We are still living together until the house gets sold and he is still treating me as if I'm his property. He says he can't stand me and is theatening me saying that he'll take me back to court if I can't behave myself. He said that I should be paying him child support since I'm working and he's not. I don't know if I should believe his threats. I'm worried. Should I be worried or is this just another one of his control tactics?

I wouldn't worry about it... unless your Court ordered to pay CS.

If you are Court ordered... a reasonable amount of time has to pass (90 days depending on the State your in, but it varies).

I would just try to get along as best you can and try to stay out of his way if he is going to act like that.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

I am puzzled as to why you are BOTH still living in the house until it is sold.

I am surprised that the judge didn't ask your H to move out once the divorce was final. I realize that you need the money from the sale before you can purchase the condo -- but, there must be other options.

Why doesn't your H just move in with his mother until the house is sold?? He has that option why doesn't he use it? You'd think he would not want to be living under the same roof with you since supposedly "he can't stand you."

Do you have any control over this?

You have allowed him to terrorize you through-out this whole divorce process.

And, it seems that now -- even after the divorce -- you are still choosing to allow him to have control over you. And, don't doubt for a minute that it IS a CHOICE that YOU are making.

It is a very unhealthy and unnatural situation to be living in the same house with your xH now that you are divorced. Even if you two got along it would be challenging -- but, since you two are in the heat of anger stage it will be impossible to live amicably.

And, it could take months and months until the house sells -- and I could then see him potentially blocking the sale -- if he doesn't think that the offer is good enough etc. He is not going to make this easy for you.

This situation is wrought with the potential for an escalating battle on many grounds.

The way you describe your xH it certainly seems that he is a classic bully. And, if that is true -- then it also means he is really a coward underneath all his bluster.

I would call his bluff. Change your tactics with him. As they say, CONFUSE YOUR ENEMY. Stop being so predictable.

He certainly knows just how to push your fear buttons -- and the only reason he does it is b/c you act and react exactly the same way each time -- with fear.

I would suggest that you stop giving him the reaction he is hoping for -- do a 180 and change the way you respond to his attacks.

He likes to play mind games with you and you fall for it every time.

This will end when and only when YOU CHOOSE TO END IT. No one can do this for you. You have to find the backbone and courage to stand up for yourself.

And, by the way...just curious but, what are you "doing" that sparked his outrage and caused him to threaten you -- saying that he'll take you back to court if you can't behave yourself?

What did he mean by "behave yourself?"

You have lots of power -- you just haven't accessed it yet. You are not his wife any longer -- his choice. So he has no right to control or insult you any longer.

People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. As Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us by how we act. Your past behavior has taught your H that you will allow him to treat you with disrespect. Don't allow that any longer. You do this by acting confident. It is not by getting into fights or power plays with him. Win this on YOUR terms. Good luck!

<small>[ February 19, 2003, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: blair ]</small>

Baby:

You seem to have allowed yourself to become his whipping girl...You can't seem to figure out how to put a stop to this. Frankly, no house would be worth the state of fear you are living in, and the state you are always in questioning your ability as a mother and as an independent woman.

You are crippled by your tendency to cower in fear and be a victim. Have you ever stood up for yourself? And if not for yourself, what about your baby?

You are acting like a doormat. You need to put a stop to the harassment, by any means necessary. It is like he is fighting you with a sledgehammer and you are defending yourself with a feather. If it escalates, as it is sure to, if you ever find your backbone, call the police, be willing to defend yourself as a woman and not give up your personal power to your ex who is a very mean bully.

Baby,

Instead of responding with fear, here is a response I have found works for me. (my H is not the jerk your xh is, but it shuts him up everytime)

Don't respond in fear, he sees that. Instead respond with a firm but questioning "REALLY?" Then, you find out if he can really do what he threatens. If you were not ordered to pay him child support, then there is not much that can be done. Yes, he could take you to court, that does not mean he will get it. What kind of man does not work anyway, not much of one in my book. I don't care if he is in school or not. He can still GET A JOB. I work full time and go to school, raise 3 children. My H went to school and worked when our first child was born. He worked on and off, but when the work was available, he took it. During the 2 years he was in school, he probably was out of work for 2 - 3 weeks total. So, what is his excuse for not working. He could move to mom's, he does not want to because he wants to keep controlling you. He cannot control you if he moves out.

Sue!

I was wondering where you were. Are u doing alright? I'm trying to deal with my ex but with us living under the same roof, it is tough. My parents said I could move in with them but they want to downsize and I feel like I'm in their way. Plus I'm very independent and want to make it on my own. I just need the equity from the sale of this house to purchase a townhome. Hopefully it will sell soon. Ex is away for the weekend in the Florida Keys so it has been very peaceful.

Hi,

I've been around. School, kids, work keeping me busy. H has been better about helping around the house lately, especially on the days I have clinicals and class. I thought things were over with him and OW, now, I'm wondering again. I'm bordering on caring and not caring if my M survives or not.

I'm glad he is gone for the weekend. At least you can have some peace.

How far away does your parents live? It might be in your best interest to stay with them while the house sells. You don't need him undermining your attempts to regain your self confidence. He sees that as a threat to his control of the situation. If moving in with your parents is not practical besause of location, try to minimize your contact with him as much as possible.

What basis does he have for thinking he can get child support from you. Don't you have a joint custody arrangement? Who is responsible for providing the material items for you son such as diapers, clothing, etc.? Surely not him, he is not working. Did the court order that, or is this supposed to be split?