I'm done. The greatest person in my (past) life has become a despicable person...a pathalogical liar and a person I cannot be married to any longer.

I filed for divorce today and she isn't putting up a fight. After all the counseling, heart to hearts, tears, promises, etc... she truly believes (within herself) that she is supposed to be with her new "soul mate." It ain't fog... it's utterly ridiculous! What a loser!

Her unmarried OM is thrilled. I can't do a thing to him without getting into legal trouble... unless anyone has any "legal" suggestions for revenge. (He pursued her hard and she bought it.)

I believed with all of my heart that our relationship/marriage was a bullet-proof sure thing. I signed up for the lifetime deal...but it only lasted 3.5 years. What a joke. I don't believe in marriage now. I will not walk down that aisle again. If this one couldn't work, none of them will.

Can anyone name 3 married couples that they wish they could trade places with? Not I. Marriage is a farce.

Thank God we didn't have kids.

Take care... I'll be fine.

----------
BS - 35 me
WS - 30
Married 3.5 years, known 7
D-Day 11/5/02
WS moved out 12/13/02
EA/daily contact SUPPOSEDLY ended 12/26/02...WW cut it off.
WS moved back in 1/26/03
We've been going to MC together and individually throughout the whole ordeal...even once before D-Day.
2/11/03 Discovered WW at OM's apartment on tip from friend...tell her it's over...I can't live like this anymore. I'm certain they've been at it all this time. [censored]!
2/19/03 D papers filed at court...served tomorrow <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I don't blame you for being done, you have swallowed a lot in the name of marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by I yam what I yam:
Can anyone name 3 married couples that they wish they could trade places with? Not I. Marriage is a farce.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know almost nothing of your tale, but I can hear the pain this has caused you, and I am truly sorry you're in this. And perhaps you'll never want to marry again, but I can name lots of happy married people, and I hope to be one again someday. Life is hard; people pair up to face it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take care... I'll be fine.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you will. What you learn from this pain will determine how the rest of your life goes; your divorce is now the salient fact of your life. The fact that you're here tells me you have what it takes to survive this and thrive.

Good luck to you,
dabigtrain

You know I have got to tell you I just loved the stick a fork in me I am done - " What a line" - and you do sound very bitter - but believe me I can relate - but you know you shouldn't say never again - because I know as wacked as it seems right now - someday you will be in love again - I know this because everyone has been telling me that for the last year - and it hasn't happened yet but someday I hope to... Just because your wife failed your marriage doesn't mean that you did - I am sure that you can offer someone a wonderful life -- So though this is the worst experience you will ever probably go through - you will get through it .... and you will be happy again - When is just the question??? Stay strong - and actually for you be thankful you have no children because I believe that in the long run will help you get over her sooner - because for people like me who have to deal with their ex due to children it is a never ending battle... Good Luck and Stay Strong - and believe one day you will be happy - Because I am sure that you deserve to be Happy.......

I know I will be happy again. No question. Right now I feel gyped (sp?). But thanks for words of support.

I'm certain I'll fall in love again too... probably multiple times over the next 30 years. However, I laugh at the idea of getting married again. I don't care how in love I am... I've been there, I've done that. Being in love today and knowing with every ounce of your body that the person you are marrying is the person you can and will spend the rest of your life with - for better or for worse - doesn't mean squat. I could never say those vows again because THEY AREN'T TRUE! Look at the divorce rate. People change - sometimes, they change unbelievably - and all you're left with is a marriage that someday, doesn't work... and if one spouse doesn't/won't/can't work on it, you're screwed.

I can get the affection, recreational companionship, conversation, and sexual fulfillment I desire outside the world of marriage...and should/when my partner (or I) become a psycho freak, or life takes one of us in a different direction, we can end it without the mess of a divorce.

I think anyone I get close to will have to agree to a series of 1 year "contracts"... renewable every year after an "annual review." ..heh, heh, heh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

By the way, out of about 100 married couples I know, I'd maybe trade places with one of those couples. Everyone else has their issues, and unfortunately, statistics say 50 of them will divorce while another 25+ or so will stick it out and be miserable. Statistics don't lie.

"Happily married" ...that's a contradiction of words!

Cheers.

Happily married is not a farce. I was happily married for a long time and believe that one day i will again. Actually im still married now but it is H that wants out. See my post- divorce is only answer. H just got involved with the wrong people. He is a kind and gentle person just dont see how friends can convince him what they did. D doesnt want to speak to him when he calls her. She knows I still love him. She knows im hurting and feel betrayed. I think she feels betrayed in this too. BTW D is 20 so and when H calls her i tell her to talk to him and tell him how she feels. But at the moment now she dont want too.

I yam what I yam,

Here's a bit for you on the revenge part of your post.

When I found out about my W's A she had already been gone for several weeks. I was completely blindsided. She had left me a note stating how unhappy she had been, it was all my fault, blah blah blah. Straight from the WS scriptbook. I found out within a day the identity of the OM and with some "help" found out where he lived <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was blind with rage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> After all I was very generous to her when she split , I gave her a LOT. I felt it was all my fault and I did this out of love for and the extreme guilt I felt. The thought of her in an A never crossed my mind. Okay, enough rambling.

Luckily by D-Day I had already found this place, thank God.

I posted about revenge and forgiveness and got some answers from some very wise people. Most told me the best revenge is for me to just live well and become better myself. Many also advised me to let my W do all the work regarding a divorce. She wants it , let her do all the leg work. Like you, my WW and I have no common children so there were no coustidy, support issues to address. We had already split our assets and were living apart. (I did consult an attorney on this one after D-Day, the house and my 401K are in my name only and I didn't want to lose either)

All this happened in Dec. 2001

What's happened since then?

I told WW in Jan. 2002 I wasn't filing for divorce. She was SHOCKED <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And angry. I told her you want this , you never warned me, you lied to and deceived me and left like a thief in the night.

In the months following she made several attempts to get me to file, mainly by trying to get me angry and embarass me. I did get angry but the things she told others about me had no affect because they were pretty outrageous and easily disproven. She did almost break me one time when I got a video of her and OM in the mail. That one was tough and I vented here but NC with her.

All the time I am posting and reading in here. Several months ago she calls me out of the blue and is very pleasant. I'm thinking WTF? We just talk about her kids and things in general, no divorce talk at all. I speak to her once or twice a week now but I never contact her. I guess OM got cold feet (he's never been married and is younger) thinking about taking on two kids. She is having a tough time making it waitressing and OM is desperate to find someone else. They're both miserable. The A died it's natural death in one year's time and I did nothing at all, just watched. And I'm still not divorced. I will do it if I feel like I'm ready to start dating but I'm not. I'm going to be fine as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please, I'm not gloating. I hate the idea of my WW being miserable but I offered up the fig leaf many times only to see her let it wilt. I'm letting her see the consequences of her own decisions as I have acknowledged my part in this mess, which upon reflection were significant.

The last time we spoke I gave her some numbers she could call Legal Aid to obtain a D for basically no cost, but reiterated to her I will do no more than sign the papers. She does know I'll file if I meet someone. Hope she doesn't try to send one of her (divorce friendly) friends my way.

To sum up my disjointed post, talk to the others here. The advice I've recieved has worked for my sense of peace and mind. Go to plan B, offer no financial support other than you are legally required to, don't interfere with the affairees and put the D on hold. That will freak out the OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He won't be so thrilled to know he's going to have to face a MAN that won't quit easily <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good Luck

think anyone I get close to will have to agree to a series of 1 year "contracts"... renewable every year after an "annual review
I wish that was true in all cases. Maybe I would'nt be where I'm at. The hurt must take it's course. I hate saying that. You one day will be happy. Know this stbxw will always in some way shape or form always have guilt. The om may someday regret what part he played. In his little pea mind he is going to have a trust issue..
Be true to yourself. Life is what you make of it.... Pls keep me updated.
Stay strong

Hey Getting Better,
That was a compelling post. I gave it some serious thought. I even asked my W last night on the phone if I decide not to serve her papers (even though I already filed), would she pursue a divorce still. She, of course, said "no."

Then the conversation became a microcosm of our whole relationship...she couldn't express what she was feeling, she had to get off the phone prematurely and she didn't call me back later.

So in our "meet and greet" with a mediator today, I had the mediator serve the papers.

Yet another "saddest day of my life."

We had a fairly emotional and charged conversation afterwards, for about 45 minutes. Very sad...she understands that because of her choices, I cannot be married to her. She's acts awfully sad, but I think she's more embarrassed by the stigma of getting divorced, especially because of the circumstances. Plus she has OM to comfort her .... for now.

She did call me tonight to see if I was okay. We had an oddly peaceful conversation. We spoke for about an hour and close to the end, I had a funny(?) thought I shared with her, partly serious: "I will drop the whole divorce thing if you arrange for me to kick OM's a$$...and you have to participate too (kick, scratch, yell)."

It was a nice fantasy, but the interesting thing was she kept asking, "Are you serious?"...like she would consider it.

Stay tuned.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Dear Yam,

I am in the same boat, so I don't know what I can offer you. I was married for 3 years, 9 months, and 11 days before my world came crashing apart. He is confused. We tried counseling one time and he was told that he needed meds for his depression and attention deficit. He on one hand acknowledges that he has a problem, but I guess doesn't care. The counselor advised him not to leave, but he moved out two days later. We are signing amended seperation papers today, since when we signed the first set we thought he was going to be coming back home. So now he is becoming a "man", that's all he keeps talknig about, that and renting a mercedes so he can go driving around in it. He has lost his mind. Everyone that finds out initially thinks that I was the one who left. It hasn't been great in a long time, but I was willing to work on things. I made a promise, I meant forever, and now he has changed his mind. How can that happen? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> It has been 10 days since he moved out, I have spoken and seen him several times..... He has said he is confused and he knows that he is making a mistake, tht I am a good wife, but he still hasn't said he wants to come home. He talks about eventually getting back together. So blase about everything. I am disgusted by him and his actions, by his resolve to become this 'man' who knows nothing about being a man.... I will never be in this situation again, I never want to get married again (in this state we have to be legally seperated for one year before you can divorce), and I am getting used to sleeping alone. Even though I have gotten scared at night since I am alone. I just can't believe this in my life. I will be getting a divorce right after I turn 25 next year. I feel like I am damaged goods, i can hear people thinking "oh she's divorced, wonder what she did wrong?" I know it is wrong to feel this way.... I hate him for making me feel this way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Knowing what I know now, being married would require living in a constant state of fear, never knowing when the other shoe would drop. I discovered that you can not trust anyone, even someone whom you have known and loved for over two decades. The only way to increase one's chances of staying married is by financing the relationship, and even that is no guarantee.