My husband and I have been seperated since early December. In September I found out about an ongoing affair he's been having and finally a few months later, that was it for me. He wasn't even trying to reconcile so I moved out. I have not seen him since then although we were corresponding a little bit by email about important matters. For the past several weeks though there has been no contact and I had him served in January, so now we are in the process of our divorce but it may not be final for another month or so.

I feel no love or any spiritual or emotional connection for this man anymore, we are done...we are not even friends. My question is...when is it appropriate to start dating again? Would I be a hypocrite if I started dating now (even before the divorce is finalized). Considering he had an A on me, I do not think I would be doing anything wrong. What are your thoughts and opinions on this? How soon should one get back into the dating scene again after (or during) a divorce?

((Zany))

This can get to be a hot topic that’s been much discussed. I’ll give you my personal opinion.

The law of the Lord tells us to follow the laws of man, therefore until you are divorced you are married. Separation is a state of being married.

I think you’ll find some great advice from people who started dating too early. There are also some who think it’s OK. Personally, I was in no rush at all. I mean I just got out of a long-term relationship, why would I seek another so soon. So I took the time to heal, again a hot topic, and to become healthy. That took me personally about a year after my divorce. I now feel that I am totally ready for a relationship and yes I’ve been out on a couple dates but definitely nothing serious.

The funny thing about waiting is that as I got healthy within myself, I no longer felt the burning desire to be with someone. Which is definitely a desire that I had during separation and for a while after the divorce. I am totally happy being alone. If the correct opportunity came along now, I wouldn’t stop it, but I’m in no way out there looking.

Ultimately it’s a decision you have to make because you are the one who has to deal with the emotional consequences. For me I’m darn glad I waited because now my eyes are wide open and I won’t have to settle.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 02:19 AM: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</small>

stupid,

Rather than cussing at individuals in the forum because you are hurt, leave it alone. If you don't have anything constructive to add to a discussion, go away.

Thanks!

<small>[ February 20, 2003, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Agree with the first poster. Work on healing yourself first. I'm not ready yet and I've been separated for 14 months now. Although my lawyer said dating was OK, after filing for D, it isn't for me. I need to focus on rebuilding my life and caring for my children.
Take this time for yourself, read all you can to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again.
Good Luck.

In my book, dating while you are married is not a good idea. For heavens sake, you are MARRIED. That sort of conflicts with dating. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The recommeded time between the divorce and the resumption of dating is, according to psychologists and counselors who are trained in such matters, one year. To allow for healing and personal growth.

in my opinion, dating while you are married is not acceptable. For heaven's sake, you are MARRIED! Do you not see a little conflict here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

According to therapists, counselors, psychologists, and others trained in such matters, the minimum time recommended between a divorce and the resumption of dating is one year. Many here have waited longer. Many have dated sooner. And many who dated sooner have felt they made a mistake.

This is an issue each of us has to decide for him/herself. While I agree with Lost Husband, Newly, and Cinderella, I find myself dating while only legally separated.

My H left in December of 2000. I tried everything I could think of to get him back despite his return to active alcoholism and drug addiction and constant verbal abuse. I filed for divorce and got a restraining order in July 2001 (legal separation date was the date he left), then set it aside to try, at his insistence, to work things out, though he continued to live with MOW.

I returned to Al-Anon around the time I filed for divorce and continue to this day to attend 3-4 meetings a week. I became friends with a man and a woman who were both going through relationship break-ups and we became close friends, dubbing ourselves the "broken hearts club."

I finally cut off all contact with my H about 10 months ago and about 6 months ago started dating the man I'd met in Al-Anon. The divorce is taking so long because my H and I own a business together that he abandoned along with me. We jointly hired a forensic accountant to determine the worth of the business so that I can, hopefully, buy him out and he hasn't completed his evaluation yet.

In the meantime, I'm living in our "dream home," running our business alone, sending him money and paying his rent. As long as he gets his money he leaves me alone.

So,yes I'm still married, but when I started dating, I'd been friends with the man I'm dating for a year and my H and I had been legally separated for 2.5 years at the time.

Even this seems soon to me, so my opinion would be that, even if the sanctity of marriage isn't an issue, a little breathing room between relationships is a good idea to figure out who you are, what you want, what went wrong, etc.

You can see my "cautionary tale" thread for one of hazards of dating before divorce is final. I wasn't planning to, or looking around for dates, but after my ex moved out, told me it was over, told me we weren't "a couple" anymore, told me I had to "mourn the end of the marriage," etc. etc. etc., and finally handed me the draft MTA and filed, well, it was over. A longtime friend turned into a girlfriend, and so far, we're quite happy.

The only regret I have about this so far is that I have given my ex ammunition to fire at me, and have given her an excuse to keep from looking at herself ("of course our marriage fell apart, dabigtrain was evil"). Others will tell you of getting involved with someone else too quickly and ending up hurting and being hurt; I don't have any story like that yet (and of course I hope I never do).

yrs. etc.
dabigtrain

a PS to the above: I don't know if you have children, but if you do, every reputable source I've examined says they should not be introduced to your "date" until the relationship is very serious. They've experienced one loss already; it can be very painful for them to make contact with your boy/girl friend, build a relationship, and then have that rug pulled out from under them if you and the BF/GF break it off.

Food for thought.

My attorney also cautioned me not to date before the custody issues were final, regardless of the date(s) meeting the children. The reason being that if I would have been seen out with other men my ex could have used that as a sign of immorality or instability making me an unfit parent.

I have only been seperated for 5 months, but te marrige was in a disastrous state for a long time...well forever, since day 1.

I recently went on my first date although I am not looking for anything serious, for me this is part of my healing.

For years and years my STBX has ground me into the ground. When I started standing up for myself and he knew he was losing control over me, the physical abuse started.

I actually had to almost force myself to go out. I was terrified. I havent been on a date for 26 years and because of my H's drug and alcohol problems, he kept me isolated from friends and family. It was so empowering for me, to take that step...Go out with someone that I didnt even know and hold a real conversation with someone who was listening to me. I have never had that in my marriage. It was really healing for me, and I dont think I have ever been this happy. I dont think this date will develop into anything but a very good friendship...but you cant have too many friends.

So, I guess, the answer is it all depends. My kids didnt meet my date, but they were all happy that I took that step. And they are happy that Im happy and they can see how much I am healing.

Also, my children are all older, so there wont be a custody problem.

I find everyone's insight very interesting. It seems that most of you would advise waiting but you also have children, and of course they come first above everything. We do not have any children and our divorce should be final very shortly. I have had prospects, however in my situation I will be moving across country in a few months so I make it quite clear to everyone that I am not looking for a relationship and won't be for a while.

I do feel however, that I'd like to have a little fun while I'm single as long as those I date are aware of my intentions. My H had an affair on me for 2 years, even before we were married. If I had known any of this I never would have married him. I also have been trying to figure out the "laws of man" and what is right to do while one is merely seperated. I am not sure that we even had a real marriage in the eyes of God? After all, he lied about his vows and completely betrayed me in every way possible...how is that a marriage? I suppose its everyone's free choice and I suppose I am not afraid of what he would think, he would be a hyposcrite for saying anything after all he did to me, but would I be just as much a hypocrite as well? Am I even qualified to answer those types of questions?

I'm not sure what Stupid meant by her comment, I can only assume its because she is feeling anger as a BS and I completely understand that. I was very angry at the world at first too. I'd just like to tell her or him that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. And I suppose we all have to figure out for ourselves what will make us happy again without making the same mistake twice. I'm sure her WS is a jerk, and by the way, I have also found that going to the gym and working out is a great release for my anger (but I go to an all women's gym so no prospects there) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />