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#744933 02/21/03 10:25 PM
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Does being friends with the ex AND being willing to hear alllll about how happy he or she is now with the OW/M or details about their life a sign of emotional maturity? How about after 2 1/2 years? Should I be expected to kick back a beer and chit chat about their latest trip to Cancun or something?

#744934 02/21/03 11:44 PM
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NO WAY!!!!! Not me!!!! Don't want to hear anything from my ex about anything!!

#744935 02/22/03 10:14 AM
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yes, it does show a sign of maturity. . . .

Expected, no. . .. i don't even want to ever remember that i loved this person, or deal with her as i had to last night. . . the X is just a selfish child who wants to be right and control her environment to make her feel powerful by being right. . .

[barf] BIG BARF! [/barf]

why you even talk with him is beyond me. . . and why he even is calling you up means that there is some reason why he needs to to build himself up in your eyes, and i might postulate that he does not like equals in a marriage, or that he viewed you in a similar role as a parent. . . . . . and he needs some sort of feel better experience by telling you how happy he is. . ..

[barf] BIG BARF! [/barf]

he sounds really still insecure to me. . .

wiftty

#744936 02/22/03 10:31 AM
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I do not want to hear all the details of his new life, unless he is miserable, but maybe even then, no. Light conversation, calling to see if the other is still breathing is acceptable, but NOT about his new love life or the such. Sign of maturity, maybe, but then again he was not mature when he ran away from home, so now it is my turn. (I am getting past the hurt, and straight into the anger; not sure if that is good or not)

#744937 02/22/03 03:27 PM
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Heya WIFTTy!

That is what was so strange about the whole thing....I DON'T talk to him anymore. I called on Christmas to say happy holidays and to check on my dog that he has "custody" of. Before that, I hadn't spoken to him since September or earlier. The only reason for contact is a loan that he is STILL repaying on a slower schedule than before, a sore spot for me. He asks how I am, he knows why I moved to this new town (a guy, who turned out to be a nutjob)...so he knows cursory details of my personal life by default and b/c we share mutual friends.
He wrote me a letter a few weeks ago, addressing my lack of interest in his new life and made mention something about how he often feels like he is "inadequate" in my eyes, and that so often when we speak, he feels "like a little boy seeking approval." It isn't my job to validate him or make him feel better or somehow say that his irresponsibility in life is oki doki. It is funny; the last time we spoke, he metnioned that he was having an email correspondence with Stephen King...before that, his novel was being published, but since they didn't respect his art, he was turning down the offer...he even lied about reading my friend's book (this guy really DID write one) just to be able to offer empty commentary on it....it makes me laugh, and I have not written back to him about the letter, nor do I intend to.

His father in law writes his checks (money orders) for him and handles his finances, he still waits tables while his 20 yo wife is a hostess. He talks big about being an "artiste," lies compulsively, and can't pay his bills. He rocks back and forth between absolute arrogance about his choices to childlike insecurity about them. Add to that the whole affair fiasco, and he wonders why he cannot garner my respect. Not many people (no one!) thought he was doing the right thing when he left, so he feels like he has to prove to the world that he is not a screw up. He should be a sitcom. I cannot believe I ever wanted that goofball.

[barf] BIG BARF! [/barf]

Read your whole exchange with your primadona....somethings never change....divorce and children scare the hell out of me....

#744938 02/23/03 12:53 AM
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Indifference does not equal maturity when it comes to my XW being married to the OM. I could be indifferent if this wasn't the case.

Indifference would mean acceptance of what she's done. As an adult, I understand that adultery only leads to pain for all parties involved and I will not endorse it. I am not going to get on her bandwagon.

She seems to seek my approval and honk her horn about things in her life. Perhaps things aren't so rosey over there or he doesn't listen to her and she seeks to try to meet one of her needs of conversation by talking to me about it. (Statistically speaking, her new marriage is doomed.)

I am always nice now when dealing with her. I figure it's the meanest thing I can do to her at this point (missing what she left) and it's good for our daughter as we are better able to juggle the schedule as needed.

As I told her, she doesn't want to share her life with me; therefore, I'm not sharing my life with her. I do not tell her much of anything that I'm doing. It's none of her business. She is NOT my friend. My friends don't cheat on their spouses and marry their lovers.

I do long for the day when her new marriage crumbles, she grows up, gets through that crap, and builds a healthy relationship with someone else and is happy. I've always wanted her to be happy, but she's on the wrong track. It would make joint activities with our daughter possible. I have no desire to be with her again.

My life post-divorce is actually going quite well. It is difficult at times, but I know I'm on the right track to building a much brighter future. One day, I will thank her for getting the hell out of my life.

#744939 02/23/03 07:17 PM
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Hey gsd!!!

Wow! Haven't seen you around here in a long time!

I don't think it's awful of you to not want to hear about how happy he his. You're not his "pal". Don't feel bad about the guilt trip he's trying to throw at you. Hasn't he always been like that to you?

Take care,
Mitzi [Smile]

#744940 02/24/03 12:28 AM
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Think you answered your own question. Why people think they will divorce and then be wonderful friends is beyond me. Yes, it can happen, but it is usually when people both realize that they'd be better off apart, not when one takes off to pursue their own agenda.

Your ex is acting like a goober.

Lori [Wink]

#744941 02/24/03 07:10 PM
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Happy Anniversary (upcoming) Mitzi!! [Smile] [Smile] Glad to hear you are doing well!...Guilt trip? Never looked at it that way. Pretty darn close, I'd say. Put the blame on me and you will be vindicated, isn't that their thinking? Good grief, what is wrong with people....

#744942 02/24/03 11:05 PM
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If you are indifferent to a person, why would you want to kick back and have a beer with them?

(Personally, I would be happy to not see my x again - except the children need to see him. The price I pay for having him handle the after school stuff is that I have to see him almost 6 days a week. At least 5 unless it's an unusual week and I have to see him 4 times. How come he hasn't figured the children can walk from the car in the drive to the front door?)

Anyway, I don't want to know about his life - happy or otherwise - unless it has a direct affect on the children. And I certainly wouldn't want to have a drink with him. He looks so fat and ugly these days that I'm embarassed to admit I was ever married to him. [Eek!]

#744943 02/24/03 11:34 PM
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gsd, great question, because it shows clearly where the WS is at and the immaturity that lead to the A in the first place.
quote:
The only reason for contact is a loan that he is STILL repaying...
Here's the set up; you're the responsible one and he's the irresponsible one.
quote:
he often feels like he is "inadequate" in my eyes, and that so often when we speak, he feels "like a little boy seeking approval."
This is HIS feeling because of how HE is/was acting. My H too puts the blame on me for his immaturity.
quote:
It isn't my job to validate him or make him feel better or somehow say that his irresponsibility in life is oki doki. .
No, and no one can do that for him but himself anyway, but when they're feeling bad, well it must be our fault. Gosh, isn't that why they left us?

And you say his wife is 20? I don't remember how old you are, but I'm assuming a bit older than that. My H is 50 and the MOW just turned 24 and he once told me how "mature" she is. Well, she worked for me and not only is she not mature for her age, but what does this say about a 50 year old man who thinks someone less than 1/2 his age is "mature"?

Sorry to rant but those comments sound so similar to my STBXH and I used to try so hard to try to explain myself to him so he wouldn't think that just because I was trying to act responsibly (and where in heck would he be right now if I hadn't jumped in and run our business single-handedly, which has supported him and OW for the past 2+ years?) I was trying to make him feel insecure!

No, I don't want to know about his life. Thankfully we've had no contact for about 10 months, but what I do hear isn't good and it really doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me question my own judgement for trying so hard to get him back.


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