The following is my story that I posted the other day - today I got a call from him telling me he filed for divorce on Tuesday, and the only way he'd work it out is if I come home. My friend ended up talking to him to try to get him to meet with me to discuss things and he refused. Come home and leave all the ultimatums by the door or nothing.
I'm so torn, I still want this to work but it seems that he's not willing to bend even a bit. To "submit" to your husband is to support and respect and stand behind - how can one submit if they don't believe what's going on is right? Uggg - thanks.....
Here it goes, I've been married (2nd for me 1st for him) for 9 months, dated for 2 1/2 years before getting married, I have a 14 year old son by my first marriage and have recently moved out. (He's 36/I'm 33)
I am a Christian and he is Catholic - we did live together for a while before getting married and Mark (my husband) had land somewhere one state away, (about 2 1/2 hours from "home") we lived in my house (nice suburb) that belonged to my family before getting married. I worked out of my home (computer programmer) for a few years and my business was starting to take off.
Well, my family didn't approve of Mark, even though he used to be a stock broker on Wall Street, he'd since given up that lifestyle for a simpler way. Building a small cabin on his property with plans of building a larger regular home on the same plot. They saw this as something bad and I stuck up for the plan, working with him for years cleaning and preparing the spot for the new home, thinking it would actually happen. I wanted to get an apartment for another year so my son could finish out middle school but Mark thought the move would be good for him and give him a chance to meet all the kids before going to high school up there. This would mean leaving his sports teams and his dad that has always been quite involved in his life. After some time, I agreed with much reservation.
Mark's had a string of start up companies that have failed and all through I'd stood behind him financially and mentally. We married and were soon asked to leave our (my families) house, with that we ended up moving up to the small cabin - my son as well. Now my son and Mark don't get along that well, Mark never having children and my son not wanting to lose his mom to this other fella. At odds with each other most of the time now. After we married, things got much tougher. Outdoorsy GI Joe guy, playstation inground pool kid, pretty normal. Both very unwilling to take steps toward each other.
The cabin not getting fixed up as quickly as we'd hoped, my son hating the situation ended up fighting me in court to live with his dad. So he moved. Turning out to be the best for him in the downward spiral that is turning out to be unfolding.
Let me explain the cabin, it's a cute small 24 x 10 cabin a mile away from the nearest neighbor, with no electricity or running water or phone. It snows most of the time so getting vehicles up and down the mountain is impossible during the winter (7 + feet so far) so we end up hiking up or taking a snowmobile when it works.
Mark had promised that the other house would be built by now but with his business not working out and me moving my business to a new area, no money was coming in. The small cabin was getting worse by the winter when his water supply ideas didn't work and the well he built the house over was starting to freeze so the pump broke. Leaving us to pull up the floor boards to send buckets down to toss into the well to brake the ice and get water. No shower, that was also suposto be there but not yet. Heating the home with wood is also an issue, during the summer when most people in that area are cutting wood for the upcoming winter - he was trying to fix trucks or visiting neighbors and flitting around town. So now we've run out of wood too, that leaves him having to cut down trees daily to keep us from freezing to death.
This sounds like one of those really bad jokes where the kid writes home from camp but I assure you, sadly it's all real.
Meanwhile, I'd been begging him to put better insulation in and he didn't want to. "Trust me" is often the answer and the insulation that was put up was going to be enough - not for this kind of winter it isn't. -20º any given night makes it difficult to keep the place warm in a tight house but in a cabin with many "vents" it makes it even harder. Then conserving wood doesn't help matters.
Nonetheless, I've gotten to a point that living in this situation isn't working for me - having no (and I mean NO) money and the home set up like this I had given him an ultimatum..... Fix it up and get a full time job and an apartment, I would get a job too and we could do our business's part time till they take off, work on the house and save some money to build the other main house. Or I have to leave.
Now, among all of this no doubt that our fighting has become not just a regular thing but constant. If we were able to get through a morning without fighting for 10 minutes, it was a good day. My hair started falling out and my health was getting bad. I'd even started smoking again after giving them up almost 3 years.
I'd been trying to visit my son as much as I could but with money tight, it made it hard. His idea was also that if I wanted to visit him, that was my dime and I'd have to figure a way out to see him - and not that often either because my roll as a wife was to be home. With only one car now that made it harder. Thankfully, my parents gave me bus tickets for Christmas so not coming down wasn't an issue and gave me a bit of freedom. He's also pretty mad because I won't say he comes first in my life - I should tell him my son comes second. With having no kids of his own he's unable to understand that your kids always come first in one light and your husband is also a #1 spot in another light. Seeming to not cut it with that answer, nevermind my actions and where everyone is now living.
So here I am, on top a mountain, unable to work here because no phoneline or electricity makes a computer a very black screen. Unable to get to the office space I'd rented because of trouble getting down the mountain in general and the one car thing. Giving up my house and furniture, my family is gone with the exception of my mom and stepdad, my business being uprooted and coming to a complete halt, my fault too because I'm so depressed I've no desire to do what it takes to make it work also because of the move and most importantly, my son moving away. Heck, I even had to give my cat away because the wild animals where we live would have eaten him.... That tidbit of information I've managed to keep from my family....
Thus, the giver.... after the fighting got to an unnatural level, I had to leave. No physical abuse but mental I'm sure. On both ends mind you - I'm very angry about the whole thing and promises that were broken. He's not willing to see that I've given up anything and that's a big problem, he once said the only thing I gave up is closet space.... Now starting to come around admitting that I put myself in a position for my son to make it easy for him to leave.
Well, now I'm not living there and quite a bit warmer however still would like to work things out - if you'd like to slap me for being so stupid your going to have to take a number.
I had needed either an apartment or to move down with family for the rest of the winter upon my leaving and said that I also needed him to get a full-time job before I'd consider going back. Well, the apartment or moving to families for a while was out of the question. He's fixed the cabin up some by putting a portable shower in and propane heater, and tossed up some more insulation too - With that, I've said that I'd be willing to move back to the cabin but he still needed to get a job. I'd get one too - no go. He will not "give up his dream" with this carpenter business. So I've lowered the bar once again and said I'd accept a part time job to show some type of commitment to the wellbeing of our life. This would put food on the table when he or I don't have jobs going on. Nope, well not a complete nope. Only if a good job comes around - however the criteria of a good job is pretty slim.
I've been wanting to go out to lunch with him, meet him and talk with him, try to take baby steps toward working this out. Even when we talk on the phone - I've suggested trying to keep it really short so we don't fight, make it a nice phonecall. That hasn't worked. I either come home and work it out there or nothing. He hasn't come down here to talk or "use a bit of honey" to hit on my "girl" side.
This evening was really bad, he and I had make plans yesterday after a 5 hour fight on the phone - to meet for lunch today, we both wanted to meet and found myself excited about maybe a breakthrough. He was coming down to see his parents and would come over or meet with me too. Well, the day passed and he never called - during a big snowstorm, I was very concerned and left many messages on our voicemail asking him to let me know what was going on, if he got stuck on the hill or was in route, the one truck works poorly and as the day went on my concern grew. All day long. He finally called me at 7pm from a rest stop telling me he'd fallen asleep and was heading back up. Come to find out that he did in fact come down to visit his mom (about 10 miles away from where I am) and never called me to let me know he was okay - and decided not to meet. I was very upset and hurt - with everything that's gone on, and I still am trying to work with him, this was a mean thing to do with both of us teetering on such uneasy ground. He'd admitted that he's not been treating me like a "girl" and when I've mentioned to him that a kind word or gesture would go miles with me because I really do want to come home. Today was my answer.
I can't help feeling that this was the "ton of bricks" that God needed to toss on me to wake me up and is it just another selfish thing my husband is trying to use to control me once again. I understand he's hurt and mad I moved out but felt no other choice was there.
Can something like this actually be saved? We had gotten along so very well before, trust and working together and commitment for a common goal and love was all there - it seems to be all gone now. I am getting out of the conflict mode and swiftly into withdrawal. He's not all to blame either, I'm a big part of this - letting things get this far and putting blinders on for a big part of it too. Many other things I've not included in this as well as I'm sure you can believe.
Submit to your husbands - when they submit to being a husband? I've wanted to be a good Christian wife - live the right way and be right with God. Reading the Bible often and finding many verses about submitting to your husband.
Any help will be welcomed Thanks - at best, whoever reads this should feel better about their situation...
Ps - he's said he would go to counseling but finding one in our area has proved to be impossible and my minister isn't licensed to do it and any names he's given have turned out to be dead ends. Money is also an issue at this point as well. This is so ugly.
If anyone knows who this is - don't ever mention seeing this because I'd want to crawl into a hole...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
