I have been married for 6 years. We have had a pretty good relationship but have not been communicating well for the past 2 years. My wife told me several times she was not happy and I didn't take heed. We had been making some positive changes and she had agreed to attend counselling but then I found out in Dec 00 she was having an affair with an old love relationship from a time before us. She made the first contact with this man and now says she isn't sure what she wants. We have separated in the same house but she won't attend counselling because she says she doesn't want to half-heartedly make an attempt to reconcile. I have read Dr Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and have read many articles on this web site dealing with this. I prepared the love busters and most important emotional needs questionaires and have filled out the personal history questionaire but my wife has shown no interest in doing the same. I prepared the same for her and left my copies for her to read. I am so distraught that she is not willing to try. I have never been abusive or nasty to her. I have not met her emotional needs up to this point but now I know how. The only problem is she won't even allow me to show her I can do this for her and us. Plan A from the book is great if I could get it off the ground. I am desperately seeking advice as I have not been able to get an appointment with a counsellor. Awaiting a reply...

It has been 6 weeks since my discovery/her admission of her EA, and after much Plan A'ing my wife seems only slightly willing to "try". She has comitted to me that she will stay, but at this point is not putting in much effort. I continue Plan A, but it is hard sometimes. I know she is feeling a lot of guilt and uncertainty and this is making it hard for her to deal with things.<P>I continue to try to fulfill the EN's that I know are up on her list (conversation and affection) and avoiding LB's at all costs. Every day is different. Doubts some days and hope others.<P>I have seen some definite changes in my wife's feelings, but a willingness to spend much effort working on the marriage is not one of them yet.<P>Good luck,<P>Bill

toontown:<P>You'll get more responses posting this under the infidelity section (General Questions gets the most traffic).<P>You've got the information on this site and in SAA, so my first recommendation for you would be to hire a top-notch coach to help you put Plan A into action. Give the MarriageBuilder's office a call (888-639-1639) and set up an appointment with either Steve or Jenn Harley for counseling. I've counseled with them both---they're terrific, and if you like the material here, they'll help you get a handle on it. Steve helped me through my wife's affair, and counseling with him was the single best decision I've ever made.<P>I would encourage you to make your primary Plan A focus to avoid lovebusters. If you haven't been abusive or nasty---it might be disrespectful judgements (trying to educate your spouse to the MB methodology is one, BTW... ). Also, meet those needs that she'll allow you to meet. If she's being non-responsive for the counseling, you're going to have to make educated guesses.<P>Give this some time. You should probably plan on a minimum of 3 months of Plan A before seeing a lot of positive effects. Plan A is often used to set up an effective separation period (Plan B).

Thanks Bill and K for the replies. I am feeling pretty crummy right now and find great relief in knowing there is someone else out there reading these. I finally got a counselling session set up for the AM tomorrow. I also have a Chaplain who is going to coach me the Harley way which should help greatly. Thanks again...

I wished i had found this site when Me and my wife were going through the motions of a divorce..there is alot of caring people that come here..its very hard to understand what is going on when things seem to be blowing up right in your face..I know how u feel it was very hard and never did get my wife to commit to resolving our issues..we went to 2 different counclers one when we were still toghether and one when we seperated and both times she felt like she was being picked on..<BR> I have 2 small children involved and it has been very hard ..God bless u and good luck..<BR> Also all my wife told me was that she was not happy and that she did not know what she wanted anymore..and never had admitted an EA but their was just overwhelming evidence that it happened..I wish she would have been truthful..Hang in there u r not alone