Yesterday I gave my ex a list of items that he owed me money for as we are splitting all costs to run the household while we are still living together. Well I told him he owed me $450. Today he gave me a check for $165 and when I got upset and asked him why he said that I owed him half of the mortgage. Well my account is overdrawn because my salary for the last couple of months has paid for all of the bills until we got divorced because my damn ex didn't work and didn't contribute any money. Now I'm broke because he used all of my money to pay all of the bills and he won't pay me back. I still work and will get paid on Friday but that is not the point. The point is that all this time, I paid for everything and now he wants me to give him money for the mortgage, etc. I can't keep asking my parents for money, although they said they had no problem giving it to me.

After he saw how upset I was he called his mother and put me on the phone with her even though I didn't want to talk to her. She told me that if I didn't calm down, she would take me back to court and have them take the baby away from me. She also told me that I was getting $80,000 from the sale of my house, even though it wasn't my house because she gave us the down payment and paid our mortgage down. I feel that it is my house because even though she paid the mortgage down, my salary paid for the mortgage.

Then my husband said he was taking the baby to the mall with him because he didn't want to leave the baby with a "hysterical mother". He said he would bring him back when I was calmer and told me to call my Doctor and get my meds changed. He told me to call him when I was calmer and he would come back. He said he would bring back the baby after dinner at his mother's. I'm scared he won't bring the baby back!

He doesn't understand that I got upset because of him. I can't believe him and his mother are doing this to me. My ex-MIL told me that she would always support me emotionally and financially and here they are only giving me $165 when they owe me more because my ex didn't work and I had to pay all of the bills.

What do I do now?

Dear baby:

First of all, my prayers to you. This is a terrible place to be.

Second, do you have legal counsel? Have you been keeping records of what H has paid, MIL has paid and you have paid? Have you kept records of the fact that you were working and H was not? If you can, please see that you have a good lawyer's input on all of this, I believe that it is very important to do this.

I will pray for you and your family,

God Bless You,
NMW

If you are separated, contact your attorney and ask for a SUPPORT HEARING to put everything down legally!!!

Hi,

if you know a friend who is divorced ask her who is a good lawyer. Do not listen to your mother in law, she is on his side not yours. Better yet ask any male friends who are divorced, if that got screwed they should give you the name of their former wifes lawyer. You can also go down to the local court house and ask one of the older woman who is the best divorce lawyer. Stand up for your self. Also if he does not bring back the child and moves in wife the mother call the police. Only a judge can take a child away from the mother. Also the law is on your side as all men know who wins in a divorce court.

Get a great lawyer and protect yourself, if not for you then for your child

B2L

When are you going to get angry? When are you going to strategically start fighting back? I mean, intelligently, not emotional outbursts?

From Kayla's personal handbook of recovery when fighting a war declared on me by a psychopath:

1. Get angry.
2. Determine that I will NEVER be treated with disrespect or cruelty again.
3. Gather evidence. Record conversations, retain correspondence - every little threat documented. Do not under any circumstances allow the perp to know you are preparing to fight back. It's the little secret that empowers and emboldens me.
4. Utilize threats against my rights as motivation to move forward. I will be a better person in spite of the creep perps that try to destroy me. Ultimately I will have the greatest revenge of all because their attempts to ruin me turn against them at every turn.
5. Talk with a pro-bono lawyer - a shelter should be able to refer someone to you, as you are being abused by your ex.
6. Prepare a case with your lawyer - conviction is the only option before you actually go to court. So the evidence has to be preserved at your lawyers. Understand that they have already declared war on you. It's time to shut them down decisively and powerfully. Only then will you be able to have peace sharing custody.

Babytoluv -- TheNewMe (on DB),

You continue to continue CHOOSING to be a victim.

Life is about CHOICES and CONSEQUENCES.

Start making better choices and you will start having better results!

Being a grown up is not for wimps. You are someone's mother now. It is time for you to start making appropriate choices and exhibiting some self control.

Cathy47's post to you on DB was to the point. You do a lot of complaining -- but you don't ever seem to respond to or acknowledge all the good advice you are offered.

YOU and you alone are ALLOWING this situation to continue. You are CHOOSING to stay in this unpleasant situation. You admit you DO have choices -- so it is time to own that you are choosing to continue the drama with your now xH. Unless you are a drama queen you would not allow this unhealthy situation to continue and effect your child too.

As Dr. Phil would say -- "what is the pay off for you?"

You clearly must want this interaction with your xH or you would do WHATEVER you have to -- to end this unhealthy dynamic from continuing.

The problem is NOT just your xH or your MIL -- YOU are just as much a part of the problem. And, YOU are the ONLY one who can fix this for yourself.

You will get the $80K when the house sells -- whether you live there until the sale or not.

Sometimes you have to learn to pick your battles. Forget about the money he "owes" you. You benefited by HIS mother giving you the down payment on the house and paying down the mortgage for you. And, you will now profit from her previous generosity when the house is sold.

You clearly had no problem accepting her past largesse -- so you should be more gracious over this relatively small amount of money that you're arguing over.

You had a very short marriage and you will be walking out with a lot more than you came into the marriage with. Be grateful for that. There are many people who don't have that type of settlement.

If you are bound and determined to stay in the house WITH your xH -- then you must start behaving in a more mature and responsible manner. You must decide and CHOOSE to make it work!

As I stated before life is about choices and their consequences. Start anticipating what consequences will result from your choices.

Let your lawyer take care of any financial disagreements. The money can be allocated at the closing.

<small>[ February 25, 2003, 07:11 PM: Message edited by: blair ]</small>

Hi Baby,

Everyone has the right to get angry. You cannot make him pay you, except by going through the courts. They can make him pay. He chose to do what he did as another means of control. He knows how to push your buttons. You need to stop reacting and count to yourself. You had the right to ask, but don't react to what you don't like hearing. If you think what he did was wrong, document it, contact your attorney.

Just remember this. "Pay me now, or pay me later"

When my H and I seperated years back, and he was not helping me financially with the kids. I was struggling and going without. People kept telling me to make him pay me. How do you do that, steal his paycheck? his checkbook? If he is not going to help, he is not going to help. I knew I would get child support eventually. He could have helped out up front and had it credited to his childsupport obligation or not pay me now, and pay arrears later. He got stuck with the arrears. "Pay me now, or pay me later" either way I got paid. If you have to borrow to get by from your parents, borrow. If the courts feel that you have a justifiable claim, he will have to pay you back, via court order.

And don't pay anything that is his anymore. Pay your 1/2 of what you agreed upon and that is it.

You need to document how your Xh and MIL are using threats of taking the baby away as a means to control you. I don't know if it will be useful, but all you are out is the time spent documenting this emotional abuse.

I would contact a woman's shelter counselor regarding this mistreatment.

You need to document how your Xh and MIL are using threats of taking the baby away as a means to control you. I don't know if it will be useful, but all you are out is the time spent documenting this emotional abuse.