I posted this in the general section of infidelity and it was suggested that I move it here, so here it is. It is very long, sorry:

Not sure if I belong here. I posted months ago. H posted here about a month ago. A little history:
H had affair with a 20 year old co worker. He is 36. She was 18 when it started. I found out by hearing her on his voicemail about a year after the A started. He swore it was only phone calls and it was only for a month or so. He swore it would stop. A few weeks later (I don't really call this a dday) I heard another voicemail between the 2 of them. He swore she just kept calling him and that he was telling her that it was over. 8 months after that, that gut feeling came back and I started watching again. I found a text message from her on his cell phone; then I found out that he had been talking to her regularly on his work cell phone and that he had an $800 bill to pay because since I found out; she was not going to pay it for him that month. Nice, huh? I found out at this time that it was physical, they had went out of town together. Which really confused me because everytime he went out of town for work, he talked to me by phone all the time. ??? So at this time I was devastated. I was on the fence about divorce. We have 2 boys that are teenagers. Life was good for them and the thought of putting them through a divorce hurt me to the core. I bucked it up AGAIN and told him that he MUST call her with me on the phone and tell her that it is over and she is never to contact him again. He did it.

The following months after this (this was Aug 02) were very difficult for me. He did ALL the right stuff. Was very attentive, sexual, forthright and honest (I thought) but I could not push away the uneasy feeling that I got at times. There was no unaccounted for time or money, work cell phone was turned off, personal cell phone was itemized and coming to me. We started going out together yadda yadda yadda...

I found her email address one day and decided that I had to confront her once and for all. I emailed her a very respectful and honest email asking for her side of the story. She immediately called H and told him, he called me and it was a huge mess which just added to my uncertainty because I felt he took her side in it. I received no response from her until a week later.

She emailed me that she had nothing to say to me. I should only blame myself for what was happening. Typical ! Then I sat him down and discussed my insecurities and told him that if I was going to move forward, I needed for him to tell me the truth about the entire affair. I wanted it to be that if there was something that was going to come up later, I could say that I already knew and dealt with it. Mind you, I meant prior to Aug. Dday. A few days later he stated that he was ready to tell me the truth. I had told him that anything that he had not told me prior to this would be ok, we would deal with it. Remember, my thinking was PRIOR to Aug 02 dday. He proceeded to tell me about the A beginning to end.

Most I knew, some was new. However, the only thing that blew me away was that here we were in Jan 03 and he continues to tell about incidents that lead right up to the previos week . THat night I asked him to leave, that i wanted a D. He went through all of the stages of trying to get me to change my mind...Crying, anger, suicide threats, you name it. I did not budge.

Now...my dilemma. He moved out 2/1/03. I wanted it to be friendly. We talked like friends for the first few weeks of him being gone. I have just told him recently that we cannot communicate this way because I was being sucked back into the drama. He continued to be remorseful, attentive and swearing daily that he is not with the woman (girl??) That looking at her would remind him of what he lost because he messed up so bad. Well, truth be told, she spent the night in his bed 2 days after he moved out...still is talking to him, still going to his house and all this while he still denies it and thinks I believe him.

I am not sure if I am even supposed to be on this board anymore because there is no desire on my part to repair our marriage. I would like it to be where we are friends so that we can continue to raise our sons together without conflict, but how can I remain friends with someone who is still playing so many games??? And still is trying to get in my bed???? If I must take my story elsewhere, I will understand, but I really need some support and any advice anyone is willing to give. I am in such a bad space right now. I love him, I miss him, I hate him I never want to see him again!!!

WW?

Welcome to MB no matter what section you are on. Each board has a personality of it's own and can vary from time to time depending who is on.

I can tell from your posts that you are in a lot of pain and not sure what to do at this point. I do understand your feeling like you may not want to rebuild. Just know that you don't have to make any decision right now and it's probably better if you don't. There is soooooooooooooooooo much emotion tied up in A's( I'm sure I don't have to tell you that) that it's really hard to make good choices. Before finding MB, I found DearPeggy.com who was the one suggesting to wait a min. of 6 months but preferably a year.

It was there that I learned how common it was for the WS to lie about thier relationships with the OP. However, I didn't think that it was the case with my WH. I was proved wrong & by that time those on MB were telling me it was a good possibility.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not sure if I am even supposed to be on this board anymore because there is no desire on my part to repair our marriage </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can relate to what you are saying but know that there are those on this board in the same position. This board has been a Godsend and a wealth of information. Please continue to post here - to vent - to inform - to ask questions - to laugh (yes we do laugh here from time to time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I must take my story elsewhere, I will understand, but I really need some support and any advice anyone is willing to give. I am in such a bad space right now. I love him, I miss him, I hate him I never want to see him again!!!

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, you are in the right place. I could say ditto to everything above. Just so you know, I have not filed for DV but have been on this board for about 9 months. I consider my M dead in it's present state. We do not live together. I pray for the restoration of my M ( we have a thread weekly - see cajunky's thread)

I would highly reco an appmnt with one of the Harley's. They are very helpful in sorting out the issues, can assess how sincere the WS is in reconciling, help give direction when you feel lost .... and probably a lot more things that I cant' think of for the moment.

God Bless,

D.

PS - I did want to add that I think it was good that he was open and honest in telling you everything. I know it was hard to hear.

D.

I just finished telling my husband just now that I have no interest in working things out with him anymore. I am a lot like you, as soon as we finished talking, I get sucked into the drama, and start thinking of alternatives and figure out how else we could work things out. Unfortunately, I feel that I am the only one always trying to find ways to work things out.

Here is my story. Married 15 years, I stopped counting last year when he told me about the last affair. He tells me of three separate affairs during the course of our marriage. I feel some responsibility in pushing him away but there is no excuse for a married man to have an affair as a way of getting the attention he feels he needed from the marriage. My H just can't seem to communicate his needs and wants, but it doesn't help that I have so much anger in me already that whenever he speaks up I always have an unpleasant response.

My bitterness stems from doing everything in running the household and when its time to talk to him, he has no comment. It is like talking to the walls with him. He tells me that he can't talk back and express whatever he wants to express without any repercussion from me. He also informed me that he did not like coming home after work. I could feel that he does look for ways and reasons to stay out as long as possible. He find excuses to leave the house and he always seems to be not there even if he is present physically.

I have tried plan A for six months. I can't seem to get a different reaction from him. I have asked him to just recognize some of his actions on some reading materials, but he can't seem to find the time to read or learn a new approach to his actions towards me. I feel that I am doing everything to try and make changes in our relationship. One thing where he seems to be progressing is his relationship with the children. Now that I told him that its over between us, he tries to give the children more attention, which is one of my major complaints with him.

He tells me that it hurts that I have decided to not work on the marriage anymore. I truly do not want this to happen but I am at my wits end. Anyone have any other ways to get his attention.

Can anyone suggest to me how I can stop feeling so much pain. I have just resorted to just acting angry at him for the past three days so that I don't have to have a civil conversation with him. I feel that if I did it this way, I could keep him away from me until I can talk to him and not feel any pain or wanting to hold on to him.

Thanks for reading my post. It just seems topsy turvy to me.

WGTT- Thank you for your input. I have to be totally honest...I have tried to make this relationship work for 16 years. We have only been married for 9 years. This is not the first A and I am sure if I stayed it would not be the last. I can see how an A can start, how the lying can continue. But I also look at when he moved out. At that point and time he had lost everything that was "supposedly" dear to him. His children, his wife, his house. And for him to jump into the arms of the OW is unforgivable to me. He has been telling me for over 2 years that he is not seeing her. Yes it is good that he was honest, but he is not being honest now. He does not know that I know that he is still seeing and talking to her. A source that I trust 100% that knows for sure is telling me and he is telling me that he is not. THis to me shows no remorse on his part.

I have waited. Aug is when I started debating DV. That is 6 months. I know 100% that I am not willing to give the M any more chances. I just need to handle things now with that mindset. And seeing that i was dependent on his so called love since I was 18 years old, I have to relearn everything. I miss him terribly but then I ask myself WHY??????????

Thank you so much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Super - I like your name. I sense that it comes from sarcasim???hmmm running everything on your own with no help from H??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sorry if I am off base, just being humorous. But yes, I know exactly how you feel. The one thing in your post that stuck out to me was the fact that you stated that the anger is there and basically prohibits you from moving on with H. Well, I have to say that the previous A's are probably the reason.

I have to say that my marriage was far from perfect and H told me many times that the lies came from his fear of being honest with me because of my reactions. Well, if he would not have been constantly lying, I would not have the angry reations to it. This past A was not the first for my H. He had one in the beginning of our relationship that resulted in two children.

I took those children in and they had a full life with their dad. I dealt with their mother and her meddling ways. He had another A about 4 years ago and that lasted about a year. So once you go through that, well yeah!, it is going to be hard to just be receptive to the H opening up. Right before I told my H to leave there was absolutely NO trust left. I questioned everything he said even if it did not pertain to the A.

You are ok. You will be ok. If you would have asked me this time last year if I would ever be where I am today, I would have laughed. You will get to where you need to be, wherever that may be. There will come a day where you will give in one way or the other. You will open your heart back to your H or your will finally see that it is time to go. Either way, you have to feel it and you have to know that it is right. And when that happens, you will know it.

Hi!
I posted to you on GQ II. I'm divorced but I usually post over there as I'm still interested in restoring my marriage with my exH. Perhaps I should come here, but I don't post here much in this area.

Welcome to MB and please post wherever you feel you need to post!
Take care ,
H_P

WW-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not the first A and I am sure if I stayed it would not be the last. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most likely not. That's an issue I have dealt with myself. Could I ever really trust him again?

It sounds like you have thought this through but know that your feelings are normal and have been expressed by so many on these boards

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And seeing that i was dependent on his so called love since I was 18 years old, I have to relearn everything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was 19 when I fell in love with my husband. It's hard to just turn off loving someone. The feeling can go on for a long time. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't loose what I don't have (meaning WH is really gone anyway)

Keep posting, you help all of us!

D,

Supermom,

Wondering why writes: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are ok. You will be ok. If you would have asked me this time last year if I would ever be where I am today, I would have laughed. You will get to where you need to be, wherever that may be. There will come a day where you will give in one way or the other. You will open your heart back to your H or your will finally see that it is time to go. Either way, you have to feel it and you have to know that it is right. And when that happens, you will know it.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, you will just know.

It can get better. The pain and agony can seem unbearable, but you will get thru it.

WW wow, I just read that you took in 2 OC's. That is something I never dealt with, but an in awe of you!

D.

Yup, Supermom that is me...As I always tell myself when I am feeling sorry for me...Supermom, the superhero with no power...But oh well, that is just how I feel.

My problem is that, I love this man, and it seems that no matter what, I can't get past that feeling. I know, people tell me that it will get better as time goes, but I just can't seem to picture it.