Does anyone know of a good site similar to MB that deals with parenting? I've been quite frustrated lately, but this doesn't really seem like the forum to look for help in that area.

There are great parenting books out there.
For discussing the D, try
Mom's House/Dad's House
How to help your children cope with Divorce the Sandcastles way
and for general parenting issues,
Children are from Heaven, by John Grey

I've been visiting the library alot, and prefer books on tape for my 45 minute drive. And I just can't seem to find the time or concentration for general reading.
Good Luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Annavon:
<strong>this doesn't really seem like the forum to look for help in that area.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you'd be suprised. There are many great parents here with children around that age who have went through all kinds of situations.

What can hurt?

You do have a point.......

I have lots of books on parenting, but sometimes it helps to have a little feedback...."this worked for me". I am blessed with friends who have great marriages and husbands who help parent their kids, so they aren't really alot of help.

My ex never parented the children when we were together. If I got too frustrated with a situation, he would step in with the "big guns", yelling and screaming and hitting. Of course, the behavior stopped, but it wasn't effective parenting and the only thing it taught the kids was "don't upset mommy or daddy will get mad".

After the kids and I left, my ex became a Disney dad....still no actual "parenting", but in 3 months he took them to 3 theme parks, bought them a go Kart, Playstation 2, and any toys they wanted. He never disciplined them, so they could do anything.

Then, when the judge suddenly took away unsupervised visitation because we discovered a past record of child molesting, he got mad and refused to see the kids at all rather than go through counseling and convince the judge he WAS safe to be with the kids.

SO, now I'm still parenting alone, and trying to explain to young children why daddy doesn't love them anymore. My 11 yr old goes from being a sweet, well behaved kid to stubborn and screaming in my face because I asked him to take the garbage out. He likes to say "my dad wouldn't make me do it", when I ask for help around the house. It has been a change since I was a SAHM until this year and did do everything myself, because I could. Now I ask them to do some basic chores, Keep their rooms clean, help with meals, etc. I never did before because their dad got so angry if everything wasn't perfect, it was easier to do it myself.

My concern is that as these kids become teens, it will be difficult enough.....and I need to learn to deal with the rebellious attitudes now. I try to stay calm and teach and explain.....but I am so frustrated when my 11 year old yells and refuses to do what I ask....even when the consequence is losing time with friends or his allowance.

Any suggestions?

I would like to hear from others on this situation also. I have a 10 year old that is a know it all already. I dread the teen years.

I too have to deal with "dad doesn't make me do this" or "I want to go to dad's". That use to bother me in the beginning but now I tell him...it ain't gonna work so don't even say it. He is playing us and he knows it.

Good luck!

My heart goes out to children of divorce, especially when one parent is being a butt-head, like your X. All these children want is to love unconditionally and receive unconditional love in return. When that cycle is interrupted they go haywire. Since you can&#8217;t turn to X for parenting help, you are going to have to see what you can do independently and that&#8217;s no easy task.

First off, maybe this was a poor choice of words &#8220;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;SO, now I'm still parenting alone, and trying to explain to young children why daddy doesn't love them anymore.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221; Granted it is right and OK to validate their feelings and discuss issue&#8217;s with them BUT if you are conveying this to them then you are putting yourself in a bad situation. First of all that&#8217;s not a question for you to answer or a statement for you to make because you are not their daddy. Of course you have to deal with the repercussions of his actions but still you do not know how he feels. Secondly, if they hear you &#8220;dogging (for lack of a better word)&#8221; their father then they are torn between their love for their absent father and appeasing your feeling towards him, basically tearing their heart strings even further apart.

Basically what I found through my divorce is that when the kids were with me that they mirrored my attitude and the funny thing is that I couldn&#8217;t see it at the time. When I was depressed and bitter, they misbehaved and in hindsight I can see the bitterness that they had during those periods. During those periods they talked back, mis-behaved, and did stupid stuff for attention. The opposite is also true. Since I became &#8220;healthy&#8221; and let go of all my bitterness, I see their actions change to match my mood.

Now, if I look at my kids behavior, I see the twinkle in their eyes when they are with me but I hear the bitterness in their voices when they are with their mom. Believe me, I am no Disneyland dad. BUT when I&#8217;m with my kids we play hard, laugh hard, love hard, and they know we also have strict boundaries. The other thing that I do is &#8220;undivided&#8221; attention, after chores (which I try to keep to a reasonable amount of time) my girls get their Daddy without interruption. They crave that attention. We cook together, clean together, play games, etc&#8230;. We don&#8217;t worry about the phone, cause people know I won&#8217;t talk to them when I&#8217;m with the girls. If there is something that desperately needs done then I&#8217;ll do it after they go to sleep.

Now one last point, though your X&#8217;s parenting style definitely has a lot to be desired, that is what the kids were used too and that was a constant in their lives that they no longer have.

My overall suggestion is that you look at your attitude and lifestyle first. Stick to the boundaries that you set. Do not spend any time bad mouthing X (not saying that you do), it may be wise to get some child counseling so that they can get this frustration out to a professional without having to confront you with it, and continue to be the best parent that you can be.

I also think it is highly beneficial to ensure that they have positive male role models in their life (And I don&#8217;t mean a boyfriend). I have surrounded my girls with the women leaders at my church. WOW!!! It does make a difference. Heck my middle child will go over to one leaders house and do macramé. During that time she has the opportunity to positively inter-act with a same sex elder and see how that woman communicates with her husband. Then she talks to me about things, it truly is cool.

I think alot of these issues are addressed in the books I mentioned. My girls took the Rainbows course, for children of divorce, and it was great - we're going back again.
The pastor said children handle the divorce differently at different ages.
I've also been told that these days, the schools have many counseling programs to help children deal with divorce.
While it may seem that the issues are not directly divorce related, the current situation has a significant impact on their behavior.
Good Luck.
Also, find a divorce support group for you, you'll find others who can answer your questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong>
First off, maybe this was a poor choice of words ;SO, now I'm still parenting alone, and trying to explain to young children why daddy doesn't love them anymore.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I better clarify this, it's a bit sarcastic. After the divorce was final and the judge said the ex had to have supervised visits and go to counseling, I explained to the kids that visits wouldn't be every other weekend and tues and thurs anymore, but dad would be setting up visits and we'd go see him. Two months later, Xmas came and went, and no call. I kept saying "Daddy will set up visits" and being positive. Then a month later I got a letter from him stating "I have no legal obligation to visit my kids and I won't until the no contact order is dropped." Well, the NCO doesn't matter, he can see the kids anytime he sets up a supervised visit. I didn't want to keep the kids hanging, so I explained to them that daddy had a lot of things to deal with and was unable to set up visits right now. THEIR response was "why doesn't he love us anymore?" I keep telling them he does love them, but has his own issues to deal with right now.

THe truth is, if he did love them, wouldn't he go to counseling and get supervised visits, even if it did hurt his pride? I truly wish he would learn to control his anger, deal with his past, and be part of our kids lives. But how on earth do I get the kids to understand all this.....all they see is that daddy didn't even bother to see them at Christmas.

Unfortunately, in our little town we don't have alot of resources like Rainbows and support groups. I attend the largest church in town and didn't realize till this happened to me that we have NO support services for divorced or single parents. I have talked to my pastor about getting something started and he's enthusiastic.

I agree with the advice on male role models and have worked to do that even before the divorce. The boys are actively involved in a church kids program that includes camping trips, etc. Also, a good friend's husband invites them over to play on his playstation, watch football, etc. He has 4 girls and appreciates intereaction with the boys too!

Next question: How do I deal with my oldest's bullying of the younger kids? It is very much the same behavior my ex used, but of course I don't tell him that! Sometimes he picks on them just to make them scream, and it really upsets me.

Dear annavon-
it really breaks my heart to hear your story. You really have your hands full.

Having never dealt with the exact situation I don't know if my suggestions can help. There are some psychological techniques that can help. One is called mirroring. Which is a technique where you mirror what the person says. So if your kid says daddy doesn't love me, you just say, you feel like daddy doesn't love you anymore. You could add, you must be really sad if you're having that feeling.
The point is to acknowledge the pain and sadness your kid is having. Don't jump in with answers and explanations because there really are none. Also it's not your job to make XH's excuses.
When you use the mirror technique it's about listening and letting your kid express themselves. You can also add that you feel sad about the situation too.

Once you've gotten to that point you could say, is there anything we can do to make us feel better? A family game of cards, a movie, a big ice cream sundae, but this is an opportunity to solicit their ideas. Use language like- what can I do to help? or Would a big hug be helpful?

As for your son's behavior, you can only reinforce the concept that "we respect each other" also make it clear that there is mom's house and dad's house. In mom's house they must follow your rules.

Positively reinforce them every time they do stuff right. Set up rewards- let's all get the kitchen cleaned up quickly so we can.... play a game, watch a show together, have a nice bath whatever.

Don't know if above could help. Good luck.

I am having a hard time too with my H, we aren't divorced yet and neither has filed, but he is living with his gf for the past 2 1/2 months. My H has no clue what is going on in the kids lives. He is being very irresponsiable father and the kids right now hate him.