For anyone interested, I have written a nearly complete background story, that I assume can be looked up in archives (I would link, but afraid I dont know how).

Well, it has been 6 months now. 6 months since I moved out of our apartment because my husband chose porn over me. He actually said "I want to be free to have sex with whoever I want.." and upon asking him why he got married if this crap wasn't out of his system yet, he said,"I wanted to try it out." I am 'so glad' I got to be his little guinea pig. ::intense sarcasm::
We have not talked even still. No letters, no calls...nothing. Every rare once in a while, my mom sees him online under one of our old screen names. It hurts me a lot that the man who used to spend 9+ hours a day online while we were married (aka while I was working or sleeping) is rarely ever on. For sanity sake, I choose to believe he has a differant screen name I don't know about now.

Anyways, the weird parts are this: I took our truck. He, however is still making the payments on it AND paying the insurance on it. Now, granted, both were on automatic withdrawl from our checking account. But I find it strange that he's not bothered to stop payment...surely he has to have noticed $350 a month going to me. The insurance includes his car...maybe he is too lazy to go get his own insurance and decided to just keep paying it so I dont cancel his half (I ran all that stuff). Maybe he feels guilty, and feels he owes me this. Maybe he figures I'll get all this (and more) out of alimony the hard way, so he is being nice so I don't ring him dry in the divorce (which..no one has filed for yet). He is, afterall, in military and getting extra money to support me.

But in my fragile-ego state of mind..I hang on to a secret hope that it's because he loves me.

He gets $15 a month taken out of his check for my dental...he hasn't canceled that either.

And yet another, almost embarassing secret "victory" of mine is that even if he has replaced me already (either the love or sex part), he is cheating on her, too. Last time my mom saw him online was valentines day. And if nothing else, I believed him when he said he just couldn't help himslef in reg. to porn sites. So I know he was probably on them or his favorite, personal ads/live stream web cam and chat sites.

I have really been having one hell of a pity party lately. I am really pretty, but it is al wasted because I am like 70lbs overweight and I have a skin disease (psoriasis) that covers at least 80% of my body rt now (it's at it's worst... it flares up when I am stressed, and at the end of my marriage back in August is when it really reached it's peak..having a hard time getting it into remission now). I am telling y'all this because I easily blame everything on it. I mean, of course my husband needed 10 hours or more of porn everyday...I was so hideous. Of course he needed to cheat on me (unconfirmed but all signs point there). And I can't begin to describe how hopeless the world looks when you know you'll never be "cured": that even IF you ever managed to loose al this weight, you'll still be a hideous monster...so why bother. I am 24, and I feel so defeated. Everyone that is not family so far has betrayed me...hell, even family did..my sister waited in the living room while her best friend had sex with my then-boyfriend. And she never told me...even laughed at me when it was all done with.

Damn, I really loved my husband with all of my heart. Deep underneath all this pain, I know I still do. I just can't get over how wrong I was about him. I married him because he was the only man I ever truly believed when he said he loved me. I was more certain of that than the fact the sky is blue. But then why did he do all those things? Why did he sit there, watch me cry and beg him to stop, and then just do it again...and again..and again. And how could the man that showed me such love and admiration turn so heartless, cold and cruel...like I was never more than a 5-day old girlfriend.

I read the post about men only wanting sex... it helped somewhat, as Brian is now 26.
I wonder if he ever thinks about me. If when he finally grows up to be a man, if he'll think back on this and wish he'd not been such an horrible, dishonorable person. If he'll ever feel sorry for what he did to me.

I left him almost everything we had. I didnt even take the stuff I brought with me into the marriage. I was so depressed...I didn't want reminders of him around. He truly made out in all this. Maybe that's why he's not stopped payment on our truck.

But why hasn't he filed? I guess since I'm out of the picture and not trying to talk to him, he already considers me a done deal. But maybe...

someone please slap some sense into me....say something...

See--pity party.

(((((((((((((E)))))))))))))

I think its okay to have a pity party every once in a while. Emotions like what we have to go through have to be truly felt, sorted through and let go of. The only way that can be done is to let them wash over you, for a time. Last night I closed myself in the bathroom and sobbed for about 15 minutes, just cried my heart out, for all I've lost and a future that looks so bleak and lonely. But then I felt a bit better, and went on to do some things, watch some TV, get some sleep.
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but if we bury all this, like it seems our WS has, won't it erupt sometime in the future? Doesn't it have to?

My H too, can seem so cruel and yet, every once in a while there seems to be a "signal" that he hasn't let go completely either. I'm gradually learning to not give those signals so much credence because they're usually followed up by some letter from his attorney, or some very cold and distant remark.

He seems, and says, he is happy and doing what he wants to do now, feels "free". I imagine he does feel this way, it must be a great release not to have the burden of a wife and child to hide an affair from, to be free to do what you want, when you want. He must feel like a caged bird set free. I think your H must feel that same sort of "rush", the freedom.

I've believed all my life that freedom comes at a cost. We're paying that cost now, with the heartache and uncertainy and self doubts. But we can and will rise above all of this, one step at time...until they face their true emotions, they never will. Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe this with my heart. We pay a price for our actions when they are wrong. It's not something that we wish for them, or seek to punish them, it's just the way life is....what's that old saying, "what goes around comes around??"

Sometimes its hard not to be bitter or angry, and its best to vent those feelings in a productive way, like a punching bag <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , or a long reflective walk, or posting on this board.
But don't show it to him. Don't throw it at him, them you're on his gameboard, not where you want to be.

You can and will rise above this. One day at a time. I felt the pain in your post and I hope today is a bit better for you. Keep your chin up! And do something for yourself today.

EpiphOny, You're entitled to a pity party. I too know how you feel. I hold on to shreds of hope while at the same time doing everything I can to maintain no contact with him because I know that that "hope" is really part of my insanity. It fades as time passes, but I still have bad days, today was one, when the grief overwhelms me.

You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I married him because he was the only man I ever truly believed when he said he loved me. I was more certain of that than the fact the sky is blue. But then why did he do all those things? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I felt the same way and the worst part about it is the loss of trust in myself and my judgement. Sometimes I want to scream at myself, "How could you have been so stupid?" But I wasn't and you weren't stupid. We trusted someone with an addiction, and as they say in AA, the way to tell when an addict is lying is when his lips are moving. I have gotten a lot of comfort both from this board and from Al-Anon. I know there are several 12-step programs for people in love with sex addicts, maybe this would help too.

I cannot express how much I appriciate the two of you replying to my post. I suppose in my effort to fully explain things when I do post here, I write too much and no one wants to take the time.

It's good to hear I'm not a complete idiot, and that other people know 'where I am at' esp since my family certainly doesn't. Thank you from putting in to words...that part about doubting yourself and your judgement... That is EXACTLY how I feel...it is a paranoid-like fear I deal with everytime new people say hello to me now. While I am really friendly, I am sure I come across weird or something because this goes on inside my head. Not helpful.

I do feel a little better today. But really, it's b/c I am an expert at supressing my feelings till they explode. Had to do it for 3 1/2 years with husband to prevent a fight about the same old things because I didn't feel like being lied to yet again. It's hard to turn it off, but I am trying. I am also taking high dosages of Prozac, and have been reading books about online infidelity, sex addicts, understanding men, and co-dependancy. They are helping a lot.

I take down excerts form here and from those books--the ones that really speak to me or put into words one of the thousands of confused feelings I have--and write them in my journal. It helps, too. I hope one day, if I ever have a child go through this torture (please, God, no), I can give them the book to help them through it.

Thank you, you two have brightened my day immensely with your responses and words of encouragement.

My H left over two years ago and it wasn't until about 10 months ago that I finally threw in the towel and said, "enough." Even after this much time, I can still relate to your feelings.

Over the past few months, I've finally been able to listen and hear people tell me about what really happened. I'm sure there's more I don't know, but I know enough. Basically, my H was never faithful to me during our 20 year relationship, though I always believed he was, and he was probably only sober a fraction of the almost 10 years I thought he was sober...

I'm also an </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">expert at supressing my feelings... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me it began in childhood and stood me in good stead during marriage to an abusive alcoholic/addict. But whereas in some ways it protected me, it also caused me to tolerate his abuse and lies for years.

As you said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's hard to turn it off, but I am trying.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I took Celexa for over a year and, like you read every book on infidelity I could get my hands on (having already read many books on addiction and codependency), have saved lots of excerpts, and write in my journal.

This is a process that takes time to heal. We're not </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">complete idiots </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">, we've been through a devastating emotional experience. I'm not yet totally healed, but I can see how far I've come and that gives me hope. Take care, L

As usual, LetsTry is right on in her thought process <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ! This IS one of the most, perhaps THE most devastating emotional experience we will have to endure in this life (please God!!). The only thing that could happen for me that would be worse is if anything happened to one of my girls.

We trust, we love, we believe and when we discover that it was all betrayed, we are shattered. The WS on the other hand, has been detaching for a long time and a piece at a time, so the pain is greatly diminished for them. I know in my case, as in LetsTry's, my WH has been lying to me for a very long time, covering those lies from time to time with dramatic displays of "love", gifts and flowers...what were once happy memories are all tainted by what he was involved with at the time. I was doubly betrayed by the OW whom I considered a friend, who also gave me gifts, went places with me socially, came to my house as a guest with her husband. Both she and my WH are sick, sick, sick. Somehow, that is a comfort to me and helps me to see that I was not a complete idiot, only very trusting. And if you can't trust the one you're married to, who can you trust?

Just keep taking care of yourself, put your priorities first for a change, stay strong and read the MB basic concepts over and anything else you can find. Its been posted here before, but it's worth repeating:

One person can't save the marriage, both people have to want to do that.

If he is a SA that compulsion has to be addressed first, because if it isn't, the MB concepts won't work.

You are a worthy person, although your self esteem has been knocked down in the dust right now. Just remember, the problem lies in the WS, they choose to pursue the infidelity and feed the SA, instead of tackling problems they perceived in the marriage with their partner. If my H had come to me to talk, sure I would have been hurt and confused, but I would have done anything to work together to make things right. In the end, they throw away what could have been made so much better and stronger, because that takes to much effort. Far easier to start again with someone else.

But WE will emerge sadly wiser, but also the ones who DO come out better and stronger.

EpiphOny,
I am SO sorry for what you've been through. I've been through similar circ's with my ex-H and it is indescribable pain. Don't EVER blame your weight, psoriasis, or anything else for his cheating. That is NOT the reason. I am underweight and have next to no chest, and my nose is disproportionate to my face. I (at 25) was so hung up on that being part of the "reason" my H must've "needed" to seek pornography and teen-age girls, that I drove myself insane. I frantically tried to save money for breast surgery and a nose job. My ex-H did me a WONDERFUL favor though after all the horrible stuff I won't go into on here; a favor most women never get. One day, he drove up to my house, with his 18-yr-old GF and said to me, "I want you to know, my problem has nothing to do with you. I know guys don't say that, but you need to know. You were the best wife in every way and your looks are perfect. It's just that I need to see lots of women, naked, all the time. I promise, you're beautiful- don't keep thinking it has anything to do with you." I don't know what possessed him to say that- I've never heard of a SA saying that. He was not getting help, and has never recovered from his addiction. But that one moment of truth helped me through the following several years, at times when I worried again about my appearance. SA's don't cheat (or look at porno) because a wife is inadequate. Unlike other affairs where an EN isn't being met, SA's have a need that could NEVER be met by a spouse. The "need" to have many, and several, "affairs." They are addicted to lust, "having many," and the "thrill of the new and different." He is most likely making your truck payments (etc) because it's easier than dealing with court and divorce. For SA's, paying money is the "easy way out" and dealing with things is always harder. He also (if given a choice) would like to keep you, AND his addiction, and as long as you don't file, he thinks in some way, he has both. I won't advise on divorce, but keep in mind that believing he loves you (he's not really capable) only causes more pain later. I don't mean that hurtfully; he loves you in the only way he knows how, but you deserve SO MUCH more than that. Writing in a journal is EXCELLENT! Pampering yourself is top-notch. Whatever works for you- bubble baths, music, candles, chocolate- it IS okay to pamper YOU... sounds like nobody else is. Sorry this is so long.
Catch22A

Thank you, catch...and never worry about being too long with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I like it

Well, I recieved divorce papers today.

I never thought it would happen..I was certain I was going to be the one who had to go do it. (ha--why am I still thinking that my "certainties" are correct? I KNOW they are not..my judgement is not to be trusted) Now that he did, I'm feeling as low as I did a few days after this all started.

I'm 24, living with my family, going to school every morning and I have a very part time job at the hospital. My family does not understand. I mean, today, I got up, went to school, and came home to sleep so I could work tonight. 3 hours after I fall asleep, my 14yr old sister comes in my room to deliver my mail (hell, they don't even get the concept that I am not lazy...I have to sleep in day to work at night)--and stupidly, instead of throwing it on the nightstand, I look at the letter from Shreveport and I open it. And haven't been able to go back to sleep, because I've been crying too hard. I went downstairs to get some support from my parents. My dad said, "I thought that's what that (the letter) might be." And asked me why I was crying b/c I knew it was coming. I know he felt bad for me, and didn;t know what to say...but that's just it. They don't understand. Immediatly my mom chimes in that if I don;t want to go to work, she'll cover for me...but that I should go, and into that whole speil. Started out a very sweet guesture and turned it into a guilt trip..like "oh sure I'll do this for you, because I sympathise with ya and all...but if you redeem this guesture, then you are irresponsible and selfish." I feel like such a dumb [censored] little kid all over again. And maybe I could 'grow' and mature into some form of non-codependant adult once I am on my own, but that's a year and a half away...and that's only if the air force will take me with my condition. Otherwise, I am so scared that I'll be stuck.

I am sorry...I know I am rambling, and I am not trying to paint my family as the problem--they certainly are not. I just have so much stirred up crud flooding around in my mind. Thank you for what you said, Catch, and I will read it a million more times in hopes of it sinking in so I'll believe it in my head..but I feel soooooo ugly, inadaquate and worthless.

My mom insists that it was his bitter divorced room mate that lead him to filing (he was starting to hang around a lot more divorced people in the last year or so. esp this one divorced guy that was always wanting to hang out with just Brian, never once asked me to come along. They are roommates now, supposedly). I am sure the truth is more along the lines of him wanting to erase me completly. But I prefer her version.

I cannot believe how easily he washed his hands of me. It is unfathomable that what we had was a lie..was so disposable. My mom said she really expected him to drive down here and apologize and try to make up. She was really fooled too.

I have a lot of technical issues to work out, and I will of course go see a lawyer b4 signing these damnable things. (insurance, vehicles, ect) I am highly considering doing what it takes to make certain that the documents show why this is happening. I doubt it'll save the next love-sticken fool, but it will make me feel a little better so the world knows I didn't just quit and dishonour my vows so easily. Maybe I can get him to pay for my health insurance for a year until I get means of my own, and alimony. I really feel the need to not let him off so easy...I left him nearly everything. I don't know. I'm really angry, hurt and upset right now, and I'm not doing anything without the lawyer. Not to worry.

e, I'm sorry to hear that he filed the paperwork - its pure hell to open that envelope.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is unfathomable that what we had was a lie..was so disposable. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems the WS's always like to throw that line at you. It seems to help make their guilt more bearable if they can convince themselves that there was never a relationship that meant anything to them. Don't believe it. Take comfort that somewhere in the dark, buried recesses of his mind, the truth is there...he just can't face it.

Take the next few days one moment at a time. Deal with small portions of each day. Your thoughts will be erratic, your emotions overwhelming, so be careful.. I wish I had a nickel for everytime I walked out of a store and stood in the parking lot, trying so hard to remember where I put my car...indeed what my car looked like!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That's how disoriented I was. Please be careful. Take care of you and your heart right now. And listen carefully to your attorney and fully "digest" everything he says to you before you sign or decide on anything.

Blessings and prayers for you tonight.

Heard a mention of celexa earier..same company makes new drug which allows for lower dosage and better reception in the brain...Called Lexapro and it has fewer side effects too. It has helped me a whole lot to just be able to logically look at the current situation. I take one half of the lowest dosage each day.

And Epiphony, I know your pain. God bless you. Also read LMBT by dobson as well as every thing here. You need to be free. You have to free your soul and give this pain to God. Cry. He's always there and we will be here alot of the time.

There's this new track off of Linkin Park's upcoming CD called "where I belong". It is my new mantra. Listen to it...Especially part about "I want to heal, I want to feel...want to find the place where I belong". He talks about in the song how he has to heal himself of the pain from within before he is free to move on. God bless you. This is so damn tough. But you will make it. Just get some clarity. That is all important. Spiritual peace and clarity right now. And contact your gp to find out if this antidepressant may allow you to have a touch of clarity. Won't anesthesize the pain or make it go away, just make you be able to see what is really going on instead of being a slave to your emotions that are at an all time low because of the sad situation presently. That is now. Tomorrow and the tomorrows to come may be and will without a doubt be much brighter. Remember that. This is the pit now. It is uphill from the lowest point always. Your time to bounce will be coming up in a short while. Have faith and do not give up.

EpiphOny,
I'm so sorry...what a devastating feeling. There's something about seeing it on paper that makes it so "final." I agree with the above- do WHATEVER you need to do to take care of yourself. Guilt trips or not, YOU need to care for YOU or things will be too unbearable. You are SO young and have SO much to look forward to- if the Air Force won't take you, there are many choices! I know it doesn't feel this way (won't for a looong time,) but eventually- when you're ready, there ARE guys who will find you beautiful, and who appreciate you.

For now, you wish (and understandably so,) to have your H, that he'd change and realize what he's giving up. But (I agree) he knows somewhere in the recesses of his mind, what he can't face upfront, because the truth is painful. He's hurt you, deceived you, and betrayed you. I SO understand your anger and pain. PLEASE try to take care of YOU the way you would've wanted him to. You need that- who else is doing it? If nobody else pampers you, then EpiphOny gets ignored and neglected while the rest of the world goes on. I know it's not fair; not fair at all.

DIVORCE and UNFAITHFULNESS are SO PAINFUL! I don't know what your beliefs are, but is it possible for you to picture God holding you tonight? I did this for months (it was almost impossible for me, when I tried, the first several times) to get me through the toughest "alone" times. I pictured Jesus sitting next to me on the couch, sitting next to me in the car, laying next to me at night- and just holding me. Like a daddy. (My Heavenly Father.) I pictured him wrapping his arms around me, and telling me that He was so angry someone had hurt his little girl this way.

Maybe that sounds weird, but it helped me once I could envision it. I also could be less angry, because there was someone ALREADY angry for me. NO- it didn't make everything perfect, and my ex-H never came back. But I started to really feel God's love for me in a new way. You are SO precious to Him. Have you ever heard "Go Fish?" The song: "You're My Little Girl" might be a good one to listen to, if you have it or can get it.

I'll be thinking about you and praying that you can relax and take care of yourself, and (at least) not worry how anyone else judges you through this time. You have enough to deal with.

Catch22A.

I have just finished ready all your posts and to me, (only trying to help) it sounds like you have major self esteem issues and you are right, I think very codependant. But you are taking steps to fix you. You can't truly love someone until you love yourself (I know icky proverb) Do nice things for yourself. The books are GOOD! There are many things you can do for your skin ailment. Go tanning! Mine are gone now. And hey I hope I can cheer ya up some.

ok, well, I am able to sit here and look happy (I am at work) and even read all these books and such..actually concentrate on other things today. But I have shifted into this 'wanting to reconcile mode.' Or, more accuratly, hoping he does, and trying to conjure up a way for him to see me once I get better before this is all said and done.

I know I love him. I also know I cannot trust him. Today, I saw some ways I have ruined this relationship (besides getting fatter and my condition worsening). I am trying to figure out if I am accepting responsibility or if I am beating myself up yet again. Who knows.

I work at the hospital, and tonight I am in the maternity ward. It is a heartwrenching kick in the gut watching all the happy moms and moms to be come out of the elevator with their nervous, glowing husbands. I am happy for them, but overly sad for me that it feels I will never have that.

My emotions are very fragile right now, and I overly sensitive to all comments, though I am trying not to be.

and if course, what if he only filed b/c he believes I don't have the money to do it...what if he doesn't really want this? It was me who brought it up. He did say he wanted both. Maybe..
I am so confused and sooo not ready for him to be out of my life for good (we have no kids), yet what do I say to him? I keep trying to make excuses to call his parents..just to hear about him..what he's said about me..ect,ect.. But I have been strong.

--Christina

<small>[ March 02, 2003, 02:45 AM: Message edited by: Epiph0ny ]</small>

What is going on? I started this. I'm the one who didn't bother to look into this whole sexual adiction thing when our councelor suspected it. I've been up all night reading a book called in the shadows of the net, and it is so terribly sad to see my husband in those words. And sadder yet, to see myself, and even though I don't think I did..I keep getting this horrible feeling of 'what if I had read this book before forcing a desicion upon him? What if I had lost the weight and got back to looking good so the desicion wouldn't be so easy?

All these books are talking about giving your spouse a new set of stimuli to respond to. I went through ignoring, trying to be included and joining in, anger, joking, crying and begging... all to get him to stop. But yet he never did...until now it would appear. I never see him online except maybe once a month. I visit a personals site he used to go to that I know the name of..I saw him make the account on our computers while I was still there. It gives a status of the last time that member logged into the site, and that's how I've been keeping my guilty little "dibbs" on him re. if he is still doing it.

I know "it's not me." He was doing this before me, and during out hot and heavy infatuation stage (where I was 50lbs thinner, and clear-skinned). I stupidly believed that with marriage and committment these silly little games would stop.

Anyway...now that I got that damn letter, I keep throwing the idea of reconciliation into my mind. It would be rediculous, because he has destroyed all trust a million-bazillion times and doesn't aknowledge that what he did was wrong. But I love him. He hurt me badly, and I angrily lashed out with drinking too much and then yelling at him. It's not like I am a martyr, but I wonder if I played one too much 6 months ago.

I don't want him gone from my life yet. I love him. But I honestly don;t want what we had. I am so sad. I know once these things are signed, it's done in 61 days. And we have no children. I will NEVER see him again. And despite his horrible secret life, he was pretty cool and sometimes romantic in the life he chose to show me. I cannot even express how much I want that guy. I can postpone this with a lawyer...hoping he'll come to his senses in the meantime...hoping for..what I don't know. I don;t think I will persue him. I didn't coldly look at HIM and say 'I just dont like marriage.I want to be free to do whomever I want.' So I don't think I should make a move at all. And would I take hime back if he came driving down here and apologized and begged me in front of my family to come back...I cannot honestly say. If I knew he'd been with other women (and I am sure he has) it would be very very hard, because it would feel like he went and played and had his fun and now he's ready to settle for me once again...until he gets bored again.

Say something, anyone...I am sorry to be so needy right now, but I really need a lot of help to sort throu all this. Thanks

{{{Epiph0ny}}}

You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I keep throwing the idea of reconciliation into my mind. It would be ridiculous, because he has destroyed all trust a million-bazillion times and doesn't acknowledge that what he did was wrong. But I love him...I don't want him gone from my life yet... But I honestly don't want what we had. I am so sad...I will NEVER see him again. And despite his horrible secret life, he was pretty cool and sometimes romantic in the life he chose to show me. I cannot even express how much I want that guy...And would I take him back if he came driving down here and apologized and begged me in front of my family to come back...I cannot honestly say. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand how you feel - wanting him but not wanting him the way it was. I only found out after the fact that sexual addiction was another of my H's addictions. Keep venting. Acceptance takes time and until we truly accept what is, we can't move on. This is a necessary phase, no matter what the outcome.

EphiOny,

I know how these thoughts go round and round in your head, never stopping, driving you absoulutely crazy at times. And be assured that nothing you could have done would have changed things....only THEY can change and they have to WANT to change.

Believe me I saw it unfold before my very eyes with my H. A man who was actively involved with his family, church and friends for many years started disolving before my eyes, and I didn't know why. Turns out the OW he is with now is as into all this kinky stuff as he is...they literally feed off of each other. He sees it, relates to it and she fulfills his fantasies. How real is that and how long can it last??? I mean life is not one long porn movie, bad music and all. Life is people like you and me who truely feel and truely love. I hope that doesn't sound to trite and ordinary.

Please don't second guess yourself. I know and understand, I did and still do. What if....I had lost weight along time ago?? Gone blonde?? Gone back to school?? Confronted him with my suspicions?? Watched more sexy movies for pointers?? You know I might have delayed things, but ultimately, the outcome would be the same. This is their problem, their addiction.

We pay much of the price, but we will pick up the pieces and go on. Until they acknowledge the problem and want to change, they will be on those same awful net sites forever. How sad for them.

Stay strong....you sound alot better!!
(((((((((((E)))))))))))))

I re-read the divorce petition...I was not officially served, this thing said that if I sign, it keeps me from being officially served. There was also a waiver of servince/acceptance of service. I am not signing it.

As I have mentioned, he has been paying my truck and insurance. While going through these papers today, I saw a page I had mised..one that he had signed. First I will say--I truly ached seeing his signiture..that he had held this page. Lame, pathetic..but it is the most contact I have had with him in a little over 6 months. My heart felt like it was twisting in knots and that huge lump appeared in my throat. Especially as I looked to the top of the page-- his name -v- my name. This is so unreal. I am "getting by" in such a daze..zombie-like going through all the emotions, trying to drown what I feel. Aside from this, though...the damn thing he signed said we have divided everything already --EVERYTHING--. So, does this mean he is required to continue paying for my truck? Since according to his signiture, we have devided assets and financial responsibilites?

It's not like I want to mooch off him forever. But I didn't exactly see this coming either. I am a full time student, and I barely make enough to pay for my gas, my 2 credit cards and my own loan I have. If I threw my truck and insurance in there, I am terrified of how that would affect my class load and thus, my graduation date. (I don;t want to live with my parents forever...I WANT to be out there making it on my own..)

I wanted to delay this. For a lot of reasons...my health and dental insurance, but that is really secondary to the honest reason...I love him, I miss him, and I am not ready to let go yet. I have not even casually dated in 6 months; I haven't felt like it. It's not him. I think if I did, it'd just be "because he is, so-there" kind of thing..and I cannot do that to someone. However, I spoke with an attorney in Louisiana today (b/c that's where the petition was filed). Apparently there is nothing I can do. He filed under and "article 103" whatever that means, and since we have been seperate for 6 months w/ no contact, there is nothing I can do, and Brain will have this damned divorce reguardless of my consent in 30-60 days. He said the next step was them formally serving me this petition and if I still don't sign--and I don;t think I will--Brian will have to pay for a local attorney to notify me that I am being divorced and that's that. Apparently that att. doesn;t even have to speak to me..a letter sent to my house does it. Not even certified.

This attny told me that since we have no kids, and the only property I am concerned about is my truck and the cars being put in whoever's names, then I should just contact his attny and say I'll sign these horrible papers if he agress to do it. (it= whatever stipulations I decide to attatch)
This means we will be getting divorced right around our anniversary. (let's just rub some salt into that gushing wound)

I am fumbling around trying to do what I can rt now--legally and emotionally--there's no time limit on these papers, supposedly, but there will be on officially served ones.
In all this confusion and desperate-ness, I really want to call his parents or something...see if I can get some insight on what he's said..I don;t know.

Well, I need to get ready for class. As always, I truly appricate all your responses. I need all the help I can get. Thank you

All the advice I can give is keep proceeding slowly and make sure you understand throughly what is going on. You need an attorney working for and with YOU.

Alot of attorneys will do a first consultation for free or a set figure that is not to bad.

It is heartbreaking beyond words to have those papers in your hands...thinking of you.