I need some advice ASAP. For some time I have suspected my wife of 23 years of having an affair. Last weekend I discovered it was true. I has apparently only been going on for a few months, and she refused to tell me anything about the person she is involved with. With a little investigative work, I now know everything. She met the man through her job. He lives over 300 miles away and is married. I have everything: his home, work, and mobile phone numbers, his home address (in Canada), he and my wife's phone records, a receipt from where they shared the hotel room, even his wife's first name. His is my age and has money. My wife does not know that I even have his name. How should I go about confronting him. Threaten to tell his wife (who I am cetain doesn't know)? Tell him it can all be buried if he agrees never to see her again? Drive to Canada and kick hs [censored]? I need help fast because I plan on making some move tomorrow. Help!

My personal opinion is that your problem is with your wife not with him. If you run him off, you best be prepared to keep running them off until the problem your wife is having is solved.

If I know that my car has a problem with the spark plugs, I'm going to change the plugs before I start replaceing the wires or distrubuator.

Just my .02 pennies worth.

Eventually I would tell the wife of the OM but not yet.

Has she agreed to end her A? If so be loving and supporting and most of all be open to understand why the A started in the first place. You should get the book Surviving An Affair from the bookstore here. It will tell you how you can deal with the A. Great book!

Like LH said, the thing you need to do is figure out what the problem is that made the A possible. That is the most important step!

You will probably get more responses if you move your post to General Questions II or the Emotional Needs forums.

Good luck, be open and honest with her. Most of all listen to HER!
STTSI

Hi,

1. tell your wife everything, she will be pissed but two bad for her, let her know what you want in the marriage. Do not get in a fight do it calmly if she blows up let her rant.

2. tell the OM wife, she deserves to know the truth. Do not do it to get back on him or your wife but why should she not know the truth, it will hurt her but she needs to know. I would want to know if it was my marriage.

Good Luck

Hi,

Wow I remember that time....

The first thing I did was prepare myself I called a counsellor and got my thoughts and emotions together...I tried to hang on wait for the proper time but it got to heavy and was eating me up inside and the counsellor said "Let the responsible party be responsible, why hurt yourself". Then the counsellor said my wife would feel extremely violated based on how I obtained the info on her and would no longer trust me and go further into hiding but would later come back around in trust..

Exposure is the greatest clear all and cold water method you could use, however as others said, how you bring it across makes all the difference in the world...

Be understanding and a open heart because she is confused and has issues with you, don't shame her away, some WS's want to break it off but don't know how, you can be that safe place....

As far as OM, wait until you allow your wife to sever the tie first that's the best way you will know she has ended it, if you do it, she may find secret ways to keep it going. When she ends it make sure you see the letter and when dropped in the mailbox or listen to the ending phone conversation with OM, that will bring closure and peace to you, let her know thats what you need...

If he has more money than you do, you are likely scr***. Many, many affairs are about money - in so many cases the WS leaves for a better financial deal.