Hey everyone. Well some of you know that my husband came back. We had a great 2 weeks together. It was like we were newlyweds again. Then yesturday he went to his first councelling session and came home to tell me he was leaving again. The councellor told him the reason he kept coming and going was because he didn't want to hurt me! He told me to go find someone else and forget him. We talked for a long time and he wants to go separate ways! I don't understand. My house is half torn apart because we started to renovate. We had plans to go camping and fishing this summer. And again he walked away. He said not to expect divorce papers like tomorrow or anything but we are going separate ways. How can he turn like this????????? I know he loves me, he proved that last week. So why is he doing this all over again. He told me to not wait for him. Go out, date have fun. I said I will wait for him, he said don't cause you'll only get hurt again. We are better being apart then together. From so many plans one night and so much love to nothing the next day. Please help me. I feel so stupid, alone, scared and empty.

Ask him to go to marriage counseling together. Not necessarily to reconcile, but so that you can understand his position, and the state of your marriage. If he really wants to help you, this would be a big step.

Sounds like exactly the same words I heard. My stbx came home a year ago near Christmas for 3 days. Same thing.

He got back wtih his mistress. Imho, there is someone else. Has to be. After all, he is suggesting YOU DATE HAVE FUN; GO OUT. He wants you to do what he's doing to ease his conscience.

Advice here? Time for plan B. He came back. He needs to see what life will be like without you. A firm plan B.

Plan B worked too. He tried to do a little after that. But his affairs were too strong and now he's shacked up with a 25 yo and her child...The third mistress or the third one I know of.

Hi. I appreciate the answers I get on here they help alot. Except when Im told he is cheating. He does nothave anyone else. He has had many times to tell me if there was and I have asked many times. I told him when he asked me to walk away if he could tell me he didn't love me or that there was someone else then fine, I would walk away. He said he can't do that. He finally broke the silence last night on the phone (he called me to say HI) he said he is scared of marriage. Because all's he has known in marriage is bad. That's why he leaves. He is scared that it's going to go wrong again. So we came to a decision that we are going to date, for a long time. Because we never dated. And he is going to keep going to councelling by himself because he is not ready for couples councelling yet. So please I need the advice, just don't tell me he is cheating, because he is not!

Do the plan B and encourage him to go to counselling himself. He needs to find out in his own heart what he really wants. You need to do plan B. His goal in his sessions should be to FIND himself and then find out what he wants to do with his life. By doing a plan B, you give him the space he needs to work things out on his own and improve yourself so you can remain (or return) to emotional sanity.
If he chooses to come back to you, he must make this choice on his own, without guilt, fear, etc. If he chooses to not come back, then you will know that he could not have given you the re-commitment you need to move forward.

It's really hard to do Plan B when he calls me, and he has the intentions of coming home. 2 weeks ago we were in a great place. Never been happier, because even though we were apart, we were still together. Doing things, rekindling feelings, until he came home. I think he told me to go my own way as a punishment to himself. I know in his heart he does not want complete seperation. Plan A was really working for us and we are going to try it again. We talk so much now it feels great. If he wanted complete separation he wouldn't have called me last night.

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs yet? If not, read it. It will help you determine what you want out of your marriage, and possibly things you may have done to harm your marriage.
You can become a better person and a better partner after reading it, if you choose.
While he his working on himself, take the time to work on yourself. You will definitely benefit.

But realistically look at your M to see if it is really what you want. In my case, the few moments of happiness were not worth the long periods of pain.
Good Luck to you.

you're not going to like what I have to say.

STOP DATING HIM! And I really hope you're not having sex with him! He is being an [censored]...expecting to have his cake and eat it too kind of deal. I know you love him, and I am sure he loves you. But he is being VERY VERY selfish right now. And you are allowing him to take advantage of you and just use you. And don't lie to yourself, that is what he is doing. My stbx was doing the same thing...he was actually shocked that I said I wasn't going to speak to him ever again except thru a lawyer when he said he wanted a divorce b/c he didn't like being married. That [censored] wanted me to "go on" but always be loving him from afar, and always on his back burner.

I honest-to-God think you need to stop talking to him. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! Yes, oh yes, it is hard. And by all means, it does not mean you don't love him. But stop being his doormat. You don;t deserve this crap. And if this is how he wants to treat you, then screw him. He left you. Plain and simple. Had he stayed, I would be a big proponent of helping him and "standing by your man." But he walked out and abandoned you. Easy part to ignore when he's feeding you scraps of affection you so long for from him every once in awhile. What helped me at first was to stay mad...every time I started to think about cuddly-thoughts involving him, I'd remember one of the many horrible things he'd done..or that he threw me away like a piece of garbage. I highly reccomend you do the same.

It does not mean that your marriage is over. I know you have heard that old "let it go, if it was meant to be.." speal. And if he really loves you, he will be a man, own up to his responsibilites and come back to you. It is not your job to help him grow up. It is not your job to cure his psychosis. You take care of you. Go get your nails done. Get a massage. Drive by a fire station and cat call the fire fighters (hehe--it's fun, they like it). There are adult men out there that are willing to love you like you deserve. But as long as you remain codependant, you'll never find one. Love yourself...do what it takes to earn your respect and admiration. In the process, maybe you'll earn your husbands, and it may encourage him to do so growing of his own.

Good luck to you.

I just can't stop seeing him. It does not mean Iam a doormat, and that he is using me. Since he has been gone we have never communicated better. We have a 16 month old daughter as well. We will alwaays be in each others lives. He wants to take one day at a time. And Iam ok with that. He said himself he is very screwed up and he can't tell me he doesn't love me just to make me go. We need to date. We have never done that. After 3 dates we moved in together. I love him with all my heart and I will not give up or go on without him. Until he says we will never be and I don't love you, then I will walk away. Maybe I am a doormat, but he is not using me. This is what I choose to do.

I did not mean to offend you. I guess I just get emotional when I see people going through what I've been through. But I do understand that everyone's experince is unique to that couple, and yes, it is your choice and yours alone.

If you are continuing to date him, I would still caution you against having sex with him. At least for a long while. My x would have loved that-- for us to live apart..him to have freedom to do whatever he wanted with no responsiblity to me whatsoever, and then to get to play with me with virtuoly no strings attatched. Again, I understand that we are differant as were details of our situations. And, again, the choice is yours. I am only trying to help you and to lend you some adivse I learned the very hard way.

I realize you are only trying to help and maybe I was a bit harsh. Im on an emotional ride. We have both decided that we can not have sex. And he can not move back home. You see, we have never dated. We never truly got to know one another. And well, if this doesn't work, then I will walk away. So many people have asked me well is he cheating, is there someone else ect. and I guess hearing it again was upsetting. Like I said before, if he was he had many times to tell me. And the signs just aren't there either. I know pretty much were he is all the time. Not because I quiz, because when he see's me he is excited to tell me where he was and with whom ect. Okay, Iam rambling, Iam sorry. But please I would still appreciate your advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I read your posts in other areas, and now it's sounding like you're more like me than I suspected. I am also on that roller coaster right now..right there beside ya, girl, and I just reached that point where I want him back really bad and I don't, all at the same time. I don't think I'll persue him, but honestly, were he to try to persue me as your somewhat is...I'd probably do as you are doing as well.

I am glad, it sounds you two are taking it slow, and that is very smart. I really believe it has the best chance this way.

You are being optomistic, and that is good as well. Keep your head up, and just make sure you pay close attention. Read, vent here, and I honestly wish you the best of luck. A really good book is dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. May be worth looking into. I desperatly wish I'd read it before all this happened.