Short story:<BR>I discovered my wife of 10 years was having an affair 9 weeks ago. To the best of my knowledge she ended it about 4 weeks ago. It was an e-mail / phone thing for about a year, then a physical relationship for 4 months. The OM is a costomer of her employer which she delt with quite regularly and I guess it just developed from a professional to a personal relationship over time. To the chase: We both want to repair our marraige and we are in therapy. She (with my blessing) thought it best to quit her job because the relationship developed there and allthought she may not have to deal with the OM any longer, there will always be reminders there. Her supervisor and co-workers all know of the affair also. So she sent in her resignation, and we decided we would make it work somehow. Both our therapist agreed with this decision. A few days later her supervisor called and told my wife that she would not accept her resignation. That she was very valuable to the company and they will work with her around this involvement with the OM. My wife asked me what I thought and I told her that she knows very well I think...I want you out of there, however, it is your decision. Well<BR>she decided to go back. Her decision floored<BR>me. I feel like she has chosen her job over our marraige. She has also admited that she attempted to end it several times but the OM <BR>would contact her reguardless and it would continue on. I want to trust her...I don't trust him. Everything they did together was planned from their workplace.<BR> My big problem now is I am having trouble getting past this anger stage. I think about the 2 of them constantly (she has givin ample details). My wife tells me my anger and depression my ruin our recovery. She ask's when I am going "to get over it". Well golly...how should I know? I think all the realization is just sinking into me. Is there a timeline I don't know about? Of course I have many other concerns and questions, this being my first post. I would appreciate opinions on the job situation.<BR>Thank you...

The Policy of Joint Agreement would dictate that your wife not do anything you cannot enthusiastically agree to. Also, she must take measures to avoid any possibility that she may come into contact with the other man. If your wife refuses to agree to these conditions, I would question her commitment to work on the marriage. It may be time to carefully consider Plan B.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

I am amazed that your wife would go back to the same place of employment after you requested that she not. She clearly has chosen her job over your marriage as a higher priority. Her comment that you should just get over it is heartless. My question to you is why you really wish to stay with her.<BR>I think Plan B is in order. How could you ever feel secure with her? Her attitude is very selfish since she is the one that had the affair. My question to you is what do you want in your marriage and in your life and is your wife able to meet those needs. I would doubt it based on her behavior. Good Luck to you.

Clearly your wife is still in the fog. I worked with the OM, however, he had left my place of employment a year ago. Had he still been here, I doubt very much if I would have wanted to stay. As a matter of fact, I would not have stayed! <P>I do agree with the POJA, and if your W wants to save her marriage, she will do whatever it takes. <P>Another thing, your Wife telling you that your anger and depression isn't helping the recovery. Say what my H said to me. TOO BAD!<P>Really Mr. Angry, I do feel for you and your wife, she is still in shock that all this has come to light. It has been 4 months for me and my H, and it sometimes is just as hard as it was the first day of discovery.<P>Take Care<BR>PJ

Thank you for the replies given so far.<BR>I do fear her returning to her job, but I also fear "pushing her away" if I demand she give up an 8 year career. She could get employment elsewhere rather quickly we believe, but her claim that she is so happy at her current position is her last words.<BR>I'm still not sure what to do but I do know that I will constantly be wondering if they are in contact during the workday. She tells me not to worry, thats it's over, that she loves me and wants to work our marraige. Do I need to give in and try to trust on this?<BR>It seems we are both "takers" at this point. Should I invoke my "giver" and live with this unsecure feeling and see what happens?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MrAngry:<BR>Should I invoke my "giver" and live with this unsecure feeling and see what happens? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, only you can answer that question. I myself could only imagine the insecurities you would be faced with on a daily basis. Perhaps you could say to her that she could continue to work there for a month, and you will revisit the situation.<P>Good Luck<BR>PJ

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> My wife asked me what I thought and I told her that she knows very well I think...I want you out of there, however, it is your<BR>decision.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Your response could/should have been "We already agreed that you would quit, and I need you to follow thru on that, regardless of your supervisor's offer." <P>In essence, you gave her your blessing to stay there, and now you are not happy about it. I strongly suggest that you tell her you've thought it over, and it is important to you that she quit. You are a couple, and it should not be "her decision"...it should be a joint decision. Don't abdicate your role and then get upset when she makes "her" decision...it is not fair to either of you.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi<P><BR>

I am Mr. Angry's wife. <P>I love you honey. I always have and will, but I like you are having a difficult time.<P>Quitting my job is only a portion of this problem. Your past affair and infidelities have hurt me also. Yes, I am still stuck on the past because we never worked through it. You asked me to "get over it". I tried, and I thought I did, but I guess I didnt. The OM only offered me surface things, emotional I suppose. The compliments, doors being opened, chairs pulled out were things I had always wanted from you. I felt like I was ignored by you. I work 40 hrs +, clean house, laundry, pack lunches and so on. My life was boring and empty. We became stagnant. What happened to me was a wake up call. Our marriage has been in trouble for a long time. I want to work this out, but sometimes things look pretty grim. <P>Although you asked, and have demanded details of the affair, I feel it was unfortuante that I gave them to you. I fear I have done further damage then good. I know how it feels. I am sorry. <P>I dont believe that any place I work would make much difference. You will always question the men I work with and the companies I come in contact with. You will always wonder. You have a suspicious nature and now it is worse then ever. My company is well aware of my affair now. They know who and which company. They have guaranteed I will never have contact with the account again. The have offered to change my email address and so on. Wouldnt you almost feel more comforable knowing the company I work for will be watching out for this since they are aware of what has happened. Im lucky I didnt lose my job, and I know I would if I remain in contact with the OM. I just want a chance to prove to you I can be trusted without adding further strain to our marraige with financial difficulties and the stress of finding and beginning a new position I may not be happy in. <P>I feel lost. I don't know how to help you anymore. Is plan B what we need?

You might get more support if you move your posting to the General Questions board.<P>