New to this and hope this is the appropriate area for this.

Low down:

Me (H) 37 W 37
Known each other since 6th grade, same class.
Married 13.5 yrs together 17.5
Daughter 12

This is not new. Almost since our child was born I have had serious doubts about our marriage. My W is an awesome person, kind, caring, well liked and respected, professional, and great mom. My attraction to her faded very shortly after we got married.

In genearal I don't feel I love her as I should. I love her in a caring way and admire her but I don't have the higher level of love with her. I look back on our life together and see I never really did. My fault here, but I married her because I thought it was the right thing to do. College grads, time to move the next level, she is all the things I mentioned and it was the next step in life. I didn't have that ga ga love for her. Our life now is actually very good. We have a great daughter, house, jobs, ect... but we are companions/roommates. We only do things together concerning our daugter. Our interests will never converege, we have tried and we don't like the samethings.

When we first started dating she made my inerests hers and now they are gone. She actually is resenting them now. I have tried to tone them down or change them, I can't drop them totally out of my life. We have tried new things together but it has not worked or more so she stopped doing them. To do something together we have not found and I don't think it would work anyways. It has been a long time in coming and I know it would take a long time to fix if it is fixable.

I am not attracted to her physically either. Again this is not new it has been that way for a long time. I know time gets everyone. I am very active and have virtually not changed physically in 17 years. That is just me and I hold know one to my standards. I feel terrible about this issue but I can't stand it. I feel like I am with my mom at times. The physical difference in us is amazing. I have people meet my W and actually say to me that they were surprised I was married to someone like that physically. We do not show our affection for each other at all. She tries but I don't because I don't feel it.

So, I have been thinking of separating. I haven't ever simply for our daughter and the hurt I will cause my W and the families.

I would love some feedback because if it wasn't for our daughter I would have seperated 10-11 years ago. I know separating will show her bad things but she is not seeing what a real relationship should be like. I don't wan't her to learn that what we have is OK.

Thanks.

If you haven't done anything stupid...such as A, then don't. It appears you have a shallow view of what you need your wife to be or are looking for an excuse to have an A.
If you haven't seen the movie "Shallow Hal" watch it. If you cannot find love for your wife for who she is (I thought I heard a lot of complioments), then you won't find it with someone else just because they might look better.

Get to counseling quick.

AFter Shallow Hal, read His Needs/Her Needs.
It sounds like you like and respect many things about your wife, and may have a great foundation. The book may help you rediscover each of your needs, and to build on that foundation. It's easier to build on a good foundation, than to keep starting new homes, which never get fully developed.
Talk to a counselor, find out what you really want, and also meet with a marriage counselor.
Good Luck.

I will watch it and thanks but what about the companion part? That is the bigger of the 2 issues. I trave a lot for my job and I don't miss her when I am gone and that can be for weeks at a time.

wow--if my stbxh wasn't so damned self-absorbed, y'all could be best friends.

From the other side here, please let me explain a few things. Marriage is very hard to keep healthy and good. If you have someone who is a great mother and whom you get along with well, and *key* respect, then why do you want to mess this up? I have a feeling that you are starting to reach that mid-life-crisis thing, and are feeling the need to "shake things up." Please understand that it is just a phase, and that giving up you wife of 13+ years is not the way to do this. For one, you vowed to be with her. That is NOT something you should take so lightly. Is your solemn oath really worth that little?

Have you talked to her? Told her you feel distant; like the two of you need to spend some time trying to reconnect? That would be a good idea.

As for the weight, I do appricate your honesty. Yes, it is shallow and horrible, but it is the way you feel and you say it makes you un-attracted to her. Ok. Well, you could start doing the grocery shopping. Checks a mark off her to-do list, and you can make sure junk doesn't end up in the cart--only healthy stuff. Why don't you go get a low-fat/low-carb cookbook and start making the meals? Or if you absolutly can't, ask her to cook from there because you are concerned about the health of your family.
Try to think up family activites that involve exersize...a walk at the zoo...things of that sort.

Now for hobbies...why does she have to be the one to conform to your hobbies? Sorry, dear, but that really seems selfish. What about new hobbies? In looking for those, you can maybe come up with a way to help with the weight.

Start courting her again. I read a book once that mentioned that if you start going through the motions whole-hartedly (meaning not thinking the whole time about leaving or another woman), then your feelings will catch up. Worth a shot.

My STBXH said almost all the same things you did. Never really loved me, though his lame excuse for why he married me then was b/c he wanted to try it out. I was STILL willing to stay and fight it out despite all the problems. It was him who threw it away. I suppose he's back to 2-week long max relationships again. And women trying to get knocked up by him to make him marry them (he is military, and i hear it happens a lot).

I agree with everyone else, that you sound like you are making excuses to have an affair or to have that bachelor lifestyle. Maybe you don;t remember what it's like.
From someone back on that crap-scene let me tell you...you will long for your trustworthy loving wife when you start to remember how "psycho" women can be... how hard it is to find someone to connect with beyond sex, and how often that sex is really lousey or various other nasty surprises surrounding that issue.

I am glad you are sounding off here. I just hope you listen to us. Take care

Beware, beware, beware- you're getting very close to "I love her, but I'm not in love with her," which is Affairs for Dummies. (Am I right folks? Raise your hands- how many of you heard that or some version of it?) You are very vulnerable for an affair right now- someone may make you feel "ga-ga," and you'll be planning your escape.

The problem is, "ga-ga" doesn't last, and even if it did, it's no recipe for a life together.

I agree with the other posters: you have a great foundation for a happy life, but it needs work. That will almost surely include counseling with your wife; it sounds to me like you may benefit from counseling on your own as well, to try to figure out why you seem to regret freely made choices that have given you a "very good" life.

I don't want to sound like I'm denigrating your feelings- you feel what you feel right now, and I'm not in your shoes. But feelings can change, and I'm hearing you say a lot of what my ex-wife said two years ago- and divorcing me has not solved her issues. Look inside.

Good luck,
dabigtrain

Wow is right. I came here for the last part of your response E not the first. I won't go any further than that.

I am not a 6" 5' ex football player turned bodybuilder. I am not hung up on "look at me I should have Gabriel Reese on my arm". It is about that lifestyle though. She lived it from 6th grade until we got married(25yrs old). That is the deal. It wasn't so much she was doing "my things" as we did do the samethings long before we started dating. Then 4-5 years after we start dating she totally changed. I understand that we slow down, priorities change and time gets extremely tight. But it almost intantly disappeared on her part. I have discussed it with her and she claims " I have no time for that in my life now". I conduct my life to live to see 100 + years old healthy and she is not going to see 2/3rds of that with me at her rate. So, it has been addressed from a health standpoint. The point is we grew apart big time, I am trying to get it back together. I have decided here today that I have no choice but to try. I will conform, so to say, and make some big changes on my part and see if I can live with it. I feel the answer will come in the response I get. It will be a good response because I know my W and can do all she wants me to do. But will I like it back is my question.

Again, the big issue is our companionship, all aspects of it socially and intimatley. It is the not good and it has to be. I need her to be my best friend and she isn't and never was.

Tubbs,
I don't think I agree your view is "shallow." I used to feel that way, and women- PLEASE- do NOT yell at me. I AM a woman who has been through a horrible marriage/divorce, but there are a few things I've learned in the past several years. First, affairs almost never occur because of a problem with the wife's weight or looks. A wife should never blame herself!

That being said, if a husband has a hard time being attracted to his wife because of weight, I don't fault him OR her. Would you consider this? #1- Reading "His Needs, Her Needs" is probably the best favor you could do for yourself and your wife, Tubbs. I do NOT know how far you take the "weight" issue, meaning I don't know if your wife is 10 lbs. overweight or 100. Assuming you're not exaggerating b/c you want perfection, I don't think your need is any more "shallow" than a woman who needs financial support or COMPLETELY honesty and openness- in every way.

Whether we like it or not, having an attractive spouse (NOT a "beauty queen," but doing the best with what SHE HAS,) is an EN of men. We can argue it, ridicule them about it, or accept it. I choose to accept it and then say, "ARE YOU MEETING HER EN's?" That's of UTMOST importance if you want her to meet yours. A recreational companion (playmate) is another EN for men, in general. To me, Tubbs hasn't described anything out of the "norm" if most men were to be honest. I don't think she should have to join all YOUR activities, but with "His Needs, Her Needs," I'm sure the two of you could work that out.

Again, my opinion is READ THAT BOOK first- and DO the parts that are yours, to meet HER EN's first. Also, ask her to read the book. I really believe that you are just expressing a few of your top five EN's. I don't advocate an affair, under any circumstance. So, if your wife doesn't change, I wouldn't condone that. But I think things could change in your marriage, if you've been honest about what the problems are. To me, your marriage looks a lot more hopeful than many out there who have SA's, or who are not in tune with what is "missing" in their relationship. Will you read the book?
Catch22A

I bought the book in 1997, read it and asked her to read it. I don't think she ever did, actually I am confident she has not. I even sugested that we highlight it in different colors so we can each see what the other really liked or agreed with.

It is hard to convey everthing to this board. I am not perfect and I know that. Everyone is stuck on the weight issue. She is not excessive, but I am embarassed at the beach, friends hot tubs ect... This is Shallow Hal here. The real issue is our friendship.