I went to the lawyer today and it was upsetting. So final.. she talked about being divorced by june 15 and I am not ready to be there.I cried in her office when she started saying stuff about how hard it is and to be kind to yourself and how maybe you should try counseling.

Why cant I be indifferent to him as he seems to be to me? How did he manage that emotional seperation... before we seperated even? Was it because he had another person there to be focused on? Why do I still have love for someone who treated me so poorly and so obviously has no love for me any more? How to get beyond it?

It is helpful not to see him or talk to him, it always leaves me feeling unsettled and upset.

I'm sitting here drinking alone tonight...

Lora...you're not alone.

If only we had the answers to your questions. The same ones I've had. There are no answers.

I often sit with a glass (or 2) of wine while on this board...but let's not let it get us too comfortable in our pain. Our spouses have done way to much harm already.

Take care.

Hi Broken,

I know, I wish someone could give us those asnwers. It does help to know I am not alone, and that many have survived this. But on a friday night, sitting here alone with my computer for company, its hard and like it will be a long time before I feel better.

Lora, I just wanted you to know that I'm in the same boat. I am hurting and also trying to detach from the man I have loved for over 19 years. It hurt to hear that he has no doubts about our divorce and can't wait to start a new life with the OW. My family and friends are telling me to give up on him But when I read affairs books and see successful recoveries I hold on for some hope, which may be emotionally unhealthy to do. ..Rhonda

Lora,

You are not alone. I too am trying to detach from a man I've known for 27 years. And yes, I still love him in spite of all the horrible things he has done. Why is that??? I for one don't know!!! I wish I did!

My WH keeps talking about comming home yet is basically living with OW. It's that cake eating syndrom. He thinks he can come back home yet he will travel for work back to the area he lives in now, stay with the OW & do who knows what, then come back home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> What is wrong with this picture.

Lora, just think, at least you can come to these boards and feel totally alone on a friday nite!

D.

Morning all - just wanted to check in on Lora, hope you are doing better today, and saw the other posts....looks like we sure are all in the same "boat"! I just want to find the life preserver....well I think I do, in prayer, but I'd love something to actually HOLD on to also!

Off to work I go - hope today is better for all of us!

Thanks Rhonda and Willgetthruthis,
I love being able to come here and have people know exactly what I am feeling. I had a thought during the night as I lay awake half of it to think up some affermations and say them often to myself.... How about instead of thinking how I love my H, to say, I love living alone and doing what I want to do. Worth a try anyway, I have done them before and they did make me feel better. And it cant hurt to stop thinking I love him, how can he not feel anything for me.

Broken, You are so sweet to check on me this AM, inspite of not sleeping well, I feel better. Hope you had a good day.

Hi Lora - Thought I would "bump" this and see how you were doing this chilly Sunday evening.

I came home after a brief stop at the grocery store, ate some Chinese take out and am cruising the boards...

I myself am not doing real well these last two weeks, after doing pretty well before - guess it's part of the roller coaster. I am having problems over his double life of the past five years, why oh why didn't I see it, how could he pursue another married woman, why can't he see what he's done to his girls, what's wrong with me.....yada, yada, all the stupid things that prevent you from getting where you and I need to be - indifference.

I so badly want to get there. I wish I could unscrew my head, dump all the sadness out and get on with life. I wouldn't want someone who would cheat on me. Yet I do....

So anyway, it's another very quiet Sunday evening and although I have a million things to do, I sit here, reading, thinking, taking in. I think maybe someday it will all "click"! What do you think??

Lora, my friend, I know how you feel, too. And I'm even dating a very nice man, which makes me feel so ungrateful! I want to remind you that you were actually feeling pretty good when your H was gone before. I know there was still some hope then, but you handled it well, I thought.

As you know, I go to a lot of Al-Anon meetings and lately it seems that we're always talking about "detachment" and "forgiveness." I've been taking the position that I need to grieve first before I can let go - good excuse for hanging on a little longer don't you think?

Someone in my Al-Anon group described forgiveness as accepting that you'll never have a better past. But today I heard a sanskrit proverb that said (I'm paraphrasing heavily here) that the way to have a better past is to live fully in the present every day so that the past we are creating will be better.

Like broken, I am still coming to terms with the double life my H was apparently living for most of our relationship - other women and not being sober when I thought he was. And also like broken said, it's a rollercoaster. Just when I think I'm getting better, comes one of those big dips and I'm plunging down, again.

I think the affirmations are a really good idea as is doing everything you can to take care of yourself, especially not being too hard on yourself for how you feel. We never get over our relationships with our parents/caretakers and I lived with my H longer than I did with my parents! Doesn't that give us a right to feel bad?

Hi all,
I was just shaking my head in disgust about not moving along as fast as I think I should be emotionally. I know the right stuff cognitively, but have to work real hard on doing the "right thing", and not let the emotions get in the why.

I would have jump in earlier, but this was the first weekend that the kids & I have just gone away since xmas - 2001. d-day ? lost track. We had fun & enjoyed each others company.

Lor, broken x & all :Thanks (??) for sharing your two glasses of wine, I feel I missed out.

I seldom read my horriscope, but I looked on Saturday and it said "In the next 2 years you can expect to say goodbye to and let go of many things. Now is a time of transition to prepare you for soemething new in 2005."

Whooohoo... It will be better in 2005. I can hardly wait. Now can I just crawl into bed until then?

Broken, I dont know if it will click, it seems more of up and down, then less up and down, and maybe one day it will just be level. I hope so anyway.

Letstry, You know what upset me the most? Besides the Lawyer... he petted the cat and then hugged me when he left. Why did he do that? He hasnt touched me in over a year... when I went for surgey I begged for a hug and got a wimpy hug and some excuse about my hairspray.

I have to keep telling myself, I dont want him as he was, but that little voice keeps saying.... but what if he agreed to counseling....what if it was like it was before all this, what if he loved me. Stop it...

I am happy living alone and doing what I want to do.

And a new one... Going to the gym makes me feel strong and happy.

Ah yes, the gym!! Good for you!!

It's a great way to work on "us"...between all the garbage he was handing me last year and working out at the gym in an attempt to look better to him, I lost 70 pounds and dropped 6 sizes...I also went blonde. Hey for an "old broad" I don't look so bad, even he noticed...alot...but it still didn't change his mind!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> His loss.

But I feel great and if I ever have $$ again, I'll have alot more fun shopping!!

Care to join me with a glass of wine?? You too Vega and Lets and anybody else!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lora, I still do that too. The "what if's"... Someone today told me the story of her sister's divorce. Her H was in the movie industry, but a drug addict/alcoholic like my H. Her D took 3.5 years (and I thought I was bad at going on 2.5). Ten years later her XH knocked on her door and he hadn't changed at all. She told her sister, my friend, "He's so short," and my friend told her sister, "He always was." Funny how we choose to romanticize our memories of them. My friend says that after this, her sister finally got closure. Let's all make a pact that we'll be over this quicker than that! Okay?

BTW, I've had two glasses of wine, three big red strawberries, and CHOCOLATE!

<small>[ March 02, 2003, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: LetSTry ]</small>

Ok, we are all going to Letstrys house cause shes got the good stuff. You know, Jo told me he looks old and crabby... I guess I still have those rose colored glasses on.

Vega, Have a couple of glasses and catch up. Dont worry tho, we havent been healing without you. You have plenty of time to catch up there as we seem to be moving at a snails pace.

hey broken, where do you live?

Lets Try,

Sorry no wine in the house tonight, maybe just a beer. However, I already had the sweetest time with my kids together this last weekend.

Funny, at the motel, there was a winery trade show going on. We were in the hot tub visiting & was asked to sample a new wine. I like dry white or red wines & was saying the kinds I liked. It turned out the grape growers & wine people were from the kind I liked. It is a small company called Lover's leap. After I sampled & said I liked their new kind called Harvest White, they said it had won two gold medals. I guess that was good.

The only thing I know about growing grapes was from "The Secrets of the Vine & different passages in the bible. My kids were amazed I knew anything about pruning grape vines. It was a hoot.

Lets try - I can imagine you enjoying the strawberries & chocolate. Enjoy!

Hmmm...chocolate...time to raid my daughter's leftover Valentine's candy (she doesn't like chocolate??!!??) from her father. It would just really tick him off to think I'm enjoying candy that HE bought...think I'll have two pieces!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You know, I just love the "spunky" attitudes we have on here - does a girl's heart good.

Lora, I live in central Pennsylvania, about an hour north of Harrisburg, very rural, lots of Amish. Good local wine too!!

Hi Lora,
The detatchment will come in its own time.
But I understanding wanting it to come in YOUR good time. Saturday morning at an ecumenical women's service the rabbi told us to go into our quiet places in our hearts and pray for our own private needs.

Imagine, I prayed for detatchment from my husband, who still carries on contact on the sly with his EA, the OW.

I prayed to feel nothing for him so there wouldn't be pain from his rejection and coldness.
I know it will come, in time. I just asked God to put it early.

The triggers are everywhere. The place where our son's graduation luncheon is to be is a block away from the OW's office. It's also close to the Kumon center where H takes our S every Saturday. Which means if OW is working, they can meet for cocoa-mocha at Starbucks nearby.

Do they? I don't know. But the triggers poke at me and I want detatchment.

(((((((((((((((((Lora)))))))))))))))))

I understand.

Hey broken,
Have another peice of chocolate tonight!

Belle, I hadnt seen you on for awhile so I was hopefull that your last utimatum had made things better for you. I am so sorry it hasnt. What are you going to do?

Guess it's going to take more than chocolate tonite...

Heard from a mutual acquaintance that my stbxh was bragging a few weeks ago about his "exploits" with the OW over the past few YEARS and how stupid I was not to catch on to the whole situation. Guess he was pretty graphic about the whens, wheres and "hows".

So, I'm feeling pretty much like dirt tonight. I know I wasn't stupid, only trusting as a loving wife, really. But it was stupid I guess. I feel like this naive little "saint" that is out of touch with the "real world". I KNOW I'm not a stupid person, but why do I feel that way?

Nowhere near indifference yet. But anger, yeah. Got a lot of that to deal with. Is this what is termed as "emotional abuse"?

So, I think I'll be sticking with the wine tonite.

{{{{{Broken,}}}}}}

He was bragging about being a lieing cheat who mistreats his wife for years? Is that a good thing? What a catch he is.