Hey out there, I need some advice. My husband and I have been separated since Nov. 22, 2002. I caught him online with a woman from Canada. When I questioned him about her, he first tried to deny it. Then he got angry and began to throw things in the house. We have been married for 20 years. He has gone back to school, and I am the only one working. For most of our marriage he has stayed home with our daughter, who is now 18 years old. She is also in college. I have been working overtime to put them both through school. When I found out about the woman, I asked him to leave for the weekend-we were both too angry to stay in the same house. I thought he would be back by that Sunday. I figured he would think about what he had done and regret it. Well, I found out that Saturday that he was in Ontario, Canada. That's where she lived. I called him at the hotel and told him not to come home. His mother also called him, and he decided to come back and stay at her house. He is now with his brother. I found out that he called her 50 times on our cell phone when he got back. My bill was $1300. Yes, I had to pay it, it was in my name. He denies that anything was ever there. he says he didn't see her. I believe he didn't, but not because he didn't want to, but because she wouldn't see him for whatever reason. I don't think he has been unfaithful physically, but emotionally. We still talk, and I still give him money every two weeks. He has no intentions of coming home. He wears chokers, when he didn't before. He's 41 years old. Our daughter is very hurt by his actions. If she doesn't call him, she would never hear from him. Everything else seems to be more important to hin than his family. I have asked him to come home numerous times. He tells me he loves me, but as soon as this semester is over, he's leaving the state. I haven't filed for Divorce yet, but I have the paperwork to do it. I don't know what to do. I don't have a desire to ever marry again, so I wonder if a Divorce is even worth going through. I really think he only acts nice to me so I will continue to give him money. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I wish someone could tell me what to do. I feel so confused. I found in his vehicle where he had bought a phone card. His family is local, and so are we, so he wouldn't need it for us. Now I wonder if he is calling that woman again. I appreciate any thoughts anyone may have on what I should do. Thanks!

Hi Donna,

You just recently discovered this. Everything is new. The hurt is raw.

Oh, by the way, Welcome, and I am sorry you had to come here.

I suggest, that right now, you do not make any rash decisions. Take the time to process what you are feeling, what do you want for you and your daughter.

Have you read the Basic concepts link? There are some really good books, and veterans out here with some great advice. In some form or another, someone here has been in your shoes and knows your pain. You are among friends

Welcome, and sorry for the pain you're in.

I agree with Sue. The hurt is raw, don't make any rash decisions.

I must tell you, my A was a lot like your husband's is. IT all began on the internet, and OM lived far away. Eventually he left his family, and moved near me. (not in with me)
Long story short is that before he moved locally, I became separated. My now ExH filed for D, and now I'm divorced.

Here's the glimmer for you, if you're interested in saving your marriage. I ended it with OM, and want to be with my exH.

An internet affair is so fantasy based, and completely ridiculous. (all affairs are fantasy based, but I think internet ones are the king of fantasy) I was so confused during the whole A, as I'm sure your H is now. I was his age, too, when I separated.

Read all you can here, and follow the principles. I think in time most affairs blow over, and your husband will get over this.

I remember during the A, OM's wife always told him it would end. (I never met her, or spoke with her, but this is what OM told me she'd said.) She was right, of course.

I have had NC with OM since summer, I don't know if he reconciled or not. HE did move back to his own area. (He'd been gone from his house a year.)

And yes, you are among friends here! This is a great place--MB.

I hope this helps,
H_P

Stop giving him money. He is not earning it, he is not supporting a child, nor being primary caretaker for child.

I agree. The first thing you should stop doing is giving him any more money! That is a "sure reason" to stick around, and keep covering up his actions.... he will continue to get support from you. Stop giving him money and see what he does on his own. And I'd quit giving him money until he makes a FULL turn-around in his actions; not just long enough to beg you to give him more $$.

I really appreciate all of your thoughts on my problem. I know it takes time out of your own lives, but thanks! I will take your advice on not doing anything rash. I do feel better now than I did 3 months ago. I know there will still be some bad days, but with God's help I know we can all make it. I appreciate all of you and hope your lives turn out like you want them to. Thanks, Donna

I really appreciate all of your thoughts on my problem. I know it takes time out of your own lives, but thanks! I will take your advice on not doing anything rash. I do feel better now than I did 3 months ago. I know there will still be some bad days, but with God's help I know we can all make it. I appreciate all of you and hope your lives turn out like you want them to. Thanks, Donna