Heart lurched when he told me.

Jacky

Why does this stuff ALWAYS happen to me on the frigging weekends, when there isn't anyone here????

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Arrrrgh. Makes me sooo mad. Just last winter he was waffling. Looks like ms. clickety clack thinks she's got him. But wrongo. He will regret it..Their fantasy is almost over ok:?

peachy, my heart is breaking here and I do NOT understand WHY!!!!!!!!!!!

She can have the MF he turned out to be. But the thought of HER being STEP to my kids just makes me want to VOMIT!

She, who ruoined any chance of reconciliation between me and my X, she who was sooooooo determined to be with X over Xmas that it severely restricted the kids' time with their Dad, SHE, who has been divorced THREE, yes THREE times, thinks she is just PERFECT for my X.....and HE thinks she is a better catch than what he already had...........I WISH I COULD SWEAR ON THIS BOARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jacky

Hi Jacky,

He didn't waste much time, did he? I'm sorry. He's a fool. A DAMN fool! Hey, I cussed for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Seriously, I've followed your posts and I know you're going to be fine. You really will.

You've helped many here, myself included. Please stick around.

Funny thing, weekends were and still are the times bombs were dropped on me too.

Mike

Jackie,

The feelings are terrible, horrible, and the ultimate put down of your dreams and aspirations, and because we had the more normal expectations of marriage and parenthood, and comprehend what these concepts mean, we took our long term relationships seriously. . .

Taking the high road and not being selfish, but being responsible, is very worthy, however, at the same time, lets not exxagerate or jump to conclusions about what might happen just because.

They may seldom come back to australia, the competition with the children for her selfishness just might be too great. I don't think your children will be very happy anyway with her, so the threat to your position has not yet materialized. . .

and really , you have feelings of your position being threatened. . . which is normal. . . however, try to let go of the future what if, and try to relax and just let nature run its course with the divorcee. . . obviously, either she has a problem with men, or men have a problem with her, and its only a matter of time, but you have to give it time. . . .

being married to her just might be what opens his eyes, because alot of the dysfunctionals don't come out until the relationship is considered inescapable without difficulty. . . . . that's why they use children as pawns, use SAHM as pawns, they prey on the weak when they the manipulators are at their maximum percieved power. . . .

however, please, his being abducted is his journey is not about you, and you are reliving the past with your memories of the good times, while you are now down in the bad times. . . .

try to refocus on the good parts of each day, and just do the best you can at being thankful. I am also in a deep dark, hole, and i when my GF called, i said everything is bad. She said, not everything, she hasn't dumped me yet! which made my day for the moment. . ..

its hard, but you need to find the good parts of each day, and be thankful you are alive today.

one interesting point i read just this week about your X's disorder is that they seldom have dreams. Did your X ever have dreams? My X's symptoms now follow more of what your X has, than anything else. and in the past, there were no specific dreams, there was no excitement, lets do this, or that. I had asked her point blank before, and she just stared back at me. When she was in the process of telling me that she wanted out, I talked about what we had discussed along time ago, and X replied, "Those are your dreams, not mine" there was always resistance, stonewalling, which is what they do when threatened with loss of control or power. . .

so just put the responsibility for their behavior on them, and take your responsibility for what you have, and work with that. . .

just focus on the here and now as hard as it is. . . and work on acceptance. . . and try to form new dreams instead of getting bogged down with past dreams. . . .

wiftty

Nina too,
Just wanted you to know that someone across the world, in Texas, will be praying for you and your children. I came from a broken home, my dad is on his fourth wife. I learned first hand the pain of divorce and that is why I fought so hard for my marriage. I often wondered why my people jump into marriages when the partner has a bad marriage track record. My IC told me that our spouses have learned nothing from the affair but how to be cheaters and selfish and they take that baggage with them in their new relationships. We here on MB are learning what it takes to have healthy relationships and remember our spouses have learned nothing. Stay strong..Rhonda

Jacky, I'm so sorry. I know she isn't who you would choose. And that's unfortunate. But it is his choice. And at least he won't be shacking up with her when the children are around.

That doesn't help much, does it.

I know I was none too happy when my children told me x was getting married again. But I have come to like her. Rather more than I like x but....

My x was smart enough to marry a woman who doesn't like living around children. That's why her x raised theirs. And she was smart enough to marry a man who had children. Aren't they just the perfect pair?

Dear Jacky,

I'm so very sorry, what you must be going through. There's no doubt their 'marriage' will fall apart, I wish your children (and you) didn't have to be exposed to all this selfishness and pain.

God bless you,

Evensong

Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

1. affair marriage
2. re-marriage so soon after divorce
3. her 4th marriage
4. his 2nd? marriage
5. relationship built of lies and guilt

It just needs to reach critical mass before it explodes. Quit caring. My cheating mom married the OM who became my step-dad. It took upteen years before that finally came unraveled, but it did. I will tell you it was an absolutely miserable marriage. Too bad I had to endure it. My XW married OM in September. I doubt XW is happy. I do my best with my daughter, but I can't keep her from that environment. Whatever, let the fools go.

I know it's hard to not think about the children, but the best thing you can do is to let it go and focus on your children. Their (your's Xs and the OW's) relationship will not be a happy one and will eventually run its course. Have faith in that.

Be happy. Enjoy your children while they're still children. Find a great guy, and move on. Live a different dream.

The best revenge is living well.

Jacky,

So many people here today have said, "I'm so sorry" and "It must feel awful" and "We know how you feel", but to be honest with you, mostly I'm thinking of you. I know this is a blow to you. It's one thing to have a spouse divorce you and behave like a selfish child--and quite another to have an ex-spouse marry someone else, because that means all the hopes and dreams YOU thought you two had are not invested in someone else...someone who is clearly immorral and unfeeling or else she would have NEVER even considered a married man as an "eligible catch."

But, my old friend, I want to remind you of something REALLY CLEARLY. Write this on your mirror if you must: This is not about him, it is about YOU. You are still the same loving, smart, moral, throughtful womane that you were before. Even if he chooses to marry his prostitute, she still won't be legitimate--she'll just have a ring on her finger. On the other hand, YOU will still be the woman that you were meant to be. YOU were the one who took care of the children while he galavanted around. YOU were the one who took care of business, paid the bills, found a home, and provided for yourself and your kids. YOU were the one who was responsible and faithful and mature and moral. YOU were the one who acted in integrity and maturity. YOU were the one who took the high road, even while he was acting selfishly and poorly. YOU were the one who stood strong and did not allow him to walk all over you. YOU were the one who as too smart for him. YOU were the one who took care of yourself and even your mental health. YOU were the one who took care of the kids and even their mental health. YOU were the one who demanded equity and respect and fairness--and would accept nothing less. YOU were the one!!

Jacky, your ex-H is lost in a mirey pit of deception, and his ego is so wrapped up in his own lies that he can not and will not face the truth. On the other hand, you are living in the light of truth--even going so far as to be true to yourself and face your own demons. He will most likely never realize, much less admit, that he was wrong or that he caused severe and serious harm (somehow, it is all your fault, in his head). It may be that in your lifetime, you will never see him humble enough to say he made a mistake by leaving you! But Jackster, in your mind and heart, you keep your thoughts on YOU. What are YOUR dreams now? What are YOUR goals? How will YOU behave, no matter how goofy-in-love he acts or she makes him act?

Reality is that Ms. Clickety Clack IS going to be in your kids' lives (we can only hope that it's not too much). But even if she is, YOU will always be their mother, and SHE will always be the woman who broke up their mommy and daddy. She may be in their lives when they visit their dad on holiday...she may be the "step-mom"...but YOU have the choice of how YOU react and how YOU behave.

Personally, I'd say throw a gigantic pity party for a day or two, cry your eyes out and eat lots of chocolate, and then get down to the business of deciding how you will behave. You don't have to "like" her--just tolerate her; and your children don't have to "like" her either--just teach your children to be civil. That's it.

Hugs to you my friend. I'm sorry your ex-H is such a blind, arrogant, selfish [censored].

CJ

Thanks for the warm replies everyone....

I am over the initial disbelief at X's stupidity, and dealing witht the here and now, and not the future what ifs. Hard to do, I know, but I am dealing with it.

My kids are very unhappy about it, but I am telling them that this is the way it is, and we have to accept it. In some ways I am luckier than most, because he is not actually in the country, but he intends to marry her here, with the kids involved. And of course the kids are already boycotting the wedding.

You know, even my 9 yr old thinks Dad is rushing this....he asked me today how long it took dad to ask me to marry him....it was 6 years <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (My God, that should have told me something)..but my son was flabbergasted that this time his dad is jumping in with her so 'fast'. Yes, he knows that clicketty clack has been married before.

Thanks again for the encouraging thought.

Love and light,

Jacky

CJ, just read your reply.....thanks for those reminders of who I am and how I have dealt with stuff so far.

I am taking that on board for dealing with this latest thing.

Love and light to you,

Jacky

Jackie,

I guess it was better that xH didn't tell me he was gonna marry the OW and just did it.

I felt cheated.......he never gave us the chance to be divorced....to relate as single parents of the same children.

I remember doing day care and having 2 yr olds in my care.......they play next to each other and then one grabs the toy from the other and runs.........Mmmmmm sounds similiar to me.

xH has been married since the 9th of december we think, never told kids when he did this........kids still haven't meet their stepmother..........Mmmmmm my thought .......is he ashamed of her or of the kids.........my kids are awesome.....so I am thinking it must be her.......he has had two opportunities since their marriage to introduce them, wonder why not?

The what if's will get you if you play that game......actually that's how this all happened for me..... xH wondered what if I had the older HS GF back!!!!!

So don't play the what if game!!!!! Put it in God's hands and allow him to take care of it for you!!!!

My 2 cents on the subject!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What a freaking DIPWAD!! What a moron! Jackie, I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Look at it this way: she might be 'stepmom' to your kids IN NAME ONLY. YOU - yes YOU are their real MOTHER so why do they need a stepmom?? They don't. And look at it this way too: she is NOT going to adopt them, and you are still alive so - they do NOT need any stepmom!!
Tell your DS Ex to put that in his pipe and smoke it.
Harold

Jacky,

Unbelievable, or should I say believable, your x has been known to be in deep fog, not suprising this urge to rush into 2nd M. But clicketyclack... if she's the one who left those 3 xhusbands, your x is in deep, not only fog, but Sh(:)t.
I really feel for you, down under hugs from NZ your way.

Take care.

Jacky,

I'm not sure what to say, just that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

I remember the day my ex told me her was flying to Vegas to remarry. He remarried exactly 6 weeks from our offical divorce date.

At first I was hurt and shocked because I could see that it wasn't the guy I knew for 18 years talking or making these plans. He was clearly being led around by the balls and after the intial shock wore off, the reality that he is a grown up and he will have to deal with the mess he made caught up with me.

Now it is catching up with him. He looks terrible and he doesn't seem happy but you know, I don't worry too much about it anymore. It is a path he chose. One thing that is different and I'm not sure its good or bad is that my kids actually like his new wife. They really haven't shown any signs of blaming her for our divorce and they enjoy spending time with their Dad and her. Yes, I'm jealous but in the long run, I'd rather be where I am than in the position you are where your kids are so upset. I have accepted that she is part of their lives now and even though I don't like it one bit, I also know I'd never want him back or to be back together even pretending like a family. He destroyed that and now I'm leaving it up to him to deal with the mess he made of it. I can't bail him out of the mess he has made. Again, if I thought the kids were affected negatively by the situation, I might feel differently so I really can't say I understand how you feel. Only that I know the situation and yes, it is like a kick in the stomach.

I sincerely pray you find peace and comfort and some degree of acceptance about this situation as it will continue to eat away at you and your children until you do. I'm not saying you have to support it or endorse it, just accept it.

Yes it sucks having to share everything with an OW. I'm having surgery Tuesday and lo and behold so is OW. Same hospital, same surgeon, basically the same procedure.....

My first thought was "DO I HAVE TO SHARE EVERYTHING WITH THIS WOMAN?????" so yes I do understand the aggrevation.

I also see that reality is sinking in with my ex. He is not a happy person, he misses his kids terribly, and she is draining the joy from his life. This is the choice he made. From the outside, it is so clear that he screwed up.

Then again, I know have an opportunity to be happy on my own, with my kids, and possibly some day with someone who will love me for me and not just for what I can do for them.

God bless you my friend. I'll be thinking of you.

Lynn

Thank you for even more replies!

I am coping, and the girls seem to have accepted itin that they lived a normal day today. My son, however is not coping at all. He has been seeing a child psychiatrist, and just last week the doc told me to only bring him back if I thought he needed it. I asked him if he would like to go to see Dr John and his padded room with things you can hit and swear at, and he said YESSSSSSSSSS. So I said, "You know, I would like to get into that room for a few minutes too!" He laughed...and so did I.

I do not know if X shared the news with his family, since none of them has contacted me yet. But maybe they are giving me time....or maybe he chickened out.

The biggest feeling I have about this is that he is so stupid. Geez, you wouldn't back a racehorse with her track record! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Either the men didn't think she was a good partner, or SHE didn't think they were, but it all boils down to the fact that she is not good marriage material. And I think THAT bothers me because THAT is what I am being replaced with. Not to mention that if she ditches X and the klids DO get to like her, it will be another person leaving them.

Dad has a saying, an old Scottish one (adapted into understandable English here, lol):

"If God had given us the power
To see ourselves as others see us
What wiser men we'd be"

He is full of good sayings...and I have to tell him how much he has helped me over the last couple of years. I love my Dad, even though he was a WS to my Mum. I am investigating my reactions to that right now in counselling.

Lynn, I know you rarely post now, and I thank you for coming here to mine. Our X's have similar traits, to be sure. But you know, someone said to me yesterday that I have to give him credit for actually TELLING me he was getting remarried, rather than keeping it from me. I grudgingly do so. BIG of him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> after all the lies he has told me. And he STILL will not admit she was on the scene before we split....but I asked him if he had shared our difficulties with her....first he denied then he said he didn't remember, then he said he told everyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ....WTF!

DEEEEEEEEEEEP FOG

and it is going to take him hitting ROCK bottom before he realises what he has done to his life and to everyone else's. I really do actually feel sorry for him, which I never thought I would.

Me...well, I am doing what I always do, raising the kids and taking care of us all. Luckily my once a month "feel good" support group is tomorrow night, so that will help me a lot.

Thanks for listening, friends,

Love and light,

Jacky

PS: Remember when I said I didn't want to come here anymore? Well it always seems to be the case that I am feeling good, then BAM! Upside to the head, as you US guys say. Will it NEVER END???????

Jacky, I have nothing to add to what everyone has said. I just wanted you to know that my heart went out to you and the kids when I read your topic. I know you'll be ok, but that is small consolation when you've just gotten slapped with yet another painful reminder of how the person you once loved is no more. I am working hard myself on letting go, forgiving, and moving on. Baby steps...

((((((JACKYYYYYY))))))

I am so sorry to hear the news. I haven't been on IM much lately, but wanted to give you a big cyber hug.

Love,

ANNA