Hi Everyone,
I usually post on the GQII forum, but at this point I feel a move here would be in order. I began posting about 5 months ago, and MB has been a tremendous help.

My divorce was final in August. I was the WS, but my exH didn't find out until after separation that I'd cheated. He filed for D as I'd refused to do so. I ended R with OM in July of 2002. IT sounds crazy , but even though the A was very long I still felt I would be with my exH again, and that was who I should be with. The A was truly like being an addict, some sort of horrible trip for me.(I'm not making excuses, I still can't believe I did this horrible thing.)

I still wake up in a state of disbelief at the way my life has become in the past four years. I wonder if this is a common feeling post-divorce?

I ended the relationship with OM right before the divorce was final. I'd wanted to do it for a long time, but didn't have the courage to end it.
IT's all very complicated, and ridiculous in retrospect, of course.

About a year ago my now exH said we should go to dinner and a movie. He then changed his mind. This is the only glimmer of hope as far as him wanting to spend time with me that I've had in years. (separated in fall 2000)

About three weeks ago we had our most recent R talk on the phone. HE said I could vent anytime I felt the need, but he still wasn't interested in me. He said we were incompatible, and it wasn't even all about the A now. He isn't dating anyone and hasn't during the entire separation/divorce.

I've been working hard at showing him my love through my actions since summer. He and I are cordial, but every time I've asked him to 'go out', it's no. He isn't seeing anyone, and hasn't during the whole time of separation/divorce. He says he's meant to be alone.

This week he agreed to do my taxes, as it would help our daughter. This was very kind of him, he is truly a wonderful person. I did see that last night when he came to get our sons he had EYE CONTACT with me and was much warmer than he has been in the past. IT's like a roller coaster, but I realize it's all my fault.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to show my exH my love for him, without 'pressuring' him? He said he doesn't like to be pressured. Is he watching me now, and seeing if I'm truly as remorseful as I say I am? (I have no interest in men at all, only in HIM)

I've told him again and again of my remorse, and how sorry I am. I've also told him I will wait for him.

Any suggestions, thoughts at all would be appreciated.

H_P

Met exH in 1973
Married 1981
Long Distance EA 1998-internet
PA 1999-occasional in person meetings
Separation 2000
D Day feb 2001
exH files summer 2001
OM moves local fall 2001, leaving his family
End w/OM July 2002- he moves back to his area
D final Aug 2002
3 Children 19, 15, 16

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

hopeful,

I'm sorry no one has responded to you. I was hoping you would get some response from someone in your situation who could encourage you.

Obviously, I am at the opposite end of this train wreck, but the timelines we are travelling is similar, so I thought I'd give you my thoughts.

First of all, I'm sorry for the pain you are enduring. I am glad, though, that you have "come back to your senses" and are trying to regain what you lost.

Since your life is the "fantasy" I wish I were living w/my FWH/now EX-H, I can only encourage you to keep trying to reconcile!

The hurt you inflicted on your H is/was very deep and awful. I'm not sure I can even express it in enough words to make you understand it. Since it is "over" in his mind, I'm sure his reasoning for not wanting to get together is that he probalby doesn't want to be hurt like that again. Understandable.

So if you truly believe your best course of action is to reconcile your M, there are things you can do. First of all, begin a Plan A on him! This will be hard to do, since he's keeping you at arm's length (or further) away. But my H has such guilt over what he was doing all along, that once he left, he never had contact with me! Not once after he left the house did he initiate a phone call, or want to see or talk to me, about anything. (When he left, he left me a note saying he had filed for div. - and I found the papers in the mailbox). After that, everything was handled through his attorney.

At first, I did nothing, as that is what he said he wanted. Finally, I found this site, and began writing him letters, Plan A style. He did not reject them (I thought he would be angry), but I also did NOT discuss "Us" or talk about our M with him. I was simply "nice" to him, and kept it light. This is what I suggest you do.

It will take some time. Obviously, since he's not seeing anyone, he doesn't feel ready to be in a relationship yet. Even with you! Take that as a sign as to how deep the hurt of your A was. He needs time. He may be secretly glad for where you are, but afraid to believe it, or trust it.

Hopeful, this is going to take time. Maybe a very long time. He is going to have to heal himself first before he's ready to try to believe he can trust anyone or love anyone (even his former W) ever again.

Hang in there. I'm sure others will have good advice for you. The week-ends are always slow. I will be praying for you, as I believe God wants all M's restored, and He can do it!

God Bless,

dear h_p,

i have been following your posts on gqii and my heart goes out to you. though i am the bs in my former marriage, i ache everytime i read of your love for your husband. if my ex behaved as you are, i would take her back in a minute!

i will be praying my butt off for you, God bless you.

andy

ps...please foegive all lower case, i have two little pups on one arm.....

Thanks for your responses. I really need the encouragement , providing you think I'm being realistic.

Lupolady
Thanks for responding. YOu're right, it would be great to hear from someone who'd been in my shoes and had success. I'm sure they're a few of them, somewhere.

Yes, it's good to be back to my senses. It started about a year ago, quite strongly. Sadly, it took me awhile to end it with OM . We spent the last six months of our A together fighting a lot. In fact, he and I argued more than exH and I ever did. What a nightmare.

Thanks for reminding me of the hurt I inflicted on my exH. I don't know what was wrong with me, to do what I did.

I've been 'trying' to do a Plan A since mid September, when I first came here. I will read up on it, and re-initiate Plan A again. I guess that means no R talks, so that's the way to go.

Thanks for sharing your story. It is heart breaking , what you said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But my H has such guilt over what he was doing all along, that once he left, he never had contact with me! Not once after he left the house did he initiate a phone call, or want to see or talk to me, about anything. (When he left, he left me a note saying he had filed for div. - and I found the papers in the mailbox). After that, everything was handled through his attorney.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you speak of sending letters to your husband, did you send email letters, or 'real' ones. Which ones should I send, in your opinion. He lives a mile from me.

How far away did your H move? Has this no-contact with him remained since the beginning? I admire your strength. I see too that you were married as long as I was married.

You then said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He may be secretly glad for where you are, but afraid to believe it, or trust it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have felt an inkling of that, too. I feel at times he wants to have a R with me again, based on his responses on the telephone. He pauses and hesitates a lot, like he's very confused. I'll quit bothering him, as you suggested, on that score.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I feel that God wants this too. When I brought that up to exH in January, he went ballistic. He said how could I bring up God, in light of what I did. I told him he was right. I also told him that I felt that 'Evil' had prevailed, since we were now divorced. To me, that is the opposite of what God wants as our vows were a holy sacrament. I fell into temptation, and chose the wrong path.

May I ask you, do you have any contact with your H's grown sons? If so, how do they feel about all of this?

Thanks again, Lupolady.

Not My Will ,
Deepest appreciation to you, too, for responding.

It's nice to know that you are a forgiving person. You know, I always thought my exH was, too. In my twisted mind, I thought he'd never let me go, even if I had an affair.

He never acted judgmental about people, and even understood why our former Pres's wife Hillary stuck it out with him. I'm not excusing myself, but it certainly was a different message then what truly was in his heart. It's understandable, as it's different when it's happening to you.

I think that it's hard to ACCEPT that he doesn't want my company, or to be with me, at all. It's a huge blow to the self esteem, just as I gave him an even bigger blow.

Thanks for your prayers, and enjoy the puppies!

I will re-initiate plan A with my exH.

Take care,
H_P

Hi Everyone,

I am 'bumping' this up to see if anyone else has suggestions , thoughts, or ideas.

It seems that I'm not getting any response anymore on GQII, and as I mentioned earlier perhaps I belong here as I am divorced.

I am now simply venting, but I must say I'm feeling worse as time is going on , not better. I truly thought that my exH would return to me, and that he loved me. I guess I was completely wrong, thus far.

He was my best friend for years , since teen years in fact. Then I got involved with OM. It was such a huge, awful mistake. My exH was my everything, and I've lost it all. Thanks for letting me vent.

I want to call him, again, and let him know I love him and want him so much. Every such conversation has been met with negativity, so I don't want to risk it tonight.

Why do I keep holding on to this? Should I let go, or continue praying for God's intervention.

Thanks for listening,
H_P

h_p, I don't really have any suggestions either. But my heart goes out to you. I'm the BS but I think divorce is painful for either party if they don't want it. In fact, it may be worse for you, because you have the guilt and remorse to deal with as well.

I could have said the same thing you did:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly thought that my exH would return to me, and that he loved me. I guess I was completely wrong, thus far. He was my best friend for years ... My exH was my everything, and I've lost it all...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H treated me like I was the WS, blasting me with guilt for writing in my journal about an old bf in response to his repeated rejection of me (which I now realize was due to his repeated A's). Although I realize it was his projection, I don't think he realized it. He blamed me for everything.

I pray for the humility to accept God's will for me. Whether this means that my H will get sober and come back to me or something else, I don't know. At this point that seems very unlikely. All I can do is live my life as fully as possible each day and have faith that God will give me what I need.

H_P- I wish there was some magical potion you could use to melt the ice around your XH's heart, but it could just be time and persistence that gets the job done for you. You might have a hard time believing it, but as a BS I can tell you that he's not "over" you. In my case, we separated in the fall of 2001 and D'd in December of last year and guess what? There isn't a day goes by that I don't think of her and we were together for "only" 12 years. I've discovered too that time has a way of cleansing away alot of the hurt, leaving me with lots of good memories of our time together. I guess what I'm saying is that you still have plenty of reason for optimism so hang in there.

In the meantime, you can continue to look inward and work on yourself. I have to tell you H_P that some of the obstacles you've described in your life since the D are things I worry about with my XW, especially the issue of forgiveness.
Since the day my XW told me she was having a A (I had no clue), I've prayed more about forgiveness than anything else by far and I think it's helped! Specifically, I pray that: I can forgive my wife, that she can forgive me, and that God will forgive both of us. Good luck with all of this H_P, we're pulling for you...

I understand how you feel. My wife and I are just entering the separation/divorce stage, not by my choice. I had an A one year ago. We've been trying to work through it. Seemed to be going well at first, then up and down, and now she's done trying. I'm not, but I'm trying to be accepting of the situation. She has been confident with her wishes and shows no sign of changing them. I will respect her wishes but I will continue to show her how good we can be together.
I've prayed daily for God's help in repairing the damage. I will continue my prayers and keep my hopes alive. I pray for a miracle.

HP,
if this were a country song the line we would probaly be singing would be, "just one more chance...PLEASE... just one more chance!" but of course it isn't a song it's your life and the lives of your children that's being discussed and that's what makes it extra sad.

my God! what could have possesd you to behave in such a self destreucitve manner? in any case you're in the dummper now so here's my idea.

if i'm not mistaken, your H left you before he new about your A. if so, he must have given you some indication of there being a problem...people just don't up and walk out...unless they are the one's who feel they found their new "soul-mate" (yuk) that is. so what gives?

if it were me i woud concentrate on the problems that caused the split and work on them. put your cheating on the back burner. other problems seem to be the deciding factor and if you can solve them to your H's satisfaction maybe you can ignite some interest in him again.

coach