Hello. I am posting for several reasons. To look for encouragement, advice and to hopefully help to restore my marriage. First I'll start with my story.

My wife and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and have an 18 month old daughter. Last May my wife got sick and I panicked because of an anxiety problem that I have. I basically deserted her emotionally and have admitted that to her and apologized. At the end of last summer, my wife began to go out to bars with some girlfriend's of hers that she met at work. In December, my wife admitted to me that she had been smoking pot and had tried cocaine a few times but had not touched either for about a month. After finding this out we had an argument and I took our daughter and stayed at my in-laws for about 4 or 5 days. After that I went home and my wife and I began to try to reconcile our marriage. About this time I began seeing a doctor for my anxiety problem. (My anxiety problem causes me to fear different illnesses and make me feel that I may have different illnesses.) I have been on medication for my anxiety problem for about a month now and am still seeing a doctor for it. The problem has gotten much better during this time. About three weeks ago, my wife began acting depressed and distant again and explained to me that she is unhappy and is not in love with me and doesn't think that she can ever be happy with me. She says that she tried but there is just no feeling there. She will not go to a marriage counsellor with me because she thinks it is just a waste of time and will cause her more pain. I am willing to do anything to fix our marriage and am confident that love can be restored but my wife feels that the situation is hopeless. Whenever I am home she leaves or just talks on the phone. I work full time and then come home and have to do all of the household chores and take care of my daughter because my wife has not been doing anything around the house. I am also home alone with my daughter the majority of the time on the weekends because my wife goes out with her friends. I really do not want to get a divorce but in my wifes eyes there is no other option. I truly believe that our marriage and love can be restored and our marriage can be better than ever. I am also concerned for my daughter because I do not want her to grow up in a broken home. Please help because I just do not know what to do.

I am sorry for your situation. First of all it sounds like your W is going through a very selfish time right now. I can't believe she even leaves the care of her baby to someone other than yourself (not that you can't take care of her, just that her motherly instincts are not there), You are right though. Your M can be better but it will take a lot of work and patience. Secondly she certainly needs to find that love she had for you again. True Love is a decision, not something that just falls into your lap from out of nowhere. This is where the patience and work come into play. She is in a life now where she is having a lot of fun so it will be extra hard for her to come to the realization that her happiness shouldn't depend on things that she is now pursuing. True and lasting happiness will not be the result of anything here on this earth. It comes with the simple things: God and family.

You need to read the information on this site, buy and read His Needs Her Needs and read and follow "Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley. Hit it hard before infidelity comes into play. Then you will have a whole new set of problems.

Prayers,

Jetes

Welcome. Are you familiar with the site yet? There's lots of wisdom and help here.
Go to Plan A and Plan B. Also, if your wife is going out to bars with single girlfriends, and tells you she's not happy and not in love, I smell an affair.

Being married doesn't mean you are always happy or in love with your spouse. It means that when you aren't happy or in love, you are commited to the extra effort to work on your home, spouse, family.

You went through a selfish and needy period for awhile, and now your wife is going through selfishness and neediness.

Are you seeing an MD to monitor the medication? You need to be stable and strong right now. Your baby daughter needs a good Daddy because her Mommy is pretty much absent.

Check out the Infidelity Boards so that if you find out your wife HAS gotten involved with someone else, you won't be blindsided. I'm sorry you have this mess in your life.

First of all, thank you for the quick responses.

I have been looking for some good books to read so I will definitely check out His Needs Her Needs and Love is a Decision. I would really hope as well that my wife would either read them alone or with me but I don't see that happening.

As far as worrying if there is an affair, I truly don't believe that there is one or ever was one. She has stopped hanging around with some of the worse girlfriends that she was haning out with and is now hanging out with some others that I know are not into drugs. The girls that she is hanging out with are also lesbians, but one is a person who she has known for over ten years and had lost touch with and is now talking to again.

One worry that I have is that my wife is not receiving any positive encouragement to work on the marriage as the people that she talks to about it have a worldview on marriage. Basically that if you are not happy, you don't need to be in the marriage. I do not subscribe to that belief and feel very strongly about the vows tat were said on our wedding day. I do not want either of us to settle for a dull or unhappy marriage or to give up. Anything that is worth achieving such as a great marriage is something that has to be worked and strived for.

I am also still seeing my doctor on a regular basis and he is monitoring my meds as well.

One thing about my wife is that she is afraid of failure. Because of that fear she does not want to try to salvage our marriage for fear that it will fail and it will hurt her more. She has left me totally in the dark as to what is going on with her thinking and feelings and has basically built a barrier around her heart for fear of being hurt.

My father-in-law thinks that I should go and stay at my parents house for a few weeks to see if that will help things but I feel that it may do more harm than good. I also fear that if I do this that if we do get a divorce (which will not be my decision), that I will put myself in danger of losing my daughter. I do not want to lose her as she is my life. I just want her to grow up in a stable and happy home with her mother and father together.

I feel that all that I can do right now is be the best father and husband that I can be and leave the rest in God's hands but letting go of the situation and trusting God gets difficult sometimes.

1. prepare for the worst and get the advice of a lawyer. this does not mean you are dviorcing her but he/she will tell you what your rifghts are and what your actions mean legally.

Good luck

toyman