I have been separated since July 02(legal sep. signed Sep).
Daughter wants to move in w/ X. I say no way because X had drug problem, she says she doesn't have it anymore but I cannot trus her because she has cheated on me at least three times in Marraige; and she is living with her boyfriend.

I told X she needs to get a job and have her own place and be responsible if D wants to visit let alone live. X replies what I if am supported by someone else? Turns out that X is engaged to turdboy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My oldest boy is doing crappy in school (4 F's last grading period because he never turned in homework!). Youngest boy acting up in class all of the time (doing a child study on him too).

I injured my back lifting weights 3 months ago, chiropractor hasn't done crap after 10 visits, now I am trying a physical therapist.

On top of all this, I am horny as a freakin' goat, yet the thought of going out really turns me off and I am sick of taking long showers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . I was thinking of a chat room, but that makes me feel guilty. I posted on match.com, but I don't know anymore.

Is this a normal funk as I am approaching the one year mark?

Any suggestions? I need 'em!!!

You can email directly if you want at newhorizons38@yahoo.com (i should rename it to ****tyhorizons38 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Thanks for letting me whine...

A. Stop Whining
B. Put your energy elsewhere, possibly in helping your children get through this trauma. Read some childrearing books, attend a support group, find out why they are all having problems.
It is important to focus on your needs, but your children are important and they've all shown signs that they need something now.
Focus your energy on them, and not at getting back at their mom.
If you learn to be a healthy individual, they will grow into healthy adults (I hope at least).
Good Luck - and consider this a kick in the [censored]!

Newly:

The kids are going through counseling (which they all resist like the plague), are hooked up through the Youth Pastor at church, etc. All my energy has been on them for the past nine months. I am not trying to have them get back at their mom...her environment is not one conducive for parenting. I have not told the kids about their mother's past.

It would be nice if I had a relative, etc. to help, but there is no one. It wears on you when you do this solo with three smart, extremely strobg willed children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Time to Move on:
<strong>...I told X she needs to get a job and have her own place and be responsible if D wants to visit let alone live. X replies what I if am supported by someone else? Turns out that X is engaged to turdboy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Time to Move on,
Good for you that you set responsibility boundaries for your X. In order to be an adult, parent in the relationship with her kids, she DOES need to have a way to provide for them financially (that is not dependent on BF of the week), and she DOES need to have PROOF that she has conquered her addictions. I bet you feel like "the bad guy" a little, but don't torture yourself--you are being a FATHER. Oh, and BTW, you do realize that your D wants to move in with mom because mom has no rules and will let her have her own way and party with her, right??? Even if your D is just a kidlette, she knows that mom will join in the fun, not discipline her and give her rules. So don't fall for it. Stand strong and KNOW in your heart that you are doing what is best for your child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>My oldest boy is doing crappy in school (4 F's last grading period because he never turned in homework!). Youngest boy acting up in class all of the time (doing a child study on him too). </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, being the sole parent SUCKS, doesn't it?? I can totally relate to how you feel, and how it sometimes feels as if your kids are falling apart yet you are doing more than all you can do! Time to Move on, it's okay. Do you remember how you felt when you first found out about the affairs?? Your world was ROCKED and you weren't yourself for a while and everything you thought was safe to build your life on was crumbling. That's where your kids are (to some degree). It's hard to concentrate on homework and school when you can't remember if dad will be home after school or not, mom could call any second and make dad cry, and everything you THOUGHT was safe to build your world on is crumbling. This year, your kids are not going to get A's nor are they going to be expressing their anger, grief and disappointment very appropriately...BECAUSE THEY ARE CHILDREN. They aren't as equipped as you or I, and WE (grownups) fell apart when our marriages crumbled--it's seems reasonable that the kids would fall apart a bit too.

Even though they seem resistant, keep taking the kids to counseling or group or whatever they are going to. It WILL help them...they just don't know it yet. However, consider their feelings if they "don't like" a certain counselor or if they are uncomfortable in a certain group. Maybe they just don't like THAT guy--but they would do perfectly fine with a lady counselor or a different group. Maybe they would like a group better than individual counseling (so they could see they are not alone in feeling like they do)...or maybe they would like IC better because it's more private. TTMO, do what works for them, and DON'T GIVE UP.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> ...On top of all this, I am horny as a freakin' goat, yet the thought of going out really turns me off and I am sick of taking long showers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . I was thinking of a chat room, but that makes me feel guilty. I posted on match.com, but I don't know anymore. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can certainly relate to this feeling! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I want to be the kind of person who considers sex to be sacred between two people who love and care about each other, but BOY...sometimes I could jump a guy if he was just BREATHING. I think her majesty, Cinderella, holds the current record for "longest time without": FIVE YEARS!! Oy, if I had to do that I'd be bald and I'd own stock in Ray-O-Vac!!!

You know, there are two ways to look at sex: intimacy-based and orgasm-based, and I think the part that is driving up bonkers is the orgasm-based side...the part that is more of a physical need. I don't know what to tell you. Speaking for myself, in my more sane moments (like when there isn't a full moon) I thought about the kind of person I want to be and what I want sex to mean to me, and I just made a decision that I don't want an orgasm without the intimacy part. Soooo...when I am going insane (which, BTW, is getting to be less for me), I go workout or I take a hot bath, and if need be, I find BOB (battery-operated boyfriend) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Hey! God created me a sexual being and I don't want to lose interest!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Is this a normal funk as I am approaching the one year mark? Any suggestions? I need 'em!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it sounds to me as if you need a break, and some "adult time." I'm not talking anything sordid and inappropriate here. But why don't you arrange with SOMEONE (neighbors, gramma, wifey, pastor) to watch the kids for the weekend, go play poker with the guys, go out on the town a little, and get home REALLY LATE and sleep in and just be a grungy, grownup, single GUY for one weekend. I'm not advocating getting drunk and doing something you regret--but I am advocating going out for martinis or going to the comedy club with two other single buddies or smoking cigars (even though you don't smoke) or going to a hockey game and spilling beer on the people in front of you...

Get the idea?? You need some "I AM A MAN" time.

Have fun!!

CJ

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

I have no family near me either, but I am blessed with many wonderful friends, a core group of whom I met through my Divorce Support Group. Find one if you can. Ours is truly support, not a dating scene, and we plan social activities with and without children, parties, snow tubing, baseball games, etc. It's been a godsend, just to go out with adults, and we can set up play dates too.
Find your way, adult time is important.
Good Luck.
I'm in Central NJ, where are you?

Newly:

I am in No. VA.