Talking about relationships with my counseler tonight who was reminding me of how horrible my marriage made me feel and how I didnt want to repeat it.... especially with the same man.

But she said that opposites attract is when we are trying to heal ourselves from past issues, looking for missing peices of ourselves.That romantic infatuation is sort of to cover up those issues and to allow you to fall in love with someone who can help you work through thiose issues. Because otherwise you would never consiously pick someone who would bring you so much pain.

And that sucessful relationships are actually with like people.

I always thought we had the same goals, but if I look at the personality tests I think we are pretty opposite.

So then what... do you have to interview anyone you are going to date to make sure you dont go and fall in love with the wrong person. Do you just throw romantic love out the window and go for friendship, likeness?

OH my god - these words just stung through to my very core - and I just realised the issue - don't need to go into detail but I am actually short of breath.

I was actually coming in to this board to ask some questions about starting the divorce process - emotional etc (legal stuff is different where I live and quite straight forward) but now I have forgotton what I was going to ask.

Cut to the bone thanks

Another piece to my puzzle.

My GF and I think very much a like. We have different views and opinions but our thought process are similar. In the past I had always gone with opposites. Funny I hadn't looked at it like that until I saw your post.

Lora,

You hit on something here. I was just wanting to post something along the same lines.

I still believe that romantic love is the key to relationships. But you have to be able to sustain it. So I think that can happen whether the relationship starts as a friendship and develops as you both fairly effortlessly meet each other’s ENs (because you are so similar, I do think this happens more naturally in relationships with similar personalities – at least for needs like affection, openness/honesty – maybe not AS or SF), or whether you fall hard for someone tall, dark, sexy and handsome, where after the first 3 months or so you both really need to learn and understand how to meet each others “other” ENs – or as important avoid LBs. The difference in the latter case is that the process feels more deliberate and sometimes more difficult.

I don’t believe that successful relationships are only with like people. But I do believe that the communication in the relationship, your ability to speak (and listen) to each other’s language is key, and that sometimes some of us just aren’t as good at learning new languages - especially if it is very very different from our own. For example, if I know French, Spanish might not be a big leap. But learning Chinese – without the Latin-based foundation to fall back on might be near impossible for me.

In my own new relationship, this challenge is in being a “feeler” who is with a “thinker”, add to that our different political viewpoints and sometimes even sharing articles in the newspaper requires a huge amount of emotional energy for me. I have to explain why I feel lectured to and how this feels like a disrespectful judgment, and he wonders why I can’t just take emotion out of it for a minute and “think”. Sometimes I want to scream. (Sometimes I do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). Sometimes I wish I was just with someone who understood me “intuitively” – even though we line up on all the other Myers-Briggs characteristics (INFP and INTP).

This “thinking” perspective is like Chinese to me sometimes, as is my “feeling” perspective to him. Yet at the same time I am learning to do something I never did well in my marriage: speak up for my feelings, face conflict and negotiate solutions (even though sometimes it is still through tears) and I don't know how much of it is really being understood. I try to focus on the personal growth I hope is happening. Because the rest of our relationship is delightful.

I dated several people after the divorce and I grew quickly uncomfortable with the “feelers”. They seemed too much like my ex-H and they didn’t feel safe. In my injured state I could only handle people who seemed stable and logical – that wouldn’t be vulnerable to leaving me because their feelings started to rule their actions. I couldn’t (and still can’t sometimes) trust that one can be a feeler and be trusted to be faithful (although I am - feelers are allowed to have double standards and conflicting views <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ).

So I know I consciously/subconsciously chose my BF to help me heal. And he has been everything I’ve wanted: trustworthy, honest, totally supportive, solid, good to my kids, affectionate, sexy as h*ll, fun, kind and patient. Now I want to see if we can learn to master each other’s language enough to give me confidence for the long haul.

But sometimes I still wonder if there aren't some "irreconcilable differences" one is well-advised to learn to recognize...

Hang in there. It gets better.
Starpony

Lora,

I think that even though they are opposites,
"if" you both grow and change together through the rough spots things can work out..

It's when one of you grows and the other doesn't is when the real problems come to a head..if you are the one who has grown, your needs change to meet with that growth--and their needs remain the same--

If your spouse doesn't see a need to grow too
even more problems insue..which is when marriages many times end in divorce--

But, your right, I know..had I not dealt with issues that my marriage brought to light within myself--I would still be in a very miserable marriage--

Lora,

Interesting thread. I wish I understood the mystery of love. The Harley's don't really explain why you're drawn to someone in the first place...they fill up your love bank? How when you barely know them? And if that's the case, why am I not falling madly in love with the man I'm dating who is more like me in some of the main ways my H was different and is way more successful at meeting my needs and not exhibiting love busters?

I fell in love with my STBXH even though we're different - in terms of Meyers-Briggs types, I'm an INFP and my STBXH is an ENTJ. But we had similar political views and educational backgrounds, we were close to the same age, and worked in the same field(my current boyfriend and I clash on politics which is difficult in such a highly politicized time, we have different educational backgrounds, I'm 8 years older, and we work in different fields and I have no idea what his Meyers-Briggs type is).

During our unsuccessful attempts to rebuild our marriage (it might have helped if H wasn't living with OW the whole time), my H and I went to an IMAGO marriage workshop. IMAGO therapy is all about picking someone because you're trying to resolve issues or because they exhibit traits you deny in yourself, or wish you had. But IMAGO therapy more or less says this is inevitable and that recognizing and working through this makes for the most successful and fulfilling relationships.

So, does anyone out there have the formula? I'm sure I don't!

When I was young, I totally fell for the opposites attract theory. He was so different from me...the strong silent logical type where as I tended to be social, chatty and carefree. In each other, we found qualities that we wanted for ourselves.

As the years went by I began wishing he would lighten up and have some fun and at the same time he was wishing I would just settle down.

We compromised by allowing each other the freedom to do what each other wanted. The resentments started to build. He would occupy his free time with solitary hobbies and ignore my constant quest for an interesting conversation or passionate lovemaking.

I, on the other hand, met a man who was so much like me it was scary. We never crossed the boundaries of a PA during the marriage, however, I guess it would be accurate to say that we did engage in an EA as far as my emotional needs were being met in more ways than I ever imagined. We finished each other's thoughts, laughed at the same jokes, and basically relished in the sameness of our personalities.

I know that my ex would like to believe that I had been adulterous (in the physical sense)because that would let him off the hook. He doesn't have to take responsibility for not being there. It's kinda like not paying your bills. You can ignore them for so long, but eventually they are going to come and repo your appliances, your car and eventually your wife.

He's a good man and a good father to our 2 children but we just weren't a good fit. We did the trial separation, and in his mind, I know he thought we would reconcile our differences. We tried counseling, but basically I had flipped the switch to off so I take responsibility for that part not working out. I guess I felt like for years I had been trying to make it work but it was so one sided and I was exhausted. When he finally sat up and realized I was serious it was just too late.

We've been divorced for 6 months now and I'm very happy and content. Yes it hurts me to see him in so much pain. It hurts me when he wont look me in the eye or when he does, it's to shoot daggers in my direction. Each day that goes by I am more convinced that I made the right decision. Here is a man I spent 16 years of my life with and I don't even know who he is.

I know he wont have any trouble finding someone new to love. I just truly hope the love he finds is someone more like him than I was and he can be happy just being himself instead of the someone I wanted him to be.

Well... I suppose I have to agree with the statement here: But she said that opposites attract is when we are trying to heal ourselves from past issues, looking for missing peices of ourselves.

I had a low self esteem and my exH was very sure of himself (now it is generally looked at as total arrogance by most). I think in many respects I may also have been feeling I "needed" a man in my life and that made it all so much easier. The differences seemed to be something that could be worked out, but it wasn't so. The differences were fixed in that I gave up everything that meant something to me, and he did everything he wanted.

Lessons learned, yes. I know I need to be by myself, to make it on my own. I'm learning to set boundaries!

Lori

Lora -

I just had to add my two cents here.

While opposites do attract, I like the theory that my counselor gave me, and which is the reason for people to not jump into a relationship so soon after a divorce.

My counselor said that as we grow as persons and become more healthy emotionally as persons, that we will be attracted to and drawn to people like ourselves - so the more healthy we become, the more healthier the person we will be drawn to.

When we are healthy emotionally, then we are not looking for an "opposite" per se to fill a need or to help us recover from a bad relationship.

Usually when people are just out of a divorce, they look for someone who will give them what their previous spouse did not. And then when the person recovers from the divorce and can provide that need for themselves, then they start to look at what else that person can provide to them and often it may not be what the person is looking for.

So, when you are a healthy person, and you fall in love, then the theory is, that you will fall in love with someone who is healthy like yourself, otherwise they would be sending up red flags to your emotional psyche, and if you are in touch with your emotions, then you would be able to see those read flags, and know that something was not right.

Well, anyway, it makes sense to me. Keep up the good work. K