I had an affair-twice-on my husband. He found out about both of them on the same day three years ago. Even though it was over I still continued to obsess and long for this other person for nine months! I consider it almost going through a rebirth when I finally woke-up and told myself to go get therapy! Therapy led to medication and an understanding of how I got to where I did in my marriage and with men in general. We use to fight everyday and over night I became calm and things just weren't a big deal anymore. He says it was in our no longer fighting that he realized he was unhappy. He said he had nothing to blame it on anymore. He and I made the decision to have a baby for my sister and give it up for adoption. When he agreed to do this, I thought to myself, this man really does love me. I felt great about my decision. Three months later he started to become distant...I told him he needed to go to therapy concerning the baby, as we all agreed to go through therapy, along with our eight year old son. He decided when I was four months pregnant that he wanted a divorce. He planned on leaving that night-I begged him to please stay that our sixth anniversary was only three weeks away. It took all I had to keep him from walking out the door that day-needless to say I FREAKED OUT! He honestly did not realize I had begun to fall in love with him...he did not think I was going to be as upset as I was. I told him I was going through therapy in order to help myself and us and that I had finally allowed myself to trust in a man enough to truly love him. I have crohns disease and the stress was so intense that I began bleeding severely within 24 hours and the pregnancy became high risk. We went through hell and I never did stop bleeding for the remainder of the pregnancy, but we had a healthy baby boy-beautiful-natural birth. A month before the birth he got a vasectomy and around my six week post pardom he finally admitted that he had never intended to stay and everything was a lie. I convinced him to speak to one of the counselers on Marriage Builders and he agreed. We had one therapy session with Jen and when it was time for the second-he again said he wanted out that he was just trying to make me happy so I would not fight the divorce. That was in late October and that is when all false acts of his trying to make this work ended. He is still here, but we are now in seperate rooms-I have a job for the first time in years-stayed home with my son-and we have a second car now-the only thing he is waiting on now is to get a few bills paid off se he can afford to move out. I posted here before, briefly, but no one really had anything to write. I am hoping today will be different and I will reach someone who may have some words of wisdom. I do love him dearly and want this to work and I fear his moving out-once he leaves I know he won't ever be back. He says there is no one else, but he is acting towards me the same way I did towards him when I was having an affair. He is adament on not wanting to try, not wanting anything to do with me. ...Yet he will still have sex with me if given the opportunity. At least I am able to fulfill that need??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Is there a way to turn a resentful husband around? He wants a wife that is independent and felt I could never be that. I feared I could not be that either...but I have gone from floor supervisor to second assistant in only three months of working. I am as motivated and driven as he. Which was something I never thought I could have for myself. ANY help would be greatly appreciated. We aren't friends and never really were-I would like to be that for him, but he does not feel I am someone he would want to have as a friend. However, we are still treating each other as we were a year ago-he is withdrawn and I am withdrawn out of fear of upsetting him in some way. I am almost 31 and he is 29. thanks! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

The discussion boards help in applying the concepts, but the His needs/her needs books and the concepts on the site are key to your recovery. Also read, surviving an affair.
If you do the work, you will reap the benefits, if not in your current M, then in the way you look at life and relationships in the future.
Good Luck.

I have read the site many times, I have both books-read them...had two phone calls with Dr. Harleys daughter...but nothing has made a difference in his attitude. I have changed quite a bit, but again...nothing affects him. Looking for some advice on what I may not be doing that would help or if there is even hope at all.