Married 21 years 3 kids (daughters 19 & 10, son 15) Wife began affair last June... 2 weeks after she agreed to attend marriage counseling and 2 weeks before our first counseling appointment. We attended counseling. I wanted to work things out. She didn't. Her behavior has been selfish and skanky. Our divorce was final yesterday.

OM divorced from wife but still living with her. (I have heard she is under the impression they are in the process of reconciling) Before contributing to the breakup of our family, he did the same thing to another family. Should I let her know what he has been up to?

19 year old daughter asked tough questions and knows the whole story. Disgusted with Mom and concentrating on life at college and considers my new place her home. Will refuse to meet OM.

15 year old son goes to boarding school. He does not know about affair. He has not met OM yet.
I am thinking that if my wife tries to introduce my son to the OM as her "new friend" I will then tell him the whole story. Thoughts?

10 year old daughter lives with her mother. OM is around regularly as "just a friend." At some point she will figure out Mom has been deceiving her. Should I tell her the truth?

Any feedback/thoughts much appreciated...

Read the concepts on the site and truly evaluate your relationship and the role you played in the deterioration of the marriage. Then talk to your children without blaming. Work on yourself.
There are also books on discussing divorce with children, but your children are older. I would want to focus on teaching them about healthy relationships.

I agree with newly about talking to your children without blaming. If you tell them about the OM behavior, it will appear that you are "poisoning" them against your XW. The OM true side will surface in good time.

Let your X explain things to the kids. The best you can do, is say that certain events occurred that caused your M to end.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johninCT43:
<strong>15 year old son goes to boarding school. He does not know about affair. He has not met OM yet.
I am thinking that if my wife tries to introduce my son to the OM as her "new friend" I will then tell him the whole story. Thoughts?

10 year old daughter lives with her mother. OM is around regularly as "just a friend." At some point she will figure out Mom has been deceiving her. Should I tell her the truth?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there anything "positive" for them that will occur from knowing "your" side of the truth?

One phrase I remember from my days of serving Uncle Sam, Remember, when you point your finger at someone there are three poing back at you. I'm in no way saying it's your fault. But I am saying that at this point when the damage is done don't do anything that will bring unfair burden upon your children.

The advice you have been given is good but I must give you caution from my own experience.

I am in a somewhat similar situation - wife of 18 yrs having affair with family D.O. and boss. I avoided putting the kids in the middle. They knew of my distrust for OM and dislike but WW had told them of A and exposed them. Also confided "their love", told them to lie to me, and other things to secure their approval for D, etc.

The kids have been seeing a child Psychologist several weeks and Psychologist has actually pushed me to start explaining my side of things because it has caused a difficult relationship with my kids. All they have is WW side which is full of blame and lies for me -problem is that it is the only side and it becomes truth for them if there is no evidence to the contrary. I now have the difficult task of trying to fix things.

I might suggest getting them or yourself help with a good biblical counselor to help sort things out.

Best of luck

John

Thank you all for your good advice. I have not told my other two kids about what happened up to this point for the reasons you all have mentioned. I have no doubt that at the end of the day the truth will indeed come out. In addition, at this point, my relationship with my children is no diminished by their not knowing. (The situation would be very different if, for example, they had come to the conclusion that I had been the unfaithful spouse). To the contrary, my relationships with all three children have grown closer -- mostly because the same immaturity and self-absorption that led my wife to be unfaithful has meant that she has not "been there" for them as she should have been during this difficult year. Example: my three kids could not help but notice that the weekend following our breaking the news to them I devoted three days and drove 2,000 miles "just to check on them" while my ex went to Baltimore to attend a pottery class...though they don't know that the primary reason for the trip was to shack up with the OM and not to play with clay.

On a related issue, what about the OM's family? This is the situation... he and his wife divorced two years ago, but they still live together in the family home. (In addition to being a morally reprehensible scumbag, he has also had a string of failed businesses, and I suspect the reasons for the divorce may have had more to do with asset protection than the relationship). From comments my XW made to a close mutual friend, the OM's XW is under the impression that they are reconciling and is suspicious that he is having an affair. In addition, as I think I mentioned in my original post, before his affair with my wife, the OM had another affair with another married woman and contributed to the breakup of that family as well. I have to admit that it really pisses me off that he is leaving a trail of sorrow behind him without, as yet, any consequences. Question: Should I tell his XW and perhaps other adults in his family what happened? If I don't, aren't I guilty of complicity in knowingly letting him deceive his own family? And, what about the family of the next married woman he latches on to after he gets bored with my wife? Maybe if there were consequences for him...

Thoughts?

john-

As you mentioned in your first post, your divorce is now final. You need to get on with your life with your beautiful kids and stay out of your W's affairs (no pun intended) as well as her 'friends' problems. You will gain nothing by getting in the middle of this.

You are NOT guilty of complicity just because you know something. try to put these people out of your life and deal with your XW ONLY on issues related to kids and divorce decree.