Hi All,

Haven't been around for ages, just haven't had the heart to keep coming back here and reading this stuff.

Last week was very tough for me, it was one year ago last week for D-Day 2 and D-Day 3, for the constant suicide attempts and running away and for daily cutting, for blood soaked sheets and for almost constant panic.

It was a year ago Wednesday I couldn't cope anymore with my poor wife and got her into ER and then into the Psych Ward where she stayed for many months.

Last week I was a wreck, was sick with flu for days and our family dog bless him passed away rapidly from Cancer. I had to deal with the whole lot totally alone.

You can imagine the last thing I expected a year ago was to be experiencing last week without my beloved wife by my side or in my arms, to have been through so much (that at times is so unreal that I reread my diaries to prove it) and yet to lose her all at the end of the day.

Today my Solicitor received my letter to progress with the final piece of paperwork to give my wife the divorce that she has asked for. Two weeks ago I sat in the Solicitor's office not wanting it, feeling an almost surreal kind of feeling that this was it, that this is what it has come to, and then of course the emotional drain of the last two weeks. The paperwork is a formality really, assuming no complications or objections on her part the divorce will be final in a matter of days.

I have finished up my MC, my IC and also the Children's Therapy. The final thing left is the financial settlement which is planned for discussion from late march to late april. I am hoping that that will be resolved quickly.

I read and am encouraged that there are many here who have managed to turn around the most dreadful situations in order to get to a place of recovery, and the help I have received here has made me a different, perhaps better person. Certainly the pre-A Neil no longer exists.

I still have my hopes and my dreams for my future and I am still going for them, but am one person less in them.

Sometimes I wonder just where I went so utterly wrong and to this day cannot figure out what should have been done to change what has become. Guess with that one I will never know.

My Girls are the focus now, their wellbeing and their upbringing, and above all trying to protect them from the traumas their Mum suffered.

With Love, Neil.

Neil-

Sorry to hear that you've been sick on top of dealing with the emotional drain of D. I know what you mean when you describe being in that office and knowing that you have to be there but wishing you were anywhere else. All this anguish you're going through (rather than avoiding or covering up) is going to lay a solid foundation for recovery and happiness down the road. It'll get better for you...Good luck and god bless!

Thanks litchfield. Certainly don't feel like I am getting anywhere fast. Go from days of being aok to days of being a wreck.

My girls are away this weekend, and boy is it lonely.

Dropped off the Porsche today so at least that's one less thing to worry about!

Neil.

Well I asked her to come home last night. Plain and simple, I don't care what has happened, all I care about is that I love my wife and I do not want this divorce. I have lost my Wife and my Family unit through the most extreme circumstances.

She cried a lot on the phone, kept talking about being hurt again and then OM#5 took the phone and wouldn't let me talk to her anymore saying that we were divorced (we are not yet) and that I have upset her enough - this from a man preying on married women and destroying families.

I broke down again, sadly my girls woke up (it was 11:30pm) and we all ended up in an uncontrollable huddle.

Today she blasted me because of a Solicitors letter on finances going through the motions, the same letters that have blasted me when they have arrived.

It doesn't matter how mentally prepared I thought I was I simply love this woman, do not want this divorce but there is no other way to protect me and the girls, just want her to come home.

What ever you do if you are fighting for your M do not divorce whilst you still love them, it's crushing, utterly crushing. Sometimes you have no choice, you might take them back in an instant, but it doesn't happen if it all gets so messed up.

We shouldn't be here. This isn't about love for another OP it's about raw pain from child abuse, I don't know why she doesn't see that.

I have lost a wife that I love dearly and my girls have lost a family. She could have just come home nothing else is relevant.

Neil

tough times, eh? not sure what to say.
one thing is sure - you did what you could and can. carry on. if *she* doesnt want, what else can you do? not much, apart from looking after yourself and your children. get to the divorce, then take a break - you've more than earned it.

N

Dearest Porche,

Hey, DON"T BEAT YOURSELF UP< I KNOW YOU ARE HURTING AND I KNOW YOU ARE SCAREDd.
I have read your post for almost a year now. You have done your darndest to save your family. What more can you do? Let it go. Let God handle it from now on. Be strong, and whole for your girls.. You CAN, I know it, we all know it.

WIth much prayer for you and your babies!!!

Sara

Just letting you all now I am now divorced. Have spent the last three hours crying, feel absolutely crushed now. Didn't want it, had little choice.

Of course my X no longer wants to talk to me, its all my fault of course. I doubt I will back here at all, except maybe under a new id that she cannot read.

Neil.

Hi Neil,
My DV was final last week, and I too am feeling the pain. I also have three kids at home who are feeling it, so I am trying to focus on them. I have spent the last 3 or 4 days dragging myself from place to place, crying, hardly able to get out of bed. Somehow we make it though, by God's grace. I have a friend yesterday who simply said to let Jesus take your hands and just lead you through. I am trying to do that. Lean on your friends, also.
God bless you, I hate that anyone is having to go through this. Let us know how you're doing, okay?
KK

Neil -

Decided to check up on you.

I am so sorry for your pain.

I just want to shake her into reality.

Just know that she forced you into this situation. You HAD to protect your children.

warmly,
nursebetty

Thanks NB, I hope you are well also.

Been divorced two weeks now and am taking control of my situation I suppose.

Am getting on with the things I can do and the things that I can't I just leave for another day. I am finding pleasure in everything that the girls do which in many respects is my solace.

I have been threatened with Custody battles and so on which has upset me and the girls no end so I am making moves to try and stop that as it is emotionally distressing for the girls to hear and they do not want it.

My Kids are coming home and talking about the latest lies and thats hard, just have to nod in agreement, they are too old now and seen to much to be kied too. I don't lie to them and they know it.

I am good in myself and moving on - though I have no idea what that means. I guess it means that I reached my limit. I had always said to myself that the DV was the date for the ending of trying, and I have stopped trying now to recover her. She has my Plan B letter which stated how I feel and she has the divorce. We should be entering into the financial stuff these next few weeks not that there is much to cover. Its simply this is the pot, this the lump sum end of story.

I shall have to retire from MB under my current name and will rejoin under something new as I move forward in order that prying eyes no longer read and throw at me. Thankfully little gets to me now which is a relief.

I am even planning writing a book of my saga if Dave Peltzer can get through hey then maybe my story deserves an airing....!

Best Wishes Neil.

Hi Neil,
Wish I could have done more to help, still care.

Ss

{{{{{{NEIL}}}}}}}}}}}

So sorry for all you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers
Dawn