I usually post on the jfo board until today. I got my d papers. I have screwed myself and cannot recover I have been giving her all of my money for the past 3 months and now have set a precedent. I did not want this. Yes I caused it but she led me to believe there was something to fix. Now I have nothing can't even afford a lawyer. I really have no clue what to do.

Talk to a lawyer about working out a payment plan. Your W cannot set a precedent based only on 3 months. You should tell your soon to be attorney that you tried to BUY back your M by listening to your W. The judge will look at the past couple of years to determine what is fair. Don't sign anything!!

It doesn't matter what you've been doing...there is a federal standard for child support in place. From now until the court orders are set, pay a reasonable amt of cs. 20% of pay after taxes for one child, 25 for two and 30% for 3.

Also call your local fathers for equal rights...they have pro bono attorneys that will help. Good luck.

Dont sweat it, you still have to live,STOP giving her money,you didnt mention kids, I'm betting you have some,let her file a CS order,STOP making all her car payments, STOP paying electric bills and mortgages,STOP paying ANY BILLS for the house, take your name off all utilities if your not living there, let her take the helm. MAKE HER get up off of it before the lawyer gets it all, get your self a place to live, the courts have to consider YOUR living expences, sounds like a great time to lose that klunker and BUY a car, you have to have dependable transportation to WORK and PAY , right?Find an under the table second job, and DONT TELL ANYONE about it, you need all the CASH you can stash now.also sounds like a good time to have a mental break down and take family leave,IF your ILL you cant make money and pay bills or lawyers,show the wifes lawyer RIGHT UP FRONT your NOT the cash cow,it will keep him focused on a fast, FAIR settlement, HE will not work for free, and IF he thinks it will be YEARS before you could pay him he will not allow your wife to drag it out and file unnecessary motions. IF you have kids and you dont have visitation schedules FILE A MOTION to set them up. DOCUMENT ALL conversations and phone calls with her, BUY good recording stuff and TAPE EVERYTHING.I sound mean, but trust me, you'll know MEAN when the judge gets hold of your life. just my opinion, get legal counsel before taking my advise,seek out a divorce support group for men, they will know a lot of your states laws and can advise you IF any of my OPINIONS are valid for your state. DIVORCE PAPERS are an act of war, so dont allow old feelings to cloud your judgement, your long term financial picture depends on YOU making level headed decisions.AVOID ANY contact with her where she could FALSLY ACUSE YOU of making THREATS against her, this is the #1 dirty trick scum bag lawyers use to make you look like a bad guy.REMEMBER< SHE can tape you also, so dont SAY ANYTHING THAT EVEN remotely can make you sound threatening. DONT FIGHT with her at all. SMILE and avoid confrontations with her, its over, now your in survival mode. good luck.

Keep in mind that FortyOne appears to be a very angry man.
If you have no money, go to the library for books on divorce. Decide how much custody you want of your children and be realistic. The stats shown are pretty much on the money, 17-18% for one child, 25% for two, and 30% for three children. But these percentages are based on the combined incomes of both parents, then prorated based on the parenting time of each. Much depends on where each parent lives, proximity to each other & school districts.
Two good books I recommend, Mom's House/Dad's House, and How to help your children cope with divorce the Sandcastle's Way. They both have custody information in them, but your state will also have information on this.

You will probably need a lawyer too. I highly suggest finding a support group to help you through this crisis, otherwise you will burn out your friends, or hang onto anger like too many people who go through a divorce.
You formally protect your finances by filing for divorce, only after that are your assets not joint.

Consider yourself in Recovery now, and truly make this a growth experience, or you can mire in Anger for quite a long time.

NEWLY, what did I say that was angry, i really want to know,should this guy allow this woman to rake him over? He gave her money thinking they were in recovery and she stuck him, that was fair play? I've seen this a hundred times, I"M ONE of the guys from a divorce support group, and I've seen women PLAY on guys feelings all the way to final judgement day, and it DOES set presedents,when women want out, they should IMMEDIATELY be prepared to SUPPORt their fair share, and IF the man is OUT of the home he should also be OUT of PAYING for it,if she dont need HIM, she SHOULD NOT need his money,HE SHOULD support his kids, i'm ALL FOR THAT. WOMEN wanted EQUAL RIGHTS everyplace EXCEPT in divorce court, WHY is that??SOME things you need to protect in a divorce, FIRST is your kids, second is YOUR CREDIT,if you plan on having a life after all the dust settles,IF a spitefull spouse cranks the heat all the way up and opens a window and truns the water on and leaves it on for days, your screwed, SEE why getting your name OFF things she is in controll of is important?? I've seen this happen, and the judge DIDNT CARE LESS,HE PAID. A close friend just got served with a restraining order, cant enter his own house, REASON? his wife is SCARED of him, she wants a divorce and he refused to leave the house untill it was sold,so she runs to a judge and claims he made threats,flat out LIES, guess who never stepped foot in the houes again? guess who's harly sat in the garage 2 years because she would not release it? 3 COURT ORDERS for her to release his things, ALL IGNORED,judge did NOTHING to her, FAIR?? HOW? DONT count on a divorce being FAIR, protect youir self at all cost and let the chips fly, she already did. NEWLY, REPLY??

Fortyone, if you are in a divorce support group (DSG) it appears to be one which fuels Anger, and I don't believe that is healthy from what I've read and learned so far. There are many women who want to be fair, only their spouses feel they are "raked over the coals". I have been told by 3 lawyers (including 2 mediators) that my proposal is fair, however, my H, like you, is blocked and believes it should be how he wants it to be.

The men in my support group run the gamut, from those who still wear their anger, to my good friend who was dragged out of the house by his local police - all of whom were friends. I've learned a great deal from all of these people, and I know which ones are safe and which aren't. I'm helping the friend who was forced from his house to refinance. And we just found out that X is using and not paying a credit card which was believed to be closed 2 years ago. His behavior in handling these issues now is very healthy, and he knows that child support and his decisions should be in the best interest of the children.
People can be nasty in this situation, everyone has a choice regarding their behavior. I believe those with children should focus on the children, and how their actions and reactions impact and shape their children's beliefs, and their mental health.
FortyOne, you scare me, and from your words I can imagine why your wives have left. I wish you the best in your recovery, however, I don't think you want to recover, but rather enjoy fueling your anger.
Many people act worse in their divorces than in their marriages. And it benefits noone but the lawyers.
God bless your children. I am happy to have found a support group which focuses on recovery, rather than reinforcing the attitude that you hold so dearly - that you are getting screwed.
Yikes.

NEWLY, I'm beginning to think us "bitter" types are the only ones who show up at support meetings, could that be because we are the lucky ones who got UNREASONABLE women who DID rake us over the coals?? Should ALL MEN WAIT and see IF they get raked over before they start protecting themselves? Its too late by then, isnt it?? You seem to DODGE all my questions and keep refering to how BITTER I am, FORGET that you THINK I'm bitter and ANSWER a few valid questions for us all, PLEASE? For the record, i'm still married AND STILL living with my wife, i'm having PROBLEMS with her, I'm TRYING to work it out, but she is UNCOOPERATIVE, and UNWILLING to ALTER her ways to meet in the middle, trust me, i'm NOT hard to deal with, I just HATE beating my head against the wall.AND, I HATE seeing guys RAKED by a corrupt system, how is it that in AMERICA, in a divorce court you can FORTELL the outcome of ANY preceeding JUST BY knowing the sex and income status of the litigants?? HOW COME the courts automatically ASSUME the mothers should have custody, and need COMPELLING ARGUMENTS to decide differently? WE ARE all EQUAL in this country, RIGHT? WHY do women LIE and get protection orders to toss us out?? Lets try something NEW, when a woman needs a protection order,lets move HER OUT, do that and watch 60% of those NECESSARY orders STOP being filed. lets not kid everyone , better than HALF those orders have no merit and are FALSE accusations. I was being HARRASSED at work by my EX WIFE, she was bugging ME because child support stopped coming, NOT MY FAULT, the STATE was sending HER money to someone else, this went on for WEEKS, i TRY to get a restraining order to stop it, THE WOMAN who issues them REFUSED to, saying my EX had a right to harrass me at work!! I DEMANDED to see a supervisor, HE saw my delema as a VALID need, and asked this woman WHY SHE did not issue it. SEE a little GENDER BIAS here too? I wonder how many men she turns away a week who never asked to see that supervisor??? The WHOLE SYSTEM is GENDER BIASED and BROKEN, ALL to the ADVANTAGE of lawyers, 50% of ALL these problems could be solved IF WOMEN were NOT given the upper hand. WHY PLAY FAIR, when judges allow WOMEN to break all the rules at will with little or NO recourse.MAYBE IF MOMMY spent a few days in jail she would STOP LYING to the courts to gain the upper hand. PS, I have not attended a meeting in 5 years, I thought I was done with all this crap, I REALLY WANTED to stay married for ever.

Hey forty, I have a couple of stories you are gonna LOVE. Read and enjoy:

I have a couple of friends who are brand new attorneys. They, a guy and a girl, were engaged to be married(they are now and have a child). Well one night they got into an argument and she started tearing up some of his CD's. He called the cops and they took her to jail for three days.
He even tried to stop it, but they hauled her off anyway.

I thought that might tickle ya. OK, the second one is my story. My wife, on the night of the incidents that broke the camel's back, was holding a dog chain and in the heat of anger started thrashing me with it. I wanted to pummel her, but refrained and called 911 instead. She took off and the cops came. They were insistent that she get a felony assault rap. They said all I had to do is say the word. They took pictures of the welts(oh boo hoo hoo)

Just a few tidbits for your amusement!

I am not going to give in any more she called tonight and I did not take anything from her. I told her if we were not discussing my daughter or soon to be new baby I have nothing to say. She kept pushing my buttons and I did say a few ugly things. I told her to have me a check which she said was already spent. I have $50 to my name right now and don't have a pot or a window to throw it out of. I have given her $8000 the past 2 months for what I thought was to pay bills little did I know I was paying for my divorce. I actually thought I was doing the right thing I was under the impression we were going to work it out. Won't be that stupid again. I have nothing to sell no retirement left b/c I gave it to her and I have to go to a lawyer tommorrow and tell him I have no money. I told her to start thinking about community property and she tried to argue it at first then said just come take it. She said to make sure the kids saw I was taking all of their things away. And then she started crying. Right now I have no remorse for what happened in our marriage. I love her with all of my heart but at this very instant I don't like her at all. I have somebody trying to find me odd cash jobs so I can raise some cash. I just don't know how I am going to afford to live pay alimony,child support, and have time from work to be with my kids. I moved out of our trailer on 12/5 she moved out the next week into her brothers trailer that is paid for. She and her parents decided to let the old one go back do you think her moving to a rent fre place will have any effect on the outcome?

1. See a lawyer to protect yourself.
2. Make sure you continue to pursue your parental rights and see the children. Set a schedule, and stick to it. It will help later when final custody is determined.
3. Read all you can, and talk to someone who can help. A pastor, a counselor, etc. This is a crisis and you need to ask for help.
4. Even if she is paying no rent now, when it comes time to complete the Client Information Statement (CIS) for the lawyer, she will claim that she is paying some rent. Ask for proof.

Good Luck, find a divorce support group to help you through this, and as hurt as you are, remember the children are the most important people in your life, and you need to be there for them, because they will be affected by this.

Went to lawyer today I have to come up with $3000 dollars for a retainer. I have no where near that. So needless to say I am in the middle of a fire sale right now. I have to sell what little I have left and hope I can be in the ballpark on money. And only have 2 weeks to do it. I am so screwed.