Hi all,
I'm new to this and not really sure what exactly I am looking for other than to know I'm not the only one out here who is feeling lost. My husband and I recently separated, this is around the 6th time he's left. This time I'm not letting him come back, and I'm scared. Scared that I will weaken once again when he calls to tell me he's sorry and wants to come back. I want to be strong and tell him he needs to work out some things with himself first before coming back again, but he always tells me that he has done that and I give in and let him come home. Any advice offered will be much appreciated. Thank you!

Hi Rainy,

So sorry you're going through this. Can you give everyone here more background on your situation? For example, is there infidelity involved, do you have children, abuse of any type? Substance abuse?

Leaving six times is extreme.

Rainy,
More info WOULD be helpful; however, if you're trying to be strong in taking a stand for him to work out his own things before working on the marriage, I would suggest reading "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. It is entirely about that issue, regardless of the specifics as to why he left. In fact, it also has chapters about how parents should be tough with kids, and other "tough love" situations. And of course, read up on the articles and info here at MB.

Thank you both for replying even though my post was brief with not much information. To give you more of an idea of how our marriage has been, I'll try to be brief because there is a lot! This is the 2nd marriage for both of us. We each have children from our first marriages and we have one daughter together who is now 3. The rest of our children range from 10-14 and they all live with us, except his son. My first marriage was extremely abusive, physically and mentally and my husband was an alcoholic. When I met my current husband, we were friends for over a year before we even started dating. I was very honest about my past relationship, especially with my intolerance for alcohol abuse. After the birth of our daughter, he got laid off from his job and I went back to work full time, and our agreement was that he would stay home until she was a little older and could go to daycare. He's never held a job since. To make a very long story as short as possible, he started drinking on a near daily basis, he was looking at porn on the internet, cable TV, and he was lying to me about all of it of course. I would question him and he would make me feel so guilty (saying that I was comparing him to my first husband and that wasn't fair), that I would walk around feeling like I was crazy. Things reached a crescendo, when last fall he began leaving for days at a time, and coming home looking like he was near death. The 3rd time this happened and he called to come home I said no. He had no money left, and was using so much that he couldn't take care of himself at all. He wanted to go to a treatment center. He spent 28 days in treatment, and came home again. For 3 months or so, things were good. He was working on his own (he's a painter), being proactive with his life, etc. Then a couple of months ago, he started being angry again, blaming me for everything, always mad at the kids, and started threatening to leave again. I don't think he was using again, but he may have been covering it up very well. Anyway, he left once for just the night, came back the next day and said he was sorry and was struggling. We started going to counselling. He went to 3 sessions with me before he left for a week and a half. Took his daughter with him, enrolled her in a different school, didn't contact me for almost a week. My father had a very serious accident and nearly died, so I made arrangements to go spend a week with he and my mom. My husband ended up going with me, and we talked a lot while we were there. I told him I was no longer going to rely on my love to keep us together and that he was going to have to make a decision about what he really wanted and we were either going to have to commit to a lot of hard work and counselling. I didn't pressure him or say anything else. On our way back he told me he really loves me and wanted to work this out. I was a little apprehensive because he'd said all of this before, but I had prayed a lot about it, and felt like God was giving us yet another chance to work things out. We were home for about 2 weeks and he was like his old self again, and I felt myself beginning to relax and have some faith again. 3 days ago I left for work, he told me he loved me like he did every morning. That afternoon he called me and I "knew" something was up. I didn't say anything, but I just knew he was using. He called again 2 hours later and exploded in anger and ranted and raved about how he can't stand living here and he hates me and he was leaving. I said OK. I came home and he was gone with his daughter again, our house was in shambles, our 3 year old was undressed, unfed and filthy. I knew that he had relapsed and didn't want me to see him so he had left. He called me again later and said he just called to say goodbye and that he would call me in a few days. I asked him not to and hung up. I haven't heard from him since. I know he will call this weekend and tell me the same old story he always does. I don't want to listen to it, and I don't want to give in again. I know in my heart that this is a sick relationship and I need to stop it. I love him, the man I first met, but I can't live like this and neither can our kids. I want to be strong enough to say no and move on and let him be. I'm afraid that because I love him, I will let my emotions win out and believe him once again, and let him come back and 2 weeks later it will all happen again. I'm going to continue with counselling, and pray that I can be strong, but I'm scared I won't be able to stick to it. I'm mad at myself because I think I'm being weak. I know that he is manipulating me and controlling me, so why can't I be strong and say No and mean it? I know that what I need to say to him is that if he really wants to work this out that this time he needs to stay out of the house and show me by his actions and not just words, but I'm afraid I won't be able to stick to it. Writing all of this makes me feel even more like I'm just a weak person, I need some help to realize and understand that I'm not wrong, that I need to let him go and let him decide what he wants. Thanks for reading, I know this was long.

Rainy, after reading your post I have to tell you that you are FAR from being a weak person, in my opinion. It takes courage and strength to deal with your situation.

Avondale's suggestion is good about "Love is Tough"; I'm reading it for the third time this weekend as a matter of fact and I draw more insight from it everytime. However, after your most recent post about him taking his daughter with him while is using, my immediate concern is for the children. Some legal intervention might be appropriate here.

Your safety and their's should be the most important thing right now. At the very least, being bounced back and forth between schools is bad! Others will have more advice for you I'm sure, others more experienced with this type of situation. Please stay strong.

Can't you invite someone sympathetic... parents or whoever to come stay with you in his absence? Explain to them what your LOGICAL stance is: not taking him back unless... and then swear them to not let it happen in a moment of weakness on your part.

Your biggest problem is that you're dealing with this in isolation.

Lyxa and Broken,
My mom would come and stay with me, but she lives 600 miles away and is taking care of my father who is still recuperating from his accident. She gives me a lot of support via phone though and I'm not totally alone here either. I have my kids and some great friends. In my heart I know that this time I have to stand my ground and not let him back in. He is going to have to make a choice on what he wants to do with himself. In Alanon I learned to Let Go and Let God, so I'm trying really hard to do that now. I'm just afraid I will give in.
As for legal intervention with him taking his daughter. She isn't my biological child so I cannot do anything, I called the police the last time he left and advised them that he had taken her with him. This time I have told her mother that they are gone and I don't know where they are but as soon as I know something I will call her and let her know. There isn't anything else I can do. He will lose her I'm sure of it, and rightfully so, and that will most likely only worsen his current mental state. He suffers from depression on top of everything else, and hasn't taken his meds for months now. I worry about him, but I can't help him, that's what I keep telling myself. I can't help but worry that he will so something to himself, but that isn't my fault either.
Thanks to all for your replies, even though I don't know any of you, it helps to hear your encouragement, and makes this just a little easier to deal with.