My husband & I have been married for 8 yrs now and my father never liked anyone that I was with when I was dating he never approved of anyone WHY, I don't know he was a distant father & when I was a child he just handed me money to get me out of his hair, never really showed any love & support for what I wanted to do & then when I got married at the age of 19 to a very unique man, I love him so much he never approved from day one my husband collects social security & SSI & my father could not stand him because of that, you shouldn't judge someone by that unless you know the person! Well anyways, My father on 3 separate occasions he came to our home, DRUNK I might add & just ranted & raved about my husband collecting SS & SSI well needless to say my husband didn't defend himself because it was my father & I didn't defend my husband because it was my father, & too top it all off when my daughter was born my first child, the first time my father ever met my daughter his grandchild he was DRUNK & he held her & the first thing he said to her was "OPEN YOUR EYES YOU LITTLE *****" & My mouth must have dropped to the floor that really hurt me & my husband. Well I cut all ties to my so-called father because at the time I thought this was all normal but I know now that it's not normal. Well in the 8 yrs I have had two affairs because I guess I thought that I could do better & I had a low self-esteem because of my childhood I don't blame my father for my affairs but I don't speak to him to this day! On new years eve I drank a six pack and went to his house & tried to get an explaination for WHY he did what he did & just couldn't be happy for me & he really didn't have an answer for what he did! And I also asked him to explain why he called his grandchild a ***** & you know what he had the nerve to say "It was a figure of speech" I just shrugged my shoulders & said leave us alone & went home! I hope anybody who reads this is still with me & can give me some advice because this really hurts me because it was supposed to be my father & he hurt me dearly! Any advice would help thanks for listening to me ramble on!!!! <P>------------------<BR>Tamai

Tamai,<P>Just some thoughts. First of all you mentioned that your father was drunk on both occations. Does your father have a drinking problem, maybe alcholism? I am an alcholic, and one thing I know is that things I said when I was drunk should not be analysed. Being in a state of drunkeness, things I said were things spoken by a fool. I would not try to reason, argue or even talk to your father when he is drinking. I also wouldn't advice you to try to talk to him after you have been drinking. The issues between you and your husband are issues between you two, not you and your father. You might want to read a book called, "The Dance of Intimacy". The book does a good job discussing relationships and triangles we create or allow to exist in our lifes and the triangle thatexists between you, your father and your husband is a good example of this. Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me I remember reading in one of your posts that you used to use drugs and maybe drink to much also. Have you ever gotten any help for this problem or looked into AA or NA for yourself? My thoughts for what they are worth, hang in there and take care of yourself. <P>God's strength and much patience to you.<P>Tim<P>

Thanks TimJ for replying to this, but let me ask you one thing when you were drinking did you try to go around and ruin people lives & uproot other peoples homes in a state of drunkeness? Because I would never approach him when he was drinking he always came to our home just wondering maybe since you know what that's like you could give me some input on this situation. And yes before I was bad with drugs & alcohol but after my second A I quit everything to work on my marriage because I realized that my marriage was more important than drug & alcohol so I just quit on my own!! And again thanks for your input & please keep in touch!<P>------------------<BR>Tamai

Tamai,<P>I never purposely went around trying to ruin others lifes, but drinking and avoiding changing myself did result in damaging myown, my childrens and my wife's life. If you have a lot of contact with your father, you might want to check out a Alanon group in your area to get some help dealing with your father. My advice would be to not have any contact with your father when he is drinking. Let him know that he is not welcome at your house if he has been drinking and leave his house if he is drunk. I too tried to quit drinking on my own after I found out about my wife's first affair. Did pretty good for about 6 months or so, then I thought I had it licked and started up again. Was soon back to my same old drinking habits. I went to counciling to try to save the marriage and councilor was able to help me realize I needed help with my drinking, that I was an alcholic and that I should go to AA. I did and it has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I realize now that I never want to drink again, that I can't drink and have learned to deal with lifes problems sober and I like it and myself. Your mentioning that you drank on New Years again, made me wonder if you might need some help dealing with your own drinking habits. AA is a great place to get help. I also come from a family with alcholism. My father and both brothers are also alcoholics. Anyway, just some thoughts.<P>God's strength and much patience to you.<P>Tim

Hello TimJ,<P> Yes I did drink on New Year's only for the holidays I don't drink strong anyways & I know AA is a great place because I accompanied my mother to the meetings after her & my father got divorced he was found at another womans house my mother never drank for the 23 yrs they were married she was in & out of mental hospitals though with depression, & after their divorce she started drinking very heavily lost her job they forced her to retire early she still drinks but since they are divorced she doesn't have the mental problems she used to have I believe in my heart he DROVE her to insanity, Anyways I don't speak to him to this day & I don't plan on it either he is an [censored] even when he isn't drinking he used to torment my verbally as a child & I don't remember alcohol involved in that but thanks for the input it really helps me a lot!!! Take care.... <BR><P>------------------<BR>Tamai

Hi, QueenTamai:<P>I have a few questions for you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>My husband & I have been married for 8 yrs now and my father never liked anyone that I was with when I was dating he never approved of anyone WHY, I don't know he was a distant father & when I was a child he just handed me money to get me out of his hair, never really showed any love & support for what I wanted to do & then when I got married at the age of 19 to a very unique man, I love him so much he never approved from day one my husband collects social security & SSI & my father could not stand him because of that, you shouldn't judge someone by that unless you know the person!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Please don't take this the wrong way, but why are you so concerned if your father likes this man or not? As long as your husband isn't abusing your or hurting your or anything like that, why are you paying so much attention to what your father wants?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Well anyways, My father on 3 separate occasions he came to our home, DRUNK I might add & just ranted & raved about my husband collecting SS & SSI well needless to say my husband didn't defend himself because it was my father & I didn't defend my husband because it was my father,</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK, there are some things that are confusing to me: <P>1) If your father was drunk, then how did he get inside your house? <P>2) Why didn't you defend your husband if you know your father is like this?<P>3) Were you expecting your husband to stick up for himself?<P>4) You said you didn't want to defend your husband because it was your father.....so you're saying that your father is more important than your husband is (in marriage sense)? I don't get it. <P>5) You would let your father said there and belittle your husband and you're not going to defend him?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>& too top it all off when my daughter was born my first child, the first time my father ever met my daughter his grandchild he was DRUNK & he held her & the first thing he said to her was "OPEN YOUR EYES YOU LITTLE *****" & My mouth must have dropped to the floor that really hurt me & my husband. Well I cut all ties to my so-called father because at the time I thought this was all normal but I know now that it's not normal.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why did something like this even have to happen for you to back off your father? First of all, you said he was drunk, I call drunks alcoholics if they're drunk more than one time. Second, you let him demean your husband and you don't even say anything about it and now this......I hope you see where I'm going with this.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Well in the 8 yrs I have had two affairs because I guess I thought that I could do better & I had a low self-esteem because of my childhood I don't blame my father for my affairs but I don't speak to him to this day! On new years eve I drank a six pack and went to his house & tried to get an explaination for WHY he did what he did & just couldn't be happy for me & he really didn't have an answer for what he did! And I also asked him to explain why he called his grandchild a ***** & you know what he had the nerve to say "It was a figure of speech" I just shrugged my shoulders & said leave us alone & went home!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You don't need me to tell you that what happened on New Year's Eve wasn't a good idea....<P>I guess what I'm saying is that it seems like you let your father (I don't know if it's intentionally or unintentionally) do these things. Your father didn't ruin your marriage, you did. You know why? You said that you had two affairs and you don't blame your father for it so how is it that your father is ruining your marriage?<P>I have a pretty horrible mother who abused me from the day I was born, but I don't let her ruin my marriage because she's not in it in the first place. I took her out of it a LONG time ago!<P>From the things you said, your father is not to blame for the state of your marriage as far as this goes, you are. You let your father come to your house drunk. You let your father talk to your husband in a demeaning way. My mother was the same way of my husband, she had nothing good to say about him. You know what I told her? I said this to her: <I>"If you can't accept my husband, but can accept my son and me, you can't have any of us. It's all or nothing."</I> That's what I told her. People may get mad at me for that, but I got her straight as where she will not be ruining my marriage. And I made that <B>VERY</B> clear.<P>So, what I'm seeing is that you're ENABLING your father to do all these things and then your try to put the blame of your marriage falling apart on him. No, your father isn't totally blameless, but he would've never gotten in the house if you hadn't opened the door or if you never went outside, am I right?<P>Think about what I'm saying. I'm not angry with you at all and I agree that your father is not acting as he should, but I don't understand how he relates to your marriage.<P>Miaka

Miaka, <P> I do get your point to this & I don't disagree with you because it wasn't my father's fault for my affairs & I did put in the topic that he was ruining it untill I had to finally stand up to him. I guess what I was trying to say is that you don't have to expect to stand up to your own father & you want your parents to be happy for ya. If I knew now what I knew then then I would have never let it go that far but he is not ruining or even does he have any contact with us now, When he called my daughter a ***** we were living with my mother which they were divorced at the time so it wasn't my house to begin with on that note, And your right that I did let him in the house because I trust him & I was trying to get along with him. Well thank you for your insight & keep in touch!! <P>------------------<BR>Tamai

Hi, QueenTamai. I'm glad you didn't take what I was saying as though I was being mean and stuff. I'm glad you see things differently. I hope things go better for you from now on! <P>Miaka

Thank you & yes things are going much better now . Have a nice day tomorrow!!! <P>------------------<BR>Tamai

Thanks, but I'm afraid it was a little too late for me to have a good day. I won't explain what happened on your thread, but if you want to know, go here:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007404.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007404.html</A> <P>Thanks again,<BR>Miaka