Finished course in Minneapolis this weekend. I am one of THOSE in withdrawal, very painful reality! I have lived 18 yrs. placing everyone's interests before mine, my "Love Bank" IS empty. I need to retrieve my identy, have choices, stop asking permission-"negotiating". I cannot reconcile this with the program's premise that to do what "I" want would be to lead a "secret life". I don't want a secret life, I just want a life. When I got married, one of the things I thought it meant was to compliment each other. I should be able to do things without my husband. My husband is now pasted to me, every move I make he is there. I can't visit my family members alone, I can't even go to the store alone! Every thing I do,it seems, has to be screened and approved! I feel awful, not motivated to continue or even think of trying plan. Depressed

oops-double post<p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited January 22, 2001).]

<BR>Seems like the premise regarding recreational time gets a bad rap and is misunderstood. It is not promoting no individual time but identifying that couples need to spend their 15 hours/week couple time doing what they enjoy most together. One of the things that occurs when negotiating how that time will be spent will probably be getting you out of the withdrawal state to conflict, so that isn't necesarrily a bad thing. Once you both have identified what your emotional needs are and you take the recreational survey to find those areas to help identify which receational activities you both have a passion for, that 15 hour time period should be more fulfilling and something you both look forward to. That 15 hour time frame includes intimacy so overall, it isn't that much time to plan things. It is the idea of developing quality coupleness, not joining at the hip. <P>Your individual time is supposed to fill those areas to refresh you so that the time you are together is filled with things to talk about, etc. to further develop your friendship and admiration of one another. The policy of joint agreement isn't supposed to feel like you have to have permission to do something but that in looking out for each ohters interests, you are able to keep a balance so that you don't lose emotional connectin from one another. Does that make sense?<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited January 22, 2001).]