#1 Hearing before the magistrate has been changed--our first scheduled hearing has been changed from March 31 to March 28 due to a conflict with the magistrate's schedule. I received a phone call from the domestic relations facilitator and a mailed notification of the change...which indicates that my stbxH's notification was sent to his OLD address. Now he WAS sharing a house with a guy month-to-month, but he moved out and left his roommate in the lurch, and I know he won't be getting his mail from that guy.

My dilemna is whether or not to fax him a copy of the notification or something. On the one hand, I am trying very hard to live in Plan B and let him have the consequences of his actions. He CHOSE to leave his housemate in the lurch, and he chose to move and not forward his mail--so in effect he chose to not get the notice. On the other hand, this hearing is to set the Temporary Orders, and if he doesn't show up, I'm worried that the magistrate will postpone it and then the kids and I won't get CS again for like another month! It's already been 3 months without any money, and by god we need a judge to tell him he's GOT to contribute to his kids!!!!!

I am confused about the difference here between enabling his poor choices and looking out for the best interests of myself and the kids.

#2 This Tuesday (March 11th) would have been my anniversary, but we are VERY separated, in Plan B and divorce has been filed. I see no reason to "celebrate" our anniversary or even acknowledge it, but I'm a little confused what the etiquette of the day should be. Do I totally ignore it? That's seems silly, because even though we are no longer together, my marriage was a big part of my life. Do I do something or say something about it? That also seems silly, because I can't be true to myself and celebrate a dead marriage.

So, I'm not sure what to do.

I don't feel like sending him a card or going out with him or anything...but it seems somehow inappropriate to not do SOMETHING. I want to do something that would honor me and the fact that I survived--but also acknowledge that my marriage was a big part of my life--but what?? It seems so confusing. Do you have any ideas? What did you guys do on your previous anniversaries? I thought I might get a manicure (since I've never had one) and maybe take myself out for a steak dinner with the kids. I also thought I might call a few friends and/or write some letters and/or someone be connected to people who do love me--you know, friends!

Should I even MENTION it to my stbxH?? I'm leaning toward no. He is the one who chose to leave us, dump us, continue running away from his issues, and continue pursuing his OW--I kind of feel like "Why should I bother?" It's not as if our anniversary means anything to him.

But I can't tell if I'm facing reality or if I'm just being bitter.

* * * * *

So those are my two ethical dilemnas. I will decide what I want to do about both issues, but I would appreciate if maybe we could brainstorm some ideas together. Please consider that I do not want to be one of those bitter, vengeful people--we are divorcing and it hurt me, but I'm trying to be the kind of woman God wants me to be. I do not want to act in a way that purposely hurts him, so don't tell me "F*** him--if he doesn't get the notification that's HIS problem and you can get things your way by default if he doesn't show up" because I want to do what is RIGHT. Okay?? Get it??

Thanks!!

CJ

Tough questions CJ!

I guess if it's important to you that he be at the hearing, send him the notice. Are you sure he'll show up anyway? If he isn't there, can you settle things the way YOU want them and just give them his new address so they can send him notice of how much to pay you?

On the anniversery.....Mine is coming up April 28, so I can relate. It does bring up alot of feelings....Perhaps you want to celebrate the anniversery with your children, because they wouldn't exist without the marriage. I think that is what I will do....take the kids out for Dinner and celebrate the Good that came out of our marriage, not the marriage itself.

FaithfulWife:

Hey, hey HEY! I'm surprised after that really supportive & inspiring response that you sent me, that you could be in a dilemma over at least ONE of the issues:
Being scared of being viewed as "nasty" or "vindictive" is classic doormat stuff! Will your motivation for what you do actually BE nasty, or vindictive? I don't think so. This does not mean you do not need to be fair. Why is the stbx not paying CS out of his own at the moment anyway? Because of a legality? Find out if he defaults by not showing up, then proceed accordingly. You know that you need to do this for your financial survival, and for your kids. There is nothing nasty or vindictive about this. (although you have just cause, since he isn't paying currently).

The anniversary is a no-brainer: although I was guilty of being tied up emotionally with my ex, and still am, to some extent, as you saw in my post, I made a conscious effort in the beginning to make a point about some things. I celebrated my 40th, arranged a party, and of course she wasn't invited. This was while we were seperated, but not yet divorced. She was seeing the same dude she's still seeing now, but she went BALLISTIC when she realised she wasn't invited, and even threatened to gatecrash the party!!(??) I suffered a stream of verbal abuse from when I picked up the kids till we left. Our anniversary while we were still living together was ignored by both of us, (she was having the A), and similarly the last one when we were 1st seperated (she was seeing/having A with current BF).

By all means celebrate it as a milestone in your life, and whatever memories you have associated with it. It could be cathartic. But leave him well out of the equation. Time to listen to your own advice now! (hope I didn't come across too harshly!)
{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}
muzohead

xxxx xxxx

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 11:47 PM: Message edited by: skye ]</small>

Thank you all so much for responding and sharing your thoughts/ideas with me!!

***
Anna:
First, hey you!! Good to see you on the boards now and then again! Let's email if we have a minute to talk!

Anyway, you asked if I was sure that he'd come to the hearing even if he was notified, and to be honest with you, I have no idea. His behavior is so foreign to me that I just can not figure him out at all--so no, I am not sure if he will show up even if he is notified. My goal here is pretty focused: I need the Temporary Orders to be put in place, specifically ordering some kind of CS. Personally, I think it is darn near criminal that he left Dec 9th and has only contributed $100 to his own children, and if he won't voluntarily care about his childrens' well-being then maybe he'll listen to a judge.

(Honestly, I doubt it. I suspect he is trying to "ignore us and we will go away", so I bet he will fight CS as long and as hard as he can. It's sad.)

***
Muzo:
Oh brother! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'm telling ya--two bodies one brain here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Just so you know, I prefer being hit over the head with a frying pan, so will you please put your 2x4 away?? haha. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just so you know, I am not afraid to be "nasty and vindictive" if I have to, and the circumstances under which I feel I would "have to" are fighting for the best interests of the kids. I won't have him kick us out of our home when there is already enough upheaval in the kids' lives. I won't have him deny the kids his financial support--he can hate me all he wants, but they are his CHILDREN and he has a responsibility to them in a financial way. I'm not asking for the moon here--I am requiring him to be responsible (and that's what he is rebelling against). Now, I am also trying to transfer the clearly-defined passion I have for defending the kids into an equal passion for defending myself, but to be honest that is slower in coming (but I am getting there).

You asked why he isn't paying CS now. Well, he moved out, is working at a job that pays beans compared to what he is capable of making, and "needs all of his money just to survive." Of course, it never dawns on him that he is surviving as a lone adult on $300 more a month than his children are. And to make a long story short, he just won't pay voluntarily. I can't just TAKE the money from him...but a judge can order it, so that's where I'm going.

You also asked if the judgement would default if he didn't come to the hearing. Darn, that's a good question! I don't really know the answer to that, nor do I know how to find out. My suspicion though, is that the judge would postpone things so that he has the opportunity to be present at his own Temporary Orders, and that is NOT the course I want to take. Good question!!

And finally, just so you know, you did not come across too harshly at all. Boy, you really do want to be "nice" don't you?!! No, frankly your honesty was refreshing and I appreciated it.

***
skye:
Oh, I am so glad you wrote back. I LOVE your suggestion about calling the facilitator and giving her the new address. See?? This is just the kind of idea I was looking for, because I wanted to be not only legal, but also feel like I did what was right while also not breaking Plan B. If I call her (which I am going to do TODAY), it is her job to notify him and if he then chooses to ignore it or doesn't get it or WHATEVER, why then I can know in my heart that I did the right thing. YAY.

BTW, I'm not sure if the facilitator called him or not. You're right that it makes common sense to think that if she called me, she may have called him. However, she and I spoke by phone a few times regarding setting schedules and papers to bring, so I know that she has MY number. I do not really know for certainty if she has his number. She and I have set a precendent of being able to reach each other by phone, and I have no clue if that's true for him or not. HOWEVER, your excellent suggestion will clear this all up for me AND maintain the Plan B, and I'm a extremely happy about that.

Regarding your thoughts about the anniversary, I would like to make something very, very clear. I recognize that I have been entangled with my stbxH and that I was addicted to contacting him. I have also made great efforts to "go cold turkey" and learn to detach myself--and I'm doing better! I most definitely DO NOT want to initiate contact, because for the first time in a long time, I'm doing well. That being said, I have never been through an anniversary or holiday or birthday without contacting him, and so since it is new and inexperienced ground for me, I was hoping to get some suggestions from "veterans" on what they have done to reclaim the day for themselves.

After giving it some thought, and hearing a few suggestions here, and talking with my kids about it, here is what we have decided to do:

1) I am going to get a manicure. My hands are extremely dry, my cuticles are in poor shape, and I have never had one, so I'm going to pamper myself and take care of my hands all at once.

2) We are going to have a fancy family dinner of roast brisket, roast potatoes and sauteed mushrooms. We're even going to eat at the table and buy a centerpiece bouquet.

3) We are going to do a "closing ceremony" in our back yard. We are going to write "good bye" letters, saying goodbye to both the good things from our old family life and the bad things from our old family life. Then we are going to burn the good bye letters and as the smoke rises we will let those old days go and move on. Then we are going to write what we think the future might be like, things we hope to change, and ways we want to grow...and keep those and frame them and hang them on the wall of OUR house.

After that, I know me. I'll probably call some of my friends on the phone. I feel a bit of love and acceptance from my friends, so I'll let myself enjoy a little friendship tomorrow.

Well, once again, thanks everyone for writing back. I got a LOT out of your ideas! (Now where is the phone number for the facilitator again??)

BYE!!

CJ

Good for you! Sounds like a great plan! We SHOULD email, I think we married the same guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Mine has sent me two letters now saying he has "no legal obligation" to see his kids. Huh??? Explain that to THEM, would ya? And he does pay the court ordered child support, now and then.....hard to budget on some of it, sometimes, whenever.....

Oops, sorry, don't mean to vent on your thread.

Can't find your email address, mine is Annavon2002@Yahoo.com

Hi CJ!

There's a part of you that's really addicted to him - granted, it's not the logical, reasoning, thinking part of you. But it's looking for any excuse to get in touch with him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It's ok - after loving him, and living with him for so long, it's a hard habit to break (imagine music in the background - Chicago 17, circa 1985, I think, just before Peter Cetera left).

Don't violate an RO just to save his skin - let the court do any rescuing if they can be bothered. But they are the ones responsible for communicating with him. So the most your recovery program would permit and still consider you sober, would be to call them and let them know of his shifty address situation.

The sooner he hits bottom, the sooner he chooses to live in recovery, or stay there on the bottom - and hon, he ain't near bottom yet. So don't break your own neck trying to save him from his free-fall. The most caring compassionate thing you can do for him is to let him find his way out of his misery as quick as possible.

Love, Kayla

Faithful, I loved your anniversary suggestion, and if you don't mind, I think I will use some of it too.

My 29th anniversary is next month, and I've already asked for the day and the day after off. I planned to drive to upstate NY to our hometown and the church we were married at and since it is on Sunday this year, I was going to go to church that morning. It will be VERY VERY hard, but you know I need to do this to bring closure to the day.

The idea of writing letters to the good times and bad and then burning them is one I will do at 2:00 pm that day, the time our wedding started. I'm staying with my aunt and uncle who were there the day we married and continue to be there for me now.
Thanks for reminding me that the very best of our time together still lives on in our beautiful daughters.

CJ, I haven't got anything to add to the anniversary celebration ideas, although I'll add my voice to the do not contact him chorus.

However, I do have something to add to the hearing-notification "dilemma". By all means talk to the facilitator, but I recommend that you also consider having your lawyer send a certified letter to opposing counsel. That way if the judge is tempted to reschedule in the case of a no-show, you will have proof that your stbxH was notified about the date change.

If your court system is anything like mine, it will show no restraint in rewarding the irresponsible party at the expense of the party that crosses all the is and dots all the ts. (No, I don't have that backwards: the rules of legal procedure are pretty much orthogonal to what's considered correct in any other venue.) You want to leave as little squirm room as possible.

DING=DING-DING!

I hear you all! Okay, okay--Uncle--I give! heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am very proud of me. I did contact the facilitator via phone message and by faxing the new address. I kept a copy of the report showing the date and time of the fax. I also faxed a copy of the notification of the change of date to the legal folks (and kept that report). Now I have gone as far as I can go, I have "done the right thing" and it is up to them to properly notify him--if they haven't technically done that already because may not have notified THEM of his change of address! Whatever! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, I feel that I did the right thing; I behaved in a way I can be proud of; I did not initiate contact; I did not break the RO; AND I maintained my sobriety--so I'm happy for me!!

Regarding the anniversary thing, my kids are not as hip into "writing" good bye letters (and anyone who know me, knows that I am a write!!! OY!!), but they suggested a candle ceremony with two candles: one lit to symbolize the "old family" and one unlit to symbolize our new life. They said lets say a few things we are saying goodbye to (both good and bad) and then blow out the old candle...then lets say a few things we are looking forward to in our new life and light the new candle. I like that suggestion!! Then I'm going to use the flame from the new candle to burn the goodbye letter I'm going to write, and that is SO symbolic, because the flame of my new life will be "releasing and letting go" of the old goodbye letter.

Isn't that AWESOME???

I love my kids!

You guys, thank you so much for helping me see brainstorm some ideas that are in line with my new way of living and yet also maintaining the kind of person I want to be. This worked out SO WELL!! Thanks!!!!

CJ

P.S. Annavon, I've got your email and will jot you a note tonight. If you'd like, you may edit your email out. {{Anna}}

CJ- good job on the address thing. Couldn't have done better if you told me what to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For the anniversary, your plans sound good. Don't make the children write letters. Do it yourself. Do you have a fireplace? Burn them there. Treat yourself to a bottle of champagne and toast your new life.

BTW, one of the best healing experiences I had was when I had a portrait done of my 'new' family. I shopped for photographers. Then, through a series of mishaps, God told me to get another one. So, I went to him and told him what I wanted. It redefined my family. Formed my family. Gave it a face. And it is a treasure to my heart. And I got the 20x24 portrait that cost me all my spare money for 8 months. And it is worth every penny.

Hey CJ,

Just wanted to drop by and say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Cinderella's idea about the portrait!! DO IT!! Make **that** the gift to yourself to show you've survived!

Nothing to add to the rest of the responses, or to the choices you've made already (like calling the magistrate yourself)... you're doing GREAT!

Keep up the good work!

HUGS!!!!!

{{{CJ}}}

You did good! Letting the court and the legal entities take care of contacting your stbx is the only way to go, for all the obvious reasons mentioned previously.

I love the ceremony you and your kids have planned. If you don't mind, I'd like to try something along those lines for my girls and I. Maybe I just need to do something like that for myself as I look for closure.

Lori

Faithful,

Pedicure as well. You won't believe how good you will feel every time you look down at your beautifully pedicured and polished feet.

Beautiful ceremony. Your children don't need to know what's on your papers - they can each write their sad things down, and light the candles the way you describe and let the new things come in - kind of reminds me of a book I read last Spring when things were pretty rough for me "Excuse me: Your Life Is Waiting" by Lynn Grabhorn - how to let go of the "don't wants" and attract the "Do wants".

I'll try it out!

take care

-K-