Today my husband called me and wanted to talk. He left 3 days ago, drunk after 6 months sobriety. As I said in my earlier post, he's left around 6 times in the last year. He told me he was sorry and didn't really know what to say to me, other than he was ashamed of himself. I told him I am hurt, angry and sad. I also told him I am done living in this sick cycle and he has to decide whether or not he wants to help himself because he is the only who can do it. I told him I can't keep going like this and neither can the kids. He asked me why I would even want a man like him in my life and I said I don't. I said I want the man who I met and fell in love with in my life, and right now that's not who he is. I told him I would talk to him when he wanted to, but that I am not going to call him or even ask where he is. I also told him he cannot come home again, just to do this again in a week, a month or whatever. I told him I had enrolled our daughter in daycare and I was going to take the steps needed to take care of myself and the kids. We talked for about a half hour and he said he needed to go and wanted to think about the stuff I'd said and wanted to call me again later today. I said that was fine, and haven't heard from him since. I'm sure he's drunk again, but it doesn't hurt as bad knowing that I've said what needed to be said. It's up to him to figure out that I'm here for him, but not willing to live like this any longer. It makes me sad to know that sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. It also brought a little peace to say those things to him today, because I believe a little more now that I will stick with it this time and let whatever is supposed to happen, happen.

Rainy,

Good on you for being firm. The tough love approach has been proven to be the best (only) way to deal with situations like these that involve destructive addictions. The sad thing is, even if he recovers, and stays sober eventually, it might be best even for him, if he no longer has a future with you. Time will tell though. In the meantime, stay strong & resolute to follow through with your words, and boundaries you have set with him.

It may also be a good idea to seek professional help for yourself to help you deal with this. This will also help you determine if in time, whether or not you are prepared to try again by virtue of any progress made by him, guided by people with more experience in these matters.

I know it must be painful for you to see him in this state.

You did the right thing.
muzohead

I too suggest counseling, either with an IC, or through Al-anon. Also, I've learned through reading books on Co-dependency by Melodie Beattie, which explained so much about my M and my H's FOO. I enabled my H's poor parenting.
You have been very strong, but you need support.
Good Luck.

Newly and Muzohead,
thank you both. I am seeing a counselor who is also licensed to counsel addicts. I am a member of an online Alanon group for months, haven't actually gone to a 'live' meeting for lack of time, but hope to fit that in soon.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The sad thing is, even if he recovers, and stays sober eventually, it might be best even for him, if he no longer has a future with you
This is very sad for me to think about, but something I learned when he was in treatment. His counselor told me then that they strongly reccomend that addicts don't enter into a relationship for at least one year after recovery and those that are already in a relationship rarely make it. I hate to think about it, but obviously deep down I'm already thinking it.
Thanks for your words, it helps to be hear what others think and read your advice...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> those that are already in a relationship rarely make it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've never read this before, that could explain alot about my situation. While I never knew my H drank, he made a huge point about when he "stopped drinking". I've since learned that I experienced the "dry drunk" ,who has the same traits as a drunk, but is no longer drinking. This may be why they say it can't work.

Your statement gives me some peace. Thanks.

Newly, it doesn't mean it can't happen, I think his counselor wanted me to really understand what I was up against. At the time, I think I was just wrapped up in his recovery and didn't think we would have any more problems. These last couple of months watching his 'dry drunk' behavior, I knew he would use again, and when he did it was bad. He actually called me this morning again, and again I told him he cannot come home. I used the statements I learned in the spouse counselling sessions while he was in treatment, such as "I am not responsible for who you are" and "You are accountable for all of your actions, despite your addiction." He didn't have a lot to say at that point....he isn't ready to be honest with himself. He also asked if he could see our daughter this weekend and I told him no, not while he is using. I did tell him he could talk to her on the phone IF she wanted to talk to him, but that's it. I hope my strength continues, because it's sure damn hard! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You sound strong and healthy to me. You must have started from a very strong base with a good deal of self-confidence.
Your replies to him are great. In my case, H projected his anger/problems onto me - which I didn't understand.

Sounding strong and feeling strong are two different things though. I know I'm sounding strong and talking strong to him right now, but I don't 'feel' strong, so am hoping the feeling will come soon. As for self confidence, maybe you are correct, but I can't help but think that anyone that let's themselves be treated this way over and over can't have much esteem at all. It's amazing how ones mind becomes so confused and foggy with all of the emotions that we go through. Just taking it one hour at a time, had a good cry this afternoon and felt sorry for myself for a while, found out my propane tank went dry and had no idea where to find the pilot light once the tank got filled again. Called my mom and told her he was a big fat jerk for leaving me here to fend for everything!