Know I shouldn't feel this way...son came home from exH's with the news that he and OW are now engaged. Whew!!!!

Thought I was further along than this....been in a downward spiral all day. Doesn't help that I was sick with the flu all weekend.

Have to run to a faculty meeting. Please pray for strength for me--feel pretty depleted right now. Thanks Pat

Ughhhhh!!!!

Pat,

I've been there, it's like a mini-Dday in of itself, huh? I also know that AZ Allison has experienced similar not too long ago as well.

It will take you back a few steps and memories and visions will barrage you, just know that it's normal to feel a bit down, maybe even alot down. But I guarantee you'll be back up to your previous recovery and healing in no time, Hon. I was.

I think it's so interesting how there are trends with the generations of MBer's here.

For example, I remember last year at this time there were so many veteran posters on D/D that came back to report that their WS and OP had crashed and burned, and the BS no longer cared, they even felt sorry for their ex's.

So here we are now, the next generation of MB, with our ex-spouses following the trend and announcing engagements. Certainly does hurt, and catches you off guard. Just know they not only have the affair (lies, deceit and thoughlessness) to deal with, they also will not trust one another. The OW in your case has her work cut out for her. She has no clue what she's in for.

Your ex is a serial cheater, Pat. I'm sorry for saying it, but from all accounts he is. And if OW marries him, she's simply leaving a new position open for the next mistress or ONS.

Remember that saying "if he does it with you, he'll do it to you".

Much strength to you, Pat. You are free of him now, and do not have to take his abuse any longer. You are blessed, you just don't see it yet.

Love to you,
Jo

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Dear Jo,

Thank you so much, I needed that encouragement. It really has been hard today. He told 3 of my 4 kids yesterday...and then was surprised and angry that they weren't congratulating him. Yuck!!! His head is still somewhere else.

I know rationally that this is going to be good for us in the long run---but boy, it is just such a devastating end to what could have been a wonderful life.

He is a serial cheater, lier, alcoholic and emotional abuser. If I hadn't heard his phone call conversation to her a few weeks ago (he accidently called me on his cell when having an intimate conversation with her)--I would probably feel worse than I already do. He is already treating her disrespectfully--and he was drunk at the time too.

The sad part is--if you just see him--he looks like a normal, great looking guy.....the whole situation is sad.....I feel sorry for my kids the most....this whole mess has really affected all of us terribly. I sure hope there is a hell. Pat

Misery, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. It has to be so hard, just when you start to feel "normal" again, WHAM!!

And I know too, that I will be hearing this same news within the next year, the OW in my case is just waiting for our D to be finalized or very close, and she'll start her D and then...the bliss they have both so longed for....I want to gag. Yes, there is a hell, of that I am sure. Not the same hell we've gone through, but one suited just to them.

And as much as I still love the man my stbxh WAS, and as much regret I hold that we will not have the future I always envisioned, it comforts me to know that he will have his hell, in God's good time. Hope that doesn't sound to nasty...

Hugs to you...thinking of you...your exH will never know what he gave up.

I am sorry to hear that poo. But ditto to what our friends here are saying. And I also want to add, that the OW/engaged tramp is going to be in for double the trouble b/c she is inheriting more baggage. emphasizing : MORE BAGGAGE.

And my stbx, Darth is in hometown (mine not his) and is probably staying with Ms. MOnkeyho. Can guarantee they've hooked up though. And thus he is cheating on OW2 with OW1. Serial cheaters are what they are until they are brought down onto their knees. That happens one day and at God's discretion. We may or may not be around. I am moving on but am doing so cautiously. I too loved the man I was once married to. Not this thing. This alien being. They are truly scrambled brains as the old WS analogy goes. Gotta go.

Cheer up. When you feel like it, you will realize you just lost half of your baggage and will one day meet a wonderful guy when you choose to and seejust how incredibly light a carry on bag is compared to a giant overstuffed rolling bag. Lol~! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PAT ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

♥ ♥ ♥

D

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Pat - I am very sorry to hear that this news has thrown you in a downward spiral - I know I would be very upset also - but I am thinking that each time it must be getting a little easier to get over right??? You have four beautiful with him and he has lost his mind so basically you can go on and be happy someday without him - but I am thinking in the long run that he isn't gonna be happy even if he gets married to the OW - You know what happens when people get married and get into a regular boring routine... And like you said he is an alcholic etc.... So you will be better off without him in the long run... He isn't the man you loved - that person is lost ---I know you will get over this and you will be fine in a day or two Right??? That is what I am hoping for as time goes by - the bounce back time will get quicker.... You deserve to be loved.... So let them have each other ---- They will never trust each other ..... Right??? Stay Strong - and Try to think of positive things about your new life... And grieve for the old life.... But smile... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(((((((((MNM))))))))))

Once again our X's parallel each other. X told us he was engaged last weekend. I know how you feel hon, just hang in there and wait for the news to settle, and you will find that you are over things more than you thought.

Love and light,

Jacky

Pat,

Well, what can I say that the others haven't already said? Ugggghhhhh!

I too am sorry that you are once again hurt by the actions of your Ex. It almost can't be helped because we were the sweet, loving, sensitive, emotional ones in the marriage - and still are.

I too think that you will handle it better than you thought. Remember that it's not a reflection of you. It's a failing on their part. Possibly they just aren't capable of having the emotionally mature life that we are, and will therefore never be able to come close to experiencing the love and joy and peace that we will have.

My therapist says to make a list of every horrible thing that the Ex did to you and then pull out that list everytime you start to think about the good times and begin to think that Ex wasn't half bad after all.

And while we wouldn't have married them if they were really awful, perhaps we just couldn't see the personalitu flaws at the time, or maybe we thought that they would change, or maybe we were too distracted with life to notice them, but whatever the reason, our Exs are not presently people with whom we should be married and to feel sorry for them is ok, as long as you don't think that they have the power in them to change their behavior, because in many instances, they are limited in some way, and honestly can't be the people we think they should be.

You have such a great family and such a good head on your shoulders.

The one who should be feeling bad is the financee.

May God Be With You, K

Thank you all,

Am sneaking a few minutes at work...my computer is still down at home.

I really appreciate all your replies...and they helped me so much to view this in a better light.
You know...I think I will be alright. I am still very sad...but making it through

I can't believe how many of us are going through this---if nothing else, this experience has made me aware of and more sympathetic to people experiencing this horror in their lives.

I appreciate your friendship and words of wisdom--they gave me much to think about.

I wish I could address each of you individually, but I want you to know that I value your friendship and concern. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Take care....Pat

Pat--

I haven't posted in a while.....hope you remember me. My XH got married on Valentine's Day.....is that dorkey or what???? :-) He informed me about it just before Christmas (what a nice present!). The boys were invited to the wedding but did not go. The wedding was out of state......neither one wanted to miss school and my youngest didn't want to miss his varsity soccer game(he is a freshman and he made varsity!!) You would have thought that they would have had the wedding during spring break so his children could be there.....but you know....they are both so stupid with these kind of things. I do thank goodness that XH is kind to me and we get along very well because of the kids.

This is just one more bump in the road for you. YOu will get through it! It is sad but remember how strong you have become because of this mess.

Take care of yourself!

Max

FSA,

haven't seen you for a while, kind of miss the ole gang that we had here!!!

my xH has been married since Dec 9th, told the kids 2 days before he came to visit (so they would be over it by the time he got here) did not bring her, came again for OD heart surgery, didn't bring her, didn't call her when surgery was over either.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm my thought is that he is embarassed by one or the other, kids or new wife? Mmmmmmmmmmmmm my thought new wife, my kids are awesome!!!!

X's are so strange!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Dawn!

It is amazing how far we all have come! How did you feel about the wedding? I knew that the day would come....it just kind of made me feel sad. Not that I wanted him back.......because I am way past that feeling. I just felt sad because all of this should have never happened. Do you ever wonder if this new person is really the right person for XH??? Like....this person is really his soulmate????? Sometimes....I doubt myself.

Have you been on many dates??? I haven't been out at all. I am ready to go and test the waters....I just don't know where to meet someone!

Max

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{PAT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Just keep ypur chin up and remeber to pray and this will pass quickly. Im waiting to hear that news too. H is so darn anxious to get D over with...OW's is already final

Lots of Luv
Dawn

After reading this, I too am wondering when Darth will announce his engagement or whatever to whomever...After all, he is on his second "soulmate" since separation.

But I think after deep reflection here that this may more be the case of all WS's whether male or female:

IN ORDER TO FIND A SOULMATE, YOU FIRST HAVE TO FIND YOUR SOUL.

They are really lost. They don't know who they are. Are they a hormonal teenager? A parent? A husband or wife? Does their job come first? Do they know God? I think they are really confused and maybe some even a little wacked. But the good thing about MB is that WE WORK ON OURSELVES, OUR FLAWS THAT HELPED MAKE OUR MARRIAGES NOT WHAWT THEY COULD HAVE BEEN ALBEIT SMALL OR LARGE PROBLEM. And by addressing and working on our situations as well as ourselves in plan A and B, we are better and stronger.

After a thourough plan A and following MB principles, it would be hard to NOT GET TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND MATTERS OF OUR OWN SOULS. Therefore, we can hopefully find the soulmates in the future.

Only confusion I see for us is this kind: parenting issues with regard to xH/xW and OP, finances, the complexity of starting over, changing identities from married to single, and finding contentment in the strange newness of our lives as soon to be or newly single/divorced.

That's complex enough. But not that undaunting. We did it after high school and/or college. Just was probably for those of us with kids, we didn't have them then and let's fact it...It is easier being single with no kids than doing the juggling act daily as I do...Work, supermom to incredible and wonderful son, and homemaker too.

I think that we've pretty got the matters of the soul cleared up. We know that we have walked through fire for our families. Our marriages. We know what we're made of and that is some pretty tough stuff, let me say. So when the time comes whenever it may be, we will love harder, smarter, and much more. And also more confidently because we've learned.

Imagine the confusion if you helped destroy your marriage and family through infidelity and NEVER LEARNED OR UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU HAD DONE ANYTHING WRONG. You would keep on going and going and making the same mistakes all over again, except probably many more mistakes. And the stats on those unions, marriages out of adultery do not really do well. Nope. It is another quick fix to an internal problem whether personality or mental. The old philosophy "if it feels good, the

After reading this, I too am wondering when Darth will announce his engagement or whatever to whomever...After all, he is on his second "soulmate" since separation.

But I think after deep reflection here that this may more be the case of all WS's whether male or female:

IN ORDER TO FIND A SOULMATE, YOU FIRST HAVE TO FIND YOUR SOUL.

They are really lost. They don't know who they are. Are they a hormonal teenager? A parent? A husband or wife? Does their job come first? Do they know God? I think they are really confused and maybe some even a little wacked. But the good thing about MB is that WE WORK ON OURSELVES, OUR FLAWS THAT HELPED MAKE OUR MARRIAGES NOT WHAWT THEY COULD HAVE BEEN ALBEIT SMALL OR LARGE PROBLEM. And by addressing and working on our situations as well as ourselves in plan A and B, we are better and stronger.

After a thourough plan A and following MB principles, it would be hard to NOT GET TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND MATTERS OF OUR OWN SOULS. Therefore, we can hopefully find the soulmates in the future.

Only confusion I see for us is this kind: parenting issues with regard to xH/xW and OP, finances, the complexity of starting over, changing identities from married to single, and finding contentment in the strange newness of our lives as soon to be or newly single/divorced.

That's complex enough. But not that undaunting. We did it after high school and/or college. Just was probably for those of us with kids, we didn't have them then and let's fact it...It is easier being single with no kids than doing the juggling act daily as I do...Work, supermom to incredible and wonderful son, and homemaker too.

I think that we've pretty got the matters of the soul cleared up. We know that we have walked through fire for our families. Our marriages. We know what we're made of and that is some pretty tough stuff, let me say. So when the time comes whenever it may be, we will love harder, smarter, and much more. And also more confidently because we've learned.

Imagine the confusion if you helped destroy your marriage and family through infidelity and NEVER LEARNED OR UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU HAD DONE ANYTHING WRONG. You would keep on going and going and making the same mistakes all over again, except probably many more mistakes. And the stats on those unions, marriages out of adultery do not really do well. Nope. It is another quick fix to an internal problem whether personality or mental. The old philosophy "if it feels good, then do it" is not that smart. We have learned that marriage is not something based on hormones and stimulus. It is based on a code of honor and respect and value. To diminish marriage and family by running off and shacking up with someone else because they "make us FEEL good or make us FEEL happier" is not valid. That is hormonal and only temporary. What happens when they make them FEEL bad one day or what happens when they make them FEEL unhappy. I can tell you based on stats. They run away and find that quick fix, that band aid to cover their real injuries that another PERSON CANNOT FIX. THAT HAS TO COME FROM INSIDE THEMSELVES OR FROM FAITH.

This is my two cents.

Last night I really stayed out late and had a blast with my girlfriends. You will be proud of me. Got asked to dinner by a really cute guy. Very cute. I told him that I wouldn't be available next week for dinner b/c I have son and I really missed him. Asked if he was busy in about two weeks (when I should be signing the papers) and he waffled and said he had to go out of town. Turns out, the guy was ENGAGED AND GETTING MARRIED IN THREE WEEKS. His friend is a friend of some of my girlfriends. He told his buddy in the mens' room that if he didn't go out do dinner with me it might be the "BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE AND HE MIGHT NOT KNOW IF HE IS DOING THE RIGHT THING UNLESS HE TAKES ME OUT TO DINNER".

Any guesses as to what I did when I found out? First, I wear my old engagement ring on right ring finger so nobody thinks I am still married, but as a mom is shows that I was married at one time. No wedding band worn with it though. Just a wide band. The guy comes back and asks if I can rearrange MY SCHEDULE for dinner. Not knowing that I found out his secret. I asked him to sit by me. I said this: Look x, I don't really show this off anymore nor do I tell my personal story to strangers but think you should know this. See this gorgeous ring? At one time, it meant so much to me. It was the symbol of my family, my husband's love for me. Now it is a circle of platinum with a really old bunch of carbon chunks encircling the big chunk in the center. You see, I am single now because my husband thought another woman mattered more than his family. More than me or his son. As you can probably guess, I am not rearrangeing my schedule. Dinner just isn't going to happen. But I do hope that before your marriage happens, that you take tonight and seriously think. If there is the chance you will be unfaithful and are not WILLING TO COMMIT YOUR HEART AND COMPLETE SOUL TO THE SACRAMENT OF MARRIAGE, then do not do it. I am not saying this for me, or for any personal reason. I just do not want any child to have to endure the pain my little boy has growing up in a broken home. If you need to talk to your fiance, do it now. If you need counseling do it now. If you want advice, learn MB principles and I referred him here. If you want to be happy, look inside and fix your soul, don't look for dinner or anything else.

Hopefully I helped somewhat. I told him I'd pray about his situation. Wished him the best and was not mean dispite his lack of honesty to me. I am not going to allow another Darth to be created. If I can help someone not go through this or work through a tough spot on their way to happiness then so be it. I must admit, the whole thing made me a bit skiddish and even more frightened to be really single in a short bit, but I am glad I can be a lady always and that at least now I can see through alot of the bs out there.

I never knew how people really do not like cheating whether it is in marriage or in dating or engagements. It is a lack of honesty and character. And to me it shows that someone needs to look inside, fix their soul and DON'T COMPLICATE THEIR LIVES UNTIL THEY FIX THEMSELVES FIRST. Another person won't make you happy. You make yourself happy. And until you find out what makes your soul fly, leap, and love boundless you are a prisoner looking for a way to escape the prison you've only created for yourself. The prisoners, the WS's have the key to their happiness all along. They just look instead outside of their cell and think that they need someone else to rescue them instead of rescuing themselves first.

It is horrible that we have to endure this, kids have to endure divorce just because our partners haven't found this simple fact to be the truth.

Dear Pat,
I am so sorry you are feeling that way. It really stinks, doesn't it, that we've already suffered, and now we're going to do it again. Well, my d-day was Feb. 15, 2002. I filed for divorce Oct. 2002, and WH remarried (illegally) Dec. 2002. My divorce was final March 13, 2003 (just last week), and that opened everything fresh again for me. I am just praying for healing for myself and my 3 kids.
It has got to get better, and we will survive this. I really wish these OW could experience the pain we've gone through for ONE day. They have no idea, and neither do the WH's in the fog. It is pitiful, and in a way I feel sorry for them.
Anyway, hope you get over this little bump soon. You sound strong, and I know you will be fine.
Take care.
KK

kk

It's good to hear from you! The verse on your sig line really spoke to me - not long after dday, I was in church & one of the Deacon's ( a friend and fellow prayer group member) asked me how I was. I couldn't say anything, just burst into tears. He asked if I wanted to go pray & I agreed. Afterward, he gave me that scripture as what the Lord was saying thru him to me! Not long after that, the same scripture came to me thru an email from Rejoice Ministries.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keeping the faith!
Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blessings,

D.

Dear D.(Will Get Through This),
It is a beautiful scripture. I found a new one that I love from Psalms 30: 5 "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." I am learning to lean on God, and on his Word. He can use our situations to bring us closer to Him. How are things going with you?
KK

Once again...thank you for all your replies. I am sneaking a few minutes at work...have a class coming in in a moment....

This has been an adjustment for me. My exH and his OW flew home to Maine this weekend to tell his parents. I found that out because his mother wrote to my 2 little guys and told them.

What I suspected at the very beginning of this mess is slowly but surely occuring. My ex wants life to go on--just without me....and his family is supporting him.

Jim's mother has been emailing my older daughters weekly, and now she is writing my little ones. His mother and dad have their 50th wedding anniversary coming up in June--they want all 4 of my kids to be there--along with ex and his mistress. I haven't heard a word about it--but she has definitely been putting the pressure on the kids. This is so hard--because this was my family for 25 years. It is bewildering how rejected I feel.

My son also told me this weekend that dad wants both his sister and him to be in their wedding...somehow this just never ends. I wish the pain would just quit.

I have been reading those same bible verses. It is hard to put away the past--when you were so much a part of it. How come the BS has to take all of the pain and hurt and just move on...

Life is not very fair, is it? Pat