Welcome to the Divorce Forum..... I have been over at Emotional Needs for what seems years... several have suggested that I move to D/D so in part here I am. Looking for some answers.

I just received Interrogatories and Production of Documents....

The IRs I can handle except for the questions as to causes or demise of the marriage, supporting documentation of such, and the question as to custody of the children and fitness.

These are all "go for the throat" questions. Some tell me to take the high side, some the low... If you know my history you know what I am dealing with...... I have filled out about 90% of the IRs and the last question is custody so I am working on it. Based on the questions I am kind of taking a GO FOR THE THROAT approach. I feel guilty about it but I dont know what else to do.

On the POD's I am looking through this list and feeling both stressed, wanting to laugh, wanting to give up, and at the same time angry....

I mean they are asking for crap from 16 years back that support financial considerations of separate vs marital properties, they are asking for current stuff that up until last year, my wife handled, thus it is nowhere to be found, and of course any documents, witnesses that substantiate the causes of divorce....

As I have said, I meander back and forth on the issue of is this worth it for my kids.... in many ways it puts them in the middle.... they see the interaction between the STBX and myself, they see her life and they see mine.... They chose to be with W but will not tell me why. Feeling is that they feel safer in not making her angry. I have told them it hurts me not to have time with them, but they asked me why cant it just stay like it is..... So either I am overacting or should just let go.....

I am stressed to a point of a breakdown.... I have contacted a PC/P for an appointment and advice. One I have spoken with before and tried to get the wife and kids to see her... It never happened....

I have also contacted a psychiatrist.... before I do break.....

Insights, advice, and support are requested as to how I cope and how I get through this.... Any suggestions as to which direction to take I understand are opinion only but right now I need to look at all this through a variety of different eyes, thoughts, and feelings.

Thanks.....

Hi George, welcome to D/D.
You did the best you could on EN, now it's time to protect yourself.
The interrogatories are fairly easy to complete, and answer them honestly.
Don't worry too much about the POD, most lawyers rarely look at it until the end, when they need a particular document. It's just that in this "discovery" stage, they get the chance to ask for anything.
My state, NJ, also requires a CIS (client information statement) which is a financial document, and goes into pre-marital and marital assets.
My H basically copied my answers on the CIS, and on then POD he wrote by many items "in Plaintiff's possession" whether is was or not.
This is a time consuming mode. I spent two months filling out all those forms, and that was over a year ago.
My lawyer had me write a narrative of the marriage, from beginning to end, from which she excerpted items for the divorce filing. Ask your lawyer if this would be helpful to you too.
I know you were very involved with your girls. I hope you are still, because that will play a great part in the custody piece. Make sure you get time with them, even if they are at mom's most of the time. You need to assert your parental rights now, or it may look like abandonment.

If you need advice off these boards, you can write me at mcelros@yahoo.com
Everyone's situation is different, yet the same in so many ways.
Good Luck. Now, I wonder when Debdesign is going to join us over here?

Newly, somehow I knew you would be the first to reply!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> at one time I thought you were getting paid for recruiting over here (just kidding!)

I know, and as a friend said, I just need to sit back and take a deep breath and handle one thing at a time.... but having been away in Aus for 5 weeks has also taken its toll and then having this crash on me.....

As for the girls, very little contact.... emails to them everyday and only 3 replies... Called several times left messages and on one occasion got to talk to the 15yr old.... lasted like 5 minutes. I know it is not me, and that as everyone says to validate, that they are teenagers and have a life....

But playing the victim I see it as not fair..... it hurts...... it sucks big time!!!!!

It is a control game as I can see.... I feel I am strapped to a table and someone is taking a scapel and at little bits at a time peeling off little layers of skin..... the pain builds then subsides, only to be inflicted again.....

I am at a point where I can only take so much more.......

Hopefully between the PC/P and the Psych I will get some relief and direction... My mind is swamped with as to what to do, what direction to go, what is best for the girls, what is best for me.... just what is best.

The lack of sleep is tremendous..... probably a total of 40 hours being 5 weeks in Aus..... I am physically and mentally drained.....

Thanks.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am physically and mentally drained </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well then, you can only get stronger.
As I've suggested before, try to find a divorce support group in your area, the advice and support are amazing.
Also, try to see your girls as much as possible, you really need to reestablish your parenting.

The PODs really don't matter at all, collect what you can, and forget about the rest. You can always come up with it later.
I made 6 photocopied sets of our marital taxes and gave H 2 sets (one for him and one for lawyer), yet on POD, he wrote "in W's possession".

Breathe. Relax, and it takes a while to get back in the groove. Maybe you need to set up a DC MB night out. I may be able to drive down for it.

Try not to take the POD stuff too seriously. If you don't have a requested document, just insert a note saying that it's not in your possession.

Remember the purpose of the POD: its primary function is harassment and the accumulation of billable hours to the lawyers involved. Its secondary function is to provide ammunition for accusations that you are trying to hide assets or income, or that your necessary expenses are other than what you claim. Its tertiary purpose is to help establish whether property should be considered marital or separate.

If you provide a reasonable amount of material, so that you can protect yourself from reasonable suspicion that you are trying to hide something, I doubt very much whether a judge is going to care how closely you adhere to the letter of the POD "request". After all, in my experience the courts don't care about the law, or about their own procedures, or even about their own prior rulings. Why should they care about minor details involving something that isn't even properly considered a court document?

The psychiatrist etc. is probably a good idea. Your flayed-slowly-while-strapped-to-a-table analogy is extremely apt, although you left out the part about what position you are strapped in. Perhaps you will discover that later...

Hi George, I am here as well, I feel like we are missing Jenni and Deb over here. I don't know if you remmember me, but I sure do remmember you. Don't worry about the paperwork, like the others said just attach what you have. Good luck my friend and it does get better with time.

George, email me the specific requests you're having trouble with. Or let me know if you want to talk on the phone cuz it's quicker. Like I don't deal with this type of documentation every day.

(Jan can answer your Q's too.)

Did your atty just send you copies of the docs and say have at it? A phone call to him saying HELP! will do the trick too.

George,

I am so sorry for this. I am sorry it is still such a mess and that M is manipulating your children. Are they still coming for the time they are ment to be with you? I do hope so! If not enforce it.

As for discovery the lawyers will always ask for everything and the kitchen sink. Been through a few discoveries. Everything they ask for run past your lawyer; because a lot of times they will ask for stuff they that should not. Remember you do not have to give everything. If you feel it is not relevant again run it past your lawyer. Durring discovery you should always have your lawyer present.

George I try not to advocate letting anger rule but really you need to fight fire with fire or you will loose your girls and a lot more. Are you still paying for more than the child support/allamony? Stop it!!!! Sit down and list everything M has taken and how she has broken into the house.

I know you are stressed. Can you take a break and get away for a bit. Honestly let your lawyer work for you. Instead of having everything come to you have a lot of it start to go to your lawyer. Know your limit and allow your lawyer to take up the slack.

For me the best thing I did was to limit contact with my ex's lawyer. His strategy was to wear me down and force me to do something stupid or even better end the complaints against my ex. It is a tactic. Once you know the game it is easier to handle it. I hate what your STBX is doing to you and the girls. It sucks. Just know you have friends.

Hey George,

Just swimming by to say Hi!

I don't have any advice. I wish you all the luck in the world in getting full custody of your children some day.

Take care,

ANNA

Hi George,

Welcome to the DV board. I'n not at that stage, so have nothing to add, just welcome.

D

Yes it is stressful... I did go to a PC/P yesterday to get some pointers or some understanding.... wanting to know if I am over reacting to things as a parent as a person. (i.e. Mary going on vacation to FLA while I was in Aus and leaving the girls for 10 days with friends)... Something I felt should not have been done....

So anyhow got some insightful information....

Also discussed the fact that I find myself withdrawing from contacting the girls because most of the time I get Mary on the phone and she makes me feel like crap..... Retorical remarks, putdowns, etc..... so to not face it, I limit my calls, and maintain mostly email contact....

I reaasure the girls in emails that I am there and that I love them, but it is not the same...

Anyhow......

she gave me some good advice on how to overcome this, but it will take practice...

Thanks for all the input.... I have all but one question left to answer on the Interrogatories, and am putting what information I have for the documents.... plus a list of witnesses.... to include my daughters.... as they can attest to mary's time away....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(i.e. Mary going on vacation to FLA while I was in Aus and leaving the girls for 10 days with friends)... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you have this documented. Your lawyer may ask for a statement from these friends.

I recommend the following books:
"Mom's House/Dad's House
Hope to help your children cope with Divorce the sand castles way.
Speaking of Divorce
The Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook

And, find a divorce support group in your area. Please, it's important for you and the girls. You will find a wealth of information from people in your situation.
God bless you and your family.

Thanks Newly, PC/P recommended on of those books plus two others.....

Yes, I have it documented for her Vacation.... Lawyer does not see it as a big deal... PC/P did not really say if I was overacting, or what was the norm.... lots of things she wont answer until she hears both sides, and from the girls... this I can understand....

Right now I just want it all to be over so I can move on.... I think that will help tremendously..

Don't expect it to be over quickly. I filed a year ago, and nothing's moved.

I think you really need to establish your parental rights. Make sure the girls sleep over your house, and go to dinner with you.
(It's one thing that my H did right - although he ignored the girls when we were married).
I'm sure your head is swimming with things, you have so much to do and so little energy.
Remember you are a good person, and a good father.

I am so appalled that leaving the girls means nothing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so appalled that leaving the girls means nothing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well you have to assume that the friends are stable, etc. So I do try to look at both sides. I mean to the girls it could be an adventure!! I mean they are 15 and 13.... Since I am not an expert who knows.....

I know I would not have done it.... I would only consider leaving them with family at the worst...

But then again that is me....

Hey George!

No advice, but just wishing you the best. I haven't been looking here much lately, but I'm glad I saw your post. You're in my prayers and thoughts. Stay tough and just know that there are a lot of people behind you in spirit.

-NK

nk:

Good to hear from you again! You're in the houston area, right?

If so, check out the thread about a lunch get-together on Wednesday.

Sorry for the thread hijack!

-Qfwfq

Hi there. My Divorce is final now, but I feel about the same. Oh well, Sorry to hear about your mess. I havent been reading here for a while, but hang in there. SO, the girls are with wife?? Can you not get joint custody?? Where's the dog?

Log onto www.divorcecare.org and put in your zip code to find a church that provides this program. Someone else suggested you find a support group & I think this program would be great for you. A series of 12-13 videos, 1 each week with a workbook to read from until the next video. There are 2 sessions called "Kidcare" on living your life as before, being a good example to them etc. After the video, people break into a group or two to talk or listen or both, about the subject of the video or whats going on in that persons life. Ive only been to one so far, but I loved it!! Check it out.

As far as the girls not being with you, I think its good cop- bad cop syndrome. I think your wife may want to "win them over" & maybe could be lenient & more of a buddy than a mom? Where as you are the parent who provides the structure & has to be the one to say "NO" when they want something that might not be right at that moment. Then again, the biology factor comes in to play at their ages & they'd feel more comfortable talking to a woman. Cant custody be 50/50 or something? Hang in there.