I am not sure how I will feel about this. I do want to be free of this horrible situation. Like a arm that needs to be severed b/c of gangrene. Has to be done, the d. But I wish it could have been different. I wish he chose to be accountable or experience one TINY OUNCE OF REGRET. I doubt it. I will probably cry when I leave the lawyer's office.

Things are going my way legally now. He still owes me mucho dinero and is still in contempt. No date for the contempt trial but will probably get that announcement I guess on friday. The contempt thing will be slated for April. And if he chooses to be pig headed and stubborn and still the selfish and shallow man he's been for the last three years in that lawyer's office, we shall be in trial next month as my attorneys set the date already.

He has found out that I mean business now. I won't tolerate it anymore. I am almost free. I never wanted divorce and I fought like hell here and learned so very much and truly did all I could do. It hurts so very much. But I can do no more. I gave it to God long ago. He is worse. Living with another woman a few years younger than me. He won't admit but will come out in the mediation hearing. And how he has exposed his immoral lifestyle to our child so very often.

Friday evening I am going out with my girlfriends. We shall go out and about. I am hoping for resolution friday. Actually we are thinking positive and celebrating my almost win in this charade. Still I must stress, nobody and I mean NOBODY WINS IN DIVORCE; ONLY IN DEGREES.

My mom is a bit better. Discharge next week and then possibly to rehab. I am going home soon after the mediation. Keep praying for her recovery. It is WORKING! And please pray for us..It will be hard and we have endured so many other obstacles besides the divorce itself.

I took off from work for a mental clearing break. I greatly needed it. I am headed to blue ridge mountains with son to go hiking and to visit a real live gold mine. Am going to take pictures. Email me if you want to see them...he is sooooo cute.

We are getting outside and enjoying the simple blessings of springtime.

Peachy - you enjoy your day with your son - you definately deserve a mental health day... I would love to see pictures mimiw64@yahoo.com - And I wish you the best on Friday - I will be thinking and praying for you... You will come out of this ok and someday you will find true happiness that you and your son so deserve... I am also very glad to hear that your Mom is doing better.... Well Stay strong.. And keep us updated.... Mimi

We had alot of fun. Visited a gold mine and he had a blast panning for gold with me. He and I found real gold flakes and some nice gem stones. Little but it was sooo important to son.

Then we went to an area with a gorgeous waterfall. I met ironically, some other mothers there today with their children (2 boys almost sons' age.) and they showed me a way to hike down to the base of the waterfall. I had camera and made some adorable photos of son. I am sending them off tomorrow for developing. He had a blast. Then we drove into Dahlonega (reminds me of a cool, hip little mountain town in colorado) and walked hand in hand around the town square. I was fine until.....The phone, cell, rang. It showed no id and I thought it was mom from hospital. Wrong Was Darth. He started in again saying "why can't you just put this whole divorce behind you now?" And after he talked with son (I was nice and let him speak with so). Then he went so far as to say (didn't come out and say Ms. Family Values' Name) that he hasn't been happier in his life as now. And that he'd wish I would just move on and why cannot we be friends and he call up and say "Hi how's your day?" or something like that. He then goes on and on saying that "you know we have to have the mediation rescheduled because there is no way I can produce the documents (financial ones we've been asking for for over a year now) in time for that". And then he says "when you choose to deal with me it will be easier than dealing through the lawyers". He just wants it his way. HIS WAY. And I said that "you've never gotten an idea about what you have done have you...One day you are going to wake up and see how you broke up your family and I am sorry. I wish we could be friends, but you have been anything but a friend to me Darth. Then he goes on and says how "I haven't moved on" and he "can't wait until I get a boyfriend and get off his back". I said that I wasn't ready unlike him, to move into a serious relationship and won't be ready for something serious and like hell will never move some guy into my home under my son's nose like that. And then I said that I have already grown and will be dating very very soon. Just that I don't like adultery and am not gonna do it.

Then he said the worst. "As far as family goes, I still have mine. I have my parents, my sister and my relatives and my son". Apparently I never was apart of the family to him. What was I anyway? Does a wife count or was I just someone that was used to gestate or give birth? What was I for almost a decade? I said "family is a marriage..It is your family when you as the Bible says, leave your mom and dad and begin a new family". HE said for me to quit prejudging him and seeing him as the AntiChrist or something. I said that I don't hate him. I just dislilke his choices, which aren't moral ones or right ones. He said that "some people aren't meant to be married ever". And that "we should have never married". Now I understand that is pure fog talk in its ultimate form. And I am not going to give in now that the d is almost done to his will and ever VALIDATE HIS CHOICES OR HIS DECISION TO COMMIT ADULTERY AND ABANDON HIS FAMILY AND MARRIAGE. And I am sorry, but his belief that he is "A BETTER FATHER NOW SPENDING "QUALITY TIME" WITH HIS SON (quality time as he puts it is part time parenting with every other weekend)".

Ended the call. There was a homemade fudge shop that son wanted to go into before it closed. They still let us in and as son was sampling the fudge, I walked into another corner and teared up. Guess all of this hurt and pain over the last three years has built up and reached a head now. The girl working there heard the end of my cell call and said this "just did that too. This happens far too much these days". Then we ate dinner and I barely touched it. A little Italian Cafe and very reasonable in price. The waiter was very nice. He saw my teary eyes. Then Darth called again. Said he was picking up son at my house tomorrow morning because he had "something special for son and he to do" (his conscience must be hurting suddenly). And I let him have it. Sure I LB'd. Told him how I was never going to understand how he could have done this and that I hope one day when he sees me with someone else and that being soon, he will hurt and know what loss feels like..The waiter walked up and gave me a rose. I said, "thank you so much. I haven't had a rose in so long". Darth heard it. Ha. Waiter for no apparent reason brings his stbx wife a rose. He'd better get used to it. And then the guy says this: "If the jerk did what I thought he did let me tell you this. My father (the guy is my age now ok)walked out on my mom for another woman when I was seven. I remember him saying how he was going to "spend even more time with me after the divorce than before when living at home with us". It never happened. Sure, he tried for the first year or two. But by that time, he'd moved in with the mistress and her kid. It almost killed my mom. And I had to be strong for her. He had more kids with mistress and married her. I no longer speak to him, my biological dad. My mom almost lost everything she had financially and was working non stop. I just remember her crying all the time. And she was so pretty and still is. And when I was ten, she remarried a really nice guy. SHE REMARRIED MY DAD. The man who raised me isn't my biological father, BUT HE IS MY DAD. You needed this rose because you are so pretty and I can see a good mom. The jerk is a jerk. He doesn't deserve either of you. And he will see it one day because KIDS DO NOT FORGET.

I teared up again after that. Then as we left, he passed me a note. Said "God loves you both and when it's final, come back up her and if you want to talk over our best bottle of wine with me (I am paying of course) then anytime." I smiled and walked out.

I am hitting a wierd place now. I am angry. Very mad at Darth. He NEVER WENT TO COUNSELING ONCE. Never tried. Today he said on cell "I never did want to work it out because there was nothing to work on". So why then did I move here and why did I then believe him and all the rest of the crap. Son fell asleep on drive home and I just thought about all that has passed. So much. Like a movie replaying. The times he hit me when I'd fine a trapping of infidelity in a gym or overnight bag. The times he lied so horribly. The trip where he took son along with mistress and stayed in same hotel we stayed at on our honeymoon. The day I gave birth. How I was in hospital nine days and almost died. How in the bahamas at a fancy restaurant, my favorite, how he said "I am with you forever. That is it". The day on sept. 11 when I filed for divorce. How I cried for three days. How I tried and found MB and the principles worked...for a while until he decided that it was, "just something to be worked through". When son and I had to live in an extended stay hotel for almost a month while we had to get our life together again. When the child support and alimony payments stopped. When he allowed the hummer (in my name and his co's name) to be repossessed to get his way legally, when he took my son this summer and said "you'll never get your son back again for six months and I will hire a full time nanny to take care of him". When we got married. When we walked into our first home. How he asked me to marry him in front of both of our families. When my father died and he never even asked if I was hurting.

So much went through my head and tears have been flowing again. Closure I guess.

And so some of the WS' just walk further and further into the fog of no return. It is so horribly sad how he has changed. OR maybe he was always this way and pretending to be the man I married.

He is really serious with Ms. Family Values. And it is worse with her. At least Ms. MOnkeyho was long distance and it didnt have to be in son's face all the time.

He asked me, (Darth) if "I am going to even look at him during mediation". I said no. I do not want to look upon him anymore.

What makes someone decided that ANYTHING OR ANYONE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIR FAMILY? That is easy for me now. Darth never thought I was part of the family. And I am not and never was to him. Fog. I was the glue. I held it together. All he can say was "I didn't keep house well enough (I was terribly grieving about my dad and over almost losing my son (very small preemie)or I wasn't his friend or whatever other excuse du jour."

Guess everyone goes through this when they get ready to sign on the dotted line. All next for me is to go to the parenting class. Then judge signs it within a few weeks. Will be done in maybe three weeks and final. But for me signing the papers on friday will be the real end. I will look him once, dead in the eyes as I sign the agreement. I will hope that he will never forget me doing this.

So why have I been crying? Is the abuse, the betrayal, the lies ever going to go away once and for all? I know I am upset again because my mom had the stroke and I did lost my dad three years ago. But I have had too much loss. Is my heart ever going to be healed? I have prayed for it so long. I want it. Some days I think it is. Then here it comes again. Something triggers it. I know I can't even talk once to Darth. I need to not even speak to him once every few weeks. And it is hard when you have a child to do that. Either it is nothing at all or I file a restraining order.

I fought like hell and did good. Used these principles but he has free will and it was his choice to abuse, lie, cheat and the rest. This has been so painful. I told Darth for what I guess is maybe one of my last real conversations with him that "when I went to divorce recovery workshop, there were two kinds of people there--the betrayed spouses who grieved and the betrayed spouses who were glad." "There were no wayward spouses in the group of over a hundred or so". I said that he and Ijust have different values. And that I am moving ahead. And if one day he changed he could look me up and let me know but I am moving on and it is without him indefinitely". If he never contacts me and that day never comes, then too bad for you Darth. I want out and out now and you're going to do the right thing for son and I financially Darth. I want to be free from you. This is killing me Darth, being married to you and your living with someone else (he denies again--more fog). I want no more part of this charade and no more part of you the way you are. I worked on me and I am better now. Your wishes were granted. I work like a dog. Keep house. Am a full time mom. And I do it all and alone. You are just not there to see who I am now and personally, you don't deserve to with how you're living now. I am not judging you. You once told me Darth, how you'd never even if we did divorce early in our separation, allow our son to see us casually have people of the opposite sex spend the night or behave that way in front of our kids or allow our kids immediately around the children of potential dates. You've even lied about that. And I either bend financially now to your will or it's the highway and you threw son and I out again onto the highway. But I like the highway. It is ok. Better than validating your choices and saying it is all ok now. It will never be ok. I will never change my values just to make you feel better. I will move on and am glad to hopefully within the month get that first date I've waited for. But I will BE A FREE WOMAN NOW. And my values aren't changing. The only value I may question Darth is the celibacy issue but that's because it's way overdue for me now.

I said what I had to say. My peace is now done. I will only look upon him when I sign the paper. And I will probably break down and cry. I did not want to do this but I had to. God doesn't want this. I am not going to pretend it is ok and part of God's will as Darth said it was--today he said "who knows why this was supposed to happen" as if our divorce was part of what God really wanted for us. Bull poo. You can only say that when someone dies. Not when someone walked out on their family and marriage.

I can't stop crying. And I will have son ready at the front door promptly on time tomorrow morning so I do not have to see Darth. And son doesn't want to go with his dad. I just tell him that he will have fun. But son doesn't want to go.

Need advice and alot of prayer for son and I. Why do I feel like that knife once again plunged into my gut? That knife I felt when I was hit or betrayed again?

I just want to never cry again over this man. Or over what could have been if he didn't change. Or what was once. It is so tarnished. My marriage was so dirtied and soiled. I will end this like a lady and will be able to say at least that I did all I could do and was a good and faithful wife. God knows my heart. HE knows me. He knows this is wrong. But I have to do it.

Pray really hard ok? I didn't think I could hurt any more.

notpeachy-

Hang in there, you're doing just fine. All these triggers get easier to deal with over time as you'll discover. Your H is off the deep end isn't he? With these comments about how he's happy and you should find someone? He's in for a rude awakening down the road when he realizes that relationships built upon deceit never work out. I'm supposed to see some of those Glaxo people this weekend, I'll ask them about the sub contractors and let you know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> God loves you both and when it's final, come back up her and if you want to talk over our best bottle of wine with me (I am paying of course) then anytime." I smiled and walked out.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't it amazing how God can send us angels in our darkest times.
I loved the rose.

peachy,

Just drop by and say hello ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I guess I should move to this board but there are too many newbie need help in the other forum. I have to find your #, I have a new cell & move to my own house. How is the little buzz light year ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Take care -rh-

Hang in there...boy do I know the feelings. Will be praying for you and your son. Pat