Feeling weepy this week. Having alot of back and shoulder pain from stress at work. Pain always makes me emotionally weak and vulnerable. I can't ignore pain much anymore---physical or emotional. On top of this painful week, my WS decides to go and refinance our house (he has til Aug to do this). I am perplexed as to why he is doing this now. This is a man who never rushes into anything. He is living in our home and I am suspecting that he wants to maybe have a "roommate" soon. He has to give me my portion through refinancing or eventually selling it. It is so sad to me. We lived on his disability for 18 yrs of our married life and were not able to afford a house til the year of our 25th anniversary. I longed for a house for 25 yrs and then we built a small 3 bdrm ranch which I loved everything about. My longing was FULFILLED. It is small but we designed it and I found so much pleasure in it and decorating it and having people over once and awhile.

I hope the grieving stops some day.....cause I am tired of loss. I feel like my losses are staggering and it keeps me from seeing what I have now and what my potential gains are.

I know I will wonder why I felt like this next week but for right now, I cannot bear the loss of my beautiful house and everything good that goes with it.

TW

Will we ever be normal again? Do we live with permanent emotional scar tissue that never really goes away and infects our lives permanently? I know alot of survivors of infidelity who have so much pain!!!!! When will the pain stop effecting us so much?

TW

TW, I'm sorry to hear about the house. It must be crushing. It's hard to watch dreams slip away. I know that everyone says, put it behind you, make a new dream. And they are right, and in due time that will happen. But right now you need to grieve the loss of this dream, in your own time, so that when you heal, it will be complete.

I know the day is coming very soon when I will have to leave my home, and it will be another set back for me to heal from. I have thanked God every day for allowing me this much time in my "comfort zone" to think, pray, heal and feel safe. I feel very blessed in many ways.

I do believe that we will carry the emotional scars of all of this for the rest of our lives. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I do believe it is a fact of life. Just like physical scars that hurt and heal over, the mark is always there. But that doesn't mean you don't get up and run again - you just exercise more caution.

Sometimes what helps me, and this may sound very "Pollyanna-ish", but it does help me when I am missing something, or anticipating not having that again in my life, I remember - at least I had it once and I enjoyed it. That's more then some people ever get to have.

Hope it helps to know someone is thinking of you.

{{{{tossedwave}}}}

I was having a bad day today, too. They come for no apparent reason and then they go. I too am living in the "dream home" that H and I built together and I will eventually have to sell it to buy him out of our business that he abandoned along with everything else when he left for drugs, alcohol, and the OW.

I agree with broken x 3 when she said we will carry the scars forever. Having had a mastectomy and reconstructive surgery due to breast cancer (as well as chemo and radiation) - I can't believe it's been almost 5 years! - I will always bear those scars and that experience has fundamentally changed me, just as this one has.

Right after I got diagnosed with cancer, another friend of mine's H went to his HS reunion and up and left my friend for his old HS gf (a woman with severe mental illness). They'd been together for about as long as my H & I had, 20 years.

I heard through another friend that this friend whose H left her for the OW said she'd rather have cancer than have her H leave her for another woman. At the time, going through treatment, I felt insulted. She didn't know I'd heard this, but later, after she got cervical cancer and my H had left me for the OW, she apologized to me. But by then I agreed with her. I honestly believe that this experience was far worse than cancer.

The cancer diagnosis was terrifying. My mother had died of breast cancer only 18 months before I discovered the lump in my breast. Every woman who was older than me on both sides of my family had been diagnosed with breast cancer (only my mother died of it though) though I was the youngest by far. But this experience has been more devastating and more pervasive. I recovered emotionally much more quickly from the cancer diagnosis, with the support of friends and a great cancer support group.

Every crisis in our lives leaves scars that, like it or not, make us the people we are. I've also had those "pollyannaish" thoughts. I try to be grateful for what I have today, which is really a lot. The only thing guaranteed in our lives is that things will change. "A Buddhist definition of suffering is 'clinging to that which changes'" (that from a book I'm reading called A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps, by Patrick Carnes).

As far as being "normal again," I think we're normal now - normal to mourn the loss of the person with whom each of us spent close to half our lives, with whom we created families, with whom we thought we'd live forever... But, the pain has already lessened, for all of us. It comes in waves now and seems as overwhelming as ever, but then it fades for a while.

For myself, I no longer have trouble eating and have gained back much of the weight I lost initially, I can sleep through the night, I can work effectively most days, I can even laugh and have a good time and not even think about my STBXH for hours at a time. Yes, I still think about him every day. But, a day doesn't go by that I don't think about breast cancer either, but the pain accompanying the thought has diminished with time.

Thanks Broken & LetStry-----I understand your thoughts so well!!!!! you guys made me cry but now it is not just for me but for you both also. I hate the thought of anyone having this kind of pain.

Sometimes what helps me, and this may sound very "Pollyanna-ish", but it does help me when I am missing something, or anticipating not having that again in my life, I remember - at least I had it once and I enjoyed it. That's more then some people ever get to have

Broken---this is very true and a wonderful way to reconcile the loss. There are so many who have nothing and never will have anything. When you have to move, make sure you share here so that you can get support and understanding. It is soooooooo hard to do. There is some silver linings though. My life is easier now than it ever has been without husband, house and kids to take care of. It is funny--- I lay in bed at night sometimes and cry with grief over the losses but in my tears are the joys of all I have---God has lead me to a wonderful apartment, great bargains in furniture, just enough money to live on, a great car, and He has given me 2 wonderful sons who I delight in. This just made me think of the fact that God delights in us. I never could understand that before right now. He delights in us just like we delight in our children.

Thanks for sharing.

For myself, I no longer have trouble eating and have gained back much of the weight I lost initially, I can sleep through the night, I can work effectively most days, I can even laugh and have a good time and not even think about my STBXH for hours at a time. Yes, I still think about him every day. But, a day doesn't go by that I don't think about breast cancer either, but the pain accompanying the thought has diminished with time.

LetStry---I know what you are saying here. Life is better and better each day. I almost feel schizo sometimes cause I can be crying my brains out one minute and laughing with friends the next day. I am so glad you survived breast cancer. I have friends fighting that kind of cancer and I have watched their struggle.

It truly does make a difference to feel that someone understands and listens. I can talk to friends but they look a little perplexed at what I share sometimes or you get the usual "you will be fine" song. I just want to feel my feelings and let them be understood so THANKS again for your willingness to help others heal.

TW