My husband left me with 8 kids to raise by myself, he is living with his parent's in another state and he says he needs time to get his head together. He has been gone for 10 days and has called his kids once, yet he says they are his life and loves and adores them. how does someone walk away from his wife and kids and says i love you at the end of the conversation. we have had a stormy 15years but divorce was never an option due to the kids. he was a recovering alcoholic for 12 years and began drinking again this past summer, driving my kids around drunk, i forced him into rehab but he never admitted he had a problem even though he has gone down this road once before. i keep taking him back because i love him so much he is my best friend, but now i feel my husband is dead, i don't know this man that has abandoned us. he has never worked and is now getting disability in which i will probably never see a dime of child support, our children are crushed but he doesn't seem to care, no calls and no remorse. The last thing he did was take too much prescription medication hit the curb with 2 of my children in the van and blew out tires, i could have lost my children that day. no more chances for him. the attorney says i can have exclusive rights due to his mental status would be detrimental to the kids, how do i make him realize he will lose his children forever so that he would get the help he needs for his own future, everyone keeps telling me to let go....i really wish i could but i just see the father of my children dead somewhere....i feel so abandoned.

This site is were I learned what to do about a bad marriage.

www.restorem.org

gentle

{{{momma}}} 8 kids, wow! I had six teenagers living with me when my H left, though none was my biological child. I empathize with your story because, as you can see from my signature line, my H, too, is an alcoholic and was sober for, I thought, about 10 years, though I think he was probably just hiding it for a while. I also thought he was my best friend... And, he not only drove drunk with the kids, he even took them to a fundraising concert for marijuana legalization(OW was invited, but kids objected) and bought and supplied them with drugs. So I also feel like the man I knew is "dead." But trying to figure out his motives is an absolute dead end.

Have you been to Al-Anon? I can't recommend it strongly enough. It has saved my life. I didn't think I could survive the emotional devastation when he left. Also, on this site, I'd recommend doing a search for posts by BrambleRose. Her H is an alcoholic who left her for another woman, but she has successfully restored her marriage using Al-Anon and MB tools.

mommax8,

I only have a minute but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. There are several of us who have alcoholic / addicted spouses which creates special circumstances.

Here's a cyber hug for now (((((((((((((mommax8))))))))))))

God Bless,

D.

thank you so much for the encouragement, today has really been tough for me. My H is my best friend, so I thought. I love hom more than life itself, the pain I feel is just shredding me to pieces. I always thought we were soul mates that we had been through so much together nothing could tear us apart. I know we both damaged our marriage over the years but after 8 kids later to walk away without saying Goodbye to them, I just don't know how he could do it.

mommaX8,

There is no gentle way to say this, so I will just blurt it out. There is no way to make them see. As much as you or I might want our spouses to see the casualties that their choices are making, we can not MAKE them see it. Some part of them has to WANT to see it, and I guarantee you that your H does not WANT to see it right now. He will run and run and run from what he knows in his heart is right, because he WANTS to do what he knows is wrong. He WANTS to drink and he WANTS to be selfish.

The hardest, absolutely HARDEST part about having an addicted spouse is that we have to sit back and watch them destroy themselves if that's what they are determined to do. We can not stop them, there are no magic words to make them see what they are doing, and quite often they literally lose everything. My stbxH, for example, lost a successful business, a big home in a nice neighborhood, two children, a wife who loved him (and still does) and was willing to let him work on his addiction and love him anyway, most of his friends and some of his relatives...all for his addiction to affairs and unwillingness to control his rage. I would have done ANYTHING for him to just face himself, face his addiction, and work on him, but he just wouldn't and he is losing it all! And there is nothing I can do to change him.

HOWEVER, I have discovered that there is a lot about me that I need to change--and I am. I've learned that a lot of times, I did not let him have the consequences of his poor choices. I covered for him, cleaned up after him, and kept his secrets. I also learned that I tried all kinds of ways to manipulate him and MAKE him do it my way, and that while my intentions were good, the manipulating in and of itself was MY sickness. His life and my life were so intertwined that it was unhealthy for both of us. I was not my own whole, separate person. So, in this sense, I needed to let go.

Now, I did not "let go" of wanting our marriage or just forget him. Nope the letting go part was more aimed at letting go of MY old behaviors, and letting him have the ability to hold onto his bad choices if that's what he chose to do! I let go of ME not him. Does that make any sense? I let go of my old way of operating and had to learn a WHOLE NEW WAY! I just let go of trying to MAKE him do it my way. I had to practice not doing that (honestly, I still am, but it's a journey, isn't it?).

So for now, don't think about letting go of him. He may be acting crazy right now, mostly due to being sick, but you can't do anything about that. He is going to make decisions that make NO SENSE to you...you can't stop him. But know what you can stop? You can stop yourself. You can stop trying to control him and start controlling you. So for today, just for today, try this. If he were to continue living a state away and just utterly abandon you and the kids, what do YOU want to do? Do you want to continue to sit at home and cry all day and live a life of sorrow?? You can choose that, you know. Or do you want to very slowly learn to live and learn to smile again and live a life of joy--no matter WHAT his choices are. You can choose that too! Just think about that...

...and...GO TO THE STORE and get lotion tissues and chunky soup like I told you. You'll feel better. Just get through the day a little, okay??

CJ

Momma---you have your hands full. I too have tried for over 30 years to make my wayward/alcoholic spouse "see" what he is doing to ruin his life and mine. It makes you exhausted and miserable. The advice here is right on target---YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE COMPULSIONS OF AN ADDICT. They will run and run and run cause they are major conflict advoiders. Then when they screw up, they can't face the shame and guilt so they run and hide. It is a vicious cycle. You have lived so long focused on the addict that you are unable to live life. I strongly recommend Alanon. It is a program of self-awareness, power from above and support of every kind. You need something to redirect your thinking til you have better control over your thoughts and a healthy path to follow.

Remember you will never understand your H. He can hardly understand himself.

TW