Well, for those that don't know, My W left over a week ago. This is the second time this has happened in a year. I have taken responsability for my faults in the situation and have worked hard to fix myself. ie: Show more love and respect (The major issues). Well, today we had a meeting with a MC and she pretty much said she was done, she didn't want to try anything anymore to fix our relationship.. After I talked a bit about it the MC talked her into coming home for this weekend with me. I hope this is a good thing and she's not just doing it with a completely closed mind. Well, During this past week I have been Text Messaging her in the morning telling her how our daughter was doing and to have a good day. I also sent her flowers a couple times. She told me not to send her flowers anymore because she didn't want to have clowded jugment or something because of them. This didn't make much sense to me really but, I agreed.. My main problem is because of that I don't have a clue what to do this weekend.. It could be the last weekend I ever spend with my wife and daughter. I'm afraid that I'm going to screw it up like I did last time. There are so many things I would like to do for her but I don't want to over do it and push her away. I have no clue and I feel hopeless, like no matter what I do it isn't going to help me climb out of this deep hole I've dug myself into. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

IMF,
trying to make up for a life time together of grief, in one weekend is not something many would say is an odds on favorite of happening. but what the heck...we all believe in miracles don't we? why else would most around here keeping trying to make it right with a H or W who didn't want them anymore, otherwise?! LOL

so here's the thing. since you can't do everything concnetrate on doing something! RIGHT that is!

if you can manage to just get her attention so that she gives you a chance to communicate with her...to tell her you understand....to apologize and explain your plan as to how you're going to improve yourself and the relationship in the bargain...if she will just let you do that and agree to give you a chance to do so...hey who know? good things could happen right?

lots of luck.
coach

Gee thanks coach. ;-) Good thing I don't have really high expectations for this weekend. You would have crushed me.. :-) I understand what your saying though. Let me clear something up though, I havn't been an A$$ my entire "lifetime" we've been married for almost 6 years and we have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. Our main problem IS communication and the MC told us that, of course we knew that and havn't worked 100% to fix it.. I'm willing and defidently able to change my ways. My flaws are very small things to most people, just my W is very sensitive and I have to learn to deal with that. I know I can't make her work to fix things I wast want to do as much as I possibly can to change myself and in the processes try to infuence positive change in her. I just don't know what too much would be. I know she likes romantic stuff.. I've never been romantic and I'm afraid if I try to be she will think it is false, even though it wouldn't be. Damned if I do damned if I don't.. Oh well, I guess I'll just go for it.. I don't have anything else to lose at this point.

IMF,
forgive me. i tend to express myself in what seems to be the absolute. i had no intention of making you out to be a life time screw up!

but look, what you're dealing with here is a woman coming home for the weekend...giving you one more chance to make things right. my friend,this is no simple situation!

and guess what? if she perceives that you're a world class screw up then guess what? to her, that's what you are! the reality of the situation doesn't matter becuase to her, reality is what she feels it is.

and so my advice stands. pick out some aspect of your relationship that will stop the lady in her tracks and make her listen to you. faking it romantically is a lie! if it's not really you then you're not going to fool her.

if it were me, i would open my heart to her and tell her what I feel...then an ask her...begg her...to help me to do better, be better to be more of the man she wants me to be!

i don't know but to me, candle light and champagne do not compare in the romance department, to a man expressing his true feelings of love, fear and hope.

sorry if i've failed you.
coach

No coach, I didn't mean it like that. lol, I feel like I'm talking to my W.. ;-) I understand what you are saying and appreciate your input.. You and I sound like we think pretty alike. I really do want to be romantic, I think I've just been selfish and I realize that now. I just don't want to come on too strong. I have poored my heart out to her numerous times. I really don't even know why I asked my original question. Thinking about it now I realize there is no cut and dry answer. I guess if there was a woman that could give some input it would help me out.

Hi IMF,

Female here to the rescue, answering a call for advice... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was the BW, so, I didn't have the exact same situation where I was the one who left... but here are some ideas:

If the romantic overtures make her uncomfortable, try to make her feel at ease by just trying to enjoy the time that you will have with her this weekend. Did you two have a favorite movie you liked to watch together? Does she have a favorite meal? Does do you two have any hobbies you did together, ie hiking, riding, board games, anything.

I wouldn't advise begging or pleading, only because that wouldn't make me feel very comfortable. As the spouse who is leaving, she probably wouldn't, either.

Focus on just making the weekend laid-back and and non-confrontational. Smile, even if you can't feel it, fake it. Plan this out, write down what you would like to do, if you have to. Don't just sit in the house! And stare at the walls... Get outside and do something, too!

I wish I had better advice for you. One thing though... I have found that a very subtle air of confidence helps. Not egomania, just a contented demeanor... trust me, she will wonder what you're thinking. And that is how we usually start talking, by asking what you guys are thinking about!

And when she asks, tell her something she has to like... like how much your baby looks like her, pick out the qualities you see in baby that are nice (delicate features, pretty eyes, little pout, perfect little hands) or even if the baby has (good)temperment similar to mom's and apply as credit to mom... "good job!" kind of deal.

Good luck to you... rootin' for ya <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Mynabird

P.S. Remember to thank her for coming. Don't bog it down with pleas... could drive her off.

One more thing... she said don't send her flowers. She said it "clouded her judgement." Seems to me that perhaps it makes her feel things about you that she is trying to fight. Send 'em anyway, doesn't always have to be roses... daisies, gardenia blooms, whatever you like. And... put them in the house, too. On the kitchen table, in the bedroom, front hall, where ever.

Mynabird

<small>[ March 14, 2003, 03:11 AM: Message edited by: Mynabird ]</small>

Thanks Mynabird, Are you serious about the flowers? She made me promise I wouldn't give her anymore... Should I still do it anyway? Actually she said don't "Send" her flowers. I guess I could "Give" them to her.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She actually came home early.. Like an hour ago. We talked a little bit and she's still scared to open back up to me because she's afraid of getting hurt again. I understand that but, I don't understand why she would come back at all if she wasn't willing to try..

IMF, sorry to hear your situation... A tough one! As the others have said, one weekend is not going to provide a makeup for 6 years of bad treatment.

The only way I can see to approach it is to make it a new beginning.... Assuming you know her needs and the problems, focus on those in aspect of Plan A... but in a normal way. To much or even any romance at all may make her gag or at worst make her angry...

One thing I remember when my wife said "to late" was the anger she felt because of all the years she had tried to get me to understand and I did not listen!!! Oh the anger she felt.... asking me "Why now!!!"

She has been hurt and it is going to take more than one weekend to even dent this hurt.

Try to focus on small conversations, nothing deep, nothing hinting strong relational talks.

As you said, communications was a big problem. Focus on this.... How are your skills at listening? I mean really listening? Validating? Understanding how she feels and why. Without offering solutions.....

Right now you can only speak for yourself and what you can change for future... Express it will take time, and whether she is there are not you are going to work towards that goal. And as you express these things, listen to how she responds! Validate....

But remember.... this is a chance to start new...rather she is there or not.... with time, practice, and understanding changes can be made.

Good luck.... remember, relax, be strong, and be open and honest....

Thanks GSN, lookslike she's given up before we even give it a shot though. We talked a little today and she is complete closed to the idea of working it out. We're pretty much getting together this weekend to start figuring out who's taking what and how were going to work out both of us spending time with our daughter.. I feel like such a jacka$$.. I had so many chances already and blew them. I really can't blame her for giving up. Its just so hard for me to let go. I told her I wasn't going to hurt her anymore and I was going to be as cooperative in the D process as possible. I don't really mean it though. I don't know if I'll actually be able to sign anything. I don't want my mariage to end like this. Hell if one of us had an A or if one of us beat the other or our daughter then I could understand. Our problems are so minor compaired to most I've read on here.. She swears up and down there is nobody else but all the signs sure do point that way. I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll find out soon..