I am near the bottom of the downward spiral of my M I think. I know its probably too late to save it but I ordered GIVE & TAKE by Willard F Harly jr. If I would have red this book years ago I would probably have realized how much of a moron I was. I just got it yesterday and I haven't put it down since. I just wish I could get my W to read it.

I have one question.
My W and I are supposed to get together to "negotiate terms" of our D. I really don't want to go through with it mostly because reading this book shows me that there is a lot of hope. It also makes me feel like we haven't yet tried everything possible to save our M.

Would it be asking too much to take more time apart to think about this? Or would it just be delaying the inevitable outcome?

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: ItsMyFault ]</small>

You could ask for time. Are you two in counseling? Also, show her the book, and have her read the Harleys books. They are great. But there is nothing you can do to change her. Ask, and don't PLEAD. Just say, honey would you like to read this book. I found it so interesting. And move in that direction. This is difficult, and if she is in the FFOOGGGG.... it is tough.

Just be a caring, responsible person, and show that you love her, without pushing her away. Be yourself, and do things for yourself. Show her that you love life, love yourself, and show her that you are not manipulating, and controlling her in any way.

That is the worst part.

I don't know what to do.. One minute I'm ready to go along with her and D. The next I want to work it out so bad. Our current situation is driving me to the brink of complete melt down. I have no clue what is going on now. She moved back home and wants me to stay here and sleep in the same bed. But, she's still looking for another place to live and told me she was contemplating going on a freeking DATE with someone. I don't know if she's crying out for help or trying to kill me. The whole time I have my daughter too.. She works nights so I have her about 90% of the time. I don't know if I should leave them and let her figure out what she's going to do or if I should contiune to offer the support a H should offer. I've offered the book to her and she felt I was trying to change her mind! OF COURSE I AM!! I love her and I want our family to stay together. I know what I have to fix and I have begun to work at it. She hasn't attempted anything except to drive me crazy. How am I supposed to sleep next to the W I love so much, see how hurt she is and do absolutly nothing? I just want to hold her and comfort her. Sorry this was so long, I've just got so much running through my head right now.

She's probably confused and on the fence. If she's seeing someone, more trouble. (do not confront her, do not ask her, just find out and NEVER tell anyone that you're investigating)

If she wants a divorce, let her do it. She probably wants you to do it so she can place blame on you. Still, quietly retain a lawyer to protect yourself.

She's probably wanting to sleep with you and other things to make you feel better so that you will go along with the divorce. Sleep with her sure, but keep you hands off of her. Let her lead as far as those things go.

Realize that it took a long time for your marriage to get this way and it will take a long time to "fix" it.

The best thing to do is start reading the Harley's books. Avoid any "love busters" as Harley puts it. DO NOT PURSUE. DO NOT PLEAD with her to stay. The is the quickest way for her to lose any love she has left for you. She will feel trapped and nobody loves someone groveling at their feet. That will only push her further away. Be strong. Cowboy up! She's tired of dealing with the situation and is seriously thinking of running away. Just say that you love her and will do your best and start working on yourself. Stop talking about divorce. Talking about divorce leads to divorce. Don't talk about the marriage either. Just do your thing. LET HER COME TO YOU! I cannot stress this enough. Read the Harley's books and learn about relationships. LET HER COME TO YOU! Just be a great guy. Set her free and then something magical will happen. She will see that she is free and then start questioning if leaving is what she really wants to do. (if she's having an affair, it makes things more difficult) Again, read Harley's books and learn to be a great guy.

I think this is the best way to go about it. Picture her gone. (get her out of your head) Picture you picking up the pieces and learning how to make your next relationship better. Do it!

Why do I say to let her come to you? You are meeting at least some of her needs. She doesn't realize it unless she suddenly goes without. She will come to you, just be around. Don't hover. Set her free.

Do not try to figure out what she's thinking. She doesn't even know. She's confused. You must be the rock. Cowboy up!

Stop kicking yourself. You were doing the best you could with what you knew. Time to learn more.

Women typically need affection, conversation, financial support, family commitment, and honesty and openess. Read the Basic Concepts on the website for starters. (all of the pages under Basic Concepts) Do not attempt to get her to read any of it. This will only look like manipulation and believe that none of it applies to her situation. Do not involve her parents or ANYONE else. It only magnifies the problem. Counselor yes. You can come here to vent. Never vent at your wife. She probably wants that.

She's probably trying to drive you crazy so that you will explode and she can point the finger at you. Don't let her.

Immediately stop doing anything negative and towards a divorce. Do not talk about the marriage. She views that as a trap. Work on yourself. You are the only thing you can control. Make yourself better and wait for her to come around. She either will or won't, it's out of your hands. The more you hold on, the more she will want to flee. Reminds me of a song by 38 Special "Hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling to tightly, you're gonna lose control." Got it? If your marriage is beyond the point of saving, so be it. You will need to be your best for the next relationship. Take care of that daughter. Get started now.

More info would be better. Your posts are not that long.

IMF:

Whoa! Whoa! I'm sorry, it sounds your wife is SO conflicted right now. There's a book you HAVE TO READ. This is important, I don't care how you get it, just GET IT. Your wife doesn't have to read it either, just you.
It's "STOP YOUR DIVORCE" by Homer MacDonald. I read this book way too late.

Sounds to me there is an excellent chance of saving your marriage.
In the meantime, don't fight with her about anything, don't try to get her to do stuff, don't beg her to stay. Go along with evrything she says. Mirror he exact thoughts, and agree with her.

I can e-mail you a copy, if you like, it's in PDF format.
muzohead@xsinet.co.za

What do you have to lose?

muzohead