Just curious, are any of you FWS who ended your A, actually wanted to and maybe even took the time to try to recover your M, but ended up leaving your BS, but NOT to run to some OP? You simply decided it was over and went through with a Dv?

Or is that such a rare breed that anyone in that category doesn't post here?

(I'm thinking I may invent that breed...)

Jen

There was a couple here about three years ago where that was the case. Their names were ExhaustedMan and TiredLady. . . . both posted here

They did a final divorce recap, where both understood their part of the affair, trying to make it work and subsequent divorce. . . they answered questions, and the thread read like a case for a counseling degree. . . .

you can try to search in the archives for ExhaustedMan, who had the affair, came back to work on the marriage, and TiredLady who could not get past the anger and forgive.

wiftty

Thanks for the tip WhenIfindthetime. I did a search for both, found some posts by TiredLady (member #2643). Her situation wasn't quite as simple as mine. Here's a quote from one of her posts:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Everyone here (with the exception of Nellie and Student) thinks I should just "get over it". Move on. Get a new life. Well, I want my old life back. I don't want the one I have now. I don't. My ex had an affair. I take responsibility for my part in that. I tried to make things work. He quit counseling. HE QUIT. I didn't. He went back to his GF. He gets to be happy while I'm just plain miserable. He's a good father that didn't want the wife he had. Now he's still a good father with the "new future wife" he's always wanted.

How does one just "get over" spending your entire adult life with one person? As far as I'm concerned, I can't nor won't ever get "over it". I may as well crawl in a hole and disappear. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So her H had a GF during their separation, it would appear she's the OW, and that he went on to divorce TiredLady and marry the OW.

Then, and this was very hard to read, TiredLady was suddenly killed in a car accident a couple months after the ExH and the OW moved in together with the kids. Her sister found her notes and posted on here to let other MB posters know she had passed. It's all so sad!!

Oh, and TiredLady and her ExH actually went for some counselling. My H refuses to go.

I guess I'm just frustrated b/c my H won't let us do all that we can do to try and save our M. He's not willing to even try dating each other, let alone go for MC. All he's up for are some occasional phone conversations (where he hangs up when he doesn't like what he hears), and secret meetings for sex. He says he wants a Dv, but he also said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"You asked me why I keep calling you and seeing you, it’s because I wonder and hope that I can forgive you someday. And then I see you, and you’re all “independent” and talking about looking out for yourself, and I can’t stand you." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is a controlling man who doesn't want to be with me if I won't allow him to control me. He doesn't like the "new" me that sets boundaries and looks out for herself. He'd rather have a doormat again; but that led at least in part to my dissatisfaction with our M, and to my infidelity. I can't go back to that. There's so much more I could say to give the whole picture, but I'll leave it at that for now.

So I feel like I'm perhaps going to end up divorced at this rate. I just wonder if there are any other FWS on this board that ended up divorced, but that didn't run into the arms of OM. That sure isn't going to happen with me. I don't talk to him any more, his wife can have him. If I get divorced I'll hopefully eventually be able to move on and look for someone new, b/c I still want to have children.

Jen

OK, my suggestion to you, with no kids, just get divorced. . ..

there is no shame in ending your marriage without kids. . ..

there are enough RED FLAGS for both you and your H to overcome, that without kids, take your lumps,accept the divorce on your infidelity, and learn and understand why you couldn't take the honorable stand of either discussing your relationship with your H or making your own decision to divorce. . . .

affairs are a great MISTAKE learning processes, but both have to learn. . .

so my suggestion, again, make your own decision, set your own boundaries, and if he can't accept, you initiate the divorce. . . and then you go to live by yourself, and learn about yourself to make a better decision next time. . . and practice your MB skills on your next dates. . ..

good luck. . .

wiftty. ..

Hi Jen,

I don't post much anymore, but I read yours this morning so I wanted to reply.

I posted much on GQII, and I 've read much of your posts. I know you responded to one of mine, way back when.

I am a FWS who is now divorced. I ended it with OM before the divorce was final. I ended it with OM in July, and the divorce was final in August. I haven't had contact with OM since the ending of it, and I haven't made any progress with my exH. I'd wanted to reconcile with him for quite some time, even when I was in the 'end' of my R with OM. The answer has been 'no'.

At this point, Jen, I don't come here much as I feel I've moved on. I've tried everything possible to prove to exH (marriage of 21 years) that we had a good marriage, and that our love is worth saving. He says he thinks I'm a good person, but he doesn't want a marriage, and it's not even just about the A. (Coming here is just too draining for me. I feel I'm better off at this point putting my energy in other things. ) I don't want to keep thinking about the divorce constantly, the A, and all of that negative 'stuff'. Does that make sense?

I won't date until my youngest child is at least 18 years old. That's in a few years. Besides, I need to be alone and get over this mess I created.
I don't mind being alone, but I do miss having a caring partner. My exhusband was one. I'm sure one day if it's in God's will I'll meet someone else, OR my exH will come back to me. Last night my brother said it might take a few years.

WhenIFINDthetime is right. We can learn from this. I'm not sure about exH. HE refuses to talk about it, as he has from the beginning. But I feel I'm learning, and I will move on past this, and be happy again in a relationship. In the meantime, I'm finding happiness on my own. It's not too bad at all!

Take care,
H_P

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

Jen:
Obviously the affair with his best friend will be a bitter pill to swallow. How have you offered to try to lessen these feelings of severe betrayal for him?

This is not something you can merely wish him to "get over it", though of course, in essence, that is precisely what he needs to do, to have any hope of a future with you. From your viewpoint, you do not have to deal with his particular feelings right now, so show some understanding, at least.

In your mind, you may know for sure that you are prepared to give it another shot, but in his mind, he is unsure if he can take the risk of it back-firing on him, merely leaving him looking the fool, with even less dignity than he now has.

My suggestion would be that for any hope of a reconciliation of sorts, the 2 of you should divorce, or seperate without contact for a while, and then perhaps embark on dating.

My 2 cents

muzohead

Letter to Jen Brown’s Husband

Dear XXXXX,

I am writing this letter to you, because I am sick of you and I do not even know you personally. You are behaving like an idiot, a dope of the highest order.

I have been posting at Marriage Builders for almost two years and have followed the story of your wife’s affair, and her attempts to reconcile with you following the realization of her mistake.

My own wife has had an affair, and it continues to this very minute, with no signs of her coming back. Do you realize how many betrayed husbands on this board would love to have a wife like yours? She made a mistake, a mistake for which she is heartily sorry, and for which she has paid dearly. You show me ONE person who has not made a life mistake, and I will show you that his name is Jesus Christ. Other than He( and Mary and Joseph), human kind has been pretty much of a disappointment.

If my ex were like your wife I would fall to my knees in thanks and Praise. Did I emphasize just how big a dope you are? I read Jen’s posts (which are tough to read for me, because my own wife’s name is Jen) and I am brought nearly to tears with the pain she conveys through her writing, the pain I feel at the separation from my wife and the frustration I feel towards you for being too thick-headed to wake up and smell the coffee!

Her mistake was bad, and so what? She is sorry for it, she has learned from it and she still wants to make a life with you, though I do not know what she sees in you. YOU, on the other hand, have subsequently made mistakes just as grave, show NO remorse nor ANY repentance and continue to behave in a 7th grade “my girl-friend kissed another boy, so I am not taking her to the dance” attitude which will, if continued, give a life only of misery and loneliness. You have a small, and smaller by the minute, window of opportunity to show that you are a MAN and not a boy, take your wife back, tell HER that YOU are sorry for behaving like the Universe’s biggest [censored] and, if anything unkind comes into your brain to say (to quote PepperBand for a moment) “SHUTUP…JUST SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”.

Life is too short to stay as angry as you have been, TiredLady proved that. Life is also too short for Jen to waste much more of her time on the likes of YOU. So, get off your a$$, grow up and thank the Dear Lord that you have been blessed with such a woman as Jen Brown.

NMWBTWBD,

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: Not My Will, But Thy Will Be Done ]</small>

Wow! Jen, Can Notbymywill send that letter to my exH, too?

Thanks Notbymywill, for your forgiving nature and willingness to understand others.

God Bless,
H_P

Hopeful_person, you said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We can learn from this. I'm not sure about exH. HE refuses to talk about it, as he has from the beginning. But I feel I'm learning, and I will move on past this, and be happy again in a relationship. In the meantime, I'm finding happiness on my own. It's not too bad at all! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Indeed....I can envision myself finding happiness on my own. I kind of have already done so (as I've been living on my own for over 6 months now). It's nice not living in fear of a cranky controlling H, who I was never good enough for anyway.

NMWBTWBD, Wow, a very moving letter. Got me on the verge of tears. I wonder if I really should give it to him, or email him the link. I told him long ago that I post here, but I'm fearful of what he'd do if he found out how much how many people know about him and about us.

Thanks so much for your kind words NMWBTWBD, I pray that your Jen wakes up and returns to you soon. I'd do anything to have an H that would be as forgiving as you.

muzohead: we had 3 months with no contact from Aug. to Nov. To what avail? I'm still not seeing any benefits, other than the fact that I went for regular IC back then and figured out who I was, separate from my H. I learned to value myself as an individual, not just as an extension of my H.

It's so wierd how my H seems to be pursuing me (calling me, coming over) when I'm starting to finally move on emotionally.

Jen

Jen

ExhaustedMan had an affair. He gave up the affairee to work on his marriage, cut all contact. . TiredLady would not forgive, did not let go of the anger, and she would not let him back in emotionally. . . .

He gave up after about a year, and then back to his mistress, and now live happily ever after. . .

the point, if your H won't do the work to get over the anger and understand the problems and the solutions, you are fighting a losing battle, your choice to decide what you want to do with your life.

The second point is that the process that you went through, is a common process, called individuation, becoming an individual. People have different ways and different time lines on getting to that point, i got to the point in a similar, but different way, about the same age as you did. . . .

i say this because you have been emotionally attached to your H since age 18, and you have grown through counseling, throught your experiences. . . your H probably has not grown in the same dimension, and does not have the capacity to grow the way you do, he is obviously fighting against the growth, . . . he liked the old way better. .

so now you can really make a good life for yourself by living on your own, and getting comfortable supporting yourself, etc, and then finding a very compatible mate who is at the same level of maturity, etc with you. . .

your H has two people that have betrayed his trust, and that is a forked stick in the eyes, so he is hurt more than ever. . .

so take you lumps, and move on and continue to make yourself a worthy companion to someone, but learn about what makes and breaks relationships for YOU, so that you can find a worthy person for yourself. . .

wiftty

JEN:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's so wierd how my H seems to be pursuing me (calling me, coming over) when I'm starting to finally move on emotionally. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....just maybe he LIKES the new you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What may be required from you , is the patience and understanding, that you seek from him . There's definitely interest & hope, IMHO. Just as a BS suffers inside during Plan A, pretty much the same is called for now, on your part. Why does moving on with your life have to involve being "available" necessarily? Is there any rush? No.

My immediate response after reading your 1st post was also along the lines of NTWBMWBD's open letter to your hubby. I would also have killed to have my exW take your attitude, despite the A's. However, your H has suffered a double-betrayal, and I won't pretend to know what that does to someone. May be we can have some input here from someone who suffered the same fate--(?) Start a new thread, maybe.

Anyway, just to let you know, I'm rooting for you, I concur with NMWBTWBD---i.e. adultery is but the most visible form of betrayal in a marriage,... there are many other forms of betrayal, not viewed in the same judgemental light, which amount to the same kind of damage to the relationship's trust & foundation.

Now I'd better add a disclaimer statement:
I in no way condone adultery or any other form of betrayal within marriage
...for the benefit of those who do not read posts all the way through <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good luck with what you decide. Obviously you are leaning towards hope, or possible reconciliation, which is why you are here. This experience of yours has made you grow up rapidly in a short period of time. Your hubby is way behind on catching up. Why NOT let him check out these pages? May do him some good to know we all know his pain, yet are encouraging him to start recovery with you.

Much love
muzohead