Hi folks,<BR> I'm not sure what I should do. I feel my husband's temper is very abusive. He is both violently angry at times (throwing or breaking things, hiting me wiht pillows, holding my arms)and frequently yells or curses over the most minor irritations, often things that it would never have occured to me would make anyone angry. ie: broken electronics (these he destroys because his frustration is so severe), my not being able to find the tool he asked for will elicit frustration and irritation that makes me feel hurt.<BR> We have been married twelve years, for most of which I have managed to convince myself that I am happy, but our intimacy has suffered, (big surprise) and my husband recently had an affair because I wasn't meeting his emotional needs. (Have a good deal of resentment over that since I feel he is the one who destroyed our closeness)<BR> I feel I am partly to blame, since I allowed him to treat me this way, and am not going to tolerate it any longer. H has agreed to get help, but I don't know if he means it or how long it will take. I do know that he feels badly about what he has done to me, but his way of coping with those feelings is to blame me for letting him get away with it! I am wondering if I should insist on a physical separation until he shows improvement. I'm afraid that if I'm faced with much more I won't want to continue to try.<BR> Sorry this is so long, and thanks!<BR>hope

Welcome Hope5, this is a good place to start. Have you considered going to a marriage counselor? If money is an issue, you may want to contact the United Way in your area to help you find someone. This usually works out good because they help you pay at a lower cost or no cost in some cases. If not, ask your local pastor or doctor to suggest someone. Also you might want to check with your local women's shelter for information. You have to look into your options, and start taking some steps for yourself. There are some real concern issues here that I think you need to seek help. <P>Hopefully you and your husband can stay together and work on putting your marriage back on track. I hope when you find a counselor that he too will go with you to sort things out. I do not know if you have had a chance to go thru all of this website, but Dr. Harley has some wonderful sections. He has some great books out in the market as well. <P>Keep posting and good luck!

Hope<P>As Halo suggested, maybe counselling is the first stop. have you raised this topic with your H. Would he be prepared to undertake some counselling sessions with you? If not may I suggest that you yourself still go, as I believe that you will find it very beneficial.<P>The counsellor may also be able to suggest other options that may apply to your H such as anger management courses perhaps. No one should have to llive (survive) through this kind of abuse.<P>How could you possibly be expected to be meeting his EN if you are constantly being subjected to this kind of voilence, no matter how insignificant you or your H think that it is.<P>Try talking to him. Suggest counselling, see what happens from there. All the best <P>Lizard

Hi Hope! <BR>First of all, you don't sound confused at all! You know exactly where you are at and where your H is at, you are setting appropriate boundaries (not allowing abuse), and you are looking for help. That is wisdom!<BR>I'm glad your H recognizes his need for help also and is willing to cooperate! Are you aware that the Harley's do phone counseling too? <P>I pray you find the right help and your marriage improves!! <BR>(((((((((((Hugs to you, Hope4!))))))))))<BR>

Thanks all,<BR> We are seeing a counselor, but frankly, he hasn't been much help so far. It was reading Dr. Harley's site and others that finally helped me to realize and verbalize the root of the problem. It's not the affair that's the problem (that's why we went to counseling). It's just the result that forced a re-evaluation. When I read different sites regarding emotional abuse I could see how I'd allowed him to talk me out of my feelings. Now I'm worried about how to balance things. I don't want to allow backlash to destroy things, but I can't allow things to continue in the old way either. All things to take to the counselor. Hope he can help.<BR>Hope