Hello! I am a divorced mother of 2. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have been in a relationship with my BF for 1.5 years. He is still in the process of divorce. They have been seperated for 2 years and trying to get divorced for 2 years. The reason it keeps dragging out is because she if playing some very nasty games that are darn near illegal (not quite) and the judge keeps letting her get away with it.....regarding the kids mostly. He has 2 children as well.

Anyway, all is going as o.k. as it can go and about a month ago she was allowed to come up to the house to make sure we did not have her stuff.That was agreeable and at that point, I was in an apt. Well, we had to have the cops remove her because she was told that she could go through drawers etc...and take pictures by her lawyer and the cop told her that she had no right to do that. She refused to leave the property when asked. We were told after that incident that there would be no more walk throughs. So this is where I come in. I have stayed out of this from day 1. It is not my mess and I don't want to make her madder by being involved.

Because we were told that there would be no more viewings I gave notice to my apt. to move in with my BF. The day after I gave notice the judge changed his mind and said because we got the cops involved she could do another walk through.

Here is my question. Do I have any rights in this?? Can I file a grievance with the judge because it is an invasion of my privacy?? I don't want my children or our possessions photographed and then have to try and prove they were mine to begin with. A lot of it is from my childhood and I would not have reciepts for it.

She is also claiming we owe 60,000 to her because she did not collect her things. Trouble is is that it was in a shed and she had 3 opportunities to come get it. After 1 year had passed we were told abandonment of property. Every time she comes up to the house it is always just to photograph how we live or what goes on at the house. She wasted a whole roll of film on our brand new farm animals?!?!?

Gosh, I am not sure what to do, only that I don't want this next walk through to happen. Any thoughts?? And no I really have no where else to go.......

1busymomma,

You might want to rethink moving in with your boyfriend until his divorce is final. This can go against him in court. My ex moved in with his girlfriend before we were divorced, and the judge ordered that the only way he could keep the kids on overnight visits would be if she wasn't there or if he kept them somewhere else. You see, he was still married and it's immoral to be living with someone at that point. (He was told this by the judge).

Also, he is still married. You and he would be committing adultery. Until his divorce is granted by the courts, he is still a married man.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is wierd. Very wierd.

Living together in front of kids is WRONG. MB is marriage building site. Not adultery and enablement. I am not being mean, just not going to say this is ok.

My stbxh is almost/most of the time living with another woman, 25 and her two year old. I don't care the situation, it is wrong and it is committing adultery and it is bad to expose kids to this kind of situation.

You don't have rights as to wife's property. They are still married. Even if it is in process of being dissolved.

And yea, I will start over and hopefully date when my divorce is over. May have date first week and am already contemplating it. But I am darn well NOT GOING TO LET MY BOY SEE HIS MOTHER SLEEP AROUND and not sleep with anyone I am not married to.

It's time we quit living as slaves to our hormones and used our brains to see what is best to do. Trust me, I don't want to be a nun forever but am not going to let son see this part of life. Divorce is hard enough. And the reinforcement of adultery as acceptable behavior is more than enough to really mentally confuse a kid...

And then there is the huge issue here: it is adultery. Moral and spiritual adultery. Abstinence is ok. Living together in sin isn't. And living together while one partner is still married (to another person and not the person that they are shacking up with) is just plain wrong.

Does this situation seem to be difficult because possibly you are trying to make something wrong be morally right when it is doomed to not ever be? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

First of all I don't appreciate some of the comments made. I came asking an answer and that was DO I HAVE RIGHTS AS FAR AS NOT BEING PHOTOGRAPHED?!?!?!??! I did not come here for a lecture on the morals of living with my dbf.

Second- This woman is talking walking living breathing nightmare. There divorce is basically final with the exception of this and the custody issue, so to me to tell me I'm an adulteress is not fair. You want to talk about sleeping with someone in front of the kids, his ex would be the one to talk to. She has slept with half the county...and his daughter tells us what she sees and hears. It ai'nt pretty and she needs some serious therapy, and can you believe that the stupid judge awarded her the kids???

I don't live for my hormones. WE have been friends for quite some time and have only been in this relationship for a little over a year (when the main part of the divorce was finalized)

As for her stuff, take it!!! I don't want it...period. I have never wanted it, never asked for it. She abandoned her property and what was not ruined with mold and burned was given to good will.

Please don't preach before you find out all of the facts of someones case!!!!!

Then maybe you should have read more of the contents of this site.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all I don't appreciate some of the comments made. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is fine, but there is extra freedom of speech in cyberspace, and if you don't appreciate directness and a difference of opinion, then make sure you read up and understand the beliefs of where you are posting . . . .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't preach before you find out all of the facts of someones case!!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">there is extra freedom of speech in cyberspace, and if you don't appreciate directness and a difference of opinion, then make sure you read up and understand the beliefs of where you are posting . . . .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Second- This woman is talking walking living breathing nightmare. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is your request not a contradiction that you judged her yet you do not want to be judged?

wiftty

Bottom line:

Your BOYFRIEND is responsible for HIS WIFE, and if she is a danger to you or your children, it is YOUR responsibility to protect yourself and your family.

If it's still HER house, she can park her hiney and/or take pictures of anything in the shed, the barn, or anyplace else she wants, even if you live there.

I am NOT judging, and if you knew me you would know I'm serious. I've made my share of mistakes, including dating my husband before the final divorce decree was issued - never, ever a good idea. Hindsight, you know how that is... always 20/20.

Anyway, if you're asking advice that isn't legal, I'd say to get you and your children OUT until his issues with his wife are resolved. Until they are, you truly have no idea how SERIOUS this relationship is - believe me, I know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mitzi:
<strong>Then maybe you should have read more of the contents of this site.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did, and what I came across was postings like for sexual partners outside the marriage, bringing 3rd parties in for sex. Lots of masturbation issues amongst some of them etc...everyone was so supportive of them....

What gets to me is that this is ny very first posting to this site. I came here for help and was basically called a slut and shunned because I am moving in with my dbf.

I read the welcome thread, what a crock that you are there for your members!

Thanks for the opinions but I do believe that this site is not for me.

great bash her till she leaves ...some great support NOT!

i think you have failed compasionatley...how dare you judge and not support!

Grrrrr

I think the other posters wanted to make sure you read the Marriage builder concepts on this site.

Based on your quote below, you may have just been on the discussion boards. The concepts are great, and I highly recommend them. I don't have advice for your situation, but I do understand that even though people are not formally divorced, many have been emotionally divorced for a long time before filing. I hope you get a good answer to your question, there is great advice on this board.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I did, and what I came across was postings like for sexual partners outside the marriage, bringing 3rd parties in for sex. Lots of masturbation issues amongst some of them etc...everyone was so supportive of them....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Compassion does not fix or help people who are not trying to help themselves.

Compassion only supports the current condition.

Compassion is not what is necessary for change.

Where did i learn this? from an interview with a woman who led a homeless shelter. . . she caid compassion people are the ones that the homeless people preyed upon, but compassion did not give the homeless the requirements to cope and change from their position. . . .

wiftty

Please stop and think. If you "win" in this situation, you will have a mess.

Stay away from the guy until the divorce is over, fini, complete, and all the dust has settled.

If you stay with him, and you have to fight to keep your privacy, to keep your kids' privacy, you will be permitting them (the kids) to be harmed psychologically.

Your boyfriend and his ex are still "engaged" and to use a military term, by staying on the front lines, you could get hit by friendly fire.

If the relationship is worthwhile, it will be worth waiting for. If it's not, you need to know.

First of all I don't appreciate some of the comments made.
That's fair. You don't have to agree/disagree with anything here.

I did not come here for a lecture on the morals of living with my dbf.
You mean and ALMOST divorced boyfriend. This is a site about MARRIAGE BUILDING. Even if you are not married and bf/gf, then most of this stuff does apply but NOT IF ONE IS STILL MARRIED.

There divorce is basically final with the exception of this and the custody issue
So, basically, they are NOT divorced, right?

so to me to tell me I'm an adulteress is not fair.
But if you are living/sleeping with a married man, then it may not be fair but it is true.

I did, and what I came across was postings like for sexual partners outside the marriage, bringing 3rd parties in for sex. Lots of masturbation issues amongst some of them etc...everyone was so supportive of them
You may have read the forums (people like you and me posting their own sob stories). But I can't find many issues like you are talking about, let alone where everyone tells them it's okay.

You need to read everything else besides the forums.

Second- This woman is talking walking living breathing nightmare.
So this makes everything okay? As long as you have a relationship with this man, this is something you will probably have to put up with.

Divorce doesn't end the relationship with the spouse. It usually just brings others in to it.

Please don't preach before you find out all of the facts of someones case!!!!!
The preaching is, "it is NOT okay to have sex or live with someone if you are married to a different person."
There is no reason or justification for doing it. You can't be "almost divorced" any more than you can be "almost pregnant."

i think you have failed compasionatley...how dare you judge and not support!
So do you think this relationship is okay/acceptable for them to be having?

<small>[ March 18, 2003, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

1busymomma,

First of all, in my first post, I did not call you a slut or say anything that should have offended you. I gave you facts. Your bf is married. It is adultery to sleep/live with a married man. You're not the only one committing it, he is also. And it's also a fact that the judge can make some very seemingly "unfair" decisions based on adultery.

I believe you may have wanted to post your question on the "Living Together before Marriage" forum. But I don't think you will find anyone here who will congratulate you for living with a married man. Some people who don't get the sympathy and answer they want to hear get very defensive. If you didn't want anyone's opinion other than your own, why even ask?

Oh, and if you'll check, WE can be very compassionate. But we will also be bluntly honest. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />