Hi EpiphOny,

I went back to my orginal post and re-read your excellent response which really touched my heart deeply on such a soul core level. I am wondering have you done any personal readings on spiritual warfare? If so I would appreciate hearing more.

I have been going through severe form of post traumatic stress. Now through my dreams my real memories with the emotions are attached which I had blocked out how I actually felt throughout the last 21 years living with STBX. I let the memories/sad emotions just wash through me and wake up like a dishrag. But it's OK...

My councelor the other day pointed out I have been real victim and to acknowledge/honor that truth and saddness. Just to survive, forgive, forget, keep dusting myself off and move on in loving heart towards my husband/sake of my kids, I repressed a great deal so it's like being taken out of the freezer, and now safe to start the defrost process.

The sad reality of what living with him was really like being a prisoner and indeed depleted my spirit and now the truth of those situations, and emotions are catching up to me now.

I do feel like I have been fighting a war, and spend so much energies correcting the wrongs in our relatinship/marriage. You were so right that 20 year war would have continued on with him till the end of time.

To discover I have been fighting the dark side and that my partner was apart of that dark world is pretty sobering for me to face. When someone is so skilled at talking the walk but incapable walking any kind of real walk of goodness.

I read the other day that when people desert the army of the Lord.When the going gets tough, war seperates the true and the false.

Those who reject HIM go over to the enemy, are simply returning to the camp which they really belong to .

Reading those lines were extremely powerful realizations for me.

The saddest part is now for my kids when they go to visit him at his bachelor pad he leaves condoms, bra' panties all around his house for my kids to see. Then denies to their face he isn't seeing anyone. Then my daughter find a letter he has written to his cousin whom he is having sex with on the car seat for her to see. Apart from all the pictures of all his lust conqests then tells my kids these are only women friends that are nice to him. Oh I want to scream at what a horrible person he is.

Love to hear from you!

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs

I am very happy that I could give you some help during all this.

I have always been a Christian, but I am far from spiritually mature and I have only recently begun seeking more spiritual knowledge and advice. I am also a psychology student, and since my seperation I have been pouring my heart and soul into books about men, religion, love and codependancy...all kinds of things, just trying to "understand."

That part you said about feeling like a dishrag and the part about thawing...both very good analogies. I completly empathize with you.

I, too, faught and tried to thrive in an enviornment where my "partner" was constantly sabatoging things. And though my own war wasn't as long as yours, I do know all too well the stabbing pain of telling someone you love that enough is enough. In my situation, though, I waivered after throwing it out there and allowed him to control the situation and make this all his choice instead of the result of his actions.

As for spiritual warfare...this is something I have been thinking of on and off for awhile, blended with what I have learned from psychology classes and books. I try to form something that really makes sense to me from there. It's so sad to think of my stbx as a lost man, no differant than you or I, but someone who has been hurt and has listened to the evil promises of self-fulfillment at all costs as the road to happiness instead of intimacy with God and your family. And as for your stbx and his sexual escapades (my stbx is off on the same I am certain)..at first, it made me feel kind of offended...like maybe I am not sexual enough or I am being a prude. Like I don't enjoy sex. And I don't know if maybe you ever felt the same. But..honestly, Mayflower...look at him. Drowning himself in meaningless sex to numb his self hatred and feelings of inadaquacy..as if just because someone is willing to spread their legs, that means he is special. Nobody cares about him. None of them will be there if he needs help. And as God intended, he gives a piece of his soul away to each of these people, because sex was intended for man and wife. And he is left with an empty heart, b/c what he gets in return means nothing to him. So he leaves himself empty, more than ever before, and will need more and more to fill his gaping hole...but as long as he continues to seek out the wrong medicine (I liken it to alcohal for depression) --which is God-- he will dig his way deeper into his own hell. And there is nothing you can do about that no matter how much you love him. He must learn this all by himself, and I hear it takes hitting rock bottom for a lot of people.

I miss my H dearly, though I try not to rely on my emotions much these days. I am sure you miss yours as well. But you die everyday in that kind of enviornment. You compromise away unique aspects of yourself in your heated struggle to cope, and to "get along." Sad as it is, if your situation belonged to your closest friend, what would you say to her? Keep that in mind when you start to long for him or wish that things were differant.

You really sound a lot better than in the original post. I am deeply happy for you. Good luck in everything, and keep going. Try to remember that even though you loved that man, you did everything you could to help him and to honor your marriage vows. God does not want you to be unhappy. He understands.

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: Epiph0ny ]</small>

Great to know your still on board and I tremendously enjoyed your feedback. It appears that we are on the same journey, as I have been doing a great deal of reading/research as well psych, ect...on my own.

As Christian, I wouldn't classify my self as a mature Christian either but growing.

I am doing so much better with everyone support, and TLC. I didn't think I needed as much support, encouragement but am so greatful that my heart feels warm and soft again. Everyone who responded to my first SOS really made a profound difference in assisting my descent out of the mire, muck of emotions.

The intensity and pain I think I was trying to rationalize in my head and ended up getting stuck there. But good thing I remembered in a nick of time "no man is an island" and realised that it's time to start sending out smoke signals in my marooned heart.

These mens profiles are so parellel. I feel like we are watching them from the other side of a mirror.

I have never really examined the concepts of spritual warfare as deeply as I am now. I tend to see things from an entirely different perspective than suffering from a broken heart, broken marriage, broken family blues. It's sad to see someone go to the dark side, even though they seemed to be rewarded with temp war spoils to indulge in lust as they see it for their misplaced allegances.

You idenitfied their quest for their meaningless sex to fill a empty soul that will be never be truly satisfied unless they connect with God. Only he can fill their deep vacum.

Sadly their souls are empty and looking for new engery sources constantly to feed off which doesn't bring them true happiness or satistifaction, or provide a pure energy source of true meaning in their lives.

Each time they do attach thier souls to their sexual lust conquests they do lose more parts of their souls to fragmentation and lose themselves. Taking more darts to their livers, to drag them into the pits. I read that in proverbs and it had such impact on me.

As for the sex aspect topic. I totally love sex and belive sex is sacred and act created by God and expression release of divine joy, love freedom, pleasure romance, and beautiful symmetry of poetry woven between two people spirits to become a single union and form communion deeper union with God. God is truly the author of pure love where his character of goodness, love can freely flow between two people.

I am saddened that my STBX never saw sex that way, so rigid and narrow in his self centered beliefs and really not capable to taking me to the high levels of love or expression. This aspect hurts the most. Why I believe it takes two people with big open hearts to keep that connection flowing.

The relationship really becomes one sided when one open heart is trying to connect with another shut down heart as in the situation with these men whom we thought were capable of loving strong.

If I were to step back the warfare I see the battle on many levels not really between us and the men we love as much it is their own warfare and rebellion against their creator. Seems we got caught in the crossfire and tests of our own allegiances.

But like any battle one can not fight all alone, and it's sad that our situations have landed us here but it is making us grow stronger in spiritual maturity. I feel stronger each day and yesterday yahoo I had my first night sleep without trauma memories. I felt so engerized and focused.

I have a long way to go-- as getting my self out for walks and doing things. But feel so much stronger I appreciate greatly the hand up!

How are you doing with your situation?

Hugs, smiles,

Hi EpiphOony!

I especially loved your framing beautiful expression here and clarity!

I miss my H dearly, though I try not to rely on my emotions much these days. I am sure you miss yours as well.

<Yes, I do miss my H how could one not....attachments do have thier own way>

<Your making great progress in not relying on your emotions, very smart on your part. I look forward to getting mine in check someday soon.>

But you die everyday in that kind of enviornment. You compromise away unique aspects of yourself in your heated struggle to cope, and to "get along."

<Yes, you are so correct- A great part of me died along time ago and so did my real love for my H. Years of layers upon layers of love, tears, fears, betrayal= death, smothered all in between.

I should think this type of process is actually fossilization of oneself, which God does not desire for us.

I radically comprimised away the unique aspects in the name of coping,being flexible and to "get along". I don't think as humans we are designed to become pretzels.

Affairs hurt the bones and marrow and tear the flesh off the relationship. Marriage, committment, and love are fibers that holds the body together!

Sad as it is, if your situation belonged to your closest friend, what would you say to her? Keep that in mind when you start to long for him or wish that things were differant.

<Great statement there and well put.... of course my closest friend would say look closely...look how fortunate you are, you made it out, you've passed through the jungle of illusions and self delusions of false love.

You were once on the wrong side and now love is once more able to find it's way and lead your heart home! Enjoy the freedom ride of true love that is all around you and in your soul. Keep looking up at me the author of your soul/destiny!

Hugs
Smiles

You have such a nice way of putting things- I enjoy your responses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I have a long way to go on my journey. I find myself tormented with images of my husband more and more lately, though it has been 6..almost 7 months since I saw/spoke to him and nearly a month since I recieved the petition for divorce. This is all so surreal...and I keep feeling like I am merely living with my parents for a short time..like none of this is really going on and I will be returning "home" to my H as soon as he's done with whatever the military may have him doing. This war is only perpetuating my little fantasy, though he probably won't be going anywhere...he's a weather man.

My dreams seem to focus on us reuniting..but the hell that would surely ensue. I guess my heart knows the hurt it would feel all too well-always wondering what/who he did in the meantime..and always knowing his predisposition to lying, meaning I would NEVER know the truth. Yet, despite these dreams..showing me how hurtful it would be..I find myself trying to sleep more just so I can see him and hear his voice.

I know I cannot change him, or make him want to change. And I know it would be stupid to go running back to him, no matter what clever little excuse my mind creates to do so, since it was him who was in the wrong. But I am just not ready yet to have him gone from my life forever. It's proving to be harder than I expected to shift my heart from recognizing him as my husband to a manipulative stranger...but he is. And so is yours. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

So I am not very far. But I am trying. Moving on- slowly but surely..getting a little wiser everyday and a little stronger. And you sound like you are doing the same very well.

Well, I am off to class. You take care, and keep up the good work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'll be around if you need to vent..and I have some good endurance, so don't worry about how long it is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Talk to you later.