Don't know where to start. I am so tired of struggling through this marriage and this life. I'll try to give a brief summary of my story.

Met in university - been together for 13 yrs. married since 98. lived together for a yr before that. was out of love with him before I married him I think. everything is all confused. separated in 2000. It hit him like a brick. had a EA/PA for most of 2000, some of 01. Occasional PA since then. I know I am a terrible person. REconciled in 2001. Both his parents have died untimely deaths since then. as recent as this yr.

Biggest EN that is not met - he hates sex. I love sex and all that goes with it - the romance, the teasing, the flirting, the sheer fun of it. He is not a sexual being at all. No interest in it. not with me or anyone. Have tried everything - nothing helped. And he is not willing to consult medical doc - not a problem for him. If I do not initiate we will never have sex.

My views of him have changed too. I care about him and want him to be happy but I no longer respect him. To me, he is weak minded and lets people walk all over him. He also makes me carry him emotional. I need and want someone stronger or no one at all. At least then I will only have to carry myself. I feel guilty and disloyal for thinking and saying these things.

I think we shoudl have stayed separated - in fact I think we shoudl have stayed separated 11 yrs ago when I first left him for OM. But I have no guts - afraid to be alone. And he is not obviously bad - not abusive, not a wife beater - everyone says he is the nicest guy. And he claims to care about me. But I feel more like he needs me than loves me.

We did the whole Marriage Builders things when we got back together and I thought things might get better. But we still have all the same issues - and now I resent him. Sometimes I think I hate him. But I love him too. I want to be free but he has had so much pain to deal with. Waht kind of terrible person woudl I be to give him more?

But I cannot take it anymore. I am so unhappy. I know that I am depressed but am afraid of taking antidepressants for fear of addiction. I have an addictive personality. I sleep as much as possible, have no friends, hate my job - am dying to switch careers but cannot seem to escape the inertia, and am afriad that if i leave him, I will end up all alone with no one to care about me at all. Adn I will regret it forever and run back to him like last time.

Sorry so long - but all advice appreciated. Please do not bash me for PA - makes me feel good - the one bright spot in my life sometimes.

Please I really need some advice.

I really am sorry for the way your feeling, the only advice I could give is from the way I feel right now in the way my wife did this to me. I was so hurt that she never came to me about these feelings. She would go to other people, even complete strangers and talk all kinds of crap about me. Never once told me she had a problem with whatever. Then when she left the first time, she had our neighbor, who we knew for about 2 weeks help her pack her stuff and she grabbed my daughter out of daycare and left the state. I know how your H would feel if he truely feels the way I do with my W. Then we got back together and about 6 months or so have passed and she is doing it again. I caughter her planning her move this time though so we talked a little but, she has pretty much given up completely now. Me personally, if you were my wife I would hope you would throw all cards on the table. Don't demand things though, I know I get very defensive if a woman demands stuff from me. (Yes I was raised to be a pig, I'm much better then I used to be). Point is though, it will close him up and he won't know what he did till its too late to fix it. Thats exactly what I did. Sorry to make this so long. I'm all for saving your M if there is a shread of doubt in your heart.

I hope you work things out.

Agreed, talk to him...

As a BS, my W did much the same thing, although the needs were different. She never said word one to me until she found someone else. That is what I resent about the whole thing.

I never really knew there was much of a problem other than normal issues until she found someone else. By then it was too late and she did not see any efforts to make things right.

If you talk to him, he may surprise you and rise to the occasion and become the hero you want him to be. If not, your opinions will continue the way they are and there will not be hope for your marriage.

Sorry to say, but your PA may not be all it is cracked up to be. I'm not going to give you a hard time, but what respect can you have for a man that does not expect or demand that you see him and him alone? In my opinion, the OM is a much weaker man because he is either (A) using you for sex or (B) a weak man with not enough self-respect to expect a monogomous relationship from his partner.

P.S.

You are NOT a terrible person! You are probably depressed due to guilt for your actions. The more you beat yourself up for actions you have taken, the more depressed you will be. The more depressed you are, the more likely you are to do things that you may not be proud of in the future. Break the cycle. Talk to your husband, and the truth will set you free.

Hi, thanks for the replies. Teh truth is that I have spoken to him and he knows that I had the PA when we were separated adn he knows why and he knows all about my needs. We have spoken many many times in the past. It is not at all like your situations where your wives just got fed up adn left without trying.

But we have spoken and many occasions and he never changes - initially, he would try to change for a week or two. now he no longer even bothers. Maybe I do make demands - but I was not always so. I have tried all manner of gentle cajoling and non-judgmental discussions. The truth is that by his actions, he has made his position clear - he wants us to stay married but he is not willing to change. Or maybe he cannot. I no longer care. I jsut know that it is eating us up. It seems that we are constantly bickering about any number of minute things.

And of course, with the so-recent tragedy in his life, I cannot speak to him about us now. But I am so damned tired and fed up of living this life of negativity. It is awful - just awful. I know that I am depressed. As for the PA - it is not an emotional thing - we are not emotionally invovled - just a now and again physical thing. I am not proud of it but it distracts me. I will probably drop it altogether - it is not that important to me. It is not an issue in my marriage. And it has no future or anything like that.

If I sound very negative, that is because we had yet another argument yesterday. Will it never end? Am I not entitled to happiness too? It has been so long since I felt happy that I have forgotten what it feels like. And i worry that I may never feel it again. Sorry so long.

Argh, I typed this yesterday right before my computer crashed.

((((ARGH))))

Looks like the relationship was doomed before y'all got married. But from the description you give of yourself at this particular time, I would suggest not making any life altering decisions. I would hope that you would get into counc immediately. Not to try to save your marriage but to try to save yourself. To get to the root cause of some of these behaviors.

If your husband knows of all of your infidelities and is still around then he surely must have some love for you.

I'd also be curious to know what are his top "Emotional Needs". You say that yours is physical affection, namely sex, but could it be that your not meeting his needs therefore he’s not meeting his.

I don't want to throw a stone or anything but I would find it hard to get aroused by a depressed, addictive person who has had multiple affairs.

Whatever happens with your marriage is second fiddle right now to you getting some help.

Hugs, thoughts, & Prayers

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong> Not to try to save your marriage but to try to save yourself.

I don't want to throw a stone or anything but I would find it hard to get aroused by a depressed, addictive person who has had multiple affairs.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you LostHusband for you hugs and your advice. I have come to the same conclusion. I need to work on me and just forget all about this marriage.

To clarify - it is not multiple affairs - but one person - with whom I have an occasional physical interaction - there is no long winded emotional affair attached to it.

As to his lack of interest, it is not a recent thing, but something that has been there since the second yr of our relationship. Initially, I naively thought that I loved him so much nothing else mattered and we would work through it. I do not doubt that now he certainly finds it difficult to be aroused by an angry, bitter, disappointed, depressed woman. I certainly know that I have no more attraction to him. It just died this year. So I will no longer be initiating and "forcing him" to have sex so we wont be together physically anymore. Mostly I did it because I was afraid to lose the physical connection but there is no point to it.

And yes, I probably no longer meet his ENs, I met them for 10 yrs that is why he had no idea that our separation was coming - because he was totally happy as I was meeting all his ENs. But I cannot do it anymore. I am out of energy for him.

I am depressed, as I am sure that he is. But I am not responsible for his happiness. Somehow I have always put myself in that role. I have been depressed for years now. I feel as if I have sacrificed myself for him. The time has come for me to look to my own happiness. And no, I am not refering to the PA. I know that that is a temporary lift. I know I have serious issues. I know I need to fix my life and I am going to do it. I will try to support him as best as I can but my focus is on me now.

I am ready to step out from this negativity. I do not know if I will ever find happiness, and contentment and peace in my soul. But at least I know that if I do not try I will be stuck in this misery forever.

thank you again.

(((Argh)))

When you mentioned your fear of being alone, this story immediately came to mind and quite frankly has been stuck in my head since yesterday. If your religous, it's a reminder that you will never be alone if you have faith. If your not religous, it's a neat story about a believer.

Footprints In The Sand

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Accross the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him, and the other belonged to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during
the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it is then that I carried you."

Author Unkown