I have a vey long story, but I will try to shorten it. My husband and I have been married for 16 years, together for 18years. For the past 1 1/2 we have drifted apart. As a result of this, I got involved with another (my H doesn't know about this). My H isn't good at the emotional things. Anyway, I moved into my own apartment this past Saturday. I was expecting to be so relieved. Relieved I am not. What I am is confused and very emotional. I keep wondering if I would have tried harder to make it work if it weren't for the other man. My H and I still talk, we have a daughter and he is being very nice and thoughtful. I don't want to move back, but I don't want a divorce either. I am still seeing the other man and find myself being very frustrated with him and wondering if I made a huge mistake. Please tell me your thoughts. Am I just afraid, or should I try to talk with my husband and try to re-build a marriage that was once great? Or, should I explore my freedom and start a new. VERY CONFUSED. Called a counselor today, going next week.

Ok, you are very confused and rightfully so. . .
Welcome to Marriage Builders. First, this sight is based upon people wanting to work efficiently towards maintaining romantic love.

First of all, you need to take all responsiblity for your actions. Do not blame any of your running away actions on your husband. . .

Second, you need to understand yourself, and what you expected from marriage, and what you expected from life.

Third, most affairs and rebound marriages have a higher FAILURE rate because people do not understand themselves or fix themselves to be worthy partners, and also, do not make good decisions when they are under stress. . . .

so right now, you are statistically going to be striking out for the second or third time. . .

BUT, don't stop talking with your husband, AND start reading up on the EN Emotional Needs board to understand what you were missing from your marriage that you ran to someone else to get a fill up. . .. because unless there is drugs, alcohol, or domestic violence, most problems are solvable, and if they are not, you will not regret your actions. . . right now, you are regretting your actions, as you should. . .

Finally. . . since statistically, this new relationship has an estimated shelf life of about 6 months, why don't you consider icing it until you figure yourself out, and your marriage out?
Making major decisions like this when so confused generally is not a very successful practice, would you agree? and maybe to make sure that you are correct, maybe after you read up on this site everything you can, and after you read, "His Needs, Her Needs" you can understand what needs you have that you didn't realize you needed filled? Then maybe, you can counsel with steve or jennifer harley here to make sure that you have given you marriage one last chance with all the information you have. . .

OK, there are many reasons why people run off and have affairs, if you want to read about them, read "Private Lies", by Dr. Frank Pittman. . . excellent book.

One of the reasons that he uncovers is if you are repeating a pattern from your family of origin? do you come from a family where affairs were common? where communication was difficult? where honesty was not practiced?

Lastly, don't be surprised if you get flamed because people here put marriage as number ONE priority especially with children. . .

so now, tell us more so that we can help. At least someone here or on emotional needs has been in your shoes, and can point you in the right direction.

wiftty

PS, as long as you are searching for your own answers, and seek counseling for yourself, and then seek marriage counseling to give the marriage good, last, complete chance without any disctractions, meaning you ice the new guy, then i won't flame you. . . . but you might be if you are a cakewoman. . . .

Wifty,

I am greatful for your response. And to be honest with you I deserve to be flamed. I have made some decision that I am not proud of. I only wish that I had found this website sooner. I never wanted my marriage to fail and I really can't imagine my life without my Husband in it. I am trying to come to terms with my choices and make the right decisions for all envolved. I know that mentally I am in no position to make any more choices because I am clearing messed up right now, but I am trying to fix this mess. I have printed the Basic Concepts and spent some time on this site. I am hoping that this site and counsel will help be understand my distructive behaver and help me to effect change. I just hope that it isn't too late!!

Confused887,

wiftty is right, right, right! Read everything you can on this site and get to work. It won't be easy but by the sound of your post, you want your marriage. I doubt you'll get flamed much since you're here asking for advice on how to fix things.

Now, first things first...cut all ties to the OM. You won't be able to fix your marriage with him in the picture.

Lots of luck to you!
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Of ocurse, you made a hugh mistake. By becoming involved with the other man you started withdrawing emotionally from your husband and instead of addressing the issues in your marriage your focus has been on building a relationship with this new stud. If you had a great marriage over 16 years out of a 18 year relationship than does it not stand to reason that what you are doing makes no sense. That is why you are feeling confused. Unfortunately, this affair and moving out into your new apartment causes events to unfold which can result in your husband divorcing you. Your husband is not stupid. He probably feels in his gut that you are having an affair. Once he confirms this than all hell will break loose. He will feel no obligation to be faithful to you and begin dating other women. The mess that you have created will take on a life of it's own and the end-result will be that you will be divorced. If you think you are feeling confused now just think what you are going to feel when you see that a marriage that was once great is now over.

Latest update. I broke things off with the OM and my husband and I had a long talk last night. We have agreed to give this marriage our all. We are going to read/explore this site together and take one day at a time. Thank you for your sturn remarks and kind words. Prayer Works!!!!