Well hello everyone I thought that I would share with you what has been going on with me this last week or so.... I think for some reason I am finally accepting the fact that I am divorced... I am ok with it... I have been detaching myself from my ex and you know what half of the time I don't even know that I am doing it... I can actually hang up the phone when he is being mean to me and not break down anymore - which you know is a huge step.... I have been somewhat dating someone who is also getting a divorce - so I am very aware that we are only friends and are probably gonna stay that way but it is nice to have someone to talk to and spend time with that understands the pain..I haven't called my ex all week about anything at all - and he has called me a couple of times - calls that in my opinion didn't have to be made but I handled them like I didn't give a crap - and you know what I really didn't...He is still not seeing the kids as much as I would think that he should but you know what I have accepted that and I realize that it is his loss and I have no control over anything. I have come to the conclusion that I am really a codependent person - and I have been reading up on it... I am realizing that I do not need to feel bad about what is happening to him in his life - though he blames everything that he did on me - I know that is just his way of being able to sleep at night - I have to get over the fact - that yes he maybe mad at me - or yes he may be the biggest idiot alive to throw away his family - but you know what that isn't my problem - And that is the new journey that I must start on - realizing that I had no control over this - and that yes I am not perfect but I didn't deserve this to happen to me - and more than anything I deserve to be happy.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So for me this is a good week - it must be the sun... I hope that everything starts turning around for everyone else... I really don't know how I would have gotten through all of this without alot of the people here - Most people think I am nuts when I say that a group of strangers have helped me the most.... But it is true and most of you probably agree with me... So smile this will start to look up soon....

Thanks for the positive update! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

That's good news Maw - I'm so glad for you. I do understand how very difficult this has been for you. Maybe it is the sun!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I know sunny days help me tremendously.

I hope that soon I can detach a bit more...tonight my one daughter came home from a visit with her father to help her with taxes. She reiterated to him that if the OW is with him, she will not visit or have anything to do with him..he asked how she could hate someone who means so much to him!!! Might as well stab me with the knife...what about his wife of 29 years, the mother of his children, and all the rest?? Sorry, I needed to vent that.

I'm proud of your continued detachment progress and I hold to it, that someday I too will be there. Thanks for sharing that!! I'm also glad you have someone to share companionship with. It's encouraging and important. Take care.

maw, you too? I could "ditto" just about everything you said. And, yes, isn't it crazy that we can get so much support from each other when we don't even know each other? For myself, I think that because I feel "safe" here, I'm able to share more honestly than I can almost anywhere else. I also go to 3-4 Al-Anon meetings a week, but everyone there hasn't been through what we're going through here. One blessing of this experience is that I have closer and more honest relationships than I've ever had in my life.

Yesterday I had somewhat of an epiphany and realized that for the first time I could actually say that I no longer love my H. I don't hate him either. I'm angry at him, I feel sorry for him, but mostly I just feel nothing for him. Why I still loved him for so long, despite how horribly he treated me, is a mystery to me, but I've ever so gradually fallen out of love with him.

No contact works! I'm not divorced yet, but I had to get some detachment before I could feel emotionally capable of tolerating the inevitable emotional assault. I used no contact in the MB way to preserve whatever love I had left, but since my H has no interest in restoring our marriage or getting sober and divorce seems inevitable, this process has allowed me to gradually detach.

I actually feel relief that after years of unfaithfulness, lies, substance abuse, verbal and emotional abuse, 2 years and 4 months after he moved out, 2 years after he moved back home, then kicked me AND THE KIDS out and moved the OW in the next day, almost 1 year after promising on our tenth anniversary that he would get sober and come home, I am finally able to move on.

I know that God can work miracles, but maybe the "miracle" God has in store for me is something other than restoration of marriage with a man who has beaten me down emotionally and spiritually for 20 years.

Topie - thank you for reading - I know one day you will also be through all of this and happy...
Brokenx3 - we are alot a like I would have thought the knife in the heart also and what about me - but you know what for some strange reason I am starting to put a new spin on those feelings and I am thinking gee I feel sorry for him - He is loosing his children he isn't even aware - and for what - some other woman who is never going to treat him as nice as we have all of these years... I to also feel - how can he just drop his feelings for me - then I start to question did he ever really have feelings for me - etc... And I start to drive myself crazy - that is what I am trying to control - I am ok - I Just wanted to post that because the good days will eventually outweigh the bad just as everyone has always told us...
Letstry - good for you - you sound like you are on your road to recovery also - I just feel the need to post when I make a huge step in the right direction - I know I will have setbacks - but I think with me realizing that I have done everything and am accepting that it is finally over - and most importantly I have decided that I deserve to be happy - my girls deserve a happy mom.... So good luck to you also - it is quite a journey - I found a great quote in my codependency book - and I am going to write it down here but I forgot it - I will do it tonite - it is wonderful... Thank you for your reply....

Maw, So glad you are doing so good.

I have been in a similar situaion. Detaching and no contact is best. I too hang p the phone the second H gets belligerent or abusive with me. I put up with it for 26 years, and if he has to call my home for any reason he will treat me with respect or we will not deal wit him on any level/

Funny..my kids will also not accept other woman..on any level. They said that if H attempts in any way for a meeting or anything else, they will cut off all contact with him.

But on the other hand they are actually supportive of me dating and want to see me happy. They said that if there is anyone that I would want them to meet, they would accept that and they know my judgement is good (ha in spite of disastrous mistake I made 26 years ago...I guess I learned alot and grew up alot since then)

Did have a set back the other day, but you know as well as I that they will happen here and there. The good thing is the setbacks are getting farther and farther apart, and last for shorter times.

The sunny days help...but there are days that I feel like its sunny...but its raining out!!!Keep the sunshine inside of you!!!

My psychologist released me last week after only 6 months. She feels Im doing great. I told her..you know honestly, I cant remember the last time I cried! (well, I already told you I had set back this week, so I cried some..but like in al-anon..one day at a time.) and today is sunny.....Even though it is raining out!!!!

Have a good day

Smiles,
Dawn

Dawn - well you sound like you are doing well also - I like the sunshine within - that is really what I want - and I know that no one can help me get that - that is up to me - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and I am thinking that finally I am heading down the right path... My girls though only 10 and almost 13 also want me to go out with someone - but they don't want to meet anyone their dad goes out with - they know he left - and though they don't hate him they are not to fond of him right now - but I think alot of that has to do with my almost teenagers age - and the fact that their dad lies to them and they know it - they are pretty smart... I know that I am not ready for any kind of serious relationship but I hope to be someday... And as for the last time I cried well you know what I could tell you exactly it was two weeks ago today - but you know what it used to be so many that I couldn't even keep track - so that is a positive sign for me... And the no contact with him is definately what is helping me - So we will all survive of that I am sure - and hopefully we will all find that much deserved happiness of course that is after we find the sunshine within <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just a little footnote to the recent posts I saw here...about the kids and the OW...my IC told me and my stbxh this past summer, at separate sessions, that children, especially daughters, historically do notever accept the OW as their father's new companion if the divorce is the result of an affair with her. In virtually every case.

Now I know that only makes good common sense to us but to the WS, they are the exception to the rule. In my case, my stbxh expected the girls to be upset, but then come around. My girls hate this woman and want nothing to do with her or him if he is with her.

The OW told him, what does this counselor know anyway??? Their love is unique and give the kids time, they'll come to accept them.

Maybe, but at this point, I doubt it. Just a little footnote! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

brokenx3 - I definately agree with you - my girls only want me to be happy - they know how badly I was hurt by their dad and in their eyes I can do better now - as long as they approve you know.... Which that would play a huge part in any permanent relationship that I ever had... My ex also thinks that his girls will come around but I will tell you if it is the lady next door - they will never come around - and you know his relationship with them wasn't perfect to begin with - but now it is on shaky ground - and I am done trying to fix it... It is up to the three of them - I am not going to feel bad about it anymore...It is not my job.... Your girls are older right???

I too am trying to accept that I am now divorced. One week until my ex and I move out of our house and go our separate ways. Just thinking about that is scaring the beejebers out of me.

A good friend of mine told me about a song she heard on the radio that made her think about me. Its by Shania Twain and is called "Up". I went out and bought the CD and played the song in my car. I smiled as soon as I heard it. I am not a big Shania Twain fan but this song really sums it all up. Here are some words from the song:

"It's bout as bad as it could be"
"Seems everybody's buggin me"
"Like nothing wants to go my way"
"yeah, it just ain't been my day"
"Nothin's comin' easily"
"I just wanna disappear"

"Up - up - up -"
"Can only go up from here"

"When everything is goin' wrong"
"Don't worry, it won't last for long"
"Yeah, it's all gonna come around"
"Don't go let it get you down"
"You gotta keep on holding on"

Well that's some of the song but you get the idea. Any time I feel down, I put this CD on and it cheers me right up.

Hope this helps!

It is good to hear that there is recovery and the strong painful feelings begin to lessen. I had a great month then two weeks ago, a couple of triggers brought on the grief (refinancing and finality of loosing my house and doing income tax). I think the only thing I am dealing with now is grief (loosing husb, house, cats, etc). Been cryin alot but do feel it is working it's way out.

I, too, feel that my one son would not have any invovlement with OW. He hates her and did so before she was his father's mistress....she is younger than him. He would never tolerate her prescence at all. Other son would take no interest in the OW but he would probably be willing to meet her. After 2 yrs come this April of WS/OW involvement together, no family or friends have seen or met her. I do believe she is a trinket or toy that he hides in a closet and brings out to make him feel good or young.

I start to question did he ever really have feelings for me - etc... And I start to drive myself crazy - that is what I am trying to control

Maw, this can be a biggee for me, too and some days it is so hard to fight these thoughts. Accepting that M is finally over is where the freedom comes in. For the first time in my life, I do not want to have contact or talk to my WS. I think, though, what brings me down is that there may be still a lingering speck of hope that a miracle will happen and WS will change his ways.
There are some needed thoughts for me here so thanks everybody.

TW

Babytoluv and Tossedwave - thank you for your responses - babytoluv I like Shania but I haven't heard her new CD I will have to check it out - and tossedwave you are right you start doing really good - than bam it is right back at you - I have been doing good for one week - now that is like a record for me - but I am really feeling like I am making progress - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> finally - OK so I wanted to write this passage from my Beyond Codependency book - here goes -
"Recovery is a healing and spiritual process. It's also a journey, not a destination. We travel a path from self-neglect into self-responsibility, self-care and self-love. Like other journeys, it's one of moving forward, taking detours, backtracking, getting lost, finding the way again, and accoasionally stopping to rest. Unlike other journeys, we can't travel it by forcing the next foot forward. It is a gentle journey, traveled by discipline, and by accepting and celebrating where we are in that journey today. Where we are today is where we're meant to be. It's where we need to be to get to where we're going tomorrow. And that place we're going tomorrow will be better than any we've been before..."
OK so what do you think - does that give us all hope - that we must get through all of this to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was just wondering, what is co-dependency? I always thought it was an addition to a drug or stimulant. I was being verbally abused by my ex. Does that mean that I am co-dependent?

Thanks!

I feel so encouraged to read everyone above posts feelings and struggles. My what courageously strong women you all are!!!! Brave and loving to the core!!!!!

I know my emotions girate when my STBX leaves other women's bra
s condomns and panties lying around his bedroom for our kids to see. Or the letter he leaves on blanantly on his truck seat to send to his 3 cousin that he has been sleeping with since the summer stationed two hours away for his weekend romps play. Then of course all his other younger of women is also sleeping with he proudly displays their phone numbers on his cell phone which he allowed my daughter to get used to.

My kids hearts break when they pick up our family photo album and find photos of his cousin inside and on his bookself, next to his bible and the and he just tell them that these are simply women are simply friends who are merely nice to him.

On other days he tells my son that enjoys having his variety of women and how he should of been divorced from years to ago because he has been seriously missing out on the abundance of pleasure.

Of course then he tries to look really sophiscated by zipping off to Europe to have more affairs with the support of his sister/husband.
I think eight years ago was the last time we went on a family vactation because of all the budget constraints but he has tons of monies to spend on sking, tennis, bars, travel, entertaining his women.

My these emotions of rejections are difficult to work through....

Sad thing is STBX thinks he is giving appropiate hints and being senistive by leaving these photos, and etc all around the house.

I must be healing though. Today I ended up behind in traffic one of our neighbors that he was having an affair with the summer before. As my vechile pulled up to her at the stop light I didn't react or I just ignored her and drove past her. I didn't care..... yes that part will feel goes.

Now how will I react when he introduces our kids to his cousin or other women is entirely a different questions. Do the kids really need to accept these women can they do not have a seperate relationship with their dad?

I feel by exposing the kids to these bimbo's they are too being further degraded and disrespected.

Any thoughts.

My prayers are for the courage- I can't imagine how it must feel to let the kids go over while daddy is involved with someelse. How cruel and sick.

Babytoluv - Codependent is alot like enabling - when I read the first book - Codependency No More by Melody Beattie it was like reading my life story - the codependent person tries to fix everyone else and basically forgets about themselves in the process - alot of alcholics or abusive people are married to codeependents because we are always trying to fix them... That is what we do best - you really must read that book - Now Mayflower - I don't think that children should be exposed to any of this - that is the one thing my husband does not do is expose his life to the girls - Though I have other problems with him - he acts you know just about their age - saying if you don't love me then I am not buying you a birthday present - I mean - this is a difficult situation for us as the betrayed spouse but imagine being a child in this mess.... yikes... I am glad that you drove by the neighbor and didn't even care - I happen to live next to the one that had and maybe is still having the affair - and you know what I just keep hoping she is gonna move away - I want to be able to walk out of my house and not care about her..... I can hope....