Well, I've done all that I can. I have plan A'ed out the ying-yang. Despite this, STBXH continues to play mindgames with me and his thoughtlessness has done me in. To me, it's crossed into emotional abuse and I can't take it anymore. The lies and the secrets continue to burn through me and I told him that I've had enough.

He is moving out this Saturday so that I can stay here until the end of the school year. Then I will be moving closer to my family an hour and a half away. As a last ditch attempt to get me to stay, he told me to ask him any question I wanted to and he would answer it honestly this time. I told him that I am no longer interested in asking him the same questions anymore. After 7 years of trying to get an honest answer out of him and after 7 years of him looking me directly in the eye and lying, I no longer care what the answer is and I no longer trust him for the most basic truth.

I have finally let go of the hope that things will be better. While I still love him and I will always care for him, I know that I can not live with him nor can I continue to have him as my husband. I am not superhuman and I can not give endlessly while being crapped on in return. For my sanity and my peace of mind, I have to move on with my life without him.

Even though I am confident in my decision, it's still killing me inside. I'm very scared about what the future holds. I'm scared about the move. I'm scared about everything. I remember now what held me in this marriage for so long. It was fear of all of the uncertainties of being a single parent.

He is very unhappy about my decision to move closer to my family, but he made his decisions. Now I'm making mine. The only people I know here are members of his family. My family is being very supportive and I need them. There are too many bad memories here. There is not a single place that I can go without seeing a trigger or without running into some of the OW or without being confronted with gossip mongers eager to tell me all about what H is doing. I hate this place and I will never live here again.

STBXH asked me to consider taking him back someday when he could get his act together. I told him not to hold his breath. I'm going to see a lawyer next week to file the separation papers. He is going to buy out my interest in our home and I'm going to use that money to get myself another place closer to family.

I really dread all of the stuff I have to do. I've been such an emotional mess. He told me that was a wonderful wife, but that he was just a jerk and he didn't realize what he had until he lost it. Great. Now I need to get him out of my system and try to get back on emotionally healthy ground. That's going to be a chore.

Am i correct in that you have no kids?

if not, then don't look back, and never take him back. . . look at it as a practice marraige run. . .

learn to live alone and be independent, and you will be much happier. . .

wiftty

WhenIFindTheTime,

We have three kids. His, mine, and ours. I have done my best to work this out, but I don't see it happening. Even for the kids, we could not work it out. I will have to see him regularly for our daughter, but the marital emotional ties will be gone. I still care for him as a person and I wish him the best.

I suppose I am still waivering between making this a Plan B or going ahead with a divorce. It's a tough decision, but I'm planning for divorce. I just hope I can stay strong enough to handle it without caving. So far, so good.

Well, H is moving out today instead of tomorrow. He decided that he can't watch me hurt anymore as a result of his thoughtless acts. I'm relieved and sad at the same time. I'm going to go to my sister's house while he packs and he's suppose to be gone before I come back. I suppose I should go to the Plan B forum because I wrote him a Plan B letter. I've done all I can do. It's up to him now if he wants to be married to me. We have agreed to re-evaluate the separation at the end of 5 weeks to see if we want to make it a permanent separation. It's been very hard on me to even get this far so I'm not going to beat myself up for leaving the door of possibility open for another 5 weeks. I'll just have to see what happens because it will take an extraordinary miracle (no halfway crap) to change my mind. Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out here.

Lorac---you are taking a big step. I do see that you have no alternative and you need PROOF that he can change things to committment, honesty and working together. Don't stay in pain with no proof. But don't take big steps (i.e. divorce)....take it slow and take a step at a time. Clarity will come and decisions will unfold as you take each step.

One of our very human basic needs is Survival. We stay in the worst situations cause of this need. Dr Phil said "If you have gotten so distorted in your thinking as to believe, for example, that you just couldn't go on living without the prescence of your spouse, then the survival need would motivate you to do or tolerate amazingly irrational things in order to 'survive'." This hit home for me. I had so much fear of leaving my WS and my home that I had to go on Celexa to do it. I did not sleep for weeks til I took those anti-depressants so I guess my need for survival was bigger than I realized.

I moved out 11/2002. I am paying my bills just fine now, I have weathered some car repairs, I have made some decisions alone, I have peace of mind, and I am enjoying my freedom to find MY way. The only thing that trips me up right now is grief. So be prepared to mourn and greive the loss of your M and family unit. It is normal and natural function when you loose something of value but be careful cause grief is powerful and can be misdiagnosed.

The words to this song bring me so much comfort and strength. It is called GOD IS FAITHFUL by Sheila Walsh:

Are you weary
Are you frightened
When you go to bed
Do you leave the light on
When the cold wind blows to disturb your peace
Do you lock the door so no one else can see

Broken promises have left their mark on you
In your unbelief one thing you must hold on to

When the road becomes too rough
When you're ready to give up
When you're crying out for love
GOD IS FAITHFFUL
When your peace cannot be found
He will never let you down
You have chosen solid ground
GOD IS FAITHFUL

No one said it would be easy
To let go of all the worry
But it can be done
He has paid the price
And His mercy runs to every broken life
We will never be worthy of His healing
But all He asks of you is that you will be willing

CHORUS AGAIN

Hope you find strength and comfort for the days ahead...you have done all that you can do. Live and let live. I pray that you will find your way surrounded by God's grace

TW

Lorac - How did it go? How are YOU?

Blessings,

D.

Bumping up to see how you are doing, Lorac?

Things have been really weird. On one hand, I feel such a huge sense of relief at not having to go through the daily stress of being around him. On the other hand, I am dealing with the grief and trying to get a grip on my emotions. It's really hard to pull back emotionally from a marriage that I've poured my entire existance into for so long. But it's also been amazingly empowering to take my life back into my own hands.

I'm not sleeping well at all if you can tell by the time stamp on this post. H and I did have a chance to talk some today when my vehicle broke down and left me stranded with our daughter. It was then that I couldn't hold it together anymore and just broke down bawling. H knew that I was suppose to be going to the laundromat because my washing machine bit the dust last week. When he saw that I wasn't there, he got worried and left work to help me out. I was trying to fix it myself but I didn't have the tools with me or the parts and I couldn't go get them. He went and got the parts and the tools and fixed it himself. This was an absolute first all the way around. I couldn't help but smile when he asked me if he made any kind of love deposit when he was leaving.

Prior to this, H had been resistant to leaving his job where he still works with the FOW (plural). He had been dead set against moving close to my family. Now he wholeheartedly supports getting a different job and moving away from here even though it means moving away from his family. I thanked him for letting me know and told him that I was afraid that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and reminded him that there was a lot more that needed to happen before I was ready to discuss a future with him in it. We parted with a nice hug.

I can tell that I am feeling stronger even though I am still a mess. I know that I will need every single day of these 5 weeks to heal myself. I do want PROOF that he going to be able to meet my needs without the flood of love busters. I'm still not sure which way is up, but I feel as though I'm headed in the right direction.

lorac,

actions not just words. Believe me I am posting those words because I need to hear then too!

D.

I need even more than just actions. I need consistency in those actions before I can trust that they are there to stay instead of being done just to get me back.

I found out last night that one of the FOW is gloating over the fact that H is separated now and has been bragging about how she dumped him. I don't think that it is anything to brag about given that you have to have been willing to be with a man who you knew was involved with another woman (his wife) in the first place. That's not even mentioning the 3 other women he was involved with at the same time. It's amazing what some people find to be proud about in even the most prideless of situations. It makes me wonder what the other 3 women he was messing around with are saying and if it as equally malicious and spiteful as this one's comments. It's funny how short her memory is and how she has conveniently forgotten that everyone witnessed who did what and how things turned out, but I guess she has to do something to try to preserve her ego. It must hurt to realize that he doesn't want to be with her even though W is out of the picture.

It must stink to be H and have to continue to go to work every day around the same women (plural) that he messed around with. No wonder he is willing to quit his job and move. It seems that he is getting a good dose of the thorns that come along with the roses and he is seeing how bitter and vendictive his FOW actually are. I'm not biting though. He made his mess and it's his responsibility to handle the aftermath and clean-up.

When H was bringing back our daughter last night, he told me that he missed me and that he wanted to come home. Even his tears weren't enough and I stood firm. I told him that I loved him and missed him, but that he knew what I needed from him before I would want him to come home. I am very proud for standing my ground. H and I have never separated ever so this is difficult, but not impossible. If he can't manage the challenge of meeting my conditions for taking him back, then he can't manage the harder challenge of keeping me if I do take him back.

Despite how strong I sound, sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and say to heck with it all, to walk away and never look back. Right now is one of those times. But I'm holding off on making that decision until the end of April regardless of what happens during this period. Maybe a month isn't long enough, but I feel it should be long enough to get a better feel for what I want to do even if it means that I decide to put off making any life altering decisions for a little while longer. Either way, I am still moving away from this awful place.

lorac
i do so admire you, your strength, your ability to be so strong through this...when i first read your post, i thought you must be going through the same exact thing that i am and it touched a chord within me

my h left 3 months ago...the difference is that i have not been strong but weak because i want him back so bad...i have told him what it will take to get me back and he continues to dwaddle and postpone it, and yet i continue to see him and spend time with him, so there is no incentive..

i wish i had your strength...hang in there

Inturmoil

Don't be fooled by my posts. I'm not as strong as they sound. It took 6+ years of being cheated on and 8 months of intense Plan A-ing for me to get to this point where I am wanting to move on with my life regardless of whether or not it is with or without my marriage. Because I did what I felt was a really good Plan A, I do not have a doubt that I have done absolutely everything within my power to save and improve my marriage. Because of the Plan A, I rebuilt my confidence in myself. At first, I Plan A'ed for him and my marriage. Somewhere along the way, the Plan A became for me and my personal growth.

Even then, it took me a lot of anguish and sleepless nights to actually move on and separate. I'm still scared out of my mind, but I'm doing what I know I need to do in order to be true to myself. One way or another, I am going to have the happiness that I deserve. I still have a lot of grief over the loss of the dream. But I want to build better dreams so letting go of the old ones is a part of that, but it still hurts.

For a long time, I didn't give my H any incentive either. Don't beat yourself up. It's a process and you will get stronger before you know it. It takes hitting your own personal emotional bottom with your H's actions. It hit what I thought was rock bottom many times and continued to dig my way down in the hope that things would get better. Sooner or later, the only way to go is up. Just like me, you have strength and determination in your desire to get him back. That same strength and determination will serve you well once you hit your emotional botton with his actions and simply can't take anymore. (((hugs))))

Grr! H just came over again which is really making me unhappy. I have a boundary and he keeps crossing it just because he "misses" me. What is the point of being separated if he is going to come and go whenever he wants. Today was just too much and I had words with him about it. I told him that I did not want him coming over unless it was during agreed upon pick up and drop off times for our daughter. I told him to not call unless he was calling to talk about our daughter or if it was an emergency.

He wasn't happy about it, but this is one of the many consequences of his actions. Just because he is now willing to meet a few of the conditions for me taking him back (quitting his job and moving away), he acts like I should be laying out the red carpet for him. Until he can meet the other conditions, I'm not prepared to take him back.

His expectations are premature at best. Even when the A's are finished up and cleaned up, he has to demonstrate that he is thoughtful and considerate of my feelings in all matters, is overcoming his thoughtless habits, is able to meet my emotional needs, and can apply POJA across the board. I know this is a tall order, but I expect all of this out of any marriage that I am in.

It's nice to know that he misses me and wants our marriage, missing and wanting are not enough. It's time for action and I'm not settling. Man, I am being such a B*TCH, but enough is enough. I'm starting to get mad about it. He's pushing for something that he hasn't earned yet and I think it shocked the pee out of him when I pushed back and stood firm. I'm glad too because he needs to be shocked. I'm not a pushover. If I lose him because of it, good riddence.

It wasn't easy. I have to keep telling myself how can he respect me more if I don't respect myself enough to stand up for what I know I deserve. In a perfect world, everyone would all live happily ever after. Makes me want to shred my daughter's Cinderella movie.

Lorac---I am amazed at how your situation sounds like mine. For a year, my H cried that he missed me, wanted to come home, said he was a jerk, did not appreciate me like he should, I was wonderful blah blah blah. My Pastor said and others on this board said, that words are cheap and there had to be proof that WS was willing to change. Well he came home on May 18 of last year and I just decided to ride by OW's apt on the 17th and there he was---THE NIGHT BEFORE HE WAS GOING BACK TO HIS WIFE. But because there was still contact with OW, WS was unable and unwilling to work at anything. Now that I left, he understands my decision and does not constantly try to yo-yo me back and forth. He drinks and I find when he is drinking he is melancholy and can bait me with false proposals but when sober he is non-committal. Your firmness is commendable and when I became firm was when I felt good about myself.

You have a hard road ahead of you but you are right in wanting him to show himself before you reconcile. Flopping back and forth was the worst thing, I think, to go through. Limboland is exhausting and not good for your health. If he decides he wants the M back on track, he will do all possible and you will see the evidence.

There is such peace living away from the suspicions, secrets, lies, and non-committment. The grief is real and strong but a piece of cake compared to watching the infidelity from a front row seat.

Hang in there and keep your head above the "water"

TW