OY Gevalt!

Whoever prayed for snow, YOU CAN STOP NOW!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

We have had "The Storm of the Century" here in Denver, which would be a lot more funny if it wasn't true, and now it's snowing again tonight!! Big fat flakes, though, so I don't think it'll last very long. Anyway, I have 36 inches of the white stuff piled up atop my inground pool walls, and it looks...well...indescribable. The drifts are taller than I am (which, according to me children is not saying much), but thankfully, today, we were able to burrow out and get to the local McDonald's!!! haha. Now I know how those poor Donner Party people felt--anything to get out of the house and eat some meat! (oooooo--sick, CJ!)

Anyway, I wanted to give you'all a bit of a sad update. My stbxH continues to choose to live in his addiction to sex and affairs, and it just makes me sad that he would rather lose me and the kids than face his own issues. During the snowstorm, I broke the Plan B/no contact--of course, I could give you 100 reasons, but in the end the fact is because I chose to...probably more because of my own fears than anything. Nonetheless, we were in contact and he told me that he wanted to work it out with me and that he loved me and would do anything (blah, blah, blah). Well, I'm at least not so naive as to fall COMPLETELY for that sweet-talk--so in a more calm moment I put together 8 things I would need to see that would indicate the relationship was in a place to consider reconciliation:

1)Willingly go to treatment and commit to a program of recovery for sex addiction and abusive behavior.
2)I must be in therapy and a support group program too (such as S-Anon and/or a support group for domestic violence victims).
3)A clear track record of non-abusive behavior for a pre-determined length of time (such as, a year).
4)A verifiable commitment to attending therapy or 12 Step group (attendance could be verified).
5)A coordinated effort of joint therapy involving both of us--NOT marriage counseling, joint therapy.
6)An acceptance by the abuser of the consequences of his actions--personal responsibility.
7)A clear and earnest effort to make amends to ALL who have been hurt by his choices.
8)An agreement to ZERO-TOLERANCE of the old behavior (both affairs AND raging).

Sadly, he was unwilling to agree to these 8 things. He wanted to try to negotiate his way out of several of them because he just didn't see a need for them. From there it degraded into "it's always got to be your way or no way" and "you are demanding I do this relationship your way" and "those are YOUR definitions of a healthy relationship and you're shoving them down my throat" and then into hanging up and blame.

It's sad, isn't it?

I know...I know. I made a mistake allowing contact at all. I've caught him at 13 affairs...he's gone out to dinner twice with a lady from his "support group" and hides his emails and cell phone calls--yet claims nothing's going on...he's been ragingly abusive for 15 years... HE HAS HAD PLENTY OF CHANCES! IF HE HAD EVER BEEN SINCERE, HE WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT IT BY NOW. I know this. And I wasn't entirely sucked in--just a little part of me wished he meant it but knew he didn't. Know what I mean?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I received a good email from a friend though, with some excellent advice for people like me. Stop waiting for the miracle. That's not to say it won't happen one day--just stop sitting around hoping for it. Keep living the life I'm supposed to lead, and keep doing what I know I need to do--and if some day the miracle happens that will be nice. Meanwhile, I'll be living the life I'm intended to lead.

Well, I'm sick of snow, and if I ever have to shovel again, I'm going to have to kill someone. Can you spell "B-A-H-A-M-A-S"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CJ

CJ - the part of this post that talks about your stbxh sounds just like something I've read before. I think it was posted by someone who's user name is FaithfulWife. Your guy sounds just like the one she's been talking about for several years.

I think these guys are never going to change. Never going to get better. Never going to see that they engage in hurtful, destructive behaviour. Never going to be the men their wives want.

So, the next time you need to be told you're doing ok, you need to reach out to someone else. We're always here for you.

In the meantime, it was 75 degrees today. Smelled like spring. Bradford pear and Japanese magnolia trees in bloom. Little wildflowers in bloom. Nice breeze. Spring is here! At least in Middle TN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong> ... I think these guys are never going to change. Never going to get better. Never going to see that they engage in hurtful, destructive behaviour. Never going to be the men their wives want... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what, your royal highness, I do know this. It is slowly sinking into my skin.

I had a friend write me an EXCELLENT email the other day that basically said (I'm paraphrasing here): Stop waiting for the miracle. That's not to say it won't happen...someday...maybe...but for now, stop hoping for it. Keep living the life you know you need to live--be the person you know you need to be--and then that way you are living the life you were intended to live. If the miracle ever happens, THEN you have a decision to make, but until then, live YOUR life.

I loved that. DING-DING-DING. Right on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> So, the next time you need to be told you're doing ok, you need to reach out to someone else. We're always here for you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, your majesty, you are too kind! Once again, slowly but surely it is sinking into my skin that I'm doing OK, so it's better for me if get that affirmation from myself. However, I've also learned how invaluable friends can be--good, trustworthy, lady friends and not fish. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In this particular instance a)I fell off the "no contact" wagon and I need to trade in my sobriety pin. The snow was flling, I knew it would be a blizzard, we had food and movies to get through the storm, and when he called I was nervous about keeping my family safe and out of pattern that included him. SIGH. Well...live and learn. Next time there's an "act of God" or a storm of the century, NO CONTACT!!

AARRGGHH!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> In the meantime, it was 75 degrees today. Smelled like spring. Bradford pear and Japanese magnolia trees in bloom. Little wildflowers in bloom. Nice breeze. Spring is here! At least in Middle TN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, here in the wild, wild west, it was about 50 yesterday and 55 today, with mild cloud cover and some sunshine. The trees and plants were budding before the storm, so we'll see if they were insulated by the snow or now--but meanwhile, poppies are starting, snapdragons are growing, and the snow is melting. Honestly, here in Colorado, it usually does that: blizzard on Monday and all melted and gone by Friday. Of course that means...FLOOD!!! run!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

CJ

Unless you have an ark in the backyard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I think it got up to 65 today and sunny...
From the DJ T-Bird's Weather Station in Granbury, TEXAS...
Winter SUX...
Bring on the sun - big fiery and blazing hot! I stay Kool in 'de Pool!!
Harold

CJ, I know it's so hard to give up on the dream of a good marriage.....or at least a mostly peaceful one. How long have you been waiting? Putting all your efforts, hopes and dreams into it? I don't remember how old you are, but I know that on my 40th birthday I realized I'd been doing the same thing for 12 years and it WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! If I waited for the kids to be gone, they'd be screwed up kids and I"d be 50 something. There are times I"d like to contact my x, in hopes that things could be different, but because I have a no contact order against him, I can't.....and that's a good thing because it forces me to move on, to grow, to become the person I can be rather than focusing on the past.

You can do it too....you have to accept that he has chosen to live the way he is and he is NOT YOUR PROBLEM!! Time to move on with your own life!

Hugs