I don't know why I can't stop thinking about my H, I wonder if he is ok. I talked to him yesterday and he talks to me like nothing major has happened. He says its hard for him to hear my voice because it is too painful, and ends the conversation with I love you. He says he loves me but just can't handle me ragging on him anymore and that it would be best if I didn't call him. I told him fine I would not call him again. (in which I don't want to anyway but can't seem to not pick up that stupid phone) He said that he didn't mean not to call just hard for him to hear my voice, that it's too hard for him. POOR BABY!!!! I am the one that has the total responsibility for 8 kids, the bills, the house etc... he has not a care in the world but it's hard for him. Why do I feel bad for him????? UGH!!!, he left us. I filed the papers today and it was the hardest thing I ever did. I love him more than life itself but I just can't do it anymore. I just don't know why I am worrying about how he is doing?????????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says he loves me but just can't handle me ragging on him anymore </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, you need to expand on this aspect, because i interpret it as you may have run him out of the family. . .'

so can you elaborate?

wiftty

There is the possibility that you are a caregiver, Mighty One with 8 kids. And you have cared for your husband all these years, and it is hard to stop. I did for 25 years care for my husband, and kids. I don't have to take care of my husband anymore, since our divorce will be over soon. I do take care of my kids, but that is slacking off too. They are all big kids, and there is no reason why I can't do things for myself now.

The problem in most marriages, like mine, is that the husband did not respect me his wife. The kids don't respect me, and to this day, they have a hard time doing chores, and complying with things needing to get done around here.

It hurts, when your husband does the WOe is me, and he sits in his little domain, all by himself, and has nothing to worry about. You are engulfed with bodies all around you, food, bills, chores, laundry, must be enormous.

What I think you need to do, to get rid of this guilt, is have a day for yourself. I don't know if you work. But make it a day for yourself. Give chores to the kids. They can have peanut/butter sand. or grilled cheese sand. or whatever. You do something for you. Go in your room, and take a hot bath, read, call a friend. Go walking in the park, shopping with a friend.

You have devoted all your time to your family and husband. Do you see that is why you are feeling guilty. I know, I have done the same, and now that my hsuband is out, I am doing more for me. Took me a good year to get to this point. But I feel better about myself. I am stronger, and enjoy life more. I don't have to take care of him. If he asks me to fix some clothes for him or something, I will if I can. But it is no longer my responsibility. My kids, I help out too, but I say, don't you think you can handle that. Cause they can handle most of their own lives. My hsuband got up and left, and left we with all the hassles, getting chores done, and stuff.

You are feeling guilty, cause you have been giving, and giving, all these years., We women have been programmed to give. And now it is our turn. I know that if I were to ever find a spouse, which I have no want to. That he will be one that will want a marriage that is 50/50. My hsuband, didn't include me in some big decisions. And yes, I was hurt, after he told me he bought this or that. I said, what about talking to me. He said he knew I would say NO. Yes, cause I did the darn bills, and knew we shouldn't be wasting money.

Maybe, if your kids are old enough, you could have a day, like Sat. Or Sun. That they do for you. Each has a list of chores. Get them done. Tell them the reality of life, bills paid, you have a house. Not paid, you have no house. That is wehre I am now. I told the kids, they have to help. Cause I could just sell this house, and live in something that is reasonable, small, economical. I don't have to have a roof for the 3 older ones. Just the one minor child for the next 2 years.

Take this time to work on you. Do things for you, and only you. Don't talk to your hsuband. Show him that you are surviving. Show him that you will make it, Show him that you are stonrg, and healthy.

This is a reply to wiffty,

Let me elaborate ok, as far as me ragging on him. I was in this marriage for 15 years, I would work a fulltime job sometimes 2 I would come home have to cook, clean, take care of kids while he sat at home all day long on the computer and do no housework, laundry etc....and then he would drink a case of beer and wonder why I was yelling at him all the time and couldn't understand my temper. One night I came home at 2:00a, after working my 2nd job and he had tons of people in the hot tub and pool and just having a party. I sure yelled at him alot over the years and it may have drove him away because it was getting worse and worse. I am attending a anger management course because I would get really mad at him because I was doing everything and he did nothing. I had the income, I had the responsibility of the bills everything, he did not have a care in the world. I have alot of anger in me and have apologized to him due to being this way. I am now turning the tables and taking care of myself and the kids without yelling screaming because there is no tension now. I still love him more than life itself I just couldn't do it anymore.

Mom with 8 mouths

I was wondering what in the world were you thinking to have 8(count em 8) kids with this bum.

poe

We can become so desperate when in pain. Sorry that you are unable to let go of your S. Are you sure you "love him more than life itself" or could you be struggling with other feelings that seem like love? He does not seem to loveable to me. Have you read the information by the Harleys and are you working on Plan A (changing yourself so that change can occur). If you had no help from your S while in your home, why would you want him in your life to remind you of his lack of responsibility? He also sounds like he has an alcohol problem? Alanon is the best program to learn detachment and finding yourself. It also brings to light that ragging and nagging get no where and may just do the opposite of what is needed. How old are your kids? Any old enough to pitch in? "Pay" for their keep? Help with the smaller ones?

You do have alot to handle----too much for one person. You are in a very trying situation. Do you see where some of your choices may have contributed to where you are? You really need to have a plan of some short. Are you in counseling or any support groups?

Continuing to "force" yourself on your husband is going to only destroy you. You have to find some way to stop focusing on him and focusing on you and changing your life. Reading TOUGH LOVE by Dr Dobson really helped me with this aspect of my life. I could not stop making my WS aware of his lack of participation in our M so.... hope he is happy now living alone.

TW

Maybe you didn't love your husband. Maybe it was a picture of marriage that you loved. I know you feel for your children, and they are going to experience a great loss with their father gone. But, you were the one holding the ship togehter. He was the flag on top swinging in the wind. Didn't come down to help, didn't come down to anchor, just waving and laughing.

How in the heck did he allow you to work 2 jobs, and do all the housework. This man is a lazy bum, and he manipulated you into thinking that you were inadequate.

Look at yourself. You are doing fine. Feeding a housefull. Working, and now not yelling. The kids are probably finding a home with less tension. And hopefully, you can encourage the kids to help out with the housework. Take time for yourself young lady, you deserve a break once in awhile. You are a hard worker, and seem to be the anchor for this marriage.

Alot of you have asked how old are the kids and can they help:

Here ya go

15 - Boy
13- Girl
12- - Girl
11- Boy
9- Girl
8- Boy
6- Girl
3- Boy

The older ones are still very angry and are secluding themselves it seems that the younger ones are doing what they can though. Thank you for the encouragement

Alot of you have asked how old are the kids and can they help:

Here ya go

15 - Boy
13- Girl
12- - Girl
11- Boy
9- Girl
8- Boy
6- Girl
3- Boy

The older ones are still very angry and are secluding themselves it seems that the younger ones are doing what they can though. Thank you for the encouragement

Hey Poe...

This is a support board. She has the eight kids and that fact is NOT GOING TO CHANGE OK/ Why don't we ask why you are attempting to make someone obviousl hurting and feeling low to feel lower?

I would like to ask when was it exactly when you had your lobotomy...And maybe Poe with one mouth, keep yours shut unless you can offer kind and wise counsel to those in pain... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />