Hi my husband and I have agreed too separate mostly his choice, he is going to live with his grandma. We have 2 small kids who he will have to help with babysitting. So he will be around. How are things supposed too go?? Like last night he came home wanted to get intimate?? I don't think that I should, I mean if he doesn't want to be with me then why should I do things for him? I want to show him what it would be like without me, but I really don't want to push him too far from me? Sounds ironic huh!! I would like for things too work out, but I don't want to be walked on anymore. A little history he is the cheating kind, unknown if that is going on right now. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated, especially if it worked for you!!
thanks tammy

Well, I may be the FWS, but I too had an H who had decided he didn't want to work on the marriage, but wanted to get "intimate" with me. Stupid me, for months, I allowed him to get intimate with me, hoping and dreaming that it would lead to more. I thought if we connected like "that" that we may reconnect as a couple too. This went on from Nov. until last week. He never changed his attitude. He still wants a divorce. He was never willing to go for MC or even to try spending quality time with me beyond brief private visits here and there, largely for the purpose of getting intimate. Keep in mind too that he spent his social time with his 2 female best friends (who are a huge part of my dissatisfaction with our M prior to my A).

I guess what I am trying to say is listen to your instincts. Don't be a doormat like I was, it won't wake them up.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to show him what it would be like without me, but I really don't want to push him too far from me? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So keep the communication lines open with him, but cut off the "intimacy".

Tell me if I have this right, your H recently cheated on you, but wants a divorce, so he's moving in with his grandma?

In regards to advice about separation, I am not sure where you live, but you can probably talk to a lawyer and write up a "separation agreement" in which you list who gets what, who sees the kids and how often, etc. If this is serious, it's time to separate yourselves financially too. Get your own personal bank account, credit card, etc.

I've been there and done that with the Sep. Agreement, but I don't have kids, so hopefully someone who has will post to you as well.

Maybe if you share a little more background we can help you a bit more.

Stay strong and don't compromise yourself,

Jen

my husband and I have agreed too separate mostly his choice,
Almost always, separation is NOT a good idea. Usually, when separation happens, it is so the spouse suggesting it can continue an affair with less interference form the spouse. And since he has a history of cheating, I’d (sadly) put money this is the reason.

Separation - hard isn't it. One thing to find out is if your state has legal separation. The separation works best, when you 2 agree on what you should do. But from the Plan B, there is no contact, no intimacy. If you are doing Plan B, then intimacy could be helpful, and building his lovebanks. It all depends on what type of separation you two want. That is where you didn't state the type of separation.

Read the Harleys books on Plan B and Plan A. Figure out what you want. And then come back with which plan you desire and your husband desires.

Have you two filled out the emotional needs book? That is something that would be great right now for the two of you. To fill this out together and see where you two need some work. With having a little one around, that really takes away from each other. That little bundle of joy just takes so much out of each parent.

Will see what you write later.

But from the Plan B, there is no contact, no intimacy. If you are doing Plan B, then intimacy could be helpful, and building his lovebanks.
If Plan B is no intimacy, how can there be intimacy building his lovebanks?

Plan B is no contact, no intimacy, no adding to the lovebanks.

Read the Harleys books on Plan B and Plan A. Figure out what you want. And then come back with which plan you desire and your husband desires.
Have you actually read Surviving An Affair? You do Plan A (6 months is good as this is the time most bs can only go on for) then if the affair is still ongoing, you do Plan B. You don’t pick which one you want to do.

Also, it’s not a decision the ws is involved in. In fact, it is much better if the ws does not know about Plan B. If they do, it’s sort of like letting them know it is okay to continue the affair until you are getting ready for Plan B.

Have you two filled out the emotional needs book? That is something that would be great right now for the two of you.
That would be great but don’t push it on him, especially since he is seeking separation now. He doesn’t want to live with you, so it’s extremely doubtful he will want to even tell you what his needs are or let you fill any of his.

Read Surviving An Affair.

I'm a BS. I pushed for separation because my stbxWW was pushing me to have seizures, calling the police, and still in contact with her lover. She was also pursuing her lover's best friend for solace. So, what was the point of staying together? Basically, I ended up financing her affair's continuation and then "being there" for her when she was sad and missed him.

If you're going to separate, here's what I would suggest. Also, if you're trying to keep your marriage together, separation is a way bad idea.
1. Actually physically separate.
2. Hide all financial and other dv-important documents somewhere besides where you live. This includes valuables. My x stole a bunch of stuff from my apartment that prolonged the dv by almost 3 months.
3. Never trust them. Once you separate, regardless of what YOU want, you cannot trust that they want what YOU WANT also.
4. Intimacy... hmmm... that depends - do you want the relationship to come back together? A lot of books, including this site, suggest that a couple sharing only "great sex" is enough of a foundation to try and rebuild. My xWW and I remained intimate up until she moved out of state. It allowed us to have some great last moments together and I would do it again... although, during negotiations of any kind about a dv or separation agreement, I would suggest NOT BEING INTIMATE. If you are, this is what happens... "We were so close last night! How could you do this to me! I thought things were working out great and now you won't give me the scooter!" It's impossible to move forward legally without the negotiations swimming into your time together. Eventually, you start to get into a huge manipulation game... "I love you so much... mmmmm... that feels good... how much money do you make? I can't seem to remember, especially when you do THAT! mmmmm...."
5. The key word should be REBUILD not reconcile. You're not a doormat. Even this site suggests breaking off all contact if your spouse is still involved in an affair or suspected affair.
6. Layout the ground rules and then STICK BY THEM. If you break them, be very clear that it's a special case. After the stealing incident, I made note of my ground rules and enforced them, without telling her what the rules were.

Good luck.

Some good advise here. I agree with Chris. I believe my husband moved out so he could persue his feelings for the OW (and have sex without feeling guilty?)....but i think he has since discovered the grass isn't always greener.....

I don't think getting itimate is good unless it's what YOU want. If you are doing it for the WS forget it...you will be a doormat. I wanted it for my own reasons and was willing to do it not expecting to get him back.

I still struggle with not knowing if we can put it all back together...but i don't let him hurt me..i try and be brave and act as if I am happy and moving on with my life...