Here's a letter that I put together with the help of Steve Harley that will be sent to WH..... Please keep us in your prayers.

............

Dear WH,

I got your card and I too wish that we could go back to those unspoiled moments in our relationship, but we are where we are … You are hurting us way too much by the things that you are doing and not doing in this relationship/ family.

You have been living away from home for almost 4 years now.

I know about OW2.

I know about the cocaine.

You are out of control.

WH, until you are clean and sober and have severed all ties with OW2, then we have to keep our distance. It’s too painful seeing the kids affected. This hurts me more than you can understand.

So, until you can get yourself in a better place, I’ve got to file a legal separation. I’m really concerned for me and the kids & doing this so we all feel safe.

Love,

D.

<small>[ April 07, 2003, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

BTW,

Here's a copy of the card he sent me - The only thing that he wrote about was that he was sorry for the business loss.

................

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wish I could go back in time ...
back to those
unspoiled moments
in our relationship

before hurt
ever touched our hearts
before doubt
ever entered our minds.
Because if I could go back
and start from those moments
once more,
I would hold you longer,
never miss a chance
to tell you
how much you mean to me ...
and I would never,
ever hurt you.

Then inside it says -

But I know we can't go back
to those days.
I know I can't erease
the mistakes.
I can't take away the questions
you must have
or the hurt we both feel
But I can assure you of one thing
I love you -
as I did then
and as I always will.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blessings,

D.

Today I sent the letter to him. I thought he was leaving Penna & comming back to Florida. Now he is talking about finishing up a job there & then comming back.

It was painful to send the letter and I was in tears comming out of the post office. He will have it tomorrow. I can't live life the way we have been goining yet it hurts to let go. It's something I have been dreading, kind of like a shot at the doctors, it's painful but it's needed.

Blessings,

D.

You're not giving up; you're just giving it to God now. I cried like a baby when I signed the filing papers for divorce.

They have to hit rock bottom before they can see the light. Some have to fall very far. But switch your focus to you and the kids now.

Take it off of him. Ask yourself where his concern for you and the kids were when he was out sleeping around and living shamefully and abusing drugs and ruining your dreams financially. Gotta be honest with yourself here. If he is sad, it is because only it affects HIM and not YOU.

((((((((((((((((((((WGTT)))))))))))))))))))))))

What you did was probably one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to do, but you did the right thing. You need to protect yourself and the kids. And I know you have the Ultimate Protector looking over you all.

Maybe this will be a true wake up call for him -- maybe not--but don't doubt yourself for a moment. It's funny, I thought about you a couple of times at work today, wondering how you were doing, hadn't seen a post in a while.

Know you and the family are in my prayers.

Be strong. It's not over yet. You've stated your opinion and judgement that he's out of control. Now, rather than placing it all in his hands... ask yourself... what am I going to do if he... play out a few likely scenarios in your mind and be strong. If you realy believe he's out of control, you need to remind yourself of this and take it on yourself to do what's best for YOU. He won't; he's out of control. You may need to do what's best for him as well. Only you can decide.

Sending the letter was huge, but I bet compared to some of the conversations and fights you had leading up to this, that it's more of a restatement of what you've said many times. Be strong... you're stronger than whatever he can throw at you... than whatever LIFE throws at you.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day - That is if he picks up the mail. It also has the registration to his truck so he probably will. Keep me in your prayers.

I am happier when he is not around. Life is getting exciting again, like I have something to look forward to. And it will get better, it is just getting thru this stage. There are times when I talk to him that those old feelings come up, but he's not the kind of person that I want to be around any more.

Thanks Peachy, Broken & Lyxa for your concerns. I do need to stay strong but that's what life is about - learning and growing into a new and better person.

Blessings,

D.

WGTT......What you are doing is very hard but it is the only thing that will do any good right now.

NotPeachy wrote.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You're not giving up; you're just giving it to God now. They have to hit rock bottom before they can see the light. Some have to fall very far. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I couldn't have said it any better. You know I was in your husbands shoes once. Like peachy said he will have to hit bottom then HE will have to decide to change and save the marriage. I have told you a lot of times that until HE decides he wants to change the same old stuff will happen. Take it from someone who knows, if he decides to change then at that point you will have a great husband and he will be a much better man.

Praying for you......and praying for God to change your husband on the inside first so he can be great on the outside.

Love in Christ
cajunky

God bless you and your family. You are taking the right steps, and God will be with you.
Think of the Prayer of Jabez, and pray for what you want in life. Write down YOUR goals, and see where they fit into your life.
Good Luck.

WGTT,

Hang in there sweety. We are all thinking of you and praying for you today. I know you feel like throwing up. I know your heart aches and your eyes just can't see through the tears. You and me and LetSTry and newly--we're all in this together aren't we? All of us want our marriages and want our spouses to hit bottom and wake up to what their addictions are doing to them...with all of our hearts we want that. But you know, and I know, and LetSTry and newly know too, that right now that just isn't happening--and the BEST thing we can do for them is let them hit their bottom!

That is SO hard to do...to care about someone and sit back and watch as they hurt themselves and deny that they're hurting themself! Or worse yet, blame YOU for hurting them! You know the Steps though, right?? Step One, lady: we are powerless over our addicts and our lives have become unmanageable by trying to control them! Step Two: we came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity (and you KNOW He can!!). Step Three: WE MADE THE DECISION TO TURN OUR WILL AND OUR LIVES OVER TO THE CARE OF GOD AS WE KNOW HIM.

You have made a bold new step. You have made an amend to yourself by doing something different. You have made a DECISION (and that's a conscious choice) to turn your life over to God!! WGTT, that is AWESOME. Keep your focus on these things. I know that your head knows you have done the right thing...just give your heart time to hurt and it will catch up with your head.

If you need to write or talk off-forum, my email is cindy_cj_wolfe@hotmail.com. Write ANY time, because OY I know just what you're going through.

CJ

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{WIDGETT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Im still praying that things will work out for you, in the way that God wants it to.

Haven "sen you around too much, but pray for you often <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Keep looking up and let God watch where your feet land.

smiles,
Dawn

Dear D.,
It is so hard to let go....but it sounds like you are doing the right thing. You've given it your best, and now let God have it. It's painful, I am finally working through some of the pain and getting through it. The attitude you have about us moving on, and growing and changing is so healthy! I pray that you will continue to feel that way, and God will carry you through this.
Please know that we are thinking about you, and praying. It will all work out and get better, it just takes time.
KK

WH didn't pick up the mail today. He ran an ad in the paper to sell the furninshing from his apartment and says he is trying to sell off the material and equipment from the business.

This afternoon I talked to WH's brother to update him on the letter that I sent. BIL had gotten a call last night from WH's friend (the ONE true friend that he has) Here's the gist of it:

WH told OW1(HS "friend") that he was going back home that this friend was spreading lies about WH & he didn't like it. WH said that the family believed him and that we had worked things out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He said that WH was laying low and that he had not been seen around town. Not even at the local bar.

HMMMMMMMM ..... We never had a conversation like that ..... I wonder where that came from ???? The denial runs thick, he really believes that he can just sweep this under the rug, come home and everything will be OK. I have heard his story a hundred times over the years in 12 step rooms. It is just not as easy when it's your own life.

I actually had a pretty good day. Got to visit YS at the beach. They went on a field trip to plant sea oats. I am calm and confident and really feeling good about this. Yet, still apprehensive about the conversation we will have, but I know that I will be OK. I will be OK because of my faith and my friends.

Peachy </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You're not giving up; you're just giving it to God now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let go has been what God has been saying to me. I can finally let go as Bramble Rose describes -
putting everything in God's hands, no matter what the outcome. I've been detatching and can let go in love.

broken </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I know you have the Ultimate Protector looking over you all.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HE can do mighty things. Like keep me strong when WH asks for money like he did today.

lyxa
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you realy believe he's out of control, you need to remind yourself of this and take it on yourself to do what's best for YOU. He won't; he's out of control. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is out of control and he doesn't think that he so, nor does he think that he has contributed to the problems that has been swirling around.

cajunky </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he will have to hit bottom then HE will have to decide to change and save the marriage. I have told you a lot of times that until HE decides he wants to change the same old stuff will happen. Take it from someone who knows, if he decides to change then at that point you will have a great husband and he will be a much better man.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray that he does get "it" and turn his life over to Christ and live a new life for HIM. Some of the best people I know are those whose have have turned adversity around and used it as an asset. I am a sober alcoholic of 10 + years who gave my life to Christ and have never been the same since then. I have seen miracles in AA and alanon and know God can, the only question is WH willing?

Cajunky, you have been a great inspiration to these boards and your efforts of posting the weekly prayers is very much appreciated !!!

newly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Think of the Prayer of Jabez, and pray for what you want in life. Write down YOUR goals, and see where they fit into your life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is so funny, as I have done just that in a mentor program that I jam participating in for a year. The leader keeps telling me to focus on my goals and not my present circumstances. IT WORKS. I want ALL the blessings that God has for me. So much good has happened to me lately that I could be here posting all night about it. You sound very well grounded in your posts.

CJ </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know you feel like throwing up. I know your heart aches and your eyes just can't see through the tears. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's funny, but I don't feel that way today. My heart does ache but I am not in tears. I am calm. At a jobsite today, I was looking at blueprints, talking on the phone, talking to my friend who works in the trailor as calm as can be. WOW. But he doesn't know yet. It would have been easier if he had just kept doing what he was doing, but then again I probably would have kept doing what I was doing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have made an amend to yourself by doing something different. You have made a DECISION (and that's a conscious choice) to turn your life over to God!! WGTT, that is AWESOME. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hadn't thought of it as an ammend to me, but it is. It's saying that I an worth more that what I have been getting and now I am setting the record straight.

Dawn </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> smiles,
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, I needed that. It reminds me of when I first met WH. I was sitting on the stairs (College) crying over a boyfriend that I was breaking up with. WH looked at me and said "smile, Blondie, life is too short." Something clicked in me that night and I did break up with old BF. Ironic isn't that now it's him that I have to get over. Darn, I shouldn't have written that, it made me cry remembering the good times and falling in love with him.

KK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is so hard to let go....but it sounds like you are doing the right thing. You've given it your best, and now let God have it. It's painful, I am finally working through some of the pain and getting through it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is hard to let go. He sounds better at times but I can't hold on to that teeny tiny morsel. I dragged on and on and at times wish that I had done what you did - file when Steve Harley suggested that you do so. Glad to hear that you are working thru this whole ordeal. We are stronger and better people because of it.

I've been on here so long with interruptions - here's an update

Wh called and needs money. He's blown thru his credit card in a month. (it was paid off when we refinanced the house) I told him he had birthday money from my Mom. (She doesn't know about drugs, OW, just that he's not interested in being a family man) WH asked if I could western union $50 or $100. In the past he would ask for $200-$300. I did send him $100 and he thanked me and said he appreciated it.

He also told me about a contractor that he is dealing with who holds prayer meetings at his jobsite trailor. Hmmm could God be working on him from another angle?

PLEASE, HELP ME TO BE STRONG. YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO TELL ME IF I BLOW IT OR SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE SOMETHING.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Blessings,

D

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

((((WGTT))))

Wow, I opened this all concerned that you were saying goodbye to the forum and already missing you... So glad that's not what it was about!

As everyone has said, you did a brave, strong thing. I finally made an appointment with a divorce lawyer for next week and that too was hard. I heard more terrible news about my H - "drunk, fatter than he's ever been, crazy looking, swearing at his father," as well as hearing that old friends of the family were taking bets on how quickly I'd take him back.

First, he's not asking me to come back, second, I, like you, feel better without him. Third, I think back to long ago advice I got from Steve H. that I needed to divorce him and if we ever get back together, we'd have to start over from the beginning.

I'm sending my H money every two weeks, like a paycheck, from our business. He tells anyone who'll listen how I'm taking all the money and forcing him to live in poverty. My new lawyer told me this is "crazy" and needs to stop until I get a legal agreement that this is prepayment for the divorce settlement. He was even more shocked and aggravated when I told him how much I've been sending.

Are we wrong? We do what we think is right at the moment and that may change in the future.

You're doing great and I know how hard it is...

This morning I picked a divorce packet for $10. It will cost another $188 to file. Not bad. A friend did his this way & consulted with an accountant keeping his costs way down. I figure that I can consult with an attorney if I need to and save lots of money while keeping in control of the process. If (IF) I need an attorney I have already seen the best one in this area and can go that route if pressed.

I did not even cry. (It will be a different story when I actually file I imagine) The papers are about an inch thick but the lady said it's not as bad as it looks and here is what you can do if he wont sign them !

Let's Try

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think back to long ago advice I got from Steve H. that I needed to divorce him and if we ever get back together, we'd have to start over from the beginning.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The old marriage would never work because both our WH's would have to be new people and bring a new sensitivity to the relationship. I keep envisioning a wonderful, rich, fullfilling relationship and leaving the who up to God.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H - "drunk, fatter than he's ever been, crazy looking, swearing at his father," as well as hearing that old friends of the family were taking bets on how quickly I'd take him back.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This applies to me as well when I say this - don't let others influence your decision. Yes, it's hurtful when others say those things and it kind of gets your hair standing up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> In your thinking process, make sure you are not reacting to what has been said. In my case, WH's friend doesn't think WH will ever be the H I need and I should DV him. He may be right, but I don't discount what the Lord can do thru AA. I have seen miracles and I pray that WH's are miracles. The lifeline is there - the only question, will they grab it?

Blessings,

D.

WH still hasn't picked up the overnight package with my letter in it from Monday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He's actually selling the stuff in his apartment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

D.

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Wow...I know you must be going "crazy" trying to anticipate his next action. And yet you don't want to have to worry about his next action, only your's at this point.

Hang in there....we're praying. I hope God has that miracle in store for him, if only he will see it!!

WGGT,

I only just hired an attorney. I first consulted with an accountant but he's hit an impasse, which will not easily be resolved with my H. Sounds like you've got your bases covered with an attorney in the wings if you need him/her.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did not even cry. (It will be a different story when I actually file I imagine)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, even though I now have the resolve to follow through with divorce, I know it will still be painful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I keep envisioning a wonderful, rich, fullfilling relationship and leaving the who up to God.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like this!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't discount what the Lord can do thru AA. I have seen miracles and I pray that WH's are miracles. The lifeline is there - the only question, will they grab it?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I already saw it happen once for my H, he just got too secure in his success in sobriety and forgot that it was only the grace of God that got him sober, not his own will.

Take care, L

Last night in my prayer time, I heard God saying to me -
"What about the prodigal son? Didn't I welcome him with open arms?" No way was my first thought. Then it came to me that God may be using me as a life line from WH to God. The word lifeline kept comming to mind. Finally, I remembered that shortly after dday, I had a dream about WH. He was just about to drown in the bay near where we live. The water was really choppy and the winds blowing. I was on the shore throwing out a life saver with a rope on it shouting "Take the rope, take the rope" WH was struggling and would go under then come back up. There were others on the beach with me, some from my prayer group, the others "real friends" of WH. They were shouting too - take the rope. I woke up so I never knew if WH took the rope.

My feeling is that I am to offer him a hand. It's really wierd feeling, like something is happening. I don't know what though. Tomorrow I am going to a Christian Business Group and they will pray over my business.

broken
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Wow...I know you must be going "crazy" trying to anticipate his next action. And yet you don't want to have to worry about his next action, only your's at this point.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually on this subject I have been really calm. I had a day from Hell - very busy workwise - I am having to negociate and do things that I havn't done much of in the past and I am exhausted!

Are you still planning on moving to TN? If you are still in Penna when I come up in July, it would be great to get together. Maybe sunrise will join us too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Let's Try
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I already saw it happen once for my H, he just got too secure in his success in sobriety and forgot that it was only the grace of God that got him sober, not his own will.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's got to be so heart breaking. The AA program is such a gift of a new life. But you are so right, it is from God, and when we forget that, even those who are not alcoholics, we loose.

I just came from a speaker meeting tonight where 2 guys spoke - 1 with a year another with 2 years. Both had been in a Christian Half way house for a year or more. One of them had been in many, many treatment centers, AA, in and out of hospitals and finally got sober. He gave credit to God with a beaming face. I love to see that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> only just hired an attorney. I first consulted with an accountant but he's hit an impasse, which will not easily be resolved with my H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We will have to keep that in our prayers. Keep asking God, how can this work? How do you want me to see this situation? Keep focusing on the outcome that you want to happen and it will, as long as we ask God for the blueprints.

Blessings,

D.

Widgett!!!

Would you believe H said exact thing to me when I first met him??? We had an exercise physiology class together and had to run mile first week..freshman year of college. He was done running, and I was never a runner so I was one of the last. On the last lap of the track he was standing by edge and he looked over and said "smile, blondie, you can make it"

Probably the last time I smiled for him LOL

Doing good, and youll get through this too.

Smile, Blondie!!!!

Dawn