For the past 25 years of marriage, my mother-in-law has played favorites. I am married to her son, but she has always been more generous toward her daughter and family. I could go on and on about many instances of favoritism, but as an example, take my 25th wedding anniversary. I can't help but remember the excitement in her voice as mother-in-law talked about the surprise gifts she was assembling for the daughter and her husband's 25th several years ago (well over $100 worth of gifts.) We just celebrated our 25th last month, and received a few Safeway flowers and a cheap picture frame. The daughter's grandchildren have also been favored more than my daughter. This may seem small, but it is eating away at me. How do I deal with this? I have been so good to my in-laws but feel like totally handing over the gift buying to my husband because I'm starting to feel bitter. Any advice?

Hi:<BR>Well, you could handle the gift buying over to him or you two could do it together. Try not to let it eat at you - you don't gain anything by feeling this way - it is something you can't control. Don't take it so personally - maybe it is her son that she is angry with and unfortunately you are included in that package. Just remember, you are the better person here - don't give in to her childish games!<P>Keep smiling!<BR>Missy3

Don't stoop to her level! She seems like a manipulative game player. I'm sure she's smart enough to see what she's doing. Don't let her get to you. It seems like she's looking to cause a problem. If that's the case, don't let her win. Keep your chin up and remember, what goes around comes around.

Have you asked your husband why he thinks his mom acts like this? He's known her a heckuva long time and likely has an idea, or she might have mentioned something to him over the years.<P>When I really want a good, warm relationship w. someone, I am warm toward them. When they really don’t matter much in the larger scheme of things (boss, in-laws, my car mechanic) but it’s important that the relation remains good, I am warm toward them regardless of how they treat me - smiles, hugs, everything is ok. Could it be that she has the idea that you don't like her? When did this behavior start? Were there ever "words" between the two of you after which she began playing favorites?<P>Other than gifts, how does she treat you when she's with you? <P>Is it also possible that even when your husband was growing up his sister was his mom's favorite and that her behavior throughout your marriage is just a continuation of her preference? Keep in mind that you are viewing her behavior as an affront to you, when she is also acting toward your husband. What does he think and feel about it?<P>I know people hate hearing this, but try to give her gifts because you are a caring, generous person who honors her for her position as the one who created (1/2 of) your husband. Don't give gifts w. thought of return, or compare that given with that received. Send that woman a stunningly beautiful thank you card with heart-felt thanks for that cheesy frame and flowers and enjoy the feeling of being the "bigger" person! (Long term use of that sort of behavior often shames the other into better behavior, too!)<P>Try to detach from your expectations of her - just take her, warts and all, as she is. Why? Because assuming you have a good marriage, unless she lives next door to you or is otherwise interfering in your marriage, she just doesn't really matter. (You can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people ...)<P>You choose your friends and your husband based on compatibility - in-laws are just inflicted on you, for better or worse. Sometimes people just don't "mesh" regardless of the best intentions and attempts of the people involved... Maintaining an "Ah, that's life, who cares!" attitude will take you far.<P>gobyfish